Trying to make sense of EA

[WhippingGirl]

If you have moved on from an EA relationship how did you separate what was EA stuff and what was simply not getting on?

you what the milk/orange cartons reminds me of? (and a lot of exp' behaviour) - the scene in sleeping with the enemy where julia roberts looks in her cupboard and messes up all the tin labels because patrick bergin used stuff like that to punish her. i will never claim that exp was violent towards me - as in beating me etc but he definitely used fake obsession about various household tasks/arrangements as EXCUSES to torture me emotionally. i'm there - they were EXCUSES and as you articulately describe them 'manufactured tantrums'.

tobe I think it's something you find easier to separate when you've been out of it for a long time. Kicking off because milk and orange cartons are in the wrong place is totally ridiculous. It would only be acceptable if there was a particular reason for them to be there, for example, if he was blind and couldn't tell them apart otherwise (although even then I'd imagine you'd smell it, or something.) It's the kind of totally irrational thing my 3 year old might kick off about, and even then I'd tell him not to be so silly, and show him that he could switch them back around himself, if it bothered him so much.

Plus, even if someone is really stressed/upset about other things, it's still not okay to go off on a massive rant. It's not healthy to let things get to the point where a minor irritation is a trigger for an aggressive outburst. All it would warrant, really, is a slightly irritated "Argh! You've put the milk in the wrong place and I almost put orange in my coffee, FFS!" That would be grumpy. Not a massive hissy fit involving throwing away the coffee and insisting it was "YOUR fault". Emotionally healthy people take responsibility for their own moods and feelings :)

for fear of being outed i wish i could describe more specific examples of exp's 'triggers' but its too risky.

however i will allude to the fact that 1 of the 3 relates to basic human need, the 2nd the bloody courtesy and the last one is so fecking ridiculous you would laugh out loud.

the other thing that did my head in is how exp would explain quarrels to other people. he would just ever so slightly change the context to make me look really unreasonable and that he had taken it much less seriously than he actually had. obviously this would lead to seemingly light hearted digs at me in public that always amountedc to making me feel like i couldn't quite function as a true 'adult'. bit cryptic i know but thats all i have :-(

Oh god! Just reminded me! Ex used to tell our fights to others, or say he did, and he's always twist it! I'd forgotten that ha ha ha!

makes me realise there were many layers of control which were so subtle but effective. the more distance i have the more bloody mad i realise he is!

Tobe: I get your point, but an abusers 'kicked off' is not just a grumpy day... :(

It's ranting, name calling, insulting. It's going on for hoursn and hours. On other subjects it could be weeks or months, or even lurk there forever, brought back if triggered.

Itks irrational rage, out of nowhere, and it stops when he decides it will, not when you've attempted to reason, abusers don't reason... :(

yup. cant remember anyone else ive had relationships controlling arguments in the same way or them feeling so 'unsafe'.

im quite fiery and had plenty of rows with ex partners - who remain close friends to this day and i dont recall feeling bad about any of those rows once they were over. the rows with exp were never over - i just gave in eventually every time otherwise they just obstructed....well life!