Is it reasonable to try to take some time for myself at weekends?

[Downandoutnumbered]

Sorry, this may be a bit long, I'm trying not to drip feed information.

DS is 20 months. I work FT, DH is a SAHD. DS is in nursery two days a week: on those days DH catches up on sleep, does laundry, fixes computer, generally potters about the house.

DS is still a pretty bad sleeper (or rather a bad teether: every time we think he's started sleeping through, he starts cutting another tooth and is up in the night wailing and wanting Calpol, or he brings home yet another cold from nursery and wakes up in the night coughing). DH does all the night wakings because DS only wants him at night. This pattern started when I stopped doing night breastfeeds, and we've never had the energy to try to get DS to accept that he might get either of us at night, so the deal is that I do all the early mornings. So on nursery days, I drop DS off on my way to work and DH can sleep in uninterrupted, on other work mornings I do nappy change, dress him and do breakfast and then hand over to DH, and at weekends I have him till DH gets up.

This is not a thread about DH not pulling his weight domestically. Housework is split pretty fairly, I think, and when I'm here the childcare is split more or less 50-50.

I am knackered. Apart from an hour or two each evening, I'm either working, looking after DS or doing housework, and it feels relentless. I do meet friends once a month or so, but I try to do that on work nights so it doesn't get in the way of family stuff at weekends. I would kill for a bit of time on my own at home, although I'd settle for being able to go out alone for an hour or two. I don't think DH would mind if I took a bit of time to do an exercise class or something at the weekend - this is all about me feeling guilty for being generally a crap mum and a crap wife and trying at least to compensate a bit by being a present one.

What would other people do? I can't commit to anything regular on a work night as I quite often have to work late, or have to travel so I get home very late, so weekends are the only practical time to do anything for me.

Ah yes, I've heard of these infants who nap in the daytime! DS will nap in the (moving) car, or in the (moving) pushchair, so not much of a potential break for the adult who's with him. On the days when DH is home with DS I know very well I've got the easier end of the deal - I sit at work and get to drink the occasional cup of coffee in peace. On the other hand he does get downtime on the nursery days.

I think that is the key, have a really honest discussion with your dh and believe what he tells you.

I do think if your ds is at nursery 2 days, then your dh is getting a good break even if it is only to do housework in peace.

Would you like your ds to feel this guilty about taking sometime to himself if/when he is a parent. No? So you need to set him a good example of taking care of yourself. Not a round the world trip, just an hour or two off. And in return make sure you give him some really good one on one attention once you are refreshed - reading, swimming, whatever he likes.

If your DH is home without DS for two full days and you earn all the money then he should be doing absolutely all of the cleaning / shopping / washing and weekday cooking IMO. Two 8-hour days is a LOT of time.

Lie-ins should be shared out equally, even if one person does all the nights (I say this as the partner who does 95% of the nights and know exactly what you mean re feeding/nights). With small DCs/work, both partners need a break.

Earning money is as important as providing childcare for your DC personally, if you were a man doubt you'd be beating yourself up like this!

DD2 is similar age and sleep pattern, not easy.

Does your DH actually want to be at home? Maybe would be better if you both worked.

OP, it sounds like you are doing a really good job.

I was in exactly your position a few years ago. But I never did anything about it and struggled through, sometimes I felt desperate for time alone in my own house, I yearned to have some pottering about time!

I don't think it was healthy for me or the rest of the family, if I was in the same position again I would definitely have found some time for me at the weekend.

Happy mum, happy family. Good luck!

I work 4 days a week and DP is full time. On the weekend we try to ensure both have 'me' time :
He gets up on Sat morning to deal with kids and I get up on Sunday. Even though I always wake up early anyway, I know this time is 'mine' IYSWIM and I can go back to sleep or lie in bed reading without guilt.

DP takes oldest to football on sat morning. Usually 2 year old goes with them. I doss around house for an hour.

On Sunday morning I go for a run for at least 40 mins. This is bliss and would highly recommend - I come home feeling so much better about everything.

If there is a football match on a the weekend ( far too likely ) DP gets to watch while I entertain kids.

We wouldn't be still together if we didn't have a few rituals that allow both of us time for a break. Sounds like you feel guilty for needing time to yourself. I know the feeling well - think it is common for women to feel like we should be
Superwoman and never complain, but I am a much better parent when I feel reasonably rested or at least know when my next 'official' off duty time is.

I earn money, but DH retired when DS was born and so has a decent pension coming in - my salary is more, but DH is contributing a decent chunk financially. Besides, I don't think that's the point - if we worked for pay an equal number of hours and I earned twice what he did, would he have to do two-thirds of the housework to make it up?

TooMuch, you've nailed it with the Superwoman thing. I'm feeling particularly inadequate this week contemplating someone I do some work with from time to time who's a partner in a top-flight law firm, sings in a choir, has two children and goes to various study groups. Rationally I know he earns shed-loads of money and probably doesn't lift a finger domestically, but it doesn't make me feel any better!

I count down the hours to bedtime. I think a LOT of parents do this!! I like my own company and need time on my own, sometimes I go for a coffee on my own on a Saturday just to get a break. If you can find the time and are not too knackered I'd go to the pilates, DH and DS could meet you straight afterwards?

Don't stress about the high flier, lifes too short to compare ourselves like this.

I am a SAHM and I do all the overnights and I have done for the last 6 years. My DH is shit at waking up and I cope fine so it is a no brainer.

He works and the weekends we try to do joint trips to zoo or park etc. in addition we both try and getaway few hours out either going running, golf range (not me), or just staying in the house in peace.

He doesn't feel guilty, I don't feel resentful. Mainly due to fact we have spoken to each other about what we need/want to do to stay sane!

I think anything goes so long as children are happy and both parents are happy too. You're both doing a great job and the only thing you need to change is the guilt for doing something on your own...and the number of a bloody good babysitter!

Don't get me started on the babysitter thing - it is the one area that really needs fixing (apart from my Superwoman complex, of course). DS won't settle at bedtime for anyone but DH. He'll do it for me, eventually, but we have ten minutes of screaming first.We daren't even try getting a babysitter to put him to bed.

So we can't get a babysitter except after he's gone to bed, which feels pointless because we want to be in bed before 10, so we're spending money to go out later than we want to be out. I'd quite like to do it from time to time anyway, because I worry that we never spend any time together without DS, but DH really doesn't want to. Once more, roll on the age of reason - once we can explain to DS what's happening, it'll all be easier to cope with (or am I just kidding myself?).

What time does DS go to bed? I'm the only one who can settle DS2, he goes to bed at 7, we have the babysitter there and as he's in the cit we're out the door! Ask at nursery for recommendations for a sitter.

When you you think the "age of reason" wil kick in worried face

It is really hard work. I'm a sahm and having the kids all the time is hard work. DH only has sundays off each week and is out 7-7, so my only child and DH free time is at Tescos on a Thursdsay night after they've gone to bed, though I should get out for a run in the evenings now the nights are pulling out...

Can you re-jig anything so you can go out for a walk/go to the shops or whatever at the weekend in the morning whilst DP has your DS? Then do something together later in the day?

It doesn't make you a bad parent to count down to bedtime though, I thought most parents do this, I certainly do .

I count hours to bed (sometimes from breakfast!)

It's a shame about the babysitter but tbh ds3 will only settle for me so I tend to be dressed and made up at 7pm, story, kiss, bye to babysitter and sprint to car by 7.15!
Meal booked at gastropub type place for 7.45, done by 9.45, taxi home, bye to babysitter 10.15, bed 10.25!

Wash pillowcases next day to scrape mascara off

Obv kiss to ds3, NOT babysitter!

We have babysitters - we use Sitters, because we started to try to have occasional evenings out before DS started in nursery - but bedtime isn't till 7.30 because if we make it any earlier he wakes before 6 in the morning. It just feels slightly more hassle than it's really worth a lot of the time - I can see where DH is coming from.