Going to get a flaming, i know its my fault..........

[abitbuggered]

Ok, may be long.

Currently live in my Dps house with my SN 5 year old, 11 year old ss and i am 8 months pregnant.

I have had the most hideous pregnancy, i've been ill from day one, have SPD pretty badly and am stressed and scared beyond belief that this baby will be born with problems the way my dd was.

Anyway, DP doing the bedroom up so new baby and dd can share. As usual, he wants to do it as cheap as possible, so a wall that needs plastering hasnt been, he hasnt treated the damp patch and he has refused to line the walls. Basically its going to look crap and probably need doing again.

We had words on Saturday about this. Im very hormonal, dd was early and absolutely nothing is done for this baby yet. Apart from "doing the room" dp has not done a thing, and seems to think i will be single handedly paying for the buggy and all the bedroom furniture (dd needs a bed, we havent a wardrobe etc so with buggy going to be in the region of £1000)

I had a bit of a sulk, and refused to make him a cup of tea, but i thought it had all passed over. Certainly he ate his dinner etc and was perfectly happy.

About 9pm i asked him to get me a drink, the reason being i was on the settee, knackered and my pelvis had locked up due to SPD (it does this a lot and its a painful long job to get up) . He refused, stating "maybe i'll do it later, maybe i'll look out the window and sulk instead". He then sat there smirking as it took me almost five minutes to get up to do it. Then he went to bed.

I was pretty angry, as clearly he had sat for 7 hours and waited for a chance to even things up, had watched me cook the dinner etc, all the time waiting to "give me a taste of my own medicine"

I went upstairs and started to have a go at him as to why he had felt the need to be clever over the drink, and he did his usual habit of pretending to sleep through what i said, or saying "really? How interesting, you're so right" in an utterly patronising tone, which is what he does all the time.

He knows how angry that makes me, and i have to admit after 20mins of this i snapped, and whacked him one (slapped him on the back i think) He just started laughing at me, and hanging onto me while i tried to get him off me. He actually hurt me more i think than i did him. I accept i was totally wrong and out of order, but i just snapped at him, i feel like im shouldering it all, and i cant even have a discussion over something without him smirking. Its like he sits there and winds me up and watches me go.

Anyway, fair enough he wasnt speaking to me yesterday. I apologised and admitted i had over reacted. During the conversation he continually referred to me as a "mongol" and "retarded". I accepted i shouldnt have hit him, but that maybe he needed to look at how he behaves during rows, and that he knows that sitting saying "oh yes you are so right" or just completely ignoring me just frustrates me, and perhaps it would be better if he tried to listen and answer when a row was starting.

This ended up with him yelling at me that he want taking any blame for anything.

He has now for the last two days taken to coming into the bedroom to go to bed after me, and turning the main light on whether i am asleep or not, if im watching the tv he just turns it over, turns the volume up and turns the main light on. Of a morning he is getting up before me, turning the tv on in the room loudly, opening windows and opening curtains, even though he knows i am asleep due to not sleeping well at night due to SPD pain.

Ive tried to talk to him today, and asked what he actually wants (ie does he want me to leave) but he kept standing there saying "do want you want arse"

I dont really know what to do. I have tenants in my house, which i dont own fully on my own (different story) so they would need notice, i have a baby imminently due, and am about to start maternity leave, but im self employed anyway so not exactly a hard hitter. I lent DP my 7k savings a year ago for something, so i have no reserves of cash, and i dont think he will pay it back (i think he has money hidden in the house and could repay it)

I dont really know where to go from here. I totally accept i should not have lashed out, and it was not acceptable, and it was my fault with no excuse. I should have controlled my temper, but i cant do more than i have, and i cant see how i can stay here with him basically walking round doing spiteful things to me, because as he says "i need a taste of my own medicine". Im not spiteful to him, i just snapped. I feel like i do it all here, and every attempt to address anything is met with his constant patronising attitude.

At the moment im sat here just thinking what do i do??

Good idea Dinah - OP should be a priority, being abused and pregnant.

Becuase YOU ARE BEING ABUSED,OP, regardless of your slapping him. Just the foul names he calls you is abusive.

I'm sorry but it's not as easy a turning up at the council and saying help I'm fleeing abuse. Everyone would be doing it who were in expensive lets etc.

In the case of physical abuse, they would expect proof from the police etc, proof you can't return home.

With all other forms of abuse again they'd expect reports from say a hostel. The fact she had a house to go to of her own away from him. Even if it is akward giving friends notice. She'd be expected to do so and not be offered permanent housing.

I would be asking for the money back via a solicitor. She'll get nowhere asking for it back herself.

I would be searching that house for money, too. If I found it, I'd knock it off the £7000.

I can completely understand how and why she lashed out - I think he was wanting that to happen. Realistically, without a weapon, is it likely that a woman with SPD who is about to give birth could hurt him? He knew she couldn't - he knew he could physically hurt her in retaliation. He thrives on her being driven crazy by him.

OP, is there ANYONE you could stay with for a month whilst you give your tenants notice? Are there any holiday home lets? Could you contact a landlord via an estate agent's and ask if they have anything just for one month? What about bed and breakfast? You wouldn't have to take your furniture - you could leave it in storage.

I really feel you should get out of this situation - you may have hit him but I think you are the one in danger here.

That is a nightmare partner and curiously similar to my ex.

I can only see it getting worse.

At worst you could say that you left because you didn't want to hit him again.

Check with a solicitor how you can proceed, but even if you move with family it seems that you'll be better off.

Thanks everyone, battery went flat on laptop.

I dont know what im going to do. I dont know where the money is, he may have moved it to his work, but there are lots of places here to put it (big old house) I will try to find it, just so i know where it is if nothing else.

He has come home over 2 hours late tonight with not a word to me. One of his children has been trying to get him, and i told him xxxx was looking for him, but he refused to say a word in response to me.

Im currently up in the bedroom, i figure space is the best thing right now.

I dont have anywhere else to stay, i have dd, the dog and all our stuff. Im also not going until i get some bloody money back!

Im not frightened, i certainly dont think he'll be violent, but i cannot stand this silence (he does this, again, known to be something i cant bear). However, i find it odd that he seems to calm down (i got him talking ok yesterday) then suddenly just works himself up over it all of a sudden, almost like he forgets to have the hump then remembers.

We lived at my house before coming here. Although he had a house, he had no stuff (divorce and house rented out). Therefore 99% of the stuff here is mine, so im not going to struggle that way. I think he has a coffee table and dinner table. Settee, pots, pans, beds, etc etc all mine.

If push comes to shove, i will go back to my house eventually, but i am not going from here until i can get my stuff with me.

One of his accusations was that i am always on "the take". i've given that a good bit of thought, and considering i have furnished this house, lent him money, pay for all the food here, and give him a 50% cut of the tax credits (even though some of this is made up of my dds disability element so technically mine) plus pay for my dd i dont think that he does too badly out of me. I also buy most of the things we need here. He on the other hand, has not even given me so much as a tenner to buy something for the baby.

Anyway, i'll see what tonight brings.

Was also nice, just me and DD, no having to cook dinner for everyone and listening to SS and his shouting and yelling.

Took me back to when i was a single parent with DD. I did it then, alone, with all her problems and operations, so i know i can do it again.

I'd just bloody prefer not to.

I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation. I've read the thread and just wanted to say, leave as soon as you can. Just do what you need to do right now to get yourself and your DD living separately from him.

You will instantly feel better. You don't have to make any decisions or plans for the future yet, you don't need to say anything to him about anything except that you need to do this for your mental and physical health and you will speak to him when you are feeling better and more yourself.

You don't need to give him a reason or explanation other than you are in a crisis situation and are taking emergency measures to ensure your health is saved. You can say that your slapping him was what made you realise and decide that you need to leave.

You can telephone Women's Aid for help on how to leave if you are worried at all. I am sending you luck and strength and sleep :)

I definitely second calling Women's Aid, but personally I wouldn't leave the house - considering that you furnished it, it's your DD's primary home, and you'rfe heavily pregnant.

Not forgetting that the £7k you lent him is stashed somewhere in it!

Ask him to leave. If he's like this now, what kind of support are you expecting to get from him when you have a newborn and the added emotional stress that they bring??

Im not going anywhere at the moment.

My whole life has been ruled by knee jerk reactions, and i have two children to think of. I need to plan if i have to do it.

He wont leave, i wouldnt even ask. Its his house and his ss lives here ft as well. Me and dd are the ones who would have to go, but im not going until i have to.

I have to say that our relationship is not bad, we have a good relationship most of the time, then something happens (generally i end up having a rant over something here) and then he goes off into his sulk for days on end. To me, its general couples rowing, which should be done and dusted, but he wants to "make you pay" almost. I dont always see where his reaction has come from or why i've got that reaction, but i do know i am quite a fiery tempered person, so i probably sound equally as bad to him.

I don't know. I don't know if he'll come to bed, and when he isnt talking to me then ss out of loyalty gives me the cold shoulder which makes it really uncomfortable for me, but i feel if i go for a day or two (id have to go to Travel lodge) then i would not get back in here. My best bet is to be here of an evening so he cant lock me out or something. Also, i feel he would like me to be pushed to have to run off for a few days.

He says you're on the take? You're pregnant with his baby and by the sounds of it pay for most things. It sounds the other way around to me!

And using his son in his arguments! He sounds dysfunctional in so many ways!

recruiting a child in his attempts to cow you is another level of pox

yuk

this is damaging the children...why would you stay ?

I would definately make every effort to find the stashed cash. Once you've got it then leave. There's nothing good here. I would suggest looking under the floor boards - any area where the floor is already exposed like inside an airing cupboard. Have you any friends or relatives who can help you move everything out? He won't be vile with other people there - men like this are usually cowardly once somebody shows up that they can't bully or manipulate.

Ok, stayed out of the way last night. Literally did not go near him.

He clearly does not want space, he wants to rile me, so about 10.30 he let the dogs in the garden (our bedroom overlooks the garden) and let them bark for 40 minutes until i got up and let them in. I did not say a word.

Then he came to bed about midnight, id been dozing on and off, so instead of putting the light on, he came in, left the bedroom door open and got into bed. The hallway light is left on for dd, so if our door is open its a bit dazzling in here and not possible to sleep.

I asked him if he was going to shut the door, to which he replied "no i dont think i can be bothered" He then watched as i rolled out of bed in pain and went and shut it.

Im afraid this was too much, and i had a go at him. He rehashed how i had attacked him and how i wasnt taking the blame enough and was generally unpleasant.

I told him that, yes, i had hit him, yes he had to restrain me and yes i was wrong, but that ignoring your pregnant fiancee for four days, and being spiteful in an attempt to keep them awake was probably far worse, and he needed to decide if he was going to leave it, or continue, to which he replied "i'll continue"

I then asked him (by ask i mean yelled) that when i went into labour early because of the stress of the way he is being, would he feel like he had achieved his aim and id learned my lesson sufficently. He accused me of using emotional blackmail, which possibly it is, but im 33 weeks (i think thats 8 months?) and i had dd at 34 weeks in horrible circumstances, and the drs are quite concerned its going to happen again. This is not helping.

Anyway, the row continued, then having achieved his aim, he simply rolled over and went to sleep, leaving me awake, angry and upset for most of the night again.

At least this morning he didnt turn the telly on or open the windows, so maybe some of it hit home.

I dont really know what to do know. I know people are pushing me to leave this second, but i really have no where until i can get the tenants out, i am due to have a baby very soon, and i have my dd and her needs. Its not as simple as just going right now.

At the moment, having googled this, im going to continue to be polite, ask him if he will be having dinner etc, and other than that i will just have to leave him alone. I know he wants me to beg forgiveness, but i can only apologise so much, and there does come a point where you wonder if what you did really justifies what he is doing?

NOTHING justifies what he is doing.

At the very least, serve your tenants notice. I think you have to give two months so by then you should be better able to make a move, if you really feel you can't leave now.

No, nothing justifies what he is doing

Please stop letting yourself get riled by him. Never hit him again. Don't apologise again, he doesn't want to accept it, he wants to continue to torture you

Serve your tenants notice today what are you waiting for exactly ? Are you thinking you need this abusive man's help when you have the baby ? I expect he will walk away saying "no I don't feel like it" when you are desperate for a pair of hands. Why give him the satisfaction ? If I were a friend of yours, I would move into your house with you for a few days to help out and keep him the fuck away.

Start putting the wheels in motion and detach from him completely in the meantime.

Stop arguing and "giving it to him". That is what he wants you to do, and you are being silly to fall for it. Ignore him entirely and bide your time.

"we have a good relationship most of the time, then something happens (generally i end up having a rant over something here) and then he goes off into his sulk for days on end"

that is not a good relationship
it is a bad relationship

everything you recount is bad and nasty on his part - and yes winds you up too which means for sake of your dc you need to leave

(and you dont need to spend 1000 on bedroom furniture - get a foldable clothes rail from argos you can take wih you (£30), plastic drawer unit (£20) for clothes and stuff and a bed from freecycle. buggy from freecycle or ebay or cheapest one suitable from birth from kiddicare.co.uk like
www.kiddicare.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/productdisplay0_10751_-1_111447_10001
o www.kiddicare.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/productdisplayA_74_10751_-1_14602_126304_10001_14051 £149.99

Yes it sounds perfectly torturous OP.
My suggestion is that you do some reading up on emotional abuse and domestic abuse in general...just so you can arm yourself with knowledge.

What he is doing is wrong. You know it's wrong. He keeps you at bay by making you feel responsible for his terrible behaviour. Please stop referring to when you hit him. Other people here will chastise you for that, but I understand what it is to be made distressed to the point of lashing out too. To cause a non violent person to hit out takes some doing. Your outrage at his treatment of you is justified ok?

So yeah - do some reading up. Read the Lundy Bancroft book and google signs of emotional abuse. Take it from there. xxx

I agree with everyone. You need to get out of there as soon as possible. I've been in a very similar position to you and wonder if you are doing what I did, many times, which is be on your best behaviour, try your best to please him and win him round in hope things will get back to 'normal', so you don't have to leave.

Things probably will get back to 'normal'. He will come home from work one day with a smile on his face, speaking to you like nothing ever happened. You will breathe a huge sigh of relief and literally feel the weight lift from your shoulders. For a while you will be happy again. It will happen again though, as sure as eggs is eggs, is will happen again. And it will get worse.

I also agree that this isn't a good relationship. It's an abusive relationship in which abusive behaviour has been normalised. What's probably happened is that he has stepped it up a gear, you are experiencing something new which is unnerving you. This relationship will wear you down, you won't win him round, you won't get him to understand or recognise what he is doing, so don't waste your energy. Put all your energies in making a plan to get out of there. I second giving your tenants notice today. They can find somewhere else to live with much less disruption than you staying in an abusive relationship.

I hope and pray you listen to the advice being given to you and act upon it.

I don't always think the best advice is to leave.
I think sometimes the poster needs time to process what is actually happening to her.
Abusive people are the authority on shifting blame. Their capacity for making their bad behaviour seemingly of the victims doing, is beyond machiavellian.

Once the OP actually accepts that she is in a domestic abuse situation, she can think about making plans. x

God he sounds like a cunt!

The next step in this Machiavellian nightmare is that he will start knocking this woman to the floor when she disobeys him, because "she started it first"

That is to say...the best advice is always to leave...of course!

I'm just thinking it's a scary thing to contemplate, before they have even accepted they are undoubtedly in an abusive situation. Iyswim?

pictish It's always a scary thing to contemplate, even after accepting you are in an abusive relationship. But the sooner a person can get out of an abusive relationship, the less damage can be done to bother her and the children. Contemplating whether or not the relationship was/is abusive is best done from a safe place.

What an awful situation for your family this is, but I am amazed at your physically abusive behavior being excused on this thread, no way would a man posting the same scenario get the support you have done on this thread.

You need to get out somehow as you are currently damaging your children with this dysfunctional behavior.

You hit him - yes that was wrong, you know that. You have acknowledged and apologised for it. He is still punishing you and tormenting you because he can.

He calls you foul names, mentally tortures you, watches while you struggle to get up to get a drink.... this is not a man who loves you!

He leaves the lights on, just so he can watch you struggle to get up to turn them off.

He lets the dogs out, so he can watch you struggle to get downstairs to let them in.

Do you still think he loves you?

I think he should be arrested.