How to get over my mother's conditional love -and not repeat her mistakes with my own children

[missldi]

This is more of a reflective rant...have 2 DDs under 2(!), and love them to bits.Hoping to avoid them feeling like I do with my mother-that unless I'm doing what she wants etc, that her love and approbation is conditional.

I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and have always felt like the least important one. Despite running errands,putting myself out, being generally on call for my family, there's a general expectation that I'll do whatever's needed.And yet, if anyone acknowleges this, my mam downplays things.
At school,worked hard, did ok-went to uni etc-but never pleased my mother.Got a 2.1 degree-why wasn't it a first?Yet my brother dropped out of 3 seperate courses.
Doesn't like my DH-he brings out the Hyacinth Bouquet in her, makes passive agressive digs about his family, yet fawns over my brothers in law.. Our house is too small, needs this and that according to her-yet one of my sisters at 35 is still living at home..
If I attempt to challenge her on any of the barbed remarks about my life, DH, DDs etc,she either passes it off as a joke or takes offence and sulks.I ineviatly back down and end up apologising because I hate conflict and bizarrely still seek her approval.
I'm afraid that I'll end up replicating her methods and making my kids feel like my love is conditional...

bump

Because you have so much insight into your mother's behaviour, that (it seems to me) gives you a good chance of following a different course yourself.

Thanks,ComeInto...I guess that I'm just afraid that I'll end up pushing them the way I was pushed, yet nothing was ever good enough. The bizarre thing is that in my real life, I'm no pushover, yet in the family dynamic, I'm a people pleaser.I don't want my children to feel like I do.

Missidi, I think you've already done the hardest part by recognising what's going on :)

Mine's another family that dumps all the responsibility for everyone's feelings on the eldest. Having twins (?) is no insurance, I'm afraid - we have a pair of eldest twins, and one of them has ended up in the traditional family 'eldest child' scapegoat slot :(

Long-term, this needs healing from within and it's quite difficult to replace all that early programming with healthier stuff - at least, it's a slog. It involves being a better 'parent' to yourself, until you're able to love yourself unconditionally. The good news is that having children of your own seems to ease this process if you take it on. You can sort of try out the 'good' stuff on them and you at the same time!

John Bradshaw, inner child guru, says the adult children of dysfunctional families cannot parent really well until they themselves are healed. I don't know if you read the Stately Homes threads on here, but you will find mothers being bowled over by the loveliness of becoming a great parent as they work through their own process.

Short and obvious bits of advice: Only criticise behaviour, never the child. Never say "I don't like you when you ...", say I don't like what you did. Do not label your girls. Praise achievements, but praise them just for 'being' too. Try not to dilute your praise (only a 2.1??) Never use withdrawal of love as punishment - no shunning, critical barrages, silent treatment etc.

This is all in parenting books, so maybe pay extra attention to those parts.
All the best!

Call me Maud.

There was a lot in your post that I recognised from my life and that of good friends, but I reckon that your/my/their best hope is in remaining conscious of what was less good in your/my/their childhood and making a conscious decision to do things differently. We are not doomed to repeat our own childhoods, especially if we have a supportive partner alongside.

My husband has a similar relationship with his parents. He is not repeating the patterns and he has very little insight, i can see it but he can't or rather chooses not too as its too painful.

If he can not repeat the behaviour whilst being a bit unaware of it then i am sure you can with the amount of insight and awareness that you have.

Still, counselling is never a bad idea. DH is waiting for his.

Thanks folks. I guess that since having the girls(not twins,btw, but what you'd call Irish twins-17 months between them),it's made me think about a lot of things.
Another thing which brought it into focus was the fact that DH had a hernia op 2 weeks ago-so I'm looking after all.Even in prison you'd get a bathroom break!
IWhen I last visited, all I heard was how awful I looked,but-no offer of help etc-yet she travels over 3 hours to help one of my sisters in much less challenging circumstances.

Are you me? Actually I only have 1 ds. And I'm the youngest but otherwise...

I try to apologise if I get grumpy or do something I feel wasn't great to make me more approachable, hopefully. Also teach him how to make amends eg help clean up if he made a mess rather than leave him stewing for upsetting me. And also saying "You did X. You must be so proud of yourself!" rather than making it about me and my approval.

Agree you need to do some work on how you feel about yourself. I stood up to my mum properly a few weeks ago, don't think it will actually change her behaviour but I feel a bit more free from all that stuff.

You are not like your mum. You've seen how you were mothered and you don't want that for your children. Don't worry; you clearly have enough insight to do everything differently.

How do you challenge a lifetime of being told I only want you to do your best and I'm only saying...?

Pony, I LOVE your second para! You're teaching him self-worth, aren't you :) :)

Treat yourself the same way. Your best is good enough.

Will definitely follow up on the suggestions given.Feeling more positive now about facing the future-and not blighting the DDs self esteem the way mine was.

I would recommend when your kids push your buttons and what you can do about it. Its really good for helping you see why you react the way you do. Or in your case to prevent you from reacting like your mum.

Just because parents are not able to love their children, doesn't mean their children will be incapable of love. So I don't quite agree with Bradshaw there, though I can see where he is coming from. The maternal instinct can be very powerful when it kicks in, something as a man he man not quite understand! It sounds OP like you love and cherish your children. Sometimes having children can be part of the healing if you like. So I am sure you are doing fine!

Re. your own issues, relationship with mother, approval etc, maybe you want to do some work on that separately, it can only help.

Love the 'Irish twins' - 17mths apart. I have a pair of those a boy and a girl all grown up now. My mum is Irish and was the stereotypical bossy controlling matriarch. Think 'Mrs Brown' without the humour !

Mine was the 'who do you think you are?' school of upbringing I'm afraid - put 'in my place' at every turn. Grew up with very very low self esteem and confidence. My mum once shouted at me at 14 'look at you sticking those busts out - cover yourself up.' I was an early developer and very busty but I was only wearing a loose high neck top. She was only happy when I was wearing a big baggy cardie. I remember whenever I walked in a room I would hunch my shoulders and my head would be down. I used to feel as if I had to apologise almost for my very existance in any situation. Seven and nine years after me she had my sister and brother and was completely the opposite with them - they were always 'her babies' - in fact over indulged if anything.

I ended up predictably being bullied at school and even later on in my worklife. I was a prime target with my forelock tugging /apologetic stance. I even married a violent controlling bully (very young as couldnt wait to get away from home) frying pan/fire anybody? that it took me 27yrs to break away from. I can honestly say without an ounce of self pity that her awful upbringing style ( and my dads weakness in not standing up to her) was detrimental to a very large chunk of my life.

I am in my 50s now and very happily married to a lovely man overall and have resolved most of my issues and managed to become a confident relatively normal person.

Sorry for the hijack, but that ladies and gentleman is how much damage and how far reaching into a childs life this kind of upbringing can be. So needless to say I brought my DCs up to be two confident very outgoing but very gentle caring people by just following a lot of the advice already covered - encouragement rather than criticism, praising them for just being themselves at times and most of all unconditional love.

Guess who looks after my elderly mother who now has dementia, in a wheelchair, incontinent, a weak heart and always calls me by my younger sisters name (who never lifts a finger yet can do no wrong). Yes you've guessed it 'yours truly'.

People have asked me why I do it after the way she treated me and now I do absolutely everything in my power to make her as comfortable and content as possible in her final years and I feel absolutely no anomosity towards the frail helpless old woman sat in front of me.

Because again as someone has already covered on this thread - whilst parenting my own DCs in the opposite way I have managed to 're-parent' myself and repair a lot of the damage and break the cycle. To do that completely you have to let go and forgive also.

I am absolutely sure OP that you do 'get' this and you are and will be a wonderful mum. The only bit of advice I could add to whats already been said is to try and rise above and detach from your mothers criticisms etc. Even forgive her and put it down to misguidedness rather than malice. I know it's easy for me to say now my mum is helpless and frail whilst yours is still behaving like this but it's a big step towards stopping it eating away at you. All the best.

missidi - good luck, sounds like you're well on your way as much as anyhting for noticing and trying to be different.

sudaname - i am SO impressed by your story and attitude, i only wish i could show similar strength of character, dignity and resolve with my own DM

Thank you so much Expat and I am sure you could. I just came to the conclusion a long time ago that all this angst we carry around with us is very self destructive and there comes a point - I was in my forties so not all that strong a character ! - where you have to take responsibility for your own life and what sort of person you are instead of keep blaming it on bad upbringing or whatever. Sometimes that means forgiving and/or detaching and I found it surprisingly easy to do once resolved to it and like a great weight had been lifted.
Just wish I'd done it sooner and salvaged more years but I'd be absolutely delighted if just one person read this and started sooner.

when I was preg with dd I thought alot about what I liked and didnt like in my CH and also what DH liked and didnt like.
DH has very diff P and upbringing, left him traumatised but he is a totally natural F, everyone notices it, he is a natural and there is no way he is going to repeat as he is a totally diff person to his F and M.
With me, I appreciate I am also v diff to my P's, and I do try and catch myself when I think i am mimicking in some way thats negative.
But the biggest defense about reapeating behaviour is being a diff person altogether.

unconditional love by alfie cohen. the mere mention of this book makes some mnetters froth at the mouth and it's seen as the sine qua non of the hippy home edder, but it's not really. it's a step back from the prevailing behaviourist mood in child rearing and many developmental psychologists would agree with the tenor of the book.

can't advise on the difficult mother. mine's hard, but in a different way. i definitely parent (they were quite hippyish, my parents) in a waynthat seeks not to replicate my parents' wrongs.

but as the poet said: they fuck you up, ...

oops, unconditional parenting, i meant

The barrage continues...both DDs have the cold,the baby is fractious and teething,my OH is recovering from an operation-I'm shattered.
My mother rang me today to tell me that you need to take care of yourself-we were looking at photos of you from 5 years ago and you've really aged since then.
No offer of help-just the usual barb.Please God I won't do that to my kids.

That's one of those comments that could make you either laugh or cry really missidi. Subtle as a sledgehammer.

Just a thought - have you actually ever tried - as a defence mechanism -openly laughing at those sort of remarks from your mother because they are very Mrs Bouquet-like really arent they.

Nobody likes to be laughed at when they are being serious so it might make her think twice next time and also it will be much better for you to react like that instead of letting her upset you.

Don't know if I could carry it off-mumbled off the phone ,then cried from tiredness and the fear that the bag lady reflection I currently have is permanent...
Would like to try humour-got to be better than tears-thanks,Sudaname.