Is it reasonable to try to take some time for myself at weekends?

[Downandoutnumbered]

Sorry, this may be a bit long, I'm trying not to drip feed information.

DS is 20 months. I work FT, DH is a SAHD. DS is in nursery two days a week: on those days DH catches up on sleep, does laundry, fixes computer, generally potters about the house.

DS is still a pretty bad sleeper (or rather a bad teether: every time we think he's started sleeping through, he starts cutting another tooth and is up in the night wailing and wanting Calpol, or he brings home yet another cold from nursery and wakes up in the night coughing). DH does all the night wakings because DS only wants him at night. This pattern started when I stopped doing night breastfeeds, and we've never had the energy to try to get DS to accept that he might get either of us at night, so the deal is that I do all the early mornings. So on nursery days, I drop DS off on my way to work and DH can sleep in uninterrupted, on other work mornings I do nappy change, dress him and do breakfast and then hand over to DH, and at weekends I have him till DH gets up.

This is not a thread about DH not pulling his weight domestically. Housework is split pretty fairly, I think, and when I'm here the childcare is split more or less 50-50.

I am knackered. Apart from an hour or two each evening, I'm either working, looking after DS or doing housework, and it feels relentless. I do meet friends once a month or so, but I try to do that on work nights so it doesn't get in the way of family stuff at weekends. I would kill for a bit of time on my own at home, although I'd settle for being able to go out alone for an hour or two. I don't think DH would mind if I took a bit of time to do an exercise class or something at the weekend - this is all about me feeling guilty for being generally a crap mum and a crap wife and trying at least to compensate a bit by being a present one.

What would other people do? I can't commit to anything regular on a work night as I quite often have to work late, or have to travel so I get home very late, so weekends are the only practical time to do anything for me.

Why do you think you are a crap mum and wife?

Your dh gets time out, why do you think you don't need or deserve it - you do!

Tbh, the alone time I have (Ds is almost 4mnth old), I'm so wiped out I'm either on here, at a mates or just pottering about the house.

Do you do stuff all together as a family?

He gets two days on his own per week and you 'share' the housework? I hope it's not a 50-50 split.

Why do you think you're a bad mum? You sound really considerate.

Ongoing bane of my life. I have nearly throtled dh today as he gets 'child free' time but I manage not to. Yes, you need it, it is in no way an implication that you can't manage as a mother or partner, it just means you still need time to be just you and whther that means make a spesh effort in a spa or hiding n the shed with the laptop and a bottle of gin, just do something tha's more fun without the dc or dp with you!

Your maths seems a bit off - you're saying when you're there, childcare is 50:50, are you saying in the other 50% of your weekend you're doing housework?

Frankly your DH is doing quite well to have two full days to himself during the week, I'm surprised there's much housework to do at the weekend in that case?

In the interests of full disclosure, I should say I also work FT, also have a SAHD at home and he does basically no housework whatsoever. He is, however, chronically ill and in a wheelchair. I have done every early morning for nearly 7 years (I think) because he cannot really function in the early part of the day. I have also felt guilty over the years for doing stuff for myself - I have virtually never had the house to myself, either, I might add. Please don't follow my example, you deserve to have some downtime for yourself.

I'm just really bad at the baby / toddler stage - I've had DS more or less solo for most of this weekend because DH has been ill, and I've spent most of the time wanting to scream. I don't think good mothers count down the hours till bedtime . I keep plodding on and hoping it gets easier once he can talk and reason.

It's a bit harder to put my finger on why I feel like a bad wife (except that we never have sex, but that's because we're both knackered: it's not as though DH is gagging for it either).

Yes, we do most things all together at the weekends - nothing very exciting, because DH and I are both tired, but all the normal domestic shopping, cooking etc plus trips to the park and so on.

The toddler stage is just bloody dire, in my view. Unless you actively like watching Tellytubbies. It does get better but your reaction is quite normal and you should not feel guilty about it.

What does your DH actually get done on his two days off per week?

Cross-posted - sorry. tribpot, I think the housework is split fairly, as in DH does quite a bit more of it than I do, but I pull my weight at weekends (e.g. with cooking). We tend to be all together for a lot of the weekend so when I say childcare is split I mean we're both there.

I feel permanently guilty because DH is doing all the nights. He seems to function OK and he's not complaining about it, but I was practically dead when I was waking up every night to feed - I posted on here under a different name saying I was contemplating suicide because I felt so dreadful.

Some people do cope better on less/broken sleep than others.

I would ask dh to do the food shop during the week though - much quieter and more on the shelves!

Perhaps you should take a week or 2 off work and look at sorting his sleeping out - how often does he wake at night?

I had a different relationship with my dcs when I worked to when I was a SAHM, I think it is harder to enjoy them for a whole day when you're not used to it. The toddler stage is challenging.

It's hard to know what the state of DS's sleep is because for the past 6 months he seems to have been either teething or ill more than half the time (first winter in nursery, and he does seem to have terrible trouble with each tooth). I think if you took away those factors he'd probably be sleeping through most of the time, even if not absolutely all of it, so I'm not sure how much use it would be to take time of to try and "sort" it.

We already do online shopping for the boring stuff: the weekend shop is our local farmers' market [I know, how middle class am I?] which we both like doing, except when DS has a meltdown.

Honestly if you want the downtime have some, you don't have to spend your whole weekends together as a family unit.

Thanks, RandomMess. The stupid thing is that I'm sure DH would agree with you: it's a misplaced sense of duty that stops me.

Do either of you have family nearby? Dh used to take the dc to his parents every now and again, that way he got to see them, got help with dc, dc had fun, gps got to see them and I got some time to myself in the house

You know what? You sound like you are all doing a bloody good job
And so normal to feel guilty about all manner of things.
Sleep deprivation is evil and some folks do cope better than others. It will get better and it will get easier. And to answer your questions, not unreasonable to take some time.
This is what I do... a bath, a 30 min massage or a walk round the shops one morning or afternoon. It's not very exciting, and they don't take too much time but... it stops me going nuts .

Meant to add that I posted on here to get a feel for how much time people think it would be reasonable for me to grab for myself at the weekend (given that I don't see DH much during the week because of my working hours and both of us going to bed very early in separate rooms). The guilt is skewing my perception!

Being a good mother is not about what you think in the privacy of your head - its fine to count down the hours to bedtime (in my book ) as long as you feel your are doing your best to behave nicely to your child.

You do sound very down. I think its pretty normal the SAH parent does the nights isn't it? Do feel guilty about this because your the mother? Do you think ds is missing out?

Honestly I feel so much better getting some time alone, today I lay in and then had iplayer on really loud and gutted the fridge - not very rock and roll but its the space and time to do something without having anyone else to pay attention to. I had to spell it out to dh but it was worth it.

Cross-posted again! Neither of us has family nearby, alas, Stealth. DH sometimes drives up to see his mother for one night during the week and takes DS with him, but she's 90 and getting frail, so it's pretty hard work for DH (which is why he does it during the week, so he can recover at the weekend when I'm home!). She loves to see DS so it's well worth it, though.

Thank you 40notTrendy. Good suggestions, and I feel a bit better now - one of the difficult things about parenthood is that no-one ever tells you you're doing a good job...

Stranger, no, I don't feel DS is missing out. DH is brilliant with him, much better than I am.

I think if I were the SAHP (which I thank heaven I'm not), I would want DH to do Friday and Saturday nights because I cope so badly with broken sleep, and from other threads on here I don't think that would be an unreasonable thing to ask for. So I suppose I feel guilty because I'm entirely spared what, for me, is the worst bit.

But that is the good thing about having two parents, you do what you both agree you can cope with.

I am SAHM and don't mind doing all the nights as long as I get lie ins.

Er yes actually I think (hope) some semi-decent mothers do count down the hours til bedtime!!

Totally understand how you feel. 2 things that helped me:

Frank conversation with DH about the nights and agreeing to alternate so that one of us at least could be on form the next day
Remembering management training thing from work about findings bits of time in the day to recharge. So building into the weekends half an hour to read the paper while DCs play, half an hour after lunch telly time while I have a coffee; alternating bathtime with DH so that one of us gets a quick break; etc.

Nothing exciting but stops me going totally insane. You sound like you're doing a great job. If taking a break or doing an exercise class or whatever you need gives everyone a better weekend, that can only be good, no?. Plus toddler probably unlikely to cite it in therapy years later ( or so I am praying....).

Thanks for thoughts - interesting, Stranger, that you don't mind doing the nights provided you get lie-ins. DH says he doesn't but I was anxious that he was putting a brave face on things.

I am doomed to feature heavily in DS's therapy, I know - but you're right that he probably won't be lying on the couch saying "and my mum went to Pilates every Saturday morning and I felt totally abandoned being at home with my dad".

Downandoutnumbered, I work full-time, as well as doing a lot of childcare around those hours, and I need a bit of respite on the weekends, we usually have one 'session' (i.e. two or three hours) each where the other one takes the children out, or just occupies them, and the original parents just sleeps/plays on computer/chills out.

I also used to nap on weekends at the same time as my children, but had to give that up when they stopped napping (which was actually quite late, at around 4).

Quiet time on weekends, where one or more parents is sleeping/resting/chilling is essential to us to get through the rest of the week. Don't feel guilty about needing time to recharge, as long as both of you get the opportunity for down time, even if it on different days (he sounds like he has time in the week to do this, e.g. could nap when child naps in week).

From when the dcs were 6 weeks old, dh has looked after them from 1pm on a Saturday.
I would go anywhere...shopping, library, wine bar...and come home at 6pm to find them bathed and all ready for bed.
It kept me sane .

Now they are older I have lots of time off.

I have an 18 month old DS and can agre that the toddler stage can be hell! DS is another nightmare teether who seems to have caught every cold going so I feel your pain. And if it helps, the other day when DH left for work, I found myself counting the hours until he got home. I work 4 days per week and DH works full time. Since DS was born we've split the night shift, DH take the first shift so any deals with any wakeups before 2am and I deal with any after that. If DS has a particularly bad night with several wakeups then we alternate. We also split the weekend lie ins. These are the things the work for us although tbh I have been trying to think of another way to get some more me time - DH runs so gets an hourish to himself on one of the weekend days. Don't beat yourself up for wanting a break - you may find that it helps to make the time with your DS more enjoyable.