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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

problem in the bed room

27 replies

danni99 · 12/04/2012 17:50

Ive been with my boyfriend since February and we seem to be having a problem in the bed room and I wanted to ask is this problem common or normal?
The problem is that my boyfriend cant climax during sex no matter how hard we try he cannot climax and its getting our relationship down. We want to have children as well and need to over come this problem. I get upset and think am I doing it right and all sorts of other negative things. Any way is this normal for a man to have this sort of problem?

OP posts:

CrockoDuck · 12/04/2012 17:52

Can he climax in other ways - masturbation & oral etc?

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 17:55

Is he on anti-depressants?

Original poster

danni99 · 12/04/2012 18:01

hello yes he can climax when he masterbates and watches porn.
and no hes not on anti depressants.

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 18:05

How often does he watch porn?

DinahMoHum · 12/04/2012 18:09

hes wanking too much imo. He needs to stop wanking.

People often have this problem when they get used to the harder more vigourous sensation of masturbation rather than the gentler ones of sex

Original poster

danni99 · 12/04/2012 18:10

hello house of plain I dont know how often but i would say around once or tiwce an month. He told me he was addicted to porn but he claims he cut down on it I would guess about twice a month maybe.

OP posts:

Nemmmmo · 12/04/2012 18:15

Name change

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 18:16

So he has said he had a porn addiction, you sure he is telling the truth? That's like an alcoholic stopping at 1-2 beers a month....

I'm not getting into a porn bunfight here, my stance on mn is neither pro, or anti it on purpose. However it is known that people who are exposed to too much porn, and wank to it all the time. Start to have issues with functioning in the bedroom.

When you mentioned the word porn, I could almost guess he had a problem with it, which is why he can't finish the job, he has been desensitised to normal sex with a human.

TooEasilyTempted · 12/04/2012 18:16

If you think he's using porn and masturbating twice a month, then he's probably actually doing it more like at least twice a week.

He needs to lay off the porn and masturbation for a while to reset his sensors. It's like when my DH works away for a few weeks and I've overdone the rampant rabbit, which can take me from nought to finished in about two minutes - it takes me a week or two to get back to normal with poor old DH .

ASByatt · 12/04/2012 18:18

Erm you've been with him since February and you want to have children together?

Nemmmmo · 12/04/2012 18:20

Yay it worked.

Masturbation is not necessarily the issue. Some men do have problems with orgasming while DTD, including my DH. We have tried various 'solutions' (no masturbation/attempts at changing masturbation to a slower pace to see if that can trigger the right response/different positions/etc). Nothing has worked and even the doctor wasn't able to suggest anything.

So we found ways around it (we have been TTC also). For us - we have lots of sex (which is great since he has no problems with erections and has stamina ) and then at the end he gets himself to the finish line. It does work as I am almost 12 weeks PG.

HepHep · 12/04/2012 18:59

I was going to suggest it might be his specific masturbatory, er, grip, which could be the issue. If he's more used to wanking than sex, then it can be difficult to come with PIV because he's not used to that sensation and may have a very specific way in which he brings himself to orgasm.

However as he's said himself he had/has a porn addiction, I'd say that was at least part of the problem. For some people, porn desensitizes them mentally (the mind is the biggest sex organ) to the extent that they need more and more outlandish and/or unrealistic fantasies or actions to bring them to their special happy place. If you'd been together ages I'd suggest sex therapy as a couple. But as you've only just started going out, and given the porn, I'd say perhaps it's not worth continuing? If it was due to nerves you'd think they've have abated by now.

I was with a bloke like this. It was a bit crap. I blamed myself but I think he was just a freak who could only get turned on by voyeurism and other fucked up stuff, and was addicted to wanking. Normal sex just couldn't do it for him; he couldn't hack the intimacy aspect and he was happier with just his hand. I pity any woman who dates him now TBH, and I expect it will always end up with the same end result; him and his hand reunited and alone together.
I'm not bitter because my current lover is amazing . But I remember how soul destroying it was. Totally sympathize.

Original poster

danni99 · 13/04/2012 19:29

ok thanks guys seems like I need to chat with him about this but it looks like it could be a bigger problem so may have to leave him if he carrys on like that.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 13/04/2012 19:41

God why bother?

You're two months into a relationship with a porn addict who lies about it (twice a month, I should cocoa - more like twice a day ) and he can't orgasm through sex with a partner?

Whereas there are non-porn using men who will be much better in bed and won't lie to you.

If the sex is this much of a minefield after 2 months, it's not going to get any better is it?

DinahMoHum · 13/04/2012 19:45

hes telling you lies if he doesnt come via sex, yet insists he only wanks twice a month. As if!
if he was coming during sex, then maybe id believe the wanking amount

izzyizin · 13/04/2012 19:52

O jeez - don't bother with the talk, save your breath and just ditch him.

And fgs don't rush to have dc with any man you barely know.

helpyourself · 13/04/2012 19:53

I'm with Hatty, move on.

Pannacotta · 13/04/2012 20:14

Doesnt sound good.
I had a boyfriend who had problems having an orgasm duing sex. I think it was mainly due to very regular and vigorous wanking...

Bit soul destroying really, as another poster says. I'd move on if I were you OP.

curiositykitten · 13/04/2012 20:18

Firstly, you really shouldn't even be considering kids at this stage!

Secondly, you say "no matter how hard we try" - the harder you try, then harder it'll be for him! He's probably stressing about it, which won't help.

Can he sustain an erection, just can't ejaculate?

Has he had this problem since you got together or has it happened recently? Has he had this problem with other partners?

perfumedlife · 13/04/2012 20:22

Do people really think it's a good idea to bring kids into the world after knowing each other two months?

God I feel old.

izzyizin · 13/04/2012 21:12

I guess that's what passes as a long-term relaionship for some pl.

perfumedlife · 13/04/2012 21:31

izzy

Original poster

danni99 · 15/04/2012 08:10

hi yeah he can maintain an errection. In the past he said he did have an errection problem but he cut down on porn and now hes got that back to normal. he also tryed to blame me for the fact that he cant come he said it was mainly my fault. I really dont want to see him again after last nights drama.

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 15/04/2012 08:25

I really dont want to see him again after last nights drama.
Then don't.
It's really that simple

DinahMoHum · 15/04/2012 08:33

:O what on earth did he say?

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