I think I've had enough now

[midwife99]

Im very good at giving level headed advice to mumsnetters going through break because I've been divorced twice myself but am not so good at taking my own advice.

I'm having major problems in my 3rd marriage & have posted on these before. I think I'm getting to the point where I've had enough now. I've been deprived of sex & affection, talked to & looked like a piece of shit, told I'm too fat, unfeminine, a horrible person, threatened with being left with 4 DCs regularly & blamed for everything that pisses him off in every way.

Things cane to a head a couple of weeks ago, he threatened to leave again so I told him to get out then & there. It's my house 100% that I owned before I met him. He went to stay in a hotel & then his parents for a week & set up counselling for us saying that he was sorry for the things he had done & returned full of resolve to change things.

A few months ago he chickened out of a vasectomy on the day of the procedure & so I was sterilised last week. Unfortunately I developed a wound abscess & so spent the whole Easter weekend in hospital & since then he has gone back to his old attitude & is now saying he came back only because we agreed to address my problems in counselling. I've been really unwell this week & yet his attitude is really unpleasant. Eg we ran out of milk today & I asked him to go to the Co op & get some organic which I prefer for DCs. He snarled - I'm not going to the Co op now - its One Stop or nothing. I must have pulled a face as I turned away & he shouted - not good enough for you then? & slammed the door. I'm sick of being spoken to like shit & then blamed for it saying he just reacts to me defensively because of my controlling behaviour. I picked some spaghetti off the floor DD had dropped. & he said - that's something we're going to address in counselling - your OCD. He accuses me of gaslighting & says his behaviour is typical of someone subjected to a bullying abusive relationship.

I feel so weary. Do I grow some balls again say fuck off out of my house this minute or see if the counsellor can help next week?

oh OP

he sounds so so horrid.

i really don't think counselling will help this situation. he is clearly abusing you emotionally. he calls you names fgs! counselling will just be another stick to beat you with

you've probably read on here before that counselling is contraindicated where abuse is involved. this applies here.

i think it's time to DTMFA.
and i hope you feel better soon.

Yes you grow some balls and tell him to fuck off, then you go to the counsellor on your own and talk about how you ended up in that situation.

He is vile. Really vile and cowardly, too.

I agree with oikopolis. (again!)

You need to kick the MoFo OUT. For good. He is abusing you.

Stop the counselling, change the locks.

So sorry.

is now saying he came back only because we agreed to address my problems in counselling.

Well that's very telling... he feels they're all your problems that need addressing.

Tell him to fuck off, and after that, I think counselling would be great for you, on your own.

i should clarify i mean joint counselling is contradicated where abuse is involved. Imperial's suggestion of individual counselling is definitely not contraindicated!

Oh and Imperial,I agree with her too!

Thanks, Houdini!

don't do joint counselling with this man. You must have seen that advice many times, midwife. He will use the sessions as another way to belittle you.

Tell him to leave again, and this time he stays away.

he obviously cannot "change" for more than very short periods of time, and he will wear you down so that all this shit is normalised. It isn't good for you, and it isn't good for your kids to witness

I completely agree that you give great advice on other threads....why do you think you are not entitled to it yourself ?

I don't know - I thought it was the shame of telling friends & family that I had yet another failed marriage behind me but I recently emailed my Dad & told him everything that's been going on & he said they would support me whatever I choose to do & they are very concerned about DHs behaviour. Close friends are also supportive. I am afraid of making a mistake I will regret & also managing in a practical sense. My job is tricky childcare wise & I don't earn much but I know I'd survive somehow. I feel so sad

Boot him out. He sounds like a fuckwit.

However much counselling you go to won't make him a nicer person. He's expecting to go and be told how unreasonable you are and how wonderful he is, and when the counsellor doesn't agree with him, that'll be your fault as well because you'll have somehow managed to 'control' the counsellor's behaviour.

Can you fit in a lodger? Some students will do child care in return for cheaper rent. Just an idea.

Have seen your threads, and admired your advice, hope you boot him out. the MN force is with you!

I've seen your threads too. I'm glad you're getting closer to a realisation that this man is no good for you. I would get him out and keep him out for at least a month - I am pretty certain if you have some time and head space away from his constant badgering of you, you will discover that all he is is a drain on your compassion, kindness and patience. Those are qualities you should be spending on yourself, not on this gigantic tosspot.

You can't go to joint counselling with a man who is already using the idea of counselling to bully and browbeat you.

Just get him to leave. You don't deserve this.

I've read your threads and benefited from your advice myself, LOTS! FWIW I truly believe that when you reach the point where you know it's time to go, you should trust yourself. You will be more than ok - you will be fabulous and your children will be too.

Whenever you feel filled with doubt, regret and sadness, repeat after me:
"I deserve to have a wonderful life."

You are as special and unique as each of your DCs, of course your dad will love and support you. Just as you would love and support any of your DC going through the same thing, right?

Midwife99 this practically mirrors my 3rd disaster. I struggled on for all the reasons you say. My X arranged counselling for us and proceded to slag me off for the whole hour, whilst justifying his behavior. The counsellor just kept looking at me and apologising that she was directing everything at him. He just could not/would not get it that it was him. He was verbally abuseive and she told him direct that this was Domestic Violence and I should have a plan that as soon as he started I should leave the room (usually bedroom) and go into either spare room or my daughters room (she was old enough to understand 18). The very first time I put this into practice he ranted up and down the house slamming doors, yelling and then grabbed his laptop and a bottle of whisly and left. And that was the end of that!

I was jusr bloody relieved that he's gone but also glad he's had the guts to do it because I had been dithering and procrastinating for months.

we struggled financially as he was major breadwinner but it was worth the struggle. I only wish him bad things.

Surprise surprise, he just came & started having a go at me while we were eating. It's strange it always starts with an apology - eg "I'm sorry I'm defensive & reacting badly to you BUT since I agreed to come back (!!!!) I've been trying really hard & just keep getting knocked back. I've decided that I'm going to go to the counselling on my own for a while & then you can start coming a few weeks later because otherwise you'll control the sessions & humiliate me by making me out to look a complete bastard." I replied ok but I don't think the counsellor would be willing to do couples counselling after she's worked with one party because of possible bias. He said "oh you're controlling her too now then!" I said no I think she'd suggest we saw someone else together but lets ask her opinion". I also said "meanwhile can I just make clear that I DID NOT ask you to come back & that I'd like you to decide for yourself to stay or leave rather than say I'm blackmailing you to stay (how??!!!) I need to get my anger back. I think it's because I've been so ill the last 10 days I've become vulnerable again.

Your strength will come back, midwife

and when it does you take the initiative and tell him to go...don't wait for him to give you another opportunity

take back the control

Midwife - you are still locked in the cycle of who has to be the 'bad guy' by ending it. It is your greatest fear and he plays on it mercilessly. Ultimately it doesn't matter who ends it, so what if he does tell the world and his dog that you chucked him out? You will never be free of him whilst you play to his rules, i.e. that whoever walks away from the relationship 'loses'.

The details of whether his alleged counsellor (who I would imagine will mysteriously be quoted as supporting his views on everything) and whether he or she will work with you as a couple is irrelevant. That's just him reeling you back in to his drama. Let him go; he will never leave under his own steam unless he finds another victim - why wait for that to happen? Even then it'll be your fault.

Can you take your smallest dd and leave the house for a few days? I just think this must be a horrendous atmosphere for you to be trying to recover from surgery in.

I think that's why he stays despite threats & yes it will have to me who either throws him out or next time he says that's it I'm leaving I will expedite his exit. I don't mind being the one who ends the relationship in terms of who has failed or lost. I just need to get the guts up to do it. A counsellor once said to me you have to hit the wall before you take action. & when you go it's fast. I certainly did in my previous divorces. The embarrassment factor will be the same either way!

Sounds like a decision. Hope all goes well x

God, he sounds awful....

He went to stay in a hotel & then his parents for a week & set up counselling for us saying that he was sorry for the things he had done & returned full of resolve to change things.

Now this is very telling.... He obviously has nowhere to go and so comes back and makes out everything is YOUR problem, setting up counselling for you both (did he really?) and "full of resolve to change things". I.e Please take me back in your house, I have nowhere else to go.

The sooner you kick him out for good the sooner you will find your own strength.

Your DCs need you, he is a grown man. He can look after himself (and if he didn't till now, high time he learnt). He is not your responsibility.

Awbless that sounds awful but it's reassuring to know you felt relieved when he went. Another thing that is helping me to get nearer to chucking him out is that until recently I still really fancied him & craved his affection & attention. Recently I have started looking at him & thinking yuk - I wouldn't touch you if you paid me. That helps ALOT! Also one of our issues used to be him constantly ignoring & neglecting me - spending every night & weekend studying maths & physics or working. Now I hate it if he wants to spend time with me as it invariably involves him huffing & criticising something I'm watching on TV, fiddling with the speakers & the sound & then talking over it all the time anyway or constantly tapping away on phone, laptop, tablet & shuffling books next to me! He has taken over the utility room cupboards as a personal shoe cupboard as he won't share the under stairs cupboard with the rest of us because it's annoying to look for his shoes, he converted my garage into a gorgeous luxury office for himself but says he has nowhere to go in this house to get any peace, he moans about the mattress & blames it for all his physical ailments & when I reserved a latex mattress topper at Argos for him to collect went ballistic about the price. He's an arse.

keep nurturing that disdain, it will serve you well

frankly whilst counselling is great (i'm part qualified and aiming to continue training in september so i obviously believe in it's merits) it can't turn a cunt into a non cunt and he sounds a complete and utter cunt.

sorry. that's not all that articulate but why would you want to keep him?