Advice wanted regarding having sex when DP and I have fallen out.

[justfortoday2012]

DP and I are going through a tricky patch. In brief he has been particularly selfish recently, he has apologised but his apology feels like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I am still hurt and angry. I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle sex at the moment.

I know that in an ideal world we would sit and talk things over, compromise, make up and then all could go back to normal in the bedroom. Unfortunately though the reality of this situation is that I think it will take a few weeks to sort things out.

Meanwhile I don?t know what is reasonable in terms of having sex together. We both enjoy it and I think that it is a very important part of our relationship. I don?t want to withhold having sex but feel unsure about whether its OK to make love when we have fallen out so badly.

I hope this makes sense to someone and would appreciate any advice??.

Yep, imperial, I like your style!
(although her dp has apologised and she still can't stop being pissed off with him).

dont overthink things. If you both want to have sex just do it.

If youre still cross, tell him "this doesnt mean youre forgiven ;)" afterwards

Clam sorry haven't read the other thread, You obvioulsy have more infos than I have.
For me this thread reads:
I have an argument with DH. I am still upset about it.
However, I am still OK to have sex with him and i am wondering if I could.

Nothing about a real major issue or something that has been going for ages etc...
Th reason and the context of the 'argument' could prob set a different tone.

Her husband chose not to go on a family holiday, GoOnPitch.

But it's symptomatic of a feeling on her part that he's neglecting the relationship and the family.

As clam has said I am pretty livid with DP and he unfortunately doesn't understand why I can't let it go. Apologies for having the added complication of another thread with more information about our disagreement (he chose not to come on a family Easter break).

I think I've decided that given DP firstly doesn't seem to understand just why I am hurt and angry, and secondly thinks I am overreacting it would be silly of me to have sex with him under these particular circumstances. I can see him getting the incorrect message that if I can have sex with him then I'm ready to forgive him- which I am not!!!

Cold shower it is .

Thank you for all of your wise advice, Mumsnet is a brilliant place .

ImperialBlether
"Just go up to him and say, "Listen, you are not forgiven for that argument. I still hate you for it and spend my free time thinking of ways in which I can make you suffer. However, I want sex. Not necessarily with you, but you're the only person around. Now either you can apologise sincerely and immediately and we can go to bed or I will become in an even worse mood because I am frustrated AND annoyed. It's your choice.""

Yes, lets go down the backmail route shall we, cos that always works well.

well you could have angry sex. ie. just fulfill a physical need with no cuddles etc and then go back to ignoring and coldness.

I see you have made your mind up already but...

I think it depends on the kind of misdemeanor eg. if he had committed a sexual type I wouldn't touch my H with a bargepole

but as it isn't, although you are still not happy with his understanding of how he has hurt you, if you want sex with him (for your own sake) then I would go ahead

you are not splitting up, so I think it's reasonable to say "I am still pissed off with you, and this doesn't mean I have fogiven you, but I am horny and we still love each other so how about it?"

you need to remember that sex isn't something that women give to men, and take away to punish them...if you want it, have it

There has been times in my marriage where my dh and myself have been going through a "rocky" patch, had neither of us been able to reach out to each other in a sexual way it would have deepened our issues. Imho you can be cheesed off about issues but still show someone that besides this you still care and love them.

No, it's meant to be something you share together, hopefully out of mutual love and attraction. She's not feeling particularly loving towards him at the moment, so it's off the cards. He needs to make the effort to understand why she's upset and help to get them back on track.

I'm sure plenty of people continue to have sex with their partners in all sorts of circumstances that I wouldn't consider. And vice versa. Each to their own.

I think if you want it, have it. You can still sort out your issues and discuss how to move forward. No point making it worse than it needs to be. If it was really serious, can't imagine you'd want to touch him with a barge pole. Sex makes you closer, shows each other you care, which is a great starting point for working on any issues. Building up a wall is never the way to resolve disagreements, especially if you are in it for the long haul. Saying all that, I go off sex when I'm livid with DH... Maybe we have different views of what livid constitutes...

that is true, clam

Apologies if this is too late now (if you've been at it like rabbits all weekend!) but I don't see how you're going to get over this disagreement. He's badly upset you, but can't see what you're fussing about, yet nothing's changed for him. He still gets to do as much training (in family time) as he wants, AND normal service has resumed at home too. Where's his incentive to change things? It'll all be swept under the carpet and things will carry on as before, but with your resentment bubbling away under the surface until the next time.