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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If we get divorced he will resign and leave the country

43 replies

lostboysfallin · 10/04/2012 21:31

So he would rather stay in a very unhappy relationship, arguing all the time, where his dw and DS annoy the hell out of him and do nothing right
I give up, he is not thinking right

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/04/2012 21:39

I think it's a common statement, but to be honest I don't think many do it. Just treat it as a scream of frustration and nothing more.

Let's face it, which country is he going to go to? Will they give him a visa? How will he afford to live without work?

toptramp · 10/04/2012 21:43

I would pack his bags and drive him to the airport myself if he pulled that kind of emotional blackmail. Buy him a one way ticket; to dumpsville!

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 10/04/2012 21:43

He's not from here, he would go back down under, where everything is rosy, so it's a credible threat
I always thought he would never give up his precious job, but as it's the job that causes most of his stress, why stay here if he hasnt got me or DS?
He would be taking a chance with the job, but he has lots of contacts.

OP posts:
SuePoiblybilt · 10/04/2012 21:44

OK. Would that be so terrible? Other than the loss of child support - but that's not a given sadly, even if they stay in the UK - what would be the biggest problem if he did do this?

I'm prolly not putting it well - what I mean is that if this is the worst that can happen - is it that bad? Bad enough to make you stay with him?

Chubfuddler · 10/04/2012 21:46

What sue said. Is the potential loss of child support worth staying with him? I doubt it if he's cunty enough to threaten that.

xmyboys · 10/04/2012 21:46

He can't take your child. So is it such a bad thing?

AnnieLobeseder · 10/04/2012 21:48

When I read the title of your thread I thought, "...and that would be a bad thing how?"

My opinion hasn't changed. You don't want to be with him, he's happy to leave. So why on earth stay together?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 10/04/2012 21:57

I just think it's typical of his selfish attitude, he's like a spoilt child.

I'm not working, so would have literally nothing. And be in serious trouble with mortgage etc very quickly.
In one breath he says we have to sell the house and I can go back to my parents, then says he will pay for DS to go to private school.

I'm happy for him to go, just want him to be a bit more responsible

OP posts:
xmyboys · 10/04/2012 22:06

Can you start putting plans in place do that if he did leave you would be ok?
Returning to work? Or getting prepared?
Have a hidden savings account just in case?

HipHopOpotomus · 10/04/2012 22:07

I think (but not 100% sure) that you could go through NZ/OZ courts to get child maintenance in uk? Look into it.

I agree it's an easy and obvious card for him to play - sounds immature.

If the job is the cause of stress will he consider changing jobs here? Is he interested in working stuff out at all? If not you may be better off without him.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 10/04/2012 22:22

I've been looking for a job now for a year.
I don't really have access to any extra funds, I could find £100 a month maybe
He has thought about another job, but tbh he brings a lot of it upon himself, workaholic.
We have been trying to work things out, counselling, but it's been going on for years. Had counselling session today, we had big blow up over the weekend and can't even seem to talk now

He told me he would work late tonight, stay out of the way, he's just posted on Facebook, he's out for dinner
Ffs

OP posts:
HipHopOpotomus · 10/04/2012 22:24

Sorry you are going through such a crappy time .

Hattytown · 10/04/2012 22:29

I don't know the back-story here, but it sounds like other posters do?

What does it matter what he thinks or threatens to do?

If you want to leave the relationship, you do so. You don't need his permission and it's not contingent on what he will do next is it?

BTW, I've heard lots of people make empty threats to 'leave the country' if divorce is on the cards. The best response to that is to say calmly

"If you want to move thousands of miles away from your child, then that is your decision. It doesn't affect me either way so you must do what you think is best."

LydiaWickham · 10/04/2012 22:33

He probably won't go. Very few do, although a lot threaten it.

that's a lot of change and quite frankly, a lot of effort. "I'll just go" sounds easy, but isn't.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 10/04/2012 22:51

Hatty, not major backstory, I've posted a few things about him
He's stressed and angry and that all gets directed my way. I understand a lot if the stress and empathise, but I'm not responsible and do not deserve to be treated like a dog, or slave

I'm sure it's an empty threat, I just wish he would be a grown up, accept the inevitable and bow out gracefully.
If he went and still supported DS, it would be fine by me. DS is used to him being away a lot. He just wouldn't see him as much.

OP posts:
xmyboys · 10/04/2012 23:02

Hope he enjoyed his dinner outAngry
He knows you are on Facebook? Did he post to stir things up?

Hattytown · 10/04/2012 23:02

So have you told him you want to divorce then? Have you formally ended the relationship? Presumably he can only bow out gracefully if he's told the relationship's over?

If he then emigrates or threatens to, you just shrug your shoulders and say 'okay' don't you?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 10/04/2012 23:23

I think he's playing games xmyboys. Of course he knows I can see that.
Hatty, it's not formally ended, like I said we have been trying. We have both cone to the point where we know we can't continue, so separation/divorce is the next step. We had talked about him moving out, but I think this is a threat to get me to back down
He thinks I'll panic about having no money and give in. But why does he want to continue if it's so bad? Just give it up.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 10/04/2012 23:39

Well people want to stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons, even when they know it's bad for them and their children. What I'm trying to get at is that if you've decided it's over - it is over. It doesn't really matter why he wants to continue and shouldn't overly concern you. It's irrelevant really.

Is it the case that you're threatening to end it but don't really mean it? And this is why you're still so engaged with his thought processes and motivations?
If he thinks you will back down, does he have a point? Will you?

mummytime · 11/04/2012 06:19

I would suggest you go and talk to CAB, and a solicitor to get a true idea of what will happen if he disappears into the wide blue yonder.

xmyboys · 11/04/2012 11:02

You can't say you havent tried to fight for it, didn't you say you had counselling?
Does he want to go back to nz?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 11/04/2012 18:50

yes, had counselling xmyboys, he could do NZ or Aus.

Hatty, I want it to be over, but somehow I still want to help him, and he just pushes all those buttons, manipulating me into feeling sorry for him

He's just phoned asking do I want him to pick up anything for dinner?
He said he would stay out this week.
Honestly, I reckon he thinks it's calmed down and I will just carry on as normal
or that's the way he plays it, I have to make sure he knows I am serious

OP posts:
Original poster
lostboysfallin · 11/04/2012 18:53

other thread here
sorry getting confused with the 2

OP posts:
Hattytown · 11/04/2012 19:30

I haven't read all of your other thread, but it seems to me you're giving mixed messages at the moment. You're worrying about what he will do if you divorce and yet you're going to couples counselling in the hope of saving the relationship?

I get the impression you're trying to find problems and hurdles to prevent you from leaving the relationship. This thread started in 'marriage ending' mode and was all about your husband's empty threat to resign his job and emigrate, but when posters told you that this was a complete non-issue, you went back into 'marriage saving' mode.

You sound very passive. This is your life and you do have control over it.

I think you have to make your mind up about whether you still love and him and want to save the marriage, whether you're just co-dependant on him and afraid to be on your own, or whether you want to divorce.

cornflowers · 11/04/2012 20:02

Do you not want to move to Aus/NZ, then? Is that the issue? Or is it a red herring?