Is this infidelity?

[Clolan]

Have recently discovered my DH has been having nightly chats with an ex from many years ago... They are "innocent", but there is flirting and I am not sure how to deal with this. I really feel betrayed. He has opened up to her and they a have had meaningful and deep talks... Why do I feel as though he is being unfaithful? It may sound silly but I would rather he had had meaningless sex than deep chats with an ex I have never even met...

He is having an emotional affair

I would class that as infidelity

I am very sorry

How did you find out ?

How has he tried to excuse it ?

I hope he hasn't blamed you in any way

"I really feel betrayed"

Would he like it if you were having meaningful and deep talks with an ex from many years ago...?

How did you find out and what does he have to say about it?

I knew Af would get in there before I did!!

Yes it is.

I completely understand why you would feel like that if you thought you had a traditionally monogamous relationship, which most of us do if we don't discuss an alternative.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Not necessarily , not from what you have told us.

What Anyfucker said.

Sorry.

I found out by accident - stumbled across a strange message... He has not tried to blame me in any way and has said he wants to work this out. He also claims that it was innocent and that he doesn't know hwy he didn't tell me. THAT is my big issue here - if it was really NOTHING. In his mind the surely he would have told me? I just don't know how to deal with this, I am so angry and am not sure how we get past this and how I could trust him again

It depends on the meaningful and the flirting.

What do you feel the most upset about? Is the real issue that he doesn't have those conversations with you? Or does he?

I assume it's by Facebook or similar, not on the phone?

It is an emotional affair and he DOES know why he didn't tell you. He is covering his arse now you have found out.

I would reccommend you buy the Shirley Glass book 'Not Just Friends' and read what she has to say about the wayward partner's justifications for opening a window to the possibilities for infidelity. It's all there.

I would also reccommend you read Mrsorry's posts. He's been there and done it himself and does a fine job of telling it how it was right from discovery to where he is now.

Sorry OP.

What does he want to 'work out', his friendship with the woman, or your relationship?

Lots of poster on here recommend the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends" in similar circumstances, for both partners to read.

Does he understand how betrayed (rightfully so) you feel?

I'm sorry you feel so betrayed and hurt. I would too.

How long were these chats going on for?

Been in your situation- not an ex but woman he met thro work.It hurts,it is a betrayal and it is an emotional affair.He needs to really get that ASAP and do ALL the right things to make amends ie.cut all contact,be prepared to talk and answer our questions and yes read Shirley Glass book.Whatever it takes.I only stayed in my marriage because DH was willing to do that- and we went to counselling- his idea,which told me he was seriously sorry.
So sorry you're going through this and will be thinking of you today.My heart aches for you x

they have been going on for a month. she is in the middle of a marriage break up and has been telling him all about it.
Where do i find Mrsorry's posts (am new to this)

The problem here is that if it is innocent and you tell him its upsetting you he shouldnt hesitate to stop it,his loyalty should be to you and not an ex.

Tell him it stops now or you walk.

This seems more common now in our days of internet.

thanks Stargazy, really helps to know there are others who have been thru this. A part of me thinks maybe I am overreacting, but then i think that HE DIDN'T TELL ME - and that gets me worried all over again...
I think he does want to talk about it - he seems really scared by how i have reacted to this...

I would be more upset about this than about shagging someone else tbh. Much more.

im sorry :(

As usual, no point in me replying as AF has already said what needs to be said and put it far better than I could.

Best quote I've heard is :-
"you don't have to have sex to cheat. Once you find yourself deleting texts you're probably almost there".

You don't hide friendships.

So sorry op.

Funny that is exactly what I said to him - that it would hurt me less if he had had meaningless sex with someone than this...
I cannot believe how much it hurts, and how hard it is to put on a brave face for the kids

Get the book "Not Just Friends" as recommended, it talks about walls and windows in relationships. Your H has effectively put a wall up to you on this relationship with his ex and put windows into your marriage for her . And in the words of Dr Phil (I know, I know but he does talk some sense) a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing.....

You are right to feel extremely hurt by this relationship, have you turned it around onto him ie if you had secret chats with an ex that he knew nothing about etc.

Good morning, clolan, I am glad to see you have had lots more kind and supportive posts

here is the thread that MrSorry features in, as mentioned above

he is a man who did what many selfish, self-entitled people do but he takes responsibility for it and has some great insights into how someone on the receiving end should not accept it, and how someone who has done it should be acting in the aftermath

"Not Just friends" is also highly recommended, for you and your H to read

it will be difficult reading for your H, because the author pulls no punches about how doing something like this is due to the weaknesses, thrill seekiing and selfishness in the perpetrator and nothing to do with the marriage at all

I hope you managed to get some sleep, my love, and that if you are strong now, you find a way to deal with this that satisfies you (not him)

Wow! MrSorry is one helluva guy - not many men would open up like that.
Sleep was a long time coming last night and i just cant get the whole thing out of my mind. It seems so unreal - like it is happening to someone else! i wish!!
the thing is the texts are not sexual in nature, just a bit too familiar - trips down memory lane (their first date etc), saying "morale booster" stuff and most of all continuous... daily and for ages each day.

I think if he had told me they were in touch at the start and that she was going thru a bad time i would have been supportive. BUT the fact that he kept it form me just keeps me spinning -WHY would he have not told me if he was not trying to hide it? Am I going nuts here???

no you are most definitetly not going nuts and you must, must MUST hang on to that OP.

FWIW when I first had reason to 'snoop' I discovered hundreds and hundreds of texts and phone calls between my now ex and his 'friend' who he was 'supporting' through yet another failing relationship. And it all started with seeing some rather too intimate sounding emails between them - and ended with 'I love you's'.

Trips down memory lane for them both and rose tinted glasses too I suspect. She's up for it IMO and she's giving him all the signals. He has to close it down NOW and be totally open with you from now on. Anything less is paying lip service to 'wanting to work it out'.

you are not going nuts

the secrecy is the key here

if he thought it was appropriate, he wouldn't have hidden it...end of

get your H to read that thread I linked to

the very minimum he should do is cut off all contact with her

now, and completely

and he should do it in front of you, no excuses and no compromises

any attempt to contact her, or respond to messages from her after that should mean suitcases on the lawn with immediate effect