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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling too delicate for AIBU- but am I?

29 replies

scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 20:36

DH works nights, and has been sleeping this afternoon. DD (18 months) has had an incredibly noisy, whingy afternoon, and I've tried my best to keep her amused, but I'm crap and he hasn't slept well.
He got up at 6:30pm, slammed doors, threw his cigarettes on the table, slammed kettle and mug etc- obviously stressed as he's tired but made me feel really on edge.
All he's said to me since he got up has been 'I'll be on my computer until I leave for work.'.
He spends most of his time on it anyway, so I wasn't too surprised, but am I being silly for feeling quite tearful about the whole thing? I just feel like I can't get anything right, and I must be dull as anything for him to never really want to talk to me :(

OP posts:
Lueji · 15/04/2012 20:53

Yanbu

supernannyisace · 15/04/2012 20:55

YANBU.

It isn't your fault that DH didn't get enough sleep.

Lueji · 15/04/2012 20:55

I imagine that you don't have similar behaviour when your dc has bad nights.

I'd buy him some ear plugs and tell him I don't accept such behaviour even if he has slept badly.

FeakAndWeeble · 15/04/2012 20:57

You're not crap. You're just tired too and would probably appreciate some adult conversation. When's his next day/night off? See if you can spend some proper time together - let him know that he's spending too much time on the computer and it's making you feel rubbish. I had to let DH know this recently too because he was constantly glued to his laptop and our evenings are definitely more pleasant now.

Sorry you've had a rubbish day. Try and chill now he's gone to work and plan what you'd like to say to him to sort it all out at a time when he's not knackered and you're not quite so stressed.

tunaday · 15/04/2012 21:00

Don't think you are being silly or unreasonable at all. To deal with a cranky toddler all day on your own can be soul-destroying. To deal with a cranky partner on top of that is also demoralising and miserable. it doesn't sound as if it's anything to do with your 'dullness', more a case of it being far easier for DH to tap away on a computer, then engage in anything more meaningful/real. Excessive computer use is a way of withdrawing from real life/responsibility sometimes imo.

Is this bad mood of his a regular fixture? How often does he work nights? And how easy is he to talk to when he isn't knackered?

It's not fair on you if this sulky, bad-tempered stuff is a common occurrence. It's not just him who has the rights to tiredness here.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 21:03

Feak- you're right, if it wasn't for MN, I doubt I'd speak to an adult most days haha!
He's off every Friday and Saturday night. We have the conversation about how I'd like him to spend some time with me quite regularly, but that either results in a row about how hard he works, or it 'fixes' the problem for a day or so.
Thanks for the replies, I was semi sure I was just being pathetic Sad

OP posts:
otchayaniye · 15/04/2012 21:04

my husband works three long 12-14 hour night shifts a week and we have a small flat and a baby and a three year old. we often go out to give him a stretch but he copes with 4 hours on those days and gets up and takes them straight to play, swim, etc and will cook dinner and put eldest to bed before goingboff again.

he would never pull a stunt like yours. he needs to man up.

solidgoldbrass · 15/04/2012 21:08

Oh dear. So Martyrboy is using the 'I work really hard so you should be constantly grateful, submissive and obedient' line, is he? Don't let him get away with the idea that looking after children (particularly an 18-month old) isn't work just because you don't have a wage packet.

Something very important to remember is that being the only adult in the house who brings in money does not make you the boss/owner of everyone else, nor does it mean that bringing in money is the only thing you have to do to contribute to the running of the household. You are not his servant, you are his partner.

EclecticWorkInProgress · 15/04/2012 21:08

Having a child means that you will never have another good night's (or day's) sleep again. Honest truth. If you luck into one every now and then, then be thankful.

With that said, throwing what amounts to a temper tantrum because he didn't get enough sleep is pure immaturity on his part. And that is not about you one bit...it is all about him.

18 months is an incredible age to deal with; I seriously doubt anyone would be able to keep an active toddler quiet all day long - that is just too grand an expectation.

However, it is important that dh gets enough sleep to function in his job, so maybe come up with some creative ways for dh to get some sleep. Do you have family nearby- somewhere that you could take the little one for noisey active time with the understanding that at home will be quiet time? Or if family is around, could he sleep over at their house, just every once in a while?

It is a huge problem, I know. But it is no one's fault. The little one will grow and within another year or two the situation will evolve for the better. Hang in there.

trikken · 15/04/2012 21:10

My dh does nights too and I have the same problem. No proper advice but just letting u know ur not alone. I find dh doing nights and trying to keep the kids quiet so he can sleep a nightmare.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 21:16

Thanks for the understanding, I feel a right tit spouting off here and blabbing when so many threads on this board are so much worse.
Eclectic- I try to get out and about most days to try and give him some space, but today I just felt worn out and defeated and couldn't face trying to wrestle her outside of the flat Sad
Usually after a situation like this, he'll snap back to normal and pretend nothings happened, and then get irritated if I'm not back smiley and bubbly immediately. I hate walking on eggshells all of the time.

OP posts:
tunaday · 15/04/2012 21:24

No need to feel a right tit scented. Just because other people might have worse problems, shouldn't diminish how your situation makes you feel imo. I don't buy into that argument at all. If I break a leg, knowing that someone else has broken both legs, doesn't make my one broken one feel any less painful. You've had a shitty day, stuck in with a fractious toddler and a just as fractious partner and are totally entitled to feel worn out and pissed off. Hope tomorrow is better. Hugs

trikken · 15/04/2012 21:26

I try to go out a fair bit too but some days it just isnt possible. I live in a tiny village and dont drive so cant really go far but hopefully when it warms up a bit more I will be able to go out for longer walks.

You are welcome to chat here if u feel the need, you are just as important as everyone else.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 21:26

Thanks Tuna, fingers crossed eh Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 21:28

Thanks Trikken, maybe we need to start a men on nights quiche haha!

OP posts:
Springforward · 15/04/2012 21:32

My utterly lovely, kind and considerate DH who I feel lucky to be married to...

...is an evil arsehole when he's working nights.

Night shifts are horrible for the whole household IME.

YANBU, but I kind of feel for him a bit too.

Gumby · 15/04/2012 21:35

Have you got family or friends you could go round to?

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 21:38

Gumby- family is nearby, but don't want set up camp with them everyday IYSWIM. Also, I have all the tidying/house related stiff to get done, so need to be at hone for at least some of the day.
Friends, sadly not so much.
Bluergh.

OP posts:
Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 21:39

Stiff?! Obviously I mean stuff Blush

OP posts:
trikken · 15/04/2012 21:45

Yes we should. Smile

Im pretty much the same family and friends wise. Any friends are quite far away.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 22:00

My (childless) friends all seem to have decided recently that they prefer my (childless) sister to me anyway... But that's another thread!
Just feeling lonely and boring and fat and worthless, and DH is more concerned with obsessing over his sleeping pattern and killing aliens when he is awake than spending any time together Sad other than telling me I always look miserable anyway.

OP posts:
trikken · 15/04/2012 22:10

Sad its rubbish being like this isnt it.

I got told I looked miserable today too, by dh. Mainly as we argued which we hardly do but is caused by us being grumpy due to the night shifts and lack of intimacy as there is never a good time for us both.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 22:20

It's frustrating isn't it? I'm sure if we do look miserable, it's probably down to the holding of breath all the time.
A few weeks ago, DH calmly explained to me that he doesn't want to hear about it if I've had a tough day with DD, as it's a bit pathetic. No wonder I'm not pulling happy faces day in, day out Sad

OP posts:
trikken · 15/04/2012 22:31

If your dh is like mine he forgets how much hard work dc can be due to not doing childcare much having to sleep but would b nice if he could be there to listen and comfort you when you've had a bad day.

kipperandtiger · 15/04/2012 22:37

Time for OP and DD to go out for some fresh air (and something to treat herself - eg shopping or afternoon tea) and let her DH sleep off his grumpiness/fatigue/stress/both by himself and in peace. Sometimes being stuck together within four walls is not great for everyone.

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