How to get over my mother's conditional love -and not repeat her mistakes with my own children

[missldi]

This is more of a reflective rant...have 2 DDs under 2(!), and love them to bits.Hoping to avoid them feeling like I do with my mother-that unless I'm doing what she wants etc, that her love and approbation is conditional.

I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and have always felt like the least important one. Despite running errands,putting myself out, being generally on call for my family, there's a general expectation that I'll do whatever's needed.And yet, if anyone acknowleges this, my mam downplays things.
At school,worked hard, did ok-went to uni etc-but never pleased my mother.Got a 2.1 degree-why wasn't it a first?Yet my brother dropped out of 3 seperate courses.
Doesn't like my DH-he brings out the Hyacinth Bouquet in her, makes passive agressive digs about his family, yet fawns over my brothers in law.. Our house is too small, needs this and that according to her-yet one of my sisters at 35 is still living at home..
If I attempt to challenge her on any of the barbed remarks about my life, DH, DDs etc,she either passes it off as a joke or takes offence and sulks.I ineviatly back down and end up apologising because I hate conflict and bizarrely still seek her approval.
I'm afraid that I'll end up replicating her methods and making my kids feel like my love is conditional...

Have never checked that thread-but will definitely look at it. Always thought it was for people with more extreme problems than my passive aggressive mother..but feeling very worn down with everything at the minute. all suggestions greatfully recieved.

My very prosaic suggestion, missldi, is to ask when you last had a break. Have you got a local friend who could look after your children (and partner, if they need it) while you went for a haircut/massage/walk in the park/cup of tea in a cafe or whatever other small treat you would most enjoy? If you weren't so physically tired you might be (along with the other tactics suggested here) better able to deal with your mother's undermining.

Couldn't tell you the last time I had me time..don't like to bother people and ask . OH does what he can, but normally works from midnight till 8am,then sleeps most of day when he gets home.
Currently,he can't lift/feed/change the girls , so I'm the loneliest boatwoman doing all.
Good to have the chance to express my frustration and fears here-as in my RL, I present as capable and confident-masks to hide behind..

Thanks bunny! I agree accepting "good enough" from ourselves and what we expect from our children is really important. The books mentioned already, How to Talk... and Unconditional Parenting really helped me to recognise that I have a temptation to behave in an unpleasant way (I don't know if everyone feels like this or only if your mum has been harsh in a particular way with you) and work out some different ways to be.

OP, even if you look like a baglady it sounds like you are taking good care of your family to the best of your abilities. You should be really proud of yourself (see what I did there? )

I know it's hard, and even more so if you have a reputation as Ms Capable, but maybe your friends would be happy to be asked to help out, especially while your partner is recuperating.

Thanks,ShowMe!My family will always be taken care of to the best of my ability..As for me, my daily aspiration at the moment is to have a shower-not always achieved,at that.
Am ordering some of thses books as we speak.

don't like to bother people and ask

I have ptsd from ds birth and my therapist says that actually most people like to help out others, it gives you a warm glow doesn't it? So you are not bothering them, someone might like to hang out with a baby for a little bit.

I present as capable and confident-masks to hide behind..

Its a way of staying in control. I find because my mum expects so much of me I am terrified of failure so have to appear able. Having ptsd has actually been good for me as I got to a point where I couldn't cope and had to admit it.

The terrified of failure I really identify with...going to bed now,feeling a bit better,thanks to the advice I've been given here.Will be in touch tomorrow.

To those who posted-just wanted to say it has really helped.Have felt like $$$$ for years and was always told-on the rare occassion when I challenged comments-that I was too sensitive/making a mountain etc/misunderstood etc..reading your comments has reassured me that her snipes aren't my fault.

Am going to work on detaching-and making sure that I don't do this to my DDs.

It's good to hear that you're feeling better able to respond and deal with things. I hope life will get a little easier for you and maybe you 'll even get a bit of me time.

It's good to hear that you're feeling better able to respond and deal with things. I hope life will get a little easier for you and maybe you'll even get a bit of me time.

Thanks,Come into..going to work on that!

missldi:

"Most people targeted by verbal abuse explain why what they?ve just heard is not true or not okay. They explain themselves because they believe the perpetrator is rational and can hear them and the relationship will then get better. Then they usually hear more verbal abuse, for instance, 'You?re too sensitive.' At that point they don?t usually realize that they have just been defined, and, therefore, verbally abused again."

www.verbalabuse.com/page3/page3.html

You ARE too sensitive is defining. The person is making a statement about you, which is clearly supposed to be derogatory. What evidence do they have for this? Usually, they mean you took offence at something which was meant to be offensive!
Moreover, what the hell is too sensitive supposed to mean anyway? Is sensitivity a crime all of a sudden? There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. When you start to think they may have a point, perhaps you're 'too sensitive', you've been gaslighted - made to believe an alternate reality (the abuser's).

Mountains out of molehills is trivialising. Somebody upsets you, they say you have no right to be upset. They're saying your feelings don't matter. They're even saying you don't know what your own feelings are! Normal people don't do that when someone else is upset - not even to a stranger, never mind a person they imagine they love.

You misunderstood is denying and blaming. If I tell you you're stupid, and then say you missed what I meant when you get upset - I'm lying, basically, aren't I? I said it! But now I want you to think I didn't say it - or not quite that, or not in that way exactly. What does this do to you? It puts all the blame on you - I'm blaming you for my insult. Smart, huh. Of course, now you're the one with the interpretation problem, I haven't insulted you at all! Gosh, would I ever do such a thing?? You just don't understand anything.

Some of Mumsnet's finest have already taught their children how to recognise and deflect tactics like these, with great success. If I may, I'd like to recommend Patricia Evans's books and this website, which is a bit of a bitch to navigate but worth the effort!

Looking forward to your update :)

Garlicnutter - what an excellent post. That rings so many bells for me. I have always said people who have been abusive to me in different ways , line managers , my exH , etc have always hated it when I have stood up for myself on occasion. It's as if they are aghast that I have the audacity to do so but it's ok for them to treat me like s* for years but then I finally object and all hell breaks loose - leading to disciplinary meetings at work (or worse from my EXh) and so on. These tactics you mention were always paraded out - I always ended up coming out the villain and being 'told' why I was - as in 'defined'.

Terribly upsetting, confusing and frustrating to counter, this 'blame the victim' tactic.

I have similar worries.

I agree that insight is an excellent starter for change, but I still fret that I'm somehow inflicting my own upbringing on my children.

Until about a year ago I reviewed my parenting constantly and, I don't know why, but more recently I have felt more relaxed and I can see the positive effect on myself and my children.

I still wonder whether I could do more for them though, mostly to strengthen them with good self esteem.

Though I could never imagine phoning one of them and saying what your mother said to you. And that has to be a positive.

Isn't it hard... I just spent a rare weekend with my mother and, as usual, found myself lying in bed counting the insults and trying to persuade myself they were not true.

Evening Folks. To update ,today when my mother rang and asked about how DD1(23 months) slept-badly as usual despite trying EVERY sleep strategy known to man-when she again implied it was our fault, instead of half heartedly agreeing, I just pointed out that it is what it is..and if she's thriving, then it's ok.
This may not sound like much,but it's a start. The best bit was getting off the phone without feeling like she was right-and that it is my fault.

That's really great OP. The longest of journeys start with the smallest of steps. Or something like that, I can't remember Anyway, my point is Well Done!

Garlicnutter,your comments about being sensitive really resonated with me.Forgive my ignorance, but what is gaslighting?

Missldi,
I had the same relationship with my mum. After me and my DP temporarily spilt up I went into counselling to 'deal with the split' and never once talked about him.

The counsellor told me that she cried after one of our sessions (?) and told me that my parents were GOOD! When I asked her if she had been listening she stated "they showed you what NOT to do as a parent. We all make choices as parents and you can choose to do it differently".

So I did.

My 2 DS are confident self assured kids with very limited exposure to my M.

I realised that I needed to limit her opportunities to transfer her issues on to me and I took control of my contact with her.

My only regret is I put up with it for 32 years before doing something.

Good luck!

Whooh I've just seen your post from 19:54! CONGRATS! You defused and deflected, well done! More to the point, you spoke common sense in the face of emotional balderdash. No doubt she'll come back with a redoubled assault (it's hard for screwed-up people to let go of their screwed-up version of reality) but you're even ready for that. You're amazing.

Gaslighting is manipulating someone into believing that what isn't true, is. It's often employed to make the manipulated victim doubt their own perceptions, even their own sanity.

goodenuffmum, your post is inspiring. It's never too late to stop the damage, I'm sure you'd agree!

Sudaname - thank you; I hope you're feeling a lot more free and autonomous now :)