DP's mental illness is making me feel like I'm losing my mind too.

[shoegal34]

This is all so long and complex, i feel like I can't see the wood for the trees.
Been with DP three years, no kids. Just after we met, DP went away for a weekend with friends and was drugged and raped by a man. He didn't tell me a first. Then broke down about six months in. Ten months in he had a nervous breakdown. Lost his job. Took employer to court for MH discrimination. Won. Anyway, the past two years have passed in a blur of total stress really. He was diagnosed with ptsd from the rape and following that ocd. We haven't had sex for two years :-( There is also very little intimacy. An added complication is that his dad is ill with cancer and his mum relies heavily on DP.
DP has had loads of therapy and is on meds and really wants to get better. I am trying to be supportive but I am finding it all so stressful. I don't get much time with him and crave love and affection from DP.
I am 34 and would love to have kids. DP is 30. We had discussed this prior to the breakdown and mere excited about a future together. We both have good jobs -DP tried to live with of but couldn't cope with the responsibility while trying to sort out MH problems. I just don't know what to do anymore - leave DP who is a nice guy basically struggling to get better - or wait around, stressed and upset for longer. The prospect of starting again at 34 isn't appealing. I do love DP and would miss him terribly :-( I should also bed I have my own esteem issues from years of bullying and two failed relationships. All my friends are married and either have DCs or are ttc. I feel so lost :-( Please help x

I know this will come across as harsh shoegal but I only say it to be helpful. If you are putting a time limit on things then it's time to go. You either accept that your DP has this terrible thing to contend with and wholeheartedly give him your support or you accept that you can't support him and move on.

As a rape victim myself, the knowledge that a partner was putting a time limit on my recovery and that he was going to break up with me because I wasn't better would destroy me.

It's ok to say that you can't cope with the relationship, you are under no obligation to stay. But equally he is under no obligation to get better for you.

You are focused on what you want - moving in, sex, and children. Unfortunately those things have to come second to the fact that your DP isn't well. If you're not prepared to deal with that, that's ok, but don't put time limits on him, as that will most likely force him to pretend he's ok, and even to resume a sexual relationship when he doesn't want to. Do you want him to do that?

I know what you are saying Cailin.

FYI the time limit is a private one, in my head. I haven't imposed that on him.

I would love for him to get better and be with him. I don't want to lose him :-( The children thing is stressing me out though. I have to be honest. I met him when I was 31 - I'm now nearly 35. I don't feel like I have lots of choice or time.

I wouldn't ever want to pressure him into a sexual relationship when he is not ready.

I guess what you're saying is while he gets better in his own time, my needs can't count. Unless I can accept that it's all about him then I need to go?

Thing is, MH problems cannot be cured by love. You putting your life on hold to support him indefinitely is not going to guarantee that he gets better. If you disengage from the relationship, it doesn't mean your DP will be left helpless and isolated, by the sound of it he is recieving good professional care. You can still be his friend, but there is nothing wicked about remembering that you matter, too.
It is also possible that ,actually, trying to maintain the relationship is impeding his recovery: he may feel anxious and guilty that he can't be a full partner to you, which is adding an extra layer of stress to his life. A separation and an agreement to remain friends might be the best thing for him, because it seems to me that a person with bad MH problems should be focussing on getting him/herself well rather than on maintaining a couple-relationship, both for his/her own sake and for that of the partner whose life should not have to be sacrificed to the illness.

It's not that your needs don't count shoegal, it's more that your DP just can't give you what you need, much as you would like him to. I think you need to accept that this might be what he's like for years to come. If you can't face that, there is absolutely no shame in saying so. Supporting someone going through something like this is horrendous. I have put my DH through hell and I feel very guilty about that. I do sometimes think he should have moved on, earlier in our relationship when things were very bad, just to protect himself. But he hung in there, and we have a great life now. I still struggle with what happened to me but it's nowhere near as bad.

I really feel for you, it's an awful situation.

I do sometimes feel I may be impeding his recovery i.e. the pressure he must feel to keep the relationship going. We do row a lot :-( I sometimes worru he may feel dutybound because I've stuck with him through it all. I have asked him this - and whether he'd be better off concentrating on getting better without me there as an extra pressure - he always says 'no' and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.

I'm very sorry for what happened to you Cailin :-( It does sound like you have a fabulous DH though and I'm glad things got better for you.

There is support for those who help those they love with mh problems - they are often called 'carers' but it's not a term I like. However, that is the term used, so the local organisations often have MH and Carer in the title. Rethink also do a lot of work supporting carers. Google is your friend here, or if you are in the North East, PM and I might be able to direct you more specifically.

I have no words of advice but I'm in a very similar situation, dating someone with abuse-related PTSD, and it is very very difficult a lot of the time. We love each other hugely and want to make it work, and that is getting us through at the moment, but it is such a fucked up situation and I frequently feel like shouting 'What about ME?' and then feel terribly selfish for even thinking that.
It's hard when one half of a couple 'has the floor' at all times, when their needs are always greater and take precedence over the other person's. That's never going to be healthy.

I think all you can do is look after yourself and get as much support from other sources as possible. The kids thing must be a big pressure for you; I have 1 DS already from XP so I don't have quite the same concern. I can imagine that would make things feel more urgent, in terms of wanting to get on with your life and know what direction it is going to take.
PM me any time, I'd be glad to talk to someone who is going through similar.

What do you row about shoegal?

We row about allsorts. To give a few examples:

Not enough time together. DP spends lots of time supporting ill parent/doing exercise for therapy/at talking therapies/works long hours etc (his prioritising skills are rubbish by his own admission - and the easiest person to cancel on/be late for etc is me.

The not moving in thing has been a biggie. I felt like he didn't try. He's obviously unwell. I'm not sure where the line blurs between that and him being only child/still supporting parents.

He is often agitated and is up and down to the loo, pops out to the shops, has to make a call here and there, needs to go to shops for something. I feel like I'm on borrowed time. Say he's been at therapy the night before, has a night with me, then the next night he is caring for his father - our time is precious but I can't relax because of his scatty behaviour and sometimes I end up snapping :-(

I could be a lot more patient with him... I'm far from perfect in handling all this.

Just wanted to say a massive thanks to all the lovely MNs who've posted with support, advice and external links so far. I am finding it all very useful in terms of stuff to think about. I feel a little clearer, with a bit more perspective than I had at the weekend.

Last wedding I went to was a friend's-she left her partner who was wheelchair bound and cognitively imparied after a motorbike accident. She was very very conflicted about it, but ultimately she wanted a relationship that also supported her, and children. She left, met someone else, and they married.

It's not wrong to want these things. It's not wrong to leave a partner who is ill in order to get them. Very hard, but not wrong.

The big thing that stands out for me is the fact that you say "the easiest person to cancel on/be late for me is me." That has nothing to do with what happened with him and is selfish behaviour. You don't have to excuse everything he does on the basis of his illness.

I don't . Sometimes it's hard to determine where the illness stops and the selfishness begins but he can be v selfish at times. Most men can be :-) but it's even more frustrating when it's coupled with the issues the illness presents and I feel guilty for giving him a hard time because he is fragile (but still more than capable of being selfish of course). Feel like I'm rambling now but just wanted explain about the rows.

What are you actaully getting out of this relationship, Shoegal? It doesn't sound like there's much in it for you.

This happened "just after " you met. You didn't have much time with him in "normal" circumstances so all you know is him like this. But you don't actually really know how much of the mh issues were ongoing before. So you don't know how much "better" or how recovered he could really be. Has he told you more about his childhood and adolescent ?

(after my exp had major breakdown - and other issues - it transpired he had had serious mh episodes since adolescent. The predisposition was there. The stress of kids etc was too much.... )

If you pursue having children with him You have to bear in mind that you may have long periods of time alone being sole charge because he may not ever get really better or Only for short periods. You just don't know. You didn't know him for long enough before this dreadful thing happened to him to know what he was like pre trauma . It is a lot to take on and it is ok to say to him that you wish to remain friends but not to pursue any more a relationship future children etc.

Also to allow him to focus on his family.

Go speak honestly to a consellor yourself and explore what you really want for you