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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Its time...please let me stay strong

41 replies

Mum2Fergus · 11/04/2012 22:48

So Easter holiday cut short by 3 days...Ive known for a long time that it would be better for us to separate but held on for sake of DS who's nearly 3. P has a drink problem and despite having had a crap childhood with his alcoholic Mum he still wont stop/seek help for the sake of his own son. He is also in debt..he owes me nearly £15k and has resorted to payday loans now! I know the happy path for all 3 of us is for P and I to split, but it scares me so...any advice on moving on would be appreciated c

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 22:55

do it now, while DS is so young

the longer you wait, the harder it will be for him

and your P will drag you further down with him, you cannot help him

save yourself, and your darling son

AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 22:56

perhaps losing his family will be the rockbotom your P needs to get to, before he can start helping himself

foolonthehill · 11/04/2012 22:59

Sorry M2F you can't "save" him but you can save your son and you. maybe one day he'll step up and be a dad...but he's a way to go yet and you are doing the right thing.

No cunning advice I'm afraid...one foot in front of the other and ride those waves of emotions (predicting, sadnee, anger, loneliness, but also empowerment, freedom and love). You will come out the other side amd you will be happier, stronger and able to give your son the home he needs.

Original poster
Mum2Fergus · 11/04/2012 23:00

If I do this it means uprooting us both. I intend to move back near my family for some support, will need to get DS into a new nursery. Work should be ok as I can work from home. I know its absolutely for the best, but scares me nonetheless.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 23:02

it would be more scary to stay with someone who loves alcohol more than their family, and more than himself

NunWithADirtyHabbit · 11/04/2012 23:02

It is scary - but not as scary as staying with him. I wish you the best of luck x

Kaluki · 11/04/2012 23:04

All I can say is that I was you several years ago and getting out was the hardest and best thing I ever did. Once you are away from him you will look back and wonder why on earth you didn't do it sooner!
Grab your life back - you deserve it Smile

Seabright · 11/04/2012 23:10

Everyone is right, do it sooner rather than later.

You can't fix him. But if he fixes himself, there is no reason (hopefully) why you and he can't successfully co-parent in the future. But that's in his hands, not yours.

Original poster
Mum2Fergus · 11/04/2012 23:12

Im so annoyed with myself for feeling weak. Im usually so decisive, though apparently that was an issue too. I have a good job that pays well so pretty confident I can provide for DS. Perhaps its thought of being alone again ...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 23:15

You would be better alone, just you and Fergus

A lovely little unit, not being dragged down

foolonthehill · 11/04/2012 23:18

Not so scary to be alone.....scary to see someone you care about drinking himself into oblivion and ruining your little one's childhood. You've heard your DP's stories and now you have the strength to provide and alternative for your son....

you will manage, and he will be protected.

Kaluki · 11/04/2012 23:22

Also as the dd of an alcoholic I would say get out now before your ds is affected.
Sad

Groovee · 11/04/2012 23:23

I think I recognise you from our local board. If you need some impartial local support, feel free to pm me xx

lazarusb · 12/04/2012 10:40

Better to move on now before your ds starts school. You sound like you are in a relatively solid position financially (with the exception of the 15k your p owes you!). Your priority needs to be securing a positive future for you and your ds. Have you started looking at places to rent near your family or what benefits you could get in order to support you both?

crazynell · 12/04/2012 11:57

I was married to an alcoholic - all charm and a "big man" in the pub. It could have destroyed me but i didn't let it - i knew that somehow i'd got to stay strong and have a better life. I'm an intelligent woman i had a good job as a manager - how could i have let myself get in with an alcoholic? I didn't see it i just thought he liked a drink. I led 2 lives - continually trying to keep things quiet, not let on to people how bad things were.

I got out, it was hard but i've come through it and out the other end - stronger happier calmer

You can do it - for your sake and your ds. it can only get better than what you have now

Good luck, stay strong

janelikesjam · 12/04/2012 13:00

He owes you £15,000? That would piss me off big-time, even before anything else.

janelikesjam · 12/04/2012 13:01

Look at it this way, for £15,000 you could have had a lovely live-in au pair for 3 years. I can't see how being on your own without this guy (I hesitate to call a man) could be worse than all this.

Collision · 12/04/2012 13:04

and I am sure your family will help you with ds while you find him a new nursery.

Tis good that you can support yourself and your ds as it will make it easier.

Just do it as you know you will have to do it one day so it's much easier now while your ds is so young.

You will get loads of good advice here so keep posting.

Smum99 · 12/04/2012 13:12

Rationally you know the decision needs to be made - list the reasons why you feel scared. Sometimes just saying your fears out aloud will help.

For your son you need to make a decision to leave, no child can have a happy childhood with an alcoholic in the house. If you believe that, it will motivate you to act in your son's best interests and start the separation process.

3 is a good age, he will settle well in a new nursery

chocoraisin · 12/04/2012 13:23

I've just moved to a new county, settled my DS into a new nursery and separated from his dad. It's been hard, of course. But DS is doing fine - he is loving his new nursery and with the support of my family, I'm doing ok. Don't be scared. It's not always better the devil you know. I honestly can say it's not as bad as you think it will be - but staying in a crap relationship is. My DS is 21months now, we moved when he was 17mo. I'm also pregnant... and coping just fine :) you will too. Be brave, if it's the right thing to do you know deep down.

TrophyEyes · 12/04/2012 13:58

Do it sooner, rather than later. I learnt the hard way you can't save someone else from an addiction.

You can do this; it may seem hard to start with, but you can do this. It's not unusual to feel weak. But think about the possibilities you open yourself up for by leaving him, and the limitations if you stay. You can do this. If not for you, do it for your DS.

We're all behind you.

Original poster
Mum2Fergus · 12/04/2012 14:34

Thanks all, really appreciate your thoughts/comments. Ive spent the morning looking at a couple of houses. Will head back over on Monday again, that will give me a chance to check out the nurseries and primary.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 12/04/2012 14:59

Good. You come across as quite strong M2F. Look on this as the beginning of a new phase of your life, not the end of an old one.

lazarusb · 12/04/2012 14:59

Well done Chocoraisin too Smile

Original poster
Mum2Fergus · 12/04/2012 16:38

Been looking at finances, fortunately I kept them separate. Will be tight bit manageable. How much should I expect/ask him to contribute? Certainly half of childcare, but what about general expenses...nappies, food, etc?

OP posts: