He's had an affair, how do we move on?

[Howdoyoucope]

Found out two weeks ago that my dh has been having an affair for the last five years on and off. He says he wants to stay with me, that he loves me and the kids, that it wasn't because of he wasn't happy etc. I want us to stay together too, I love him. But... I'm struggling to move on, seems like there's a different emotion every hour, I am so bloody sad. Feel so let down because we've had a year of termoil, he gave up his career because he was depressed, we downsized massively and I am now working full time to make ends meet and I supported him all through this change.
Can anyone who's managed to stay together after an affair give me any tips/hope for getting through this.

i'm sorry to hear of this OP, it must be very hard

is he still seeing her?

So sorry :(

5 years

I would say that he needs to 'own' hos actions and do anything you ask of him to rebuild your trust. No more contact with ow at all . Give you access to emails, phone, credit card bills etc.

You could consider counselling. You both need to go to an sti clinic.

He has to let you make decisions, and realise that even if you try to make a go of it, you are free to decide you can't trust or cope with the betrayal and that it is your right to end it.

Take care of yourself.

You must be reeling, so sorry you are going through this

I second the other advise to get to an STI clinic even if he said they used condoms.

What is he going to do to make sure he doesn't have another affair or go back to this woman?

Take your time. Look after yourself and your DC. Try to eat. Do what you want, what is right for you and your DC without thinking about him. If he fits into your plans all is well and good, if he doesn't that is his tough shit.

You are much braver than me to be trying to make a go of it.

/hugs

So he's had a secret long-term relationship for half a decade whilst married to you, and now you've found out you just have to "get over it"?

You barely know this guy. He is clearly capable of living a double life and has no compunction about lying to you.

What is he doing to repair the marriage he made a laughing stock of?

He agreed to stop seeing her and that there would be no more contact of any kind. He leaves his phone open for checking but it would be easy for him to go behind my back again. Got to find the trust.

Well you wont find it any time yet. I learned about 5 years net based OW (lots) in November.

First of all, buy the Shirley Glass book, and read every page:

www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334168609&sr=1-1

It is too soon for you to know what to do next, so make no promises.

How does he explain himself?

Might also also be worth counselling, to help you to decide.

Look at the thread with the comments by Mrsorry on it- do an advanced search here.

I can beat that length of time, unfortunately.

I don't think you can get past it. Your life for the last five years has been different to what you thought it was. His clearly has. You will start to think and to remember odd little things and it will drive you crazy.

He is dreadful for making you all downsize etc - no wonder he was depressed, living a double life.

I think you have a choice - to stay together and to be unable to look at him, to be reminded again and again and again of what he's done and then finally, when you've had enough and want to split, for it to be seen as your fault, or to get out now. I got out and haven't regretted it.

You have something to comfort yourself with - if he thought the other woman was so great, he wouldn't have been depressed and he would have left.

OP, how did you find out? Did he try to deny it?

Oh and sorry for the questions - what was the woman's reaction to being found out? Did she want to be with him?

Tbh, I might get past a one night stand or a brief affair if oh had been working away for months, but not a 5 year one. Once

That requires a serious amount of lying. No wonder you can't easily get past it.

Don't feel you need to stay because of his depression.
Assuming it is depression.

He deceived you for five years! I don't think I could move on from that. Too big.

why did he do it OP? has he offered an excuse explanation?

For me it's ten years on and it still catches me off guard. And that's not having to look at the bugger all the time.

How did you come to find out about his long-term affair? Do you know the ow? Does he work with her, is she married too?

It's not what you want to hear but the only way you'll be able to move on is for him to leave the marital home in order that you can have the time and the space to process the sheer volume of lies and deceit that he's perpetrated over a period of at least the last 5 years.

Being required to live separately will force him to confront the reality of what he's done to you and to your marriage and you will be better placed to judge from his actions, rather than his words, whether he is truly repentent or is merely paying lipservice to staying with you until the next ow hoves into view.

It could be that you'll come to a realisation that this man isn't worthy of your love and that you are much happier living alone with your dc, but that is the risk he took when he chose to embark on an adulterous affair.

In any event, your first priority is yourself and your dc and his needs and wants come a very poor third to your welfare and wellbeing.

1.5 yrs here, not as long before I found out and confronted him, but I am sure the issues are similar. I've known for eight months now and we are still together. And yes it is still very hard some days and I do still cry about it from time to time. I think there's got to be something there that you both really want to save, and you've got to be kind to yourself, don't expect to get over it next week. He has to understand how his behaviour has affected you. I find talking about it when I need to really helps and him answering questions I come up with about the affair, yes I'm still coming up with them...

But the trust thing is huge and I can't really give you an answer, I suspect things are generally getting easier over time as he earns my trust again.

Wishing you lots of luck.

Don't try to move on with him, move on without him.

Five years? And got you to sacrifice huge amounts for his sake WHILE he was playing away? Too depressed to work, but not too depressed to maintain an entire bloody double life of deceit?

Not a chance in hell I'm afraid.

After a betrayal that big, I don't think you can. A one off thing is bad, but something that could maybe be worked through. A five year affair? For me that would be it, no going back. If he is capable of lying and deceit to that extent, it tells you that he is utterly untrustworthy and has zero respect for you, or his marriage.

It's the fact that he packed in his job, made his family downsize, expected your unquestioning and unconditional support while lying to you every single day that makes it understandable you are struggling to forgive him.
This sounds like a man who is always going to put himself first, no matter what. And that's a man you are better off without.

Chuck him out or leave him! Bloke's a twunt!

Good luck!

Hi OP
I am in the same boat as you, just further down the line and my husband's affair wasn't as long. Like you we want to work things to work out. We are 9 months on from discovery day, we are not 'there' yet but things are much better. And there is a different sort resilience beginning to grow in our marriage.

This is my advice, you'll come across many 'dish him' comments on here but only you know your husband and your relationship. Two weeks is very early, you're still in shock, don't make any (rash) decisions at this point. Try to sleep and eat when you can, tell a few RL friends (I found this hard at first due to embarrassment), have fun with the kids (our children are still oblivious to my husband's affair) and I know it's a cliche but take one day at a time.

It takes time, we planned things together (going to concerts, Xmas), he started counselling, we don't go back over the details every day, I don't sling snide comments, we don't discuss things in front of the kids, he is repairing his mistakes, we are building apathy towards the OW (anger isn't healthy) etc. I'm not big on self-help books - so haven't used them.

I still have bad days when I fall to my knees in crippling emotional pain, but these are becoming less and less. He has days overwhelmed by sheer guilt. And I sometimes think/say to my friends - show me a perfect marriage - you can't because there isn't one.

To be honest the trust isn't completely back - it's getting there.

Thanks for all your messages.
To answer some questions the ow is someone he used to work with. I saw her on occasion due to supporting dh at work so the feeling of wanting to do her serious harm pops up most days.
I found out because of an email she sent him that was on the i pad when I picked it up, then I checked his phone a few days later and there were texts that madeit pretty obvious something was going on. I confronted him with it and he confessed.
According to a friend that works with the ow her marriage was over a long time ago and now they are living separately.

She sent a text and a email a couple of days after he texted her telling her it was over, they seemed to be goading him into further response so I think she probably liked him a lot.
He says that it was pure escapism, like stepping into another world (she doesn't have kids at home), he says they rarely had more than an hour together, doesn't sound like she got a very good deal out it.
We had a long talk last night, he says that he always told her there was no chance of him leaving me. Spent most of our 'chat' making him understand how much damage he's done, and how it feels like a personal attack on me. Think counselling would be a good idea.
Thanks again for your support, it good to know theres some others trying to keep their marriage working and also good to have some others giving me a bit of grrrrr.

It's really worth you stopping for a moment and asking yourself why you want to stay with him?

This affair could have gone on for another 5 years if you hadn't found out. Of course you're angry with the OW and you have every right to be, but your husband is an absolute shit if he ended a 5 year relationship by text. In fact that's so skanky and incredible that I would wonder whether it was just a text to satisfy you and not the real message he is giving to the OW.

The deception was so intricate that over 5 years your husband became that person. It will take years for him to become a very different person again and would take substantial individual therapy and personal effort on his part.

You don't have to stay in this marriage.

Really challenge the dialogue in your head that you must. If you've got children, don't think it's better for them to stay in a marriage with someone with these character flaws because it's not. If anything, they are more likely to learn that cheating and lying to people is acceptable, because what your husband has been doing cannot be divorced from his overall character and ways of surviving in the world. Someone who has carried out a long term deception like this is never going to be someone who is honest and transparent in his dealings with other people and situations in his life, which is what I mean by this being about his whole persona.

Well I agree with Hatty that this 'cannot be divorced from his overall character and ways of surviving in the world.'

My h has had to confront a lot of stuff about his lack of openness, trust of others, work related issues, real (as opposed to stated) attitude to women and god knows what else.

The affair is one thing to work through. The personality behind it is a second, and more fundamental, one.

I agree with shithappens x1000

Only you know your relationship and if he is really sorry.. Only he knows what their thing meant to him. I think it's obviously very poor opportunistic bad behaviour. It doesn't mean he's a bad person. Just very very stupid and very selfish.

I love you xxx