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Original poster

Revelations with cheater partner

37 replies

BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 18:13

Well...what can I say...have been told that my partner cheated on me repeatedly because of male ego. He wanted his friends' approval on the young, beautiful & international girls he wanted to sleep with. He said the reason he didn't stop when I found out on numerous occasions was because he wanted to have both worlds.

He claims now to be a changed man. Should I believe him??

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 13/04/2012 18:16

He sounds like a total fucking twat. And that's putting it kindly.

(WTF are 'international' girls? Confused)

How long have you been with him? Did he tell you all this? When did he last (say he) cheated? Then again what does any of that actually matter...

BelleDameSansMerci · 13/04/2012 18:16

Ah... I had my cheating partner tell me last night that he has found someone (my replacement) who makes him want to change. Ouch. I don't believe they ever really change unless they address the part of themselves that feels entitled to lie, cheat and manipulate.

Buuuut, do you believe him? Or, do you get to shag around with gorgeous younger men while he keeps the home fires burning? Just an idea. Grin

Seriously, your tone sounds lighthearted but this has got to hurt. Are you ok?

chocoraisin · 13/04/2012 18:17

In a word, no.

Does this person make you feel good? Loved? Cherished? Supported? Important?

If the answer is what I think it is... Then why would you persevere?

Original poster
BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 18:33

Thanks so much for the posts. I am in awe of the supportive lovelies out there.

I agree with you, he is a twat! The cheat is English - international to him are 20 something Arab, black French girls, Spanish etc. There may well be a number of other "internationals" I've not yet uncovered.

The thing is, I'm an ex-model & still get hit on by guys - but he seems more interested in further sowing his seeds (has been from day one).

He is sweet by doing things for us in the house, chores, very caring. But should that make me accept his infidelities?

I do care for him but wonder why in earth I didn't shag the young fit guys or the older Sugar Daddies when I had the chance to.

It's knocked my perception of relationships & whether being committed actually does you any favours in the long run.

Am torn between glamming up & make it even Stevens...or give him a genuine chance? Confused to put it mildly...I don't think he can change given the frequency...or should I go down the "healing wounds" road...?

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 13/04/2012 18:42

i wouldnt believe him

animula · 13/04/2012 18:56

Stop for a minute. Think hard about how you are feeling right now. Think about words for those feelings. Concentrate on your stomach. And your head.

He's made you feel that, right now. With Belle, I suspect you're not feeling calm, centred, content, at ease, in a place to draw on the pleasure of being alive.

If you like drama over a supportive relationship - he's your man. Some people do prefer that, and that's OK. Though fewer of them like it when children come along. But whatever - if you like that, then stay.

If you are thinking of constructing a peacable home with this man ... I think he's already blown it. There has been something in hi "confession" - not even his behaviour, but his "revelation/promise to change" - that has made you feel edgy: wanting to go out and out-do him, in a sort of competition of getting sexual attention from others.

That does not augur well.

But that is just my opnion. What do you think?

Teeb · 13/04/2012 18:58

I think if I were to be very kind about this man, I could say he might change in many many years, in a different relationship. I believe ultimately though, once a man has decided he is going to cheat on the person he is with, then he will always be a cheater. Particularly if he thinks he can get away with it and will be taken back.

Original poster
BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 19:28

To be honest, all I want to do is make him feel what I feel. However, on reflection, this may only be a temporary feeling.
I think I know the answer, but am finding it very hard to accept it Sad

OP posts:
Hattytown · 13/04/2012 19:34

Well no of course you shouldn't believe him.

But the second time he did this to you and you knew about it, should have been the last time.

Revenge sex is yucky and Sugar Daddy sex especially nauseous.

It really is best to cut your losses and leave him to be an ageing playboy. His predilections have got nothing to do with you. But if you've got children with him, a father figure like this really fucks up boys and girls, in very different but equally harmful ways. If they see their mum refusing to put up with it though, it can mitigate against the damage.

izzyizin · 13/04/2012 19:34

So how much is he paying to shag these hot young babes from around the world? Grin

izzyizin · 13/04/2012 19:40

His latest legover may make him 'want to change' but that doesn't mean he will, *BelleDame, although he'll have no compunction about changing her for a new model as soon as his eye wanders in another direction.

Spots & leopards and all that.

bringbacksideburns · 13/04/2012 19:43

I'd rather be on my own.

Why waste your time on someone like that who can't keep his pants up?
Get out now rather than waste further time on someone who will probably end up hurting you more.

Original poster
BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 19:44

I know I should leave. But I don't know why I can't find the strength to. I know I deserve better than this & can be potentially happier in the future. It's the immediate feelings I am finding hard to deal with...

To answer the question on how much he paid for these girls, let's just say his EBay purchase history read like a lingerie catalogue in various sizes & colours!!

But his being all sweet now & cooked dinner etc...life is such a hell hole right now Sad

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 13/04/2012 19:49

Cooking you dinner v shagging numerous other women...hmmm...

Come on you can do this. Move on. You don't sound like the sort of woman to be short of a few suitors being an ex model an' all! You sound intelligent and feisty...give him the boot and get on with your life.

wheredidiputit · 13/04/2012 19:55

I think a visit to your local GUM clinic is probably the best course of action.

Oh and telling him where to go.

fallenpetal · 13/04/2012 20:03

We are not talking a minor one off fling/one night stand here we are talking a serial cheater! I doubt he will ever changeYes go to your gum clinic! First thing I did when I realised what a bastard exh really was.

I also discovered with a bit of digging he has been unfaithful several times with me and with every relationship prior to meeting me! I dont doubt he will have his eye caught again sometime and the OW will finally get a bit of her own medicine. That or he will as he was OM and she had been unfaithful many times to - lovely pair!

Original poster
BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 20:11

He is now crying & swearing on the children's lives he wants this relationship. He says he has finally realised the error of his ways, whereas before he felt like a King & could conquer anything / anyone. He is the city exec type you see, so full of it...

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 20:12

Thank you, I hadn't thought of the GUM clinic, but will now do so

OP posts:
Lueji · 13/04/2012 20:17

He's a charmer.
Not a faithful man.

What reason has he given for changing?
Being caught?
Hmm

Original poster
BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 20:24

His just slammed the door shut & said he wants to go for a walk.

He said earlier today that he has become remorseful because of what he has caused me to go through?

OP posts:
mummakaz · 13/04/2012 20:50

I think what you need to ask yourself is will I ever be able to trust him 100% without ever checking up on him? etc if the answer is no then I wouldn't even bother.

Personally I could never stay in a relationship where I would never be enough for him :( I don't think he is ever going to change imo...he might for a little while but if it's offered again I doubt very much he will say no

I think if you stay with him it will only end in heartache, don't you think you deserve someone who only wants to be with you?

Original poster
BelleEwood · 13/04/2012 21:00

You're right. I can never trust him again. I do deserve to be happy.
I don't want to make the wrong choices...any advice on when to start thinking of dating? I'm scared I will project my insecurities onto someone else & keep thinking all men are like himSad

On reflection, I cannot agree more. He can change temporarily, but I think if temptation & opportunity presented himself, he would definitely go for it.

Which rings true of all the advice stated here...a leopard never changing his spots, serial cheater etc.

Though, what sways me a tad is his saying he is willing to mend the relationship, do whatever it takes. Would I feel guilty having never given him the chance, or play the fool again??

Please, if you have any experience of this, I really would love to hear your comments. Male & female comments are both very welcome.

A sad little me Sad

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 13/04/2012 21:06

Oh dear OP. Got yourself a right one there haven't you. My advice is to.... yes... get shot. The tears are crocodile ones, he's a total self-obsessed twunt excuse of a man and NO he will never change.

mummakaz · 13/04/2012 21:09

He is going to say everything he thinks you want to hear at this stage. Why give him another chance and why the hell would you feel guilty? he is the one that couldn't keep it in his pants. He certainly doesn't deserve another chance imo

I was cheated on by a previous partner and tbh I was very trusting up until that point. Then I met dh I thought he would do the same. It took me years to fully trust him

lepetitchoufleur · 13/04/2012 21:18

oh OP walk. Now. He probably is hurting, but like all little boys its a shock when someone takes their toys away (which, sadly and wrongly is sort of how he sees you). He's treated you like no more than a thing, a house keeper. And taken you for granted. This behaviour is who he is, not a moment of madness. It is hard to go, sometimes its hard to admit you're in a relationship that isn't working for you, but do leave. My MIL put up with a H (I won't say DH) for many years who cheated whenever he could and her boys lost respect for her and hated him in the end. If you separate, your DCs will get a happier mummy, have respect for you and not grow up seeing their Dad as some awful shit who constantly hurts mummy. You will ALL be better off in the long run. It sounds like he likes to (and possibly is used to?) have(ing) has cake and eat(ing) it, so when you let him know that's not an option he'll do anything he can to get his "cake" back. Be warned, it won't be fun but you'll be better off in the end.

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