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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I took DH back AGAIN and it's all going wrong- what should I do?

38 replies

nameswapped · 12/04/2012 09:07

To cut a very long story short DH is a recovering alcoholic and has been for past 10 yrs. He relapsed yet again last year and I finally admitted to myself that this time really was the end of our marriage. I threw him out and he continued to binge for the next 4 months. (is a high earning professional so luckily had the money to rent a very small flat). However he eventually decided he was going to clean himself up again , begged to come home , blah blah blah .... and I took him back again. This time I really didn't want to but I just wanted him back in the home for my DCs (15 &12). As they love him very much and have a very good relationship with him otherwise.
The thing is however , he's now been back 2 mths and although not drinking he is taking cocaine. I know the signs ( he has taken it recreationally over the yrs) although he is denying it. I also found some so he is most definitely lying.

How do I approach this? I've already made it quite clear that I don't want him to use drugs. He also agreed that he could only come back home on the understanding that he was to be completely alcohol and drug free and that this was our last chance to save our marriage. I'm not in a position to leave , so what can I do? I'm rambling terribly I'm sorry , but any advice would be really appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

nameswapped · 13/04/2012 08:27

Right - I got him to look me in the eye and I told him firmly that if I ever takes drugs again then I will get him out. I like your idea doctor of booking him in to a hotel whilst he's out at work.

Thank you all so much for making me see the clear light again - will keep you all posted x

OP posts:

Original poster

nameswapped · 13/04/2012 08:28

Should say " if HE ever takes drugs again"

OP posts:

IAmBooyhoo · 13/04/2012 08:37

"Right, pack his bags when he is out at work, have them delivered to a hotel if you can't get family or friends to temporarily take him in. Let him know where his stuff is over the phone and warn him that if he turns up and makes a scene, you will call the police again.

This will simply be a return to the previous status quo - you are not kicking him out, he came back to the family on conditions which he's immediately broken, so his last chance has come and gone."

i agree with this.

you set out conditions for his return to the family home. he agreed them. he has now broken the conditions. these are the specified consequences.

daffydowndilly · 13/04/2012 08:40

You say he is a recovering alcoholic, what actions has been been taking to support his recovery? He sounds more like an addict who is trying to control their addiction, than someone in recovery. Does he go to AA or NA? It is extremely rare for an addict/alcoholic to be able to "do it on their own". Do you go to Al-Anon? I would recommend it, there are lots of men and women there in exactly your position, and lots of support from their experience and strength. Some individuals choose to stay with their addict/alcoholic partner and others leave, but there is no pressure or advice given to you in this regard.

You have two choices in this, either learn to live with him and his addictions and detach from his illness while learning to really look after yourself (which is difficult and most people I know in that position have had professional help to do this), or tell him he crossed your boundary and end the relationship.

Addiction is a family disease and affects everyone living and in touch with the addict/alcoholic, including you and your own mental and physical health, let alone your children. They will be affected by his addiction too through his behaviour.

You also need to understand that the man you love is different to the addict you live with, you gave the man you live with a second chance and love him because you are a good person, the addict you invited into your home is not ready to recover and has cross addicted to cocaine. He may never get better, and that has nothing to do with you and how much you love him. You deserve better and can manage without him, if that is what you choose.

daffydowndilly · 13/04/2012 08:49

For what it is worth, I have a similar experience to yourself. My (newly separated) husband is an (functioning) alcoholic, cross addicted to lots of things. I am a SAHM, two very young children, rented house, no money.

And for the past (too many) years I have lived in a bubble of hope that allowed him to continue his addiction and associated behaviour. I totally lost myself and my self-respect/belief, had two breakdowns, ended up in treatment and got the advice from my psychiatrist to go to (a lot of) therapy, al anon, and coda (12 step) meetings.

9 months later I have just asked him to leave. I love him (or who he was/could be) and can't bring myself to hate him, but I can't live with him and his problems and he is still in denial. An adult-child. I have realised the trust has gone, there is so much history, and I and my children deserve more.

I gave him an boundary to stop and he lied to me. And I know that if I let him stay, my life would be over. I have met too many adult children of alcoholics not to realise the damage that living with an addict can do. And I deserve better. A lot better.

And it is terrifying. And liberating. I feel calmer than I have for many years.

solidgoldbrass · 13/04/2012 11:20

Well done, Daffydown. THings will get better. It's not impossible that your H will get sober and stay sober, but that's in his hands, no one else's. In the mean time, you and DC can move on with your lives without the terrible constant anxiety of: will he drink today? Is he drunk? Is he taking something? And will today be the day he flips out and gets violent or says something unforgivable to the DC (addicts invariably become aggressive at some point). You and the DC are free.

tribpot · 13/04/2012 14:12

I got him to look me in the eye and I told him firmly that if I ever takes drugs again then I will get him out.

But you also said he could only come back as long as he stayed clean. All you've really done, I'm afraid, is say that you will deliver ultimatums that you won't stick to. He needs to be out, this time. And I should stress that I am a recovering alcoholic with no experience of relapse (yet - and I hope, ever). So I don't judge him for what he has done but if he can't beat the addiction he must feel the consequences of it.

He should also, as daffy says, be on to his sponsor talking about his relapse. If he isn't prepared at least to provide evidence that he is genuinely trying to clean up you should be asking him to leave, as per your agreement. Hiding the problem is enabling it to continue.

Lueji · 13/04/2012 15:04

As tripbot said, you WILL have to follow through. Otherwise, he will just keep doing it.

It's called tough love.
You need to do it for his sake as well as yours and of your children.

daffydowndilly · 13/04/2012 15:16

SGB thank you . It has been a very long road to get here and a big part of it has been the straight talking you and Attilla gave me under another username (livinginazoo) back over towards a year ago. Even if it is hard to hear. He may sober up... but that is a long way away and I could never put myself through this again, once burned and all.

The calm of not having him come home every day is unbelievable, a heavy weight has been lifted! And the excitement that I can get on with my life. He will have to factor in somewhere as we have children, but I can hand his issues over and not take them on. It is stressful trying to work out how to sort things out financially, as I have no income, but I have some of my self-respect back!!

sandyboots · 13/04/2012 20:41

good luck daffy -you've had great advice on here but just wanted to add also that there's al-a teen for the kids, as it may help you all if they also have some support too

AThingInYourLife · 13/04/2012 20:48

Allowing a cocaine user to share a house with two teenagers is very irresponsible.

You found cocaine.

What have your sons found?

Get him out now.

Original poster

nameswapped · 13/04/2012 23:50

daffy well done for being so strong. I felt that sense of liberation you are feeling when he was gone for a few months. Stay strong and don't let him back for a very long time - if ever.

You are all absolutely right - i just haven't got the energy to throw him out just now. I'm ashamed to say that now I'm just waiting for him to really go on a massive binge ( which deep down I know will happen eventually in a few mths perhaps?) so that I can feel justified and blameless for throwing him out. I know that's a bit of a crazy way of looking at things , but that's where I am at the moment.

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 14/04/2012 12:13

This is a quote from an addiction counsellor:

'A bottle (or powder) is very easy to have a relationship with. Because they don't have demands. A bottle doesn't want anything from you.'

Real people have needs, and [addicts] don't want to engage with needs...

So please take a careful note of who he is CHOOSING to have a relationship with.

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