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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Expecting me to change my parenting 4 him

71 replies

Hairclip · 07/02/2006 23:26

I have a son who is 25, he is an only child and me and his dad split up 7 years ago, my son lives with me. He works full time but has goten himself in a lot of debt with credit cards, store cards and loans so cant afford to rent or buy a place of his own.

I have been with my current partner for 3 years and up until recently he has been fine with my son but now he's starting to try and tell me what to do with him and thinks I pamper him.

I do help him out with money, I pay one of his monthly credit card bills to take the pressure off him a little and I know he could be a bit better with money but my partner is infuriated because my son has just spend £350 on an xbox when my partner said he couldve put that money on his card but it seems lately he's getting at him for every little thing.

He moans because I pack his bag for him when he goes to see his friends on a weekend (he once phoned me whilst he was there to complain that I didnt put enough boxer shorts in his bag lol). He also thinks its stupid that wheh my son comes home on a sunday he gives me his bag to sort out (just take the clothes out, wash them and put them away etc) but surely whilst our kids still live with us most of us would still do things for them?? Its not exactly hard to sort a bag out.

We had a huge row a few months ago because my son had gone for a night out and phoned at 2am to ask me to go and pick him up, DP expected me to say no and leave him stuck in the town centre with no money .

The last row erupted because my son had come home from work at 5:30 and waited until 10pm (until I come home from work) for me to cook his tea and my dp reckoned my son had starved himself rather than cook himself.

Yes he can be a bit lazy but at the end of the day he's a bloke! how do I help him see that he is still my son, no matter how old he is?

OP posts:
Expectantmum · 07/02/2006 23:32

Hairclip, I can see both points. As a new mum to a DS, I am sure I will probably be the same with him eventually, although when I grew up my mum made sure I was capable of cooking a family meal, could iron and pretty much look after a household by the time I was at secondary school. My BIL (33) still lives at home with my MIL and he infuriates because he pays her an absolute pittance (£30 a week) but he only pays that when he says he can, even though he must order in take aways about 4 times a week, goes on foreign holidays twice a year and goes out every saturday night. He complains when his washing isn't done, and when MIL's washing machine broke down the other week, she sent his washing to me to do!! IMO she should put her foot down, and now her grandson has moved and is treating her exactly the same! OMG - do I have this to look forward?!!

ambercat · 07/02/2006 23:33

I feel sorry for your sons future wife!!!

No wonder he still lives at home with this sort of service!

Seriously he needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet you are not helping him by being his skivvy.

TambaTheTemptress · 07/02/2006 23:33

I think you are having a laugh hairclip - you cant seriously expect me to think that your dp is being unreasonable when you write it out like that!!

Original poster
Hairclip · 07/02/2006 23:35

Im not saying he isnt a little spoilt but I still think my dp is being unreasonable expecting the relationship between me and my son to change just for him.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 07/02/2006 23:36

TBH I can't take this post seriously at all.

TambaTheTemptress · 07/02/2006 23:36

Hes 25, youve done your job, now its time to let your dp in on a bit of the action.

TambaTheTemptress · 07/02/2006 23:36

ditto Jones

JonesTheSteam · 07/02/2006 23:38

never posted before!!!!!

Can anyone see any billy goats?

colditz · 07/02/2006 23:39

Good god, woman, your son is the same age as me and he is taking the piss out of you, bigtime. Your partner is absolutely right. I wouldn't tolerate this behavior in a 17 year old.

You should not be packing this man's bag, you should not be paying his bills, you should not be cooking his meals, you should not be doing his washing, and you absolutely should have left him in town with no money, he spent it all wiothout your help, didn't he?

You are not helping him. You are hindering his growing up to be a functional member of society. The reasobn so many men are so useless is because they are completely infantalised by their mothers.

I really hope you are a bored regular.

jamiesam · 07/02/2006 23:40

Jones - you beat me to it!

waterfalls · 08/02/2006 00:08

I bet you wake him in the mornings for work too, dont you, and his ironing, and change his bedding.

Does he still have a dummy and a warm bottle of milk at bedtime too??

Jeez, time to cut the apron strings i think.

hunkermunker · 08/02/2006 00:33

Hairclip, you cannot be for real. At least, I hope you aren't.

If you are...you're doing your son no favours.

Levanna · 08/02/2006 02:02

PMSL, my xMIL is like this with her sons (one of whom is 33), it's quite grotesque to witness.
Apron strings? Umbilical cord!

I wonder if these are the type of men who develop nappy wearing fetishes? (Luckily my xH left home at 16 so was relatively unaffected).

If you aren't a troll hairclip, then I'm sorry, I must sound quite rude.

BTW, is your RL name Frankenstein?

MrsDoolittle · 08/02/2006 02:10

The sad thing is this isn't an unlikely story. Dm is almost as bad with my brother. Neither myself nor my sisters can understand it but it happens.
I'm sorry but can't sympathise here.

foundintranslation · 08/02/2006 06:52

He's 25 hairclip, not 10.

dejags · 08/02/2006 07:14

Hairclip - you aren't doing your son any favours. He sounds indulged and completely reliant on you.

At the rate you are going he'll be the only man in your life. Your poor partner.

Sorry to be blunt but if this isn't a wind up you need to know that this is not normal.

MeerkatsUnite · 08/02/2006 08:15

I don't think Hairclip's post is a wind up - when you consider that 1 in 7 men over the age of 30 live at home (and my BIL is one such person) then I can well believe this is happening. Infact I can see some similarities between this situation and that of my BIL (and he is 42).

Am sorry but I have to take your partner's side here.

As for this comment of yours:-
Yes he can be a bit lazy but at the end of the day he's a bloke!. So the hell what?!!!!. This is an excuse on your part for his behaviour and a poor one at that!!.

Like the others have said you are not helping him at all. He needs to stand on his own two feet. He needs to move out asap and sort out his own debt. CAB and the CCSS (especially them) are good points of contact initially. As long as you keep bailing him out he will take advantage. You think your son actually respects you for what you're doing?. He's taking you for a fool big time.

batters · 08/02/2006 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytosteven · 08/02/2006 08:24

Agree with MU. I don't get any wind-up vibes from this. Hairclip - you really aren't doing your son any favours. How is he ever going to have a successful life and relationship if he can't learn to budget and look after himself? I do have a lot of sympathy for your partner.

dejags · 08/02/2006 08:26

I have been thinking about this and....

PARP

MeerkatsUnite · 08/02/2006 08:26

Hairclip

If you do not act now you are potentially looking at a similar situation to my BIL.

My BIL is 42 and still resides at his parents' house. I am not kidding here in case anyone asks otherwise.

His Mother and he have a very close relationship - she dotes on his every word. They go out together regularly, her husband does not go along with them. Her Husband has basically been sidelined and especially so in the last 2-3 years. My FIL does not like him living there but MIL will always defer to her son rather than her husband. He therefore puts up with it.

My DH remained unaffected by all this stifling primarily because he left home as soon as he could. Even he can see that their situation is not a healthy one.

Twiglett · 08/02/2006 08:26

if this is for real

then you really are killing your son's chances of ever being a decent adult by treating him like a child

cut your apron strings and let him be a man .. because at the moment he sounds like a snivelly horrific individual from what you've posted

your DP is spot on .. you are totally in the wrong

MeerkatsUnite · 08/02/2006 08:30

My BIL's only possession to his name is his car.

He does not have a girlfriend unsurprisingly and he will not change. His personality does not help him, he comes across as arrogant.

There is no reason for him to change. He's even stated to us that he will get their house one day!!.

edam · 08/02/2006 08:34

Hairclip, I think your partner's point is that you are acting as your son's servant, not his mother. He's 25 years old. He should be perfectly capable of packing and unpacking a bag and working the washing machine. And if he isn't, it's about time he learnt.

fairyjay · 08/02/2006 08:46

Hairclip
You need to show how much you love him, by making him go and get a life.

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