Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice wanted regarding having sex when DP and I have fallen out.

40 replies

justfortoday2012 · 12/04/2012 14:38

DP and I are going through a tricky patch. In brief he has been particularly selfish recently, he has apologised but his apology feels like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I am still hurt and angry. I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle sex at the moment.

I know that in an ideal world we would sit and talk things over, compromise, make up and then all could go back to normal in the bedroom. Unfortunately though the reality of this situation is that I think it will take a few weeks to sort things out.

Meanwhile I don?t know what is reasonable in terms of having sex together. We both enjoy it and I think that it is a very important part of our relationship. I don?t want to withhold having sex but feel unsure about whether its OK to make love when we have fallen out so badly.

I hope this makes sense to someone and would appreciate any advice??.

OP posts:

unfloopy · 12/04/2012 15:04

I'm sorry you're going through a bad patch.

I don't have any advice, I am just reflecting really. I understand you don't want to withdraw sex, but at the same time, if you've fallen out, is it a realistic expectation? Can you actually bring yourself to have sex and please him when you just want to stab him in the eye with a biro?! I get that sex is one source of bonding for couples, but I don't know if having sex under these circumstances is putting the horse before the cart. Easier said than done, but working on the relationship and doing what comes naturally seems the done thing.

My sister is TTC, and she recently fell out with her DP during ovulation time, she was that ep of Friends where Monica had sex with Chandler in a similar set up. Sister said it was not enjoyable sex at all!

My personal rule of thumb is have it if I/we want it, don't if I don't. Of course, when you make up, make up sex can be great!

Hope things get better.

dreamingbohemian · 12/04/2012 15:11

Don't have sex unless you want to.

If it takes a few weeks before you want to, well, so be it.

I can't even imagine having sex with someone I was angry with, I would not relax or enjoy it at all.

Original poster

justfortoday2012 · 12/04/2012 15:25

Thank you for your thoughts.

I think I may be a little, or a lot, odd because I do feel like having sex even though I am angry enough to poke him in the eye with a biro !! I'm not sure its a healthy thing to do under the circumstances though- perhaps I should resort to a cold shower or two!!

I just don't want to add lack of intimacy into the mix while we are struggling.....

OP posts:

clam · 12/04/2012 15:31

Absolutely no flipping way would I have sex with dh if I was pissed off with him.
You ask if it's OK. Well, only you can answer that.

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 15:32

Would you feel you would have sex just for him or would you enjoy it too?

If the latter, I would do it, not the least because sex can be a very good way to ease tensions.
If you don't want to, would do it only for him but you would not enjoy it, avoid.

clam · 12/04/2012 15:34

But doing it for yourself because you want/need it, is using him, isn't it? There are a raft of people on here who'd bust a gasket if it were the other way round.

clam · 12/04/2012 15:34

Not to mention giving him a mixed message. He'll assume you've forgiven him if you do.

dreamingbohemian · 12/04/2012 15:35

Hmm. Well if you both want to, why would it be unhealthy?

Do you feel like it would be sending him a signal that everything's okay when it's not?

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 15:35

No not if the other is up for it.
I assume the OP's DH would say NO if he didn't want to because he is still upset with the OP?

clam · 12/04/2012 15:44

He's not upset with her, it's she who's upset with him. He's apologised, but she can't get past what he's done at the moment.
To have sex with him now would undermine her position, imo.

Original poster

justfortoday2012 · 12/04/2012 15:55

Just to clarify- I would not be doing it just for DP, I would enjoy sex despite being angry and hurt (which I appreciate sounds a little odd ), I would completely understand if DP would prefer not to at the moment.

However, I think it could undermine my position (as Clam suggested) and could also send mixed messages to DP.

So I guess maybe I should not let it happen even though I am concerned that witholding sex can cause problems- and so might further increase the distance between us ?

OP posts:

Adayforthinking · 12/04/2012 16:03

I'm almost envious of your problem (not that you're going through a bad-patch), I just wish I wanted to have sex at all!!

But no, I'm not sure I could if I was angry... Although if I suddenly had the urge, I think I'd jump DH whether I was angry or not - since I haven't felt like that in years!

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 12/04/2012 16:20

I want sex everyday poor dp has to fend me off but if I was annoyed I couldn't bring myself to do it. There is too much intamacy and comforting and loving involved for me to do it when cross.

swallowedAfly · 12/04/2012 16:25

i think it'd be ok - you can tell him 'i'm still pissed off with you! this doesn't mean it's dealt with'. i can actually see how you could still enjoy sex together even though there's an issue you're dealing with. you can have issues/stuff happen that need dealing with but don't necessarily mean an end to intimacy.

swallowedAfly · 12/04/2012 16:26

and it can be easier talk after sex sometimes - when boundaries are softened and you're not so angry and separate.

oikopolis · 12/04/2012 16:33

if you still love him, and want to have sex with him, and he also wants to, then have sex.

you can be extremely pissed off with someone and still love them. and in any case, if you're not going to leave him over this, then you may as well continue to enjoy the good parts of being together.

if you are actually thinking of chucking him though, then i think there is a risk of mixed messages and you might want to control your urges for now.

plantsitter · 12/04/2012 16:38

If you want to carry the relationship on, then yes, have sex if you want it (if you want it being the most important bit there). All those love hormones it produces will probably help you forgive him quicker, tbh. That is, as long as he's making sure you're good and satisfied ;)

clam · 12/04/2012 16:42

Maybe he needs it underlining though, that there is distance between you, and he needs to do something about that!

swallowedAfly · 12/04/2012 16:43

yeah but that's not what sex is for is it? not for making points.

kerstina · 12/04/2012 16:49

Just get on with it its good stress relief after all I think you are over thinking it .Sounds like you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you enjoy it that much!

SchrodingersMew · 12/04/2012 16:55

Me and DP seem to have more and better sex when we have fallen out, no idea why.
If you both want it then you will probably make it worse refusing yourself out of spite I think, on the other hand though if he doesn't realise how annoyed you are it might give mixed messages.

clam · 12/04/2012 17:04

People have sex, or not, for dozens of different reasons. The OP said she didn't want to put further distance between them, but his behaviour has already done that. He doesn't see what all the fuss is about, but he may do if he realises that it's affected the OP's attitude towards sleeping with him.

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 17:19

Yes but that's exactely what 'witholding sex' is about isn't it?
I am unahppy about you so I am not going to have sex with you even though you would like to and I would be happy about it too. Just to make a point that I am upset.

I suppose that it really depends on the people. but I also fond that sex can be very good at bringing people closer and reconnect again.

And it doesn't stop the Op to have a chat anyway about what has happened.

clam · 12/04/2012 17:25

The OP's case is slightly different in that she has said that she would quite like to and feels she can separate the two. Frankly, for me, him wanting to if I didn't, would be tough shit. If he'd upset me (to the degree the OP's dp has), then it wouldn't be about simply 'withholding sex,' I just would not want to be close to him in that way until it was sorted.
And in the OP's case (read her other thread), she's had more than a chat about it and she's still livid with him.

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 17:25

Just go up to him and say, "Listen, you are not forgiven for that argument. I still hate you for it and spend my free time thinking of ways in which I can make you suffer. However, I want sex. Not necessarily with you, but you're the only person around. Now either you can apologise sincerely and immediately and we can go to bed or I will become in an even worse mood because I am frustrated AND annoyed. It's your choice."

Flip

1 2