DP's mental illness is making me feel like I'm losing my mind too.

[shoegal34]

This is all so long and complex, i feel like I can't see the wood for the trees.
Been with DP three years, no kids. Just after we met, DP went away for a weekend with friends and was drugged and raped by a man. He didn't tell me a first. Then broke down about six months in. Ten months in he had a nervous breakdown. Lost his job. Took employer to court for MH discrimination. Won. Anyway, the past two years have passed in a blur of total stress really. He was diagnosed with ptsd from the rape and following that ocd. We haven't had sex for two years :-( There is also very little intimacy. An added complication is that his dad is ill with cancer and his mum relies heavily on DP.
DP has had loads of therapy and is on meds and really wants to get better. I am trying to be supportive but I am finding it all so stressful. I don't get much time with him and crave love and affection from DP.
I am 34 and would love to have kids. DP is 30. We had discussed this prior to the breakdown and mere excited about a future together. We both have good jobs -DP tried to live with of but couldn't cope with the responsibility while trying to sort out MH problems. I just don't know what to do anymore - leave DP who is a nice guy basically struggling to get better - or wait around, stressed and upset for longer. The prospect of starting again at 34 isn't appealing. I do love DP and would miss him terribly :-( I should also bed I have my own esteem issues from years of bullying and two failed relationships. All my friends are married and either have DCs or are ttc. I feel so lost :-( Please help x

Apologies, a few typos in there.

I think there comes a point where you have to ask yourself if you love a partner enough to make the sacrifice that their needs should always come before yours. I'd suggest you've reached that point and decided the answer is 'no'. Three years is long enough to work out if it's got any future.

What an awful thing to happen to him. Were there any legal repercussions for the man who raped him? Was he known to him? I think it must be much harder to get over something like that if the perpetrator isn't punished.

I think you and he should part now but remain friends. You are basically just friends anyway, given that you no longer have a sexual relationship. I don't think you should part and never see him again - that would be an awful thing to do given all his troubles, but the way it is you are being denied the possibility of having children. Even if he could father a child with you now, he's not in the right place mentally and emotionally to do that.

Do you live together now? You say you don't spend much time with him.

Wow that is a truly awful thing that happend to him. I hope that the perpetrator was caught.
I think at some point you have to tell him how your feeling and see if he wants to change/whether its time to part.
Im sorry this has happend to you

Can clergy help you and your partner?
Is there any way he can be put in touch with other men who have gone through what he has?

Is your DP getting any help at the moment?

That's a horrendous story and I'm really sorry for both of you.

It's very difficult to do but I think you need to look at what is right for you and what is right for your partner as separately as you can. This dreadful incident happened very early on in your relationship. However optimistically things started, you didn't have long to enjoy and cement things before this happened. So for most of your relationship you have been supporting a deeply traumatised man and it sounds as if you are buckling under the strain. This is hardly surprising and would be a huge challenge in a more established relationship, let alone in the early days.

Don't feel guilty about your feelings; you are a victim of this incident too, because it robbed you of the man you were with and the future you had planned together. You have every right to feel huge grief and anger about this.

You have to look after yourself OP. You said your dp is getting help - meds and therapy - are you? If not, I think you need to. As I said, you are also a victim of this rapist.

I have no experience of any of these things myself and don't want to say too much but there will probably be people on here who are better qualified to help. If you haven't done so before, my first instinct would be for you to seek help - for yourself - via one of the charities who deal with the aftermath of rape. I have noticed ads on the Tube in London for one that is specific to male rape, where I suspect the issues are the same, but different, if that makes sense.

It sounds like your dp has other things going on, and you are under a lot of pressure to be the strong one. It's to your great credit that you have got as far as you have. I would urge you to get some support yourself and find a way to work through your own feelings before you make any big decisions about the future.

Your poor DP :(

Sorry not much advice, except if it was the other way around, I'm sure you would want him to stick by you. Of course your sex life will suffer. Does he have therapy for what happened to him.

I guess it depends on how much you love him. If you cannot see him getting past this, you need to weigh up your options if you can't see yourself staying

Bumping this for the OP in the hope that there are people out there who have the experience to advise...

Im glad you did this BizzieLizzy.Im concerned too.

Thanks so much for the kind words, it helps just to be listened to :-)

Although my DP has had lots of support - meds and various therapies (and is continuing with these) I haven't had any. I've confided in my mum and best friend. And I am on a waiting list for counselling (and have been for about three months). Hopefully that will help me to get some perspective.

To answer some of the questions on here: No, we don't live together. He tried to move in with me but found the pressure of a full move too much when his MH is fragile. Very frustrating for me after three years. He does stay several nights and helps with shopping budget. He is hoping to make a full move soon.

The rapist evil b*stard got away with it all. DP was abroad, was too mortified to tell his friends what happened and got a flight back the next day. He wasn't even sure which street it took place. He went straight to police/hospital here on return.

It has been very very traumatic for him. He said the shame he feels is the worst part of it...

I've felt numb to it all really. Like it hasn't really happened if that makes sense.

He has said that one of the most difficult things is that there is very little support/literature for male rape victims. amillionyears I think it would be great if he could speak to someone who's been through the same thing. I'm not how this can happen but maybe one of the rape charities could help. I will chat to DP about this, thanks.

I suppose the reason I wrote the post is because I'm really torn, stressed and feeling a little panicky. I have such mixed emotions. I feel my bio clock ticking away and driving me mad (I would have loved kids well before now, but circumstances shitty exP's haven't allowed for that to happen) and I'd love just to have a 'normal' relationship with DP and feel happy. DP says he is determined to get better because he still wants all the things we originally talked about and planned. Two years after the breakdown I've lost confidence it's gonna happen. chipsandmushypeas I definitely would want someone to stick around for me if shoe was on other foot. I just don't think I realised it would take this long.

I would be so sad to lose him, especially after we've come this far but I'm struggling at the moment. Also a selfish/weak part me is frightened of going it alone (again) and that I won't meet anyone else and will die a lonely old spinster. I long for someone to give me a nice hug and say don't worry, everything will be okay :-(

We've had a nice day out together today (car boot sale, walk and lunch). But tonight he is at a psychiatric unit (voluntarily admitted because MH not good at minute).

...I'm rambling now so again, thanks for the listening ears and any thoughts/help.

I really feel for you both. You are amazing to stay with him, and not having a intimate relationship for two years must be so very hard on your self esteem.

Has he tried writing? Maybe he can help other victims soon by writing /counselling.

You sound very patient but maybe it's time you gave him an ultimatum - this is your life too, you want dcs etc and he needs to know you can't hang around forever, however terrible that sounds

Good luck, lovely

He has experienced one of the worst things that can happen to someone. It's not something that he's just going to get over. Have you spoken to him about it, reassured him that it wasn't his fault, listened to him as he talked and cried?

If you're not willing to support him through his recovery, which might take another few years, then you should tell him that.

You are very brave OP. You say you have had no help; I reiterate - you need help for yourself, this is very important. Telling mum and best friend isn't enough.

I am sure you can find a charity that specialises in sexual offences against men. I urge you to seek professional help and support. This is an awful lot to carry on your own. Good luck x

Would you think of giving this organisation a call tonight?

Sorry, they're not open tonight, but are tomorrow night.

Thanks chipsandmushypeas. It has been very hard on my already fragile self esteem. I feel like I've forgotten what to do :-o I sometimes feel like I'll never have sex again, although hopefully this is just me being irrational due to circumstances.

DP does write stuff down in a diary, and he writes a blog (just a private one to get his feelings down really). I think he was encouraged to do this by his therapist. He works in MH so hopefully he can help others through his own experiences :-)

We have talked openly, and I have told him I can't wait around forever :-( Obviously I know this is going to be a long process, but I wish there was more progress after this amount of time.

Thanks so much for that link ImperialBlether, I will check it out tonight/tomorrow.

PS I realise this post may sound that I put loads of pressure on my DP with ultimatums etc. I suppose I do sometimes :-( but on the whole I have tried to be very supportive and a good listener over the past two years - putting his needs before mine because he is the one who has been through something horrendous :-(

hello Shoegal, your story is really sad and I feel really sorry for you and for your DP.

I empathise with the situation that you're in. I was with my XH for 10 years. I knew he had a history of MH issues (depressive illnesses) but he was ok when I met him. He had a mental breakdown just after our DS was born and that was basically the end of our marriage. I stayed with him for 4 years in the hope that things would improve but they never did (too much detail to go into). My self esteem suffered terribly during that time and I was a shell of my former self once I eventually felt able to leave (which wasn't until I could be sure that he was no longer suicidal).
My knowledge of MH issues is limited to what I've had to deal with but as your DP's MH problems have been brought on by circumstances I'd like to think that he will get better one day with the right care and treatment. And yes, I think you need treatment too as you're a victim of circumstances too.

I guess what you need to ask yourself is whether you can see a future for you and DP if he never fully recovers to be the person you originally fell for. You deserve a healthy physical relationship and are too young to sacrifice that to be a carer, but it's your life and only you know whether you're with him still out of duty/pity or because it just comes naturally to stand by the person you love through thick and thin.

I wish you all the best.

A lot of relationships without MH issues and traumatic events don't make it past a year or two. You're not married or living together. You have no children to consider. In short, just because he's ill and struggling it doesn't mean you have to remain his girlfriend out of some sense of loyalty or obligation. Don't stick around either because you're unsure about life as a single woman. You can still be friends but move on with your own life and find what you want in a real partner. He can do the same.

Thanks for your empathy theendisinsight. I can only imagine what a tough time you had re your XDH. I am definitely not with my DP out of pity or duty. I love him and wanted to support him through a tough time. I think I could cope with the long term effects of the circumstances if our physical relationship resumed and the depression was managed. I'm not willing to sacrifice the chance to have a family though :-( I can really relate to what you said about ending up a shell of your former self - I feel like that now sometimes and struggle to get my strength back. I will take the advice of most posters here and get some pro help myself. Anyone else willing to share experience of supporting a loved one through rape or mental illness much appreciated x

There are a lot of people supporting partners with MH on 'depression fallout', google it. Mostly depression, also bipolar. My experience tells me three things, you are not responsible for him or his happiness, you need to put yourself first and listen to that inner voice, you cannot make him better by being a martyr - only he can do that. Perhaps by moving on with your life, he will in fact be able to reach that place where he can get better. My STBXH - had big MH issues. Different causes. In your cause, they are tragic and awful. But I could not help him. In a big way, I was enabling his depression. I wish to god, I had listened to my inner (quiet) voice and got out of the relationship many years ago, my own health suffered a lot because of my propensity to be a martyr and people pleaser, and I have now realised I have one life, and I deserve to be happy and put myself first. I cannot help him, and there are no guarantees that he will ever get better. I did get two gorgeous children out of staying with him, but the cost to myself and them was enormous. So was it worth it.... ?

Another piece of advice, you can ignore, is try CODA meetings (google coda UK). It is a 12 step (like AA) group on codependence, which basically means you meet up and have a safe place to talk about your feelings and experiences, with like minded people. The aim of coda is to help you develop a better relationship with yourself and others (to be honest a bit like group therapy). There will be people there who have similar experiences to you. It changed my life and self-esteem.

Thanks daffy, I will check out depression fallout and coda. I'm particularly interested in the latter. I identify with what you say about being a martyr. Also about the quiet inner voice, which I'm finding harder and harder to ignore.

I don't feel like I'm ready to give up on him yet, but maybe I should, for my own good. I guess I have some soul-searching to do :-(

Your situation sounds awful, so sorry to hear it.

It sounds like you had hardly any time as a normal, happy couple before the shit happened?

I may sounds callous here but I think you need to think of yourself. If you want kids etc then at 34 you do have time to meet somebody else, make plans etc. I'd hate for you to chuck good time after bad if you know what I mean.

My closest friend met a guy she liked, and he was diagnosed with cancer within the year. Their relationship obviously changed dramatically and when it was finally 'over' ie he was healthy and needed no further treatment, they split up. She too really wanted a family and now she has one, with a guy she met in her late 30s.

Your DP needs love, help and support. But you need to have your life goals fulfilled. You only get one shot.

Thanks Morris. I like hearing stories that have a happy ending such as the one about your friend.

I do have a kind of time limit in my own mind i.e. by the end of this year DP needs to be moved in and our sex life needs to have resumed. Otherwise, I will leave to start again. I am hoping that with my continued love and support my DP can move forward and we can achieve these things. I think he wants it to work as much as me. We will have to see...