Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I took DH back AGAIN and it's all going wrong- what should I do?

38 replies

nameswapped · 12/04/2012 09:07

To cut a very long story short DH is a recovering alcoholic and has been for past 10 yrs. He relapsed yet again last year and I finally admitted to myself that this time really was the end of our marriage. I threw him out and he continued to binge for the next 4 months. (is a high earning professional so luckily had the money to rent a very small flat). However he eventually decided he was going to clean himself up again , begged to come home , blah blah blah .... and I took him back again. This time I really didn't want to but I just wanted him back in the home for my DCs (15 &12). As they love him very much and have a very good relationship with him otherwise.
The thing is however , he's now been back 2 mths and although not drinking he is taking cocaine. I know the signs ( he has taken it recreationally over the yrs) although he is denying it. I also found some so he is most definitely lying.

How do I approach this? I've already made it quite clear that I don't want him to use drugs. He also agreed that he could only come back home on the understanding that he was to be completely alcohol and drug free and that this was our last chance to save our marriage. I'm not in a position to leave , so what can I do? I'm rambling terribly I'm sorry , but any advice would be really appreciated

OP posts:

TheLastNameLeft · 12/04/2012 09:19

Oh Dear

The facts are; you have already made it clear you dont want him using drugs, he has agreed he could come back on the understanding he was to be alcohol/drug free and he knows this is a last chance to save your marriage

Yet you have seen the evidence of drug taking and found some in your house.

To me (as reader) its giving a clear message that he doesnt want your marriage to be saved.

Thats just what I read from your op.

I think its time for him to leave again and definitely time for you to move on.

Original poster

nameswapped · 12/04/2012 09:24

Thank you thelastname for talking common sense , I really appreciate it

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 12/04/2012 09:28

I'm so sorry, but I agree with TheLastNameLeft.

Original poster

nameswapped · 12/04/2012 09:37

Getting him to leave is the problem ! He will be quite content to stay here forever. He wants us to get back to 'normal' but can't seem to understand that I can't trust him so things will never be 'normal'. We have just been living
alongside eachother since he came back. (we've not yet resumed marital activities IYKWIM thro lack of wanting to on my part).Hell this is a mess

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2012 09:44

Getting him to leave is the problem !

You were able to kick him out before. He was able to rent himself a flat before. You can both do the same again.

He wants to get back to 'normal', doesn't mean you have to fall into that game.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

pinkpyjamas · 12/04/2012 09:55

What a horrible situation he has put you in - it must be exhausting.

He is taking advantage of the fact that you want him around for the children's sake, yet he is actively putting them in harms way.

You say that they have a very good relationship with him, but he is not behaving like a loving parent.

I couldn't have anyone taking drugs around my children, and that would be the driving force for me re all this.

He needs to re-sign the lease to that flat, and let you get on with your life without worrying about him all the time.

Once he's been clean and sober for a proper length of time, then you can discuss his role in your life, and that of his children.

RabidAnchovy · 12/04/2012 10:13

Please get him out of your home ASAP

He is using you, and he will damage your children, drug users are not good parents

Lueji · 12/04/2012 10:17

Yes, you CAN get him to leave.

Worst case scenario, consult with a solicitor, which you probably will have to anyway.

If he wants to eventually return home, I'd insist on rehab and regular drug and alcohol tests.

Hattytown · 12/04/2012 10:49

The thing about addicts is that they replace one addiction with another, as you have found. This addiction is more serious because it is a) illegal and b) of greater risk to your children and c) more expensive.

So your husband's addictions have worsened, not improved.

You told him this was the 'last chance' and yet he is still lying to you and putting his addiction above you and the children. The only advice therefore is to separate permanently. If you give him yet another chance, he will interpret it as extreme weakness on your part and have contempt for you. If you also have feelings for him as a person, staying with an addict and enabling his behaviour is the very worst thing you can do for him.

Original poster

nameswapped · 12/04/2012 11:36

Thank you all so much for your advice - I know that what all of you are saying is absolutely right. Re getting him to leave : the last time I "kicked him out" was enforced by the police- he was obscenely drunk constantly for a few months. In the end I had to call the police as he was banging the front door in trying to get back in after I had locked him out. That did the trick and he then moved out. The thing is when he takes cocaine he is not the same person he is when drunk. Life at home ticks along - he goes to work , I'm sure the DCs arent even aware there is a problem. To outsiders he is a successful respectable man. He's not a monster and is actually a good person, but I'm living with a man I can't call a husband as there is no trust. We have been together for 25yrs but his addictions have completely wrecked our marriage. We don't even argue anymore - we just seem to put on a face of "normality" for the DCs. Part of me thinks i will just have to do this for the next few yrs until they leave home

OP posts:

Original poster

nameswapped · 12/04/2012 11:39

By the way he has already been in rehab re the alcohol ( that's a sore point as it cost our entire savings as it was private )

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 12/04/2012 11:42

your DC are old enough to continue a relationship with him while he lives elsewhere - they can go to and fro easily. so no reason to have him living with you at all.

no you dont have to put up til they leave home. d it now and mvoe on with your life

doctordwt · 12/04/2012 11:49

Right, pack his bags when he is out at work, have them delivered to a hotel if you can't get family or friends to temporarily take him in. Let him know where his stuff is over the phone and warn him that if he turns up and makes a scene, you will call the police again.

This will simply be a return to the previous status quo - you are not kicking him out, he came back to the family on conditions which he's immediately broken, so his last chance has come and gone.

The speed of this is astonishing - clearly his only motivation was to get himself back in the house so that he could carry on making use of home comforts whilst (as always) prioritising himself and his addictions.

Take this path for his sake too. Clearly, being ejected to a flat WASN'T enough of a wake-up call; presumably because at some level he knew that he could get around you to let him back in - which he did. So it's just been filed in his head as a little bit of drama, nothing major. Nothing fatal.

If you seriously would go for giving him another chance, ever, to get clean and make your marriage work - kick him out and this time MAKE IT REAL. No matter what he says or does, he is now solo, and tell him that if he can get sober/clean and STAY that way for AT LEAST a year, you will consider starting (slowly, carefully) a new relationship with him, that will involve living apart for some considerable time.

In other words, separate and live apart as a LIFE CHOICE, not a punishment for him. That won't work. Separate properly - get on with YOUR life, don't wait in limbo for him. If you meet someone else in the meantime, that'll be his loss. I would say that that would be the ONLY possible way he might wake up to what he has lost and have any chance of winning it back - if you're still single by then.

solidgoldbrass · 12/04/2012 11:52

Just throw him out: well, see a solicitor and apply for a court order to have him removed from the home and forbidden to return. Put yourself and DC first, let him sink or swim on his own.
Addicts and alcoholics stop using when they decide to do so, no amount of pleading, threatening or crying will have any effect on them until they are ready to quit, and some never quit until they die. There is nothing you can do to help him, so cut him loose and take care of yourself.

mummytime · 12/04/2012 12:05

I would also tell him either he gets out or you go to the police with the evidence of his cocaine use, it is a serious criminal offence. If you could find it, could your children possibly stumble across it, with devastating consequences. Never mind any effect it might have on his career.

junounderstated · 12/04/2012 12:14

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Addiction is hell to live with.
Have you thought about contacting AL-ANON www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ ?
The groups/individuals can be life changing in the way you deal with the havoc your husband has wrought on your family.
I really urge you to get some support.

Re the immediate, I agree that getting him to leave is the first step but totally understand it's not always that easy.

Original poster

nameswapped · 12/04/2012 12:16

He's almost lost his job before due to police involvement re his alcoholism so I have already been down that road. I'm just so angry with myself for taking him back. I just dont want to upset the DCs again as they think everything is fine now. I'm also aware that he may well hit the bottle again as a way of coming off the cocaine. It's just a continuous cycle , I can't believe I gave him another chance. During all of this he's acting like he wants things to work - just booked holiday abroad in the summer, decorating etc... but not actually doing the most important thing for this family - abstaining and staying clean... grrrrrr

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 12/04/2012 12:30

Poor you and your children.

I would sit the kids down and explain (once you decide to get him to leave again) what's happening as much as you can for their age. If you explain it right hopefully they won't react too badly.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2012 12:31

So what are you going to do?

PooPooInMyToes · 12/04/2012 12:33

Also meant to say that the addictions must be very hard to beat but it sounds like you've had enough, there is no reason for him to be living with the rest of you while he fights it. Its obviously too much for you and not something that is exactly great for the kids.

There is not much you can do except protect yourself and your kids and hope he gets to grips with it one day.

solidgoldbrass · 12/04/2012 12:34

Remember that anything bad which happens to this man as a consequence of his drinking and cocaine use is his fault, not yours. Explain to the DC that their father is ill, that he can't really help it but that because he is behaving like this, he can't live in the same house as them and you. They'll be aware that he is acting strangely, they will remember his violence from the last time.

doctordwt · 12/04/2012 16:22

But he is essentially taking you and your children for a ride. They WILL suffer from that in the future - more than they will suffer if you kick him out again. Do you know why? Because over time, he will regress more and more into being an addict. He will drop the cosy family man act more and more as the memory of the break-up fades. And eventually, your children will have the tale to tell of what a childhood with an addict for a parent was/is like. That's far worse than being in a family with separated parents.

You will just go back to how things were before.

You say you fear that he'll turn to the bottle again if you kick him out, but give him a year and he'll be a drunk again anyway, won't he?

So if you are thinking of the children and their future/present happiness, then yes, kick him back out.

Mumsyblouse · 12/04/2012 17:57

I don't want to be horrid, but it's very unlikely the children think everything's fine. They must have noticed when their dad was drunk for months on end, and when he got thrown out. They may be hoping everything is ok, as you were, but I think they will realise you are protecting them as well as yourself. I actually think you will be helping them by removing him til his addictions stop being so destructive.

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 18:04

I think you'd teach your sons a very valuable lesson for their own relationships - if you continue doing something awful then you will lose the person you love.

Your sons are old enough to visit him whenever they want. There'll be no need for contact orders or anything like that. I would have one rule though and that's that they get to and from their dad's by public transport or by taxi - I don't think he should drive them anywhere.

He has broken the contract that he agreed to. He's a businessman. He knows the consequences of that.

Proudnscary · 12/04/2012 18:26

What are the signs that he is using again? Obvious stuff like chewing, dilated pupils? Aggression? Staying out or staying up late? Acting furtively? Paranoia?

All these things your children will take in, even if by osmosis.

It will all add up for them sooner or later.

What did they say and feel about his alcohol use before?

Flip

1 2