Going to get a flaming, i know its my fault..........

[abitbuggered]

Ok, may be long.

Currently live in my Dps house with my SN 5 year old, 11 year old ss and i am 8 months pregnant.

I have had the most hideous pregnancy, i've been ill from day one, have SPD pretty badly and am stressed and scared beyond belief that this baby will be born with problems the way my dd was.

Anyway, DP doing the bedroom up so new baby and dd can share. As usual, he wants to do it as cheap as possible, so a wall that needs plastering hasnt been, he hasnt treated the damp patch and he has refused to line the walls. Basically its going to look crap and probably need doing again.

We had words on Saturday about this. Im very hormonal, dd was early and absolutely nothing is done for this baby yet. Apart from "doing the room" dp has not done a thing, and seems to think i will be single handedly paying for the buggy and all the bedroom furniture (dd needs a bed, we havent a wardrobe etc so with buggy going to be in the region of £1000)

I had a bit of a sulk, and refused to make him a cup of tea, but i thought it had all passed over. Certainly he ate his dinner etc and was perfectly happy.

About 9pm i asked him to get me a drink, the reason being i was on the settee, knackered and my pelvis had locked up due to SPD (it does this a lot and its a painful long job to get up) . He refused, stating "maybe i'll do it later, maybe i'll look out the window and sulk instead". He then sat there smirking as it took me almost five minutes to get up to do it. Then he went to bed.

I was pretty angry, as clearly he had sat for 7 hours and waited for a chance to even things up, had watched me cook the dinner etc, all the time waiting to "give me a taste of my own medicine"

I went upstairs and started to have a go at him as to why he had felt the need to be clever over the drink, and he did his usual habit of pretending to sleep through what i said, or saying "really? How interesting, you're so right" in an utterly patronising tone, which is what he does all the time.

He knows how angry that makes me, and i have to admit after 20mins of this i snapped, and whacked him one (slapped him on the back i think) He just started laughing at me, and hanging onto me while i tried to get him off me. He actually hurt me more i think than i did him. I accept i was totally wrong and out of order, but i just snapped at him, i feel like im shouldering it all, and i cant even have a discussion over something without him smirking. Its like he sits there and winds me up and watches me go.

Anyway, fair enough he wasnt speaking to me yesterday. I apologised and admitted i had over reacted. During the conversation he continually referred to me as a "mongol" and "retarded". I accepted i shouldnt have hit him, but that maybe he needed to look at how he behaves during rows, and that he knows that sitting saying "oh yes you are so right" or just completely ignoring me just frustrates me, and perhaps it would be better if he tried to listen and answer when a row was starting.

This ended up with him yelling at me that he want taking any blame for anything.

He has now for the last two days taken to coming into the bedroom to go to bed after me, and turning the main light on whether i am asleep or not, if im watching the tv he just turns it over, turns the volume up and turns the main light on. Of a morning he is getting up before me, turning the tv on in the room loudly, opening windows and opening curtains, even though he knows i am asleep due to not sleeping well at night due to SPD pain.

Ive tried to talk to him today, and asked what he actually wants (ie does he want me to leave) but he kept standing there saying "do want you want arse"

I dont really know what to do. I have tenants in my house, which i dont own fully on my own (different story) so they would need notice, i have a baby imminently due, and am about to start maternity leave, but im self employed anyway so not exactly a hard hitter. I lent DP my 7k savings a year ago for something, so i have no reserves of cash, and i dont think he will pay it back (i think he has money hidden in the house and could repay it)

I dont really know where to go from here. I totally accept i should not have lashed out, and it was not acceptable, and it was my fault with no excuse. I should have controlled my temper, but i cant do more than i have, and i cant see how i can stay here with him basically walking round doing spiteful things to me, because as he says "i need a taste of my own medicine". Im not spiteful to him, i just snapped. I feel like i do it all here, and every attempt to address anything is met with his constant patronising attitude.

At the moment im sat here just thinking what do i do??

I agree with the bottom line. This is a very unhealthy relationship, and your children will be suffering while you stay in it.

OP, what did you want from this thread ?

Did you want the vitriol of MN to rain down on your head so that you can excuse your nasty boyfriend and have a reason to stay ?

Not

Happening

What a horrible horrible shit he is.

Good about the dinner though, one less thing to do. Perhaps you could use some of that time to absolutely turn the house upside down to find that cash?

If I were you I would leave, finding every way I could to maximise the amount of cash I could get hold of in the meantime, by fair means or foul. 7K? Bloody hell. No, of course he won't pay you back, because he isn't a decent person.

His behaviour sounds a lot worse than yours, and motivated by simply having a thoroughly unpleasant character, rather than being a person at the end of their tether.

Probably, but its a bit scary at the moment, one SN child and one due, i dont know how id survive with money, the house is rented simply because i cant pay the mortgage and no one will rent anything to me in my situation.

The 7k i lent him was part of the money i had saved to get ex off the mortgage, currently if i leave here i need to pay my mortgage and still try to get ex off of it. Its a tiny 2 bed house, and either way id need to give a months notice before i could go back.

Its all a mess, and im a coward over leaving.

I accept i shouldnt have hit him. I have said that a few times.

I did actually think i would get a flaming tbh. I know if i had said he'd hit me people would have gone mad.

I dont know what i wanted from this thread, probably a way to get it off my chest. I feel a bit up shit creek right now, my relationship is usually ok, but as much as his behaviour is shit i know i over reacted with what i did.

I dont have a mum as such to turn to, family are far away, dd doesnt see her dad, i dont have any money now and i feel a bit up against the wall today.

You can't go on like this,and there's no reasonable response at all from him when you try to initiate discussion.I don't see how you can sort this out.He's obviously too busy being cruel and enjoying tormenting you.

Your DP is an abusive twat and you need to leave him.

You can make it more complicated than that if you like, but that's the bottom line.

You should serve notice to your tenants and make plans to get out of there.

Also, do not pay £1000 for bedroom furniture, you need that money to support yourselves (go on freecycle or ebay), and ransack the house for his hidden cash.

Now is the time to leave, whilst you are getting ML pay and don't need childcare.

You were wrong to hit him, and that at least was your fault. No amount of provocation or 'pushing your buttons' justifies that. There would be very different reactions on this thread if you were saying he had hit you because you wound him up.

However he sounds absolutely awful, it really sounds like he hates you, has absolute contempt for you - the awful things he says to you, and the cruel way he takes pleasure in seeing you struggling and in pain. That is not right, not right at all.

I really think you need to separate, try to find a way you can move out. No good can come of this situation, and it can't be good for your children to grow up in this sort of environment. Give your tenants notice ASAP, get advice about what benefits you'd be entitled to on your own, do what you can to get that £7000 back - I don't suppose you put the 'loan' in writing?

You are not going to be up shits creek for ever. It will pass, but unless you shift gear from "I deserve this" to "you know what, I don;t have to do this anymore" then shits creek is going to turn into your new address. If you think he has the money hid, you know him better than most and use your instinct to dig it out.
You have accepted your part in it. But, is this the time for moral sack cloth and ashes or big blinking sign to get out? Your guilt keeps you in a state of inertia whilst he will happily go about his life unaffected. Is he sitting there considering the rightness of his behaviour? reckon not. There are ways and means, there are resources for you, they take a bit of tracking down.
Does your dd have a social worker or any input regarding her SN? Could that be a place to start. I am going to suggest a refuge, as you are vulnerable right now and it could give you breathing space.
A seperation is not the end of the world and it might bring himself to his senses. Or it can be the start for a way out for you all.

Whatever the whys and wherefores his behaviour is beyond the pale

My xh used to push me to the point of no return and then tell me to control myself and I was mad.

I appreciate you are scared but honestly he sounds vile dont be scared to leave how could it be any worse ?

Hey, if it's your house change the locks and give your tenants new keys and explain that you are going through a break up and that exP is NOT to be let in. You will be able to claim many benefits to support you on mat leave and in the longer term.

I think you would be happier on your own for a while. He is emotionally manipulating you and then blaming you when you react to the provocation. You deserve a normal relationship where ppl do not torment each other - they do exist. Ups and downs in a relationship means going through patches of stress where one partner is struggling in other areas of their life and maybe a bit grumpy etc but where there's light at the end of the tunnel e.g. a change in job. Throughout these ups and downs they never resort to these sorts of bullying mindgames.

Take care and take this golden opportunity to make a positive change for yourself.

Does he have anything of any value that you can take and sell?

You shouldn't have hit him... but I'm not surprised you did, given the intentional provocation. I hate it when faced with someone who thinks it's smart to be unreasonable, and funny when they get a reaction.

Living with that would actually make me ill.

doctor

are you really advocating theft?
given the current situation that is really not going to help the situation at all.

If he owes her money....mind you she would have to have proof of it. Why not hold it hostage? That might focus him mind!

"i snapped, and whacked him one (slapped him on the back i think) He just started laughing at me, and hanging onto me while i tried to get him off me. He actually hurt me more i think than i did him."

Of course he hurt you more than you hurt him, he'd use something like that as excuse to justify punishing you.

You just need to start making your plans to get away.

lola

the "advice" from doctordwt is to sell the property not hold it hostage, and as the man appears to be abusive would you really want to risk the change from emotional to physical abuse. (not saying one is worse than the other just different)

What an absolutely dreadful 'relationship'.

They currently live together as a couple. If I were in this situation then yes I would certainly remove from the joint house anything of value from which I could potentially recoup my own loss, informing him that I had done so and would be selling X unless he returned my money.

The scary thing is that soon there is going to be a tiny baby in this situation- and that is hardly going to reduce the stress is it? You need to be making plans to get out.
And using thewords he did- I can't even bring myself to type them- when you have a SN child is the lowest of the low.

OP I feel for you, I lived in this kind of relationship for 7 years, and yes I am ashamed to admit that once after being pinned down and had him sneering and laughing in my face calling me horrible names, I punched him and knocked him out which then led me to be an abuser which I hated myself for.
What he is doing is emotional abuse. Please do what you can to leave him.

doctordwt

this is a pregnant woman, why would you risk turning this to violence, the "partner's" lack of respect is already ringing out.

I could see where you are coming from if she had an exit plan in place and recouping losses was her main concern, but your advice would not ensure her safety or the safety of the unborn child.

He sounds immature in the way he deals with everything.

I had an abusive ex who was jealous, posessive, wouldn't let me go out etc, and then started hitting me, biting etc.

He used to push and push until one day I lost my temper and threw a plastic bottle at the wall. His reaction was that I had thrown it at him (he wasn't even in the room) and so I was actually the abusive one. He used this to justify his behaviour, to say that actually it was 6 of one and half dozen of the other (or whatever that saying is) rather then that actually he was abusing me.

I was unbelievably frustrated that he was constantly brainwashing me, being suspicious of me, accusing me, and acting mental that it pushed me over the edge.

The behaviour wasn't ideal but my behaviour wasn't the problem. I don't think the slap you gave him on the back was either. I imagine it was the result of enormous amounts of frustration living with a very immature man.

My ex was immature as well and it's the most frustrating thing.

I would give your tenants notice today. Is there anyone at all you could stay with in the interim? You could pack up your stuff, leave it where it is for now, take your dd and stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. Or better still if youve got two friends move between the two.

Could you Ask your boyfriend outright for the £7k? You never know he might give it to you to get rid of you given that he can't even bring himself to talk to you. If he doesnt give it to you, search for it while he's out.

It sounds to me as if you are taking responsibility for hitting him. Thats all you can do now its done. He is fully responsible for his behaviour; you should try not to cloud what he is doing with what you have done. Its not relevant IMO. He is behaving abysmally and you need to get out.

well give your tenants notice to leave because you need to sell then, and then apply to the council and tell them youre fleeing abuse and need to be housed