Its time...please let me stay strong

[Mum2Fergus]

So Easter holiday cut short by 3 days...Ive known for a long time that it would be better for us to separate but held on for sake of DS who's nearly 3. P has a drink problem and despite having had a crap childhood with his alcoholic Mum he still wont stop/seek help for the sake of his own son. He is also in debt..he owes me nearly £15k and has resorted to payday loans now! I know the happy path for all 3 of us is for P and I to split, but it scares me so...any advice on moving on would be appreciated c

Hi,

Couldn't read and run, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take the very good advice given on here. This was me 8 years ago and my god it was the best decision I have ever made on behalf of my son!

Life as a single parent is a dream compared to the life of a "partner / son of an alcoholic"

Sorry don't have time to post any practical advice as taking my son scuba diving now, but please feel free to PM me if you need a friend. BTW my son would not be doing any sort of activities if we were still with my XP as wouldn't of had the money.....sorry meant he would of spent the money on beer!

thanks Lazarusb :)

Mum2Fergus, FWIW here's my general thoughts on asking him to help out re: money... may help, may not! The CSA will take 15percent of the NRPs (non resident parents) net (take home) pay for one child. That's a good starting point, if you know what he earns. Less than that is realistically not enough, more than that is something you may be able to negotiate between yourselves, but you may not be able to make him give you any more.

My ex is willing to help towards some one off costs (new double buggy for example) which will be used by us both. I guess the ease of these conversations partly depends how you handle the actual leaving bit... try to be as amicable as you possibly can be, and save finance conversations for a few weeks at least if you can so that emotions have a chance to settle down.

Good luck, I really hope things go smoothly for you all x

M2F - I am in the same situation - married to an alcoholic and I have also had enough. I am not quite brave enough yet to end it but have seen a solicitor & the CAB and am gearing up for it! Choco is right - 15% for 1 dc, 20% for 2 and 25% for 3.
Good good good luck, will be willing you on!!

15% of his take home pay won't cover half of nursery fees...hmm, I feel a spreadsheet coming on! So asked tonight when he plans on moving out...he doesnt want to commit to anything until he knows where Im settled as he wants somewhere that will allow him plenty of time with DS. I on the otherhand would see him off tonight. I fear it dragging out and me starting another post months down the line where nothing has changed. I dont want to commit to somewhere until Ive settled nursery etc ...

On a different note, is it worthwhile fir me to draw up a letter for him to sign to confirm what he owes me and commit to some sort of repayment plan? Have no doubt he would not be able to stick to it, but would it be useful if I have to get legal support to get it back?

Hi fellow spreadsheet addict! It all seems so overwhelming before you get started, doesn't it, but once you've got going, it's just one step at a time after all, as I think you are discovering :)

I would consult a sol re the money owed, if I were you.

don't forget that you will get working tax credits, all the child benefit and child tax credits in your own name now. Those payments will probably go up a LOT on a single income, so you won't necessarily need to pay all the nursery fees yourself.

No idea if it's worth him saying what he owes you - I think it won't mean anything legally even if he does sign it. You're better off collecting statements etc that have the dates of your payments to him, and records of any payments made back to you - not quite as simple I know, but more likely to hold some weight?

Can you ring or visit the CAB? They can give you free advice re:the debt and benefits. You can also find a local solicitor who would give you an hour or half hour free...take a list of questions so you make the most of your time!

Nursery charges might be less if you move somewhere else too...I wouldn't be relying on him to do anything useful or productive for you to be honest, he's already making excuses about moving out.

So today has been a good day...between Council Tax and nursery bring cheaper I will be approx £150pm better off. Rough calculation on entitledto.com suggests I may be entitled to £36 pw CTC too! On the downside, neither of the 2 nearest nurseries have space for DS :( will visit them Mon regardless and enquire about waiting list. Also waiting for call back re mortgage being approved in principle.

I am very impressed by all the concrete steps you're taking. Go you!

The new school year isn't that far off and I think a lot of nurseries have a natural 'drop off' in the summer holidays too, so don't give up hope on those yet. Tell them that you've had a sudden move because of work, maybe they can help you.

You are doing really well, very pro-active Well done!

Had to postpone AIP...car broke down :( had same issue before so looking at a £300ish bill, oh and tax, MOT and service due this month too!! Had to relent and ask P for a lift from the garage lol

So, its been a while...exP finally out of the house and its just my DS and I. Still cant sum up quite how I feel about it all, relieved, scared, switch from one to the other at the drop of a hat! Spending tomorrow getting my finances in order, setting a new solo budget and look to cur back/make savings everywhere I can :o/

Its normal to have mixed feelings, just don't let him back in because you feel lost briefly, lonely or he seems to have 'improved".

Congratulations!

Thanks...I think thats going to be key, to give myself sufficient time to truly see the benefits of having him out of our lives.

i'm pleased you've done it!! Well done - your new life starts now - it will be hard but at least you have your life back - things can only get better now for you and DS :)