Lies, cheating and too many complications

[isenoughenough]

I don't even know where to start here, it's all very complicated. My current situation is driving me nuts, I just don't know what to do, or who to talk to. So I am hoping that getting it off my chest here will help.

I am pregnant with our second child, DS is 20 months. I have been with DH for nearly 3 years.

In February, the day before Valentines (nice) He told me he wanted a break from our relationship. We have been having issues that mostly revolve around our sex life declining while I was pregnant and looking after a small child. We have had a bad few months, a miscarriage, SS intervention (from a false report), me being bullied at work and antenatal depression. For completeness I should say that he also told me he had considered leaving when I was 36 weeks pg with DS, but sorted himself out and told me he was in it for the long haul. He told me he had cheated on me (oral sex) twice, since I was pregnant.

We had discussed him seeing other women previously, but I realised that I would have difficulty with this, and he had agreed not to. I have been in open relationships before, but this is marriage, and I considered that to be exclusive.

The next day he told me he had thought about it, my reaction (I was devastated) showed I still cared about him, he thought I didn't, he cheated because he was lonely and felt unloved, and I agreed to try and work things out. We agreed to go to Relate, but this never happened as we didn't have childcare.

Shortly afterwards, my best friend who had recently split up with her boyfriend came to stay with us. Both she and I are bisexual, and have a fairly flirtatious relationship, DH encourages this, he is happy for me to have relationships with women separately to our marriage, but I have never acted on it. While she was with us, one thing led to another and she and I began a relationship, with full disclosure and DH's blessing. It was completely unexpected, but actually had a positive impact on me and DH, as I was generally happier having the company and affection from her.

She (and me and DH) has an interest in BDSM, I have always been OK with DH taking part in non-sexual BDSM (like spanking) with other women, and it was proposed that he could do that with BF. I had no issue with this.

Then he came to me and asked how I would feel, hypothetically if things got sexual with her. I was surprisingly OK with this, it was a "sometime in the future, maybe" sort of question, and she was about to go away on work for a while, so I felt we had a cooling off period, I also didn't think she was into him like that, and a bit like I had to say yes as he was OK with me sleeping with her. I told him I didn't see it as a huge problem, as long as their relationship wasn't romantic, and they took precautions. I also wanted him to disclose if anything happened, just so I knew, not gory details, just a heads up so I wasn't in the dark. We were actually very settled in this poly type of agreement, I knew he wasn't going to go off with a stranger, and I love them both dearly.

So time went by, she went off for her work, then she fell ill. She went abroad for a bit, and was still ill, she stopped talking to me and DH got a bit stressy and short with me. He was generally being an arse and I seriously started reconsidering the idea of working things out with him.

Then he dropped the bomb. The day after he had spoken to me about it, when dropping her back home, he had slept with her. She was pregnant, and planning a termination when she got back to the UK, he was sad, as a father that his child would be aborted, and she was feeling terribly guilty. For several weeks he had lied to me, we even joked about how he wasn't getting sex with her any time soon as she was busy or ill and maybe fate was cockblocking him. But it wasn't. Eventually (days later) he admitted they had sex 3 times, twice when she came and stayed with us to recuperate as she was feeling ill.

I am not bothered that they had sex, I had agreed with that, I am also not bothered that she accidentally fell pregnant, it is really sad to see them going through the angst of it all, but is was an accident. I am really, really bothered about the lying. He had many opportunities to tell me, but he hid the fact that they were having sex, and the pregnancy from me, even when we talked about it. I am also angry at him for putting our health (his, hers, mine and my unborn child) at risk by having unprotected sex without the precautions or tests we had agreed upon.

So last night we sat down and I told him that I was really fed up with the lies, and hiding things from me, I can't keep trying to rebuild the relationship when he keeps breaking my trust. I wanted to hear about the circumstances in which he cheated before, to clear the questions and start with a blank slate and no secrets. Then he tells me that actually he had previously cheated on me 3 times, twice 2 years ago when I was pg with DS, when our relationship was good, and we hadn't discussed any level of openness, before we were married.

I feel completely betrayed, it's like he can't actually tell me the whole truth about anything, when stuff has come out he has drip fed me the details, telling me that is it, then later it comes out that there was something else.

I love him, I want to raise our 2 babies with him, and for everything to be fine again, but is it even possible to rebuild trust after all this?

I know oik, I have told him I have to see actual things happen, no more broken promises, and if he cannot be a good role model for my sons then he can't be around, I know this, and he does now too.

Too many excuses. Stop the pleasing get rid and sort yrself out

wanting to nurture me, but his sex drive overriding that

just wanted to point out that this is nonsense. there is no such thing as an uncontrollable sex drive "overriding" anything. if you've had this fed to you, please recognise now that it's a common "line" used to keep cheated women silent and compliant and forgiving.

people cheat because they want to, and they don't give a fuck about anyone else. you need to start recognising that this is what your H is. he is someone who really really does feel that you are wayyyyyy less important than him having a good time. how do you think a man who thinks that of you, is going to change for you? why would he? you aren't important to him.

imo lolaflores has been harsh on this thread but i do actually agree with her... you are making excuses for him.

you say no more broken promises or he can't be around... that's great in theroy... but he's just going to do what he pleases, and to lie to you again, like he did before. and you'll want to believe in him so you will. and he'll keep upping the ante, being more and more outrageous in his contempt for you, until you are completely worn away by it all, and your boundaries disintegrate completely. i think that's obvious to anyone reading this thread. this is extremely sad.

if a man has a child by a woman and still sees fit to treat her like this, i don't think there's any hope, sorry. i hope you can see that soon, and move on to something better for yourself and your kids.

sorry to be so harsh. i am not trying to be malicious. it's just that the situation you describe is so far beyond the boundary of healthy/good, it's actually quite shocking to read. and i'm not talking about the poly stuff, i'm referring to your H's behaviour and how you respond to it.

Glad to see you have spoken to your friend about it - I think you are doing the right thing, if she knows you support her just stand back and let her make her decision without pressure from anyone.

Your H. In the nicest possible way, you MUST stop making excuses for him. Especially ones whose script is basically, 'He is such an unusual person in the way he works that he is often out of step with the norm, but he is essentially a good man.' It's an approach you often see really intelligent women taking, and you sound intelligent and empathetic. Fatal combination with a man like this - he'll run with it all the way. Fact is he's not good, or caring, or normal.

The fact is that no vaguely normal man could actually think that a good way to 'reconnect' with a person recovering from a traumatic birth would be to assault them and bully them into sex. To look at them sobbing at your pushing and forcing and think 'Yes, this is what they need - this is a healing experience.' It is actually hard to imagine a more warped viewpoint. Once again, all about him - you were the one who had gone through that experience, but he is the one whose feelings and needs around the issue take priority. It would be hard to think of a more damaging thing for you at that point, but because it's what he wants, it happens. Disgusting.

I just have no advice to give save to say - end it. This man is not a good or a nice person, everything you have said has shown this, there are NO redeeming features here at all. I have seen no evidence of any desire on his part to nurture you - honestly, how can you SAY that about a man who calmly told you that he was thinking of bailing out 36 weeks into your first pregnancy?! There is only a rapacious, damaging selfishness that will continue to put you through the wringer, along with your children.

The fact is that no vaguely normal man could actually think that a good way to 'reconnect' with a person recovering from a traumatic birth would be to assault them and bully them into sex... Once again, all about him - you were the one who had gone through that experience, but he is the one whose feelings and needs around the issue take priority. It would be hard to think of a more damaging thing for you at that point, but because it's what he wants, it happens. Disgusting.

this

all day long

Apologies for harshness, I mean that sincerely and honestly. I got frustrated by the woolyness of it all. It sounded to me that u were trying to buy into something u did not fully agree to but did not see any other way of being with this person. I still stand by predator in his case.
Do pay heed to your instincts, they are unlikely to send u the wrong way unlike his half baked bullshit which has resulted I. A lot of unhappiness.

Agree with oik and Lola, and OP I'm sorry too to sound so harsh, I hope you don't feel got at. Trust your instincts, NOT that habit of persuading yourself that actually he must, somehow, be 'ok' under it all because he's your H. He's not ok. Not at all.

"they all stem from his selfishness in the face of being asked to put his own wants on the back burner as parenthood arrives - in other words, to grow the fuck up. "

In fact, that should be quoted to him. He is a right twunt, OP, and I really hope that one day you get ANGRY.

Very very angry indeed and to accompany it some large boots to kick him into the far side of gone

joanna, my parents were married and stable, my mother still managed to screw me up. I don't think following her "normal" choices made her an ideal mother either. It's not that simple.

I am angry, and I have been angry, very much so, in his direction. I just want to be sure before I make irreversible decisions. I know that when I am depressed I can twist my perception to make events fit my darkened view of the world, I just need balanced input to make sure I am not overreacting. I haven't really looked at it all in one place before like this, undiluted by the good stuff. And there is good stuff, but maybe that doesn't cancel out the bad.

Depression is an awful burden. It makes for a very different view of things and decision come harder because of it. What u have described is a form of neglect and abuse and I am afraid no amount of mortification from him will change what has happened for u and the scars u carry. He is not being as damaged as u. A final and firm decision is freedom believe me and only then can u deal with your real needs and not keep getting lost in his behaviour and trying to be ok with it.

this relationship really does have it all

Hiya AF, what make u of it all?

I am saying no more -x-

Suppose it's all been said at this point. Oh dear

The information you gave us about him insisting on sex even though you were in such pain was horrific and said it all really. How could he not care??????

Enough, does it hurt you when we tell you he is 100% of the problem? And that the only problem you have, is your going along with it?

You don't sound very much like someone with a 'darkened view of the world' to me.

Your level-headedness in the face of the situation with your friends pregnancy is impressive, and the fact that your compassion for her predicament is uppermost in your mind says it all - you are clearly a loyal friend, a good person. Not someone who goes looking for bitterness and anger to feed off.

Trust your instincts. Your real instincts. I would get some space from this man, proper space, him GONE for a good long while, do that you can clear your head and start thinking of what you really want