Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Expecting me to change my parenting 4 him

71 replies

Hairclip · 07/02/2006 23:26

I have a son who is 25, he is an only child and me and his dad split up 7 years ago, my son lives with me. He works full time but has goten himself in a lot of debt with credit cards, store cards and loans so cant afford to rent or buy a place of his own.

I have been with my current partner for 3 years and up until recently he has been fine with my son but now he's starting to try and tell me what to do with him and thinks I pamper him.

I do help him out with money, I pay one of his monthly credit card bills to take the pressure off him a little and I know he could be a bit better with money but my partner is infuriated because my son has just spend £350 on an xbox when my partner said he couldve put that money on his card but it seems lately he's getting at him for every little thing.

He moans because I pack his bag for him when he goes to see his friends on a weekend (he once phoned me whilst he was there to complain that I didnt put enough boxer shorts in his bag lol). He also thinks its stupid that wheh my son comes home on a sunday he gives me his bag to sort out (just take the clothes out, wash them and put them away etc) but surely whilst our kids still live with us most of us would still do things for them?? Its not exactly hard to sort a bag out.

We had a huge row a few months ago because my son had gone for a night out and phoned at 2am to ask me to go and pick him up, DP expected me to say no and leave him stuck in the town centre with no money .

The last row erupted because my son had come home from work at 5:30 and waited until 10pm (until I come home from work) for me to cook his tea and my dp reckoned my son had starved himself rather than cook himself.

Yes he can be a bit lazy but at the end of the day he's a bloke! how do I help him see that he is still my son, no matter how old he is?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 08/02/2006 08:48

Your thread title reads wrong too. It's not parenting, it's skivvying. Parenting is bringing up your children to be responsible adults.

Bugsy2 · 08/02/2006 10:29

This is one of the most depressing posts I have read in ages.
I expect a more responsible attitude from my children and they are 6 & 3. Isn't it important for you to know that your son can function in the world without you there to attend to his every need, as though he were still 2 years old?
I really hope this is a hoax post & not for real.

alexsmum · 08/02/2006 10:57

this isn't real! its a windup.
trip trap trip trap!

wannaBe1974 · 08/02/2006 13:41

If this is real all I can say is, your partner is spot on.

he has a full-time job and yet you are paying one of his credit card bills to help him out? Poor lamb, how ever is he expected to survive! He has all this debt which he of course couldn't help getting into, because all his money is taken up with ... well what exactly is it taken up with, bills? oh no wait you pay those, rent? oh no wait you pay that as well.. ah yeh there was that xbox, that must have purchase that just couldn't wait, of course, he couldn't help getting into debt.

What he needs is a swift kick up the arse. And I highly doubt he would ever find a wife - I don't know many women who would want to marry such a complete mummy's boy.

shimmy21 · 08/02/2006 13:46

Good joke! So come on hairclip - out yourself. Who are you really???

Flamesparrow · 08/02/2006 13:50

Wannabe - you get some very stupid women out there - who then sit and whinge that their partner never helps and expects them to do everything!

wannaBe1974 · 08/02/2006 13:59

Well yeh this is true I guess, but most self respecting women would think twice before getting involved with a guy who was still living at home at that age, and still so dependent on his mother. After all if you were looking at the situation, then you would know instantly how it was going to be if the two of you moved in together?

Original poster
Hairclip · 08/02/2006 19:26

Thank you for the replies, Im not a troll, I think some of you are over-reacting a little. As I've said I know I do too much for him but my question is why should my partner expect that to suddenly change just because he says so?

Its a depressing situation really, my son is in around £20,000 worth of debt and nothing I say seems to make him want to pull his socks up and stop wasting his money on silly things. I pay one of his cards so that he at least has something to look forward to when it comes to payday or else I fear he might just give up work.

I do have to get him up every morning, sometimes I have to go upstairs 3 or 4 times to wake him and he is often late for work but again, how would I help him by leaving him and letting his lose his job? His situation would just get worse.

He is currently depressed due to his relationship breaking up (she ended it due to him persistantly over-sleeping on her only day off and because he never had any money) but every girlfriend he's had before this has seem him as a joke and cheated on him.

As I said, he cant leave home as he has no money. I suppose it would be nice to have a perfect son but Im sure they dont exist. How do I find a happy medium, how do I keep them both happy??

OP posts:
motherfunkerhunkermunker · 08/02/2006 19:28

HC, you're not helping him. I know you feel like you are, but honestly, by bailing him out all the time, you're not giving him any reason to change.

kama · 08/02/2006 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 08/02/2006 19:36

of course its depressing .. you've got yourself stuck in a vicious cycle of being co-dependent in his patheticness... he doesn't feel any responsibility because you always bail him out which makes him feel needed.

I just bet he doesn't pay you market rate room and board does he

your DP is doing it for your benefit as well as your son's .. if you don't see it then you are on a self-destructive course

tribpot · 08/02/2006 19:39

Hairclip, the term you are looking for is ENABLER. By bending over backwards to 'help' your son, you are ultimately doing more harm than good, and potentially wrecking your relationship with your partner as well.

I am 100% in agreement with your partner. Your son is an adult, if I had phoned my mum at 2 in the morning when I was 25 and said "Mum, I've been out on the piss, come and fetch me" I know what her reaction would be. (Actually in fairness should I ever have done that, she probably would have done it - that once - but I would have been firmly and utterly roasted about it the next day and left it no doubt as to the seriousness of the trangression).

He clearly has no intention of sorting his debt out whilst you enable his lifestyle. He needs to deal with his depression and deal with his debt, and no-one can do that except him. Let him oversleep, let him lose his job. 350 quid on an x-box, this boy is taking the piss out of you.

For practical advice, I suggest the GP for his depression, and for debt, no better place than The Motley Fool's Dealing with Debt board . If you want to post there yourself you will find you are far, far from being alone in your situation.

Best of luck.

tribpot · 08/02/2006 19:42

Incidentally, re-read your sentence "Its a depressing situation really, my son is in around £20,000 worth of debt and nothing I say seems to make him want to pull his socks up and stop wasting his money on silly things. I pay one of his cards so that he at least has something to look forward to when it comes to payday or else I fear he might just give up work."

this way:

"Its a depressing situation really, my son is an alcoholic and nothing I say seems to make him want to pull his socks up and stop wasting his money on drink. I buy him six bottles of vodka so that he at least has something to look forward to or else I fear he might just give up"

expatinscotland · 08/02/2006 19:44

Hairclip
If I were your partner. Well, I wouldn't be your partner, b/c I think saying your son is 'a bit lazy' and 'he's a bloke' is the understatment of the century.

My husband became a father at 25. He was a stay at home dad who looked after our daughter, cooked and clean. W/o any help from his mother .

But back when I was single, I met men like your son - b/c yes, he's a man. And I ran a country mile in no time flat from 'blokes' like him.

skerriesmum · 08/02/2006 19:44

This reminds me of a TV program about helping grown children out with debt... I don't know if it's still on, this was at least two years ago. It was called SOS Mom and Dad or something like that... The financial expert comes in and makes a plan that helps the person with money while they live at home... Sounds like your son is a prime candidate for this!

colditz · 08/02/2006 19:45

It is not your responsability to keep his self esteem up. He is 25!!!!!! By the sound of it, his last girlfriend left him because he was treating her like crap. I think he learned this by treating you like crap.

Your partner has to sit back and watch another man treat the lady in his life like a slave.

How happy would you be if a 25 year old woman was taking your partners money to pay her bills, ringing him at 2am to pick her up because she drank all her money, he was doing her washing, making her lunch, packing her bag when she goes away etc and you had to live with her?

I imagine you wouldn't be happy to watch a physically and mentally capable adult woman treat your partner in this way, I imagine you would be even less happy to live with her so you had to witness this all the time.

By allowing your son to behave in this way towards you, you are forcing your partner to watch you being abused. What he is obecting to is not your manner of parenting. You don't have a style of parenting, your son is 25. You have a level of involvement in his life that is unhealthy for both you and your son.

He needs you to make him look after himself. I suspect your partner knows this, having been a 25 year old man himself once.

Clayhead · 08/02/2006 19:45

skerriesmum

Bank of Mum and Dad!!

skerriesmum · 08/02/2006 19:46

"Help" in the toughlove sense, that they work out realistic budgets etc.

skerriesmum · 08/02/2006 19:47

Exactly Clayhead! Is it still on? We don't get UK tv shows anymore.

Nightynight · 08/02/2006 20:03

hairclip
sorry you're getting a bit of a rough ride, but some of us have had experience of being married to men who expect the sort of support you're giving to your ds!
IMO, you can keep them both happy. But, Im talking about your sons long term happiness. You really need to stop supporting him, so that he can grow up.

I think your dp is right, he is giving you good advice, and you're lucky to have him there to support you through cutting the apron strings and helping your son to independance.

Im sure you want the best for your son - do you really want him to be the sort of man who gets stuck at 2am with no money and wakes his mother up to come and fetch him? Surely if you love him, you want him to be the best possible person, ie smart, careful and considerate of others? not to say resourceful?

your ds sounds a bit like my brother, and my parents go to ridiculous lengths to support him. I cant stand him. do you have any other children, and what do they think if so?

Caligula · 08/02/2006 20:04

Hairclip honestly, if you are not a troll, then fgs listen to your dp.

You are the kind of woman other women complain about when they marry their sons.

Sorry, but I'm half thinking you're not for real and half horrified that anyone could infantilise her son in that way. Did your mother run round after you and wake you up for work like a teenager when you were 25? What's in it for you? What are you getting out of being your son's doormat?

Nightynight · 08/02/2006 20:06

oh, sorry, I just read, he is an only child.

Nightynight · 08/02/2006 20:06

I find it believable Caligula, cos I have seen what my parents do for my brother

motherfunkerhunkermunker · 08/02/2006 20:08

HC, why do you want him to be so dependent on you?