If we get divorced he will resign and leave the country

[lostboysfallin]

So he would rather stay in a very unhappy relationship, arguing all the time, where his dw and DS annoy the hell out of him and do nothing right
I give up, he is not thinking right

Hatty, I can see how it's confusing
Basically I have been asking him to change this behaviour for 2 years.
The counselling started in dec, and nothing was changing, I felt frustrated and at the end of my patience when I started the thread about counselling. We had a huge blow up at the weekend and I have had it. And he knows something has to change, as he is unlikely tp change overnight, most likely he moves out.
I agreed to go to counselling yesterday to get the counsellor to referee, to try and convince him that this is serious. That we can't continue this relationship.
That's when he pulls the "I'm resigning and leaving the country" card.
Which is not a non issue because it could happen and as much as I would be glad to see the back of him, we would struggle financially and I think it's petty and childish and probably indicative of the shit to come. Game playing, etc. So I just wanted to talk it through.

We have talked about separation on many occasions, and now we are there.

If I seem passive, maybe it's because he has drained all the bloody life out if me
I need to get my own life(confidence) back before I have the strength to do this
Anyway, bollocks to him.
I just booked flight for me and DS to go on hols with my parents on Friday
So will be away for a week

Cornflowers, he's been a bastard for so long that I told him long ago I would not go abroad with him.
I think he is using this as a threat so I will stay with him, but why can't he just accept that we are all better off apart.

Is this Mr Oz in a Weekend?

If so, tbh, i think we have to face facts that he is manipulating you in any way he thinks he can.

This is a threat, and I know that NZ/OZ CSA is well linked to the UK. He can't evade his responsibilities by going home. if he took the money he has, you could sue him and get your share back IIRC.

Get advice and tell him to do what he feels he has to do, but that you are no longer prepared to be treated so badly. He knows what he is doing, he is CHOOSING to do it to you over and over and over.

YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LET HIM ANY MORE.

ONCE he sees you standing in front of him with the courage of conviction, he will probably change tack.. and move onto another method of manipulation.

This is probably going to go down the swanny. TBH, it's been looking like it needs to for FAR too long. You need to face up to it and think to yourself that you would rather be alone for all eternity (believe me, you WON'T be!) than to be SO disrespected in your life.

If you went to Oz and then split, you would never be able to come home to the UK with your DC to live. Remember that.

Oh yes and STOP the therapy. I fear he's controlling, manipulative and perhaps abusive. Counselling is counter-productive in these situations.

the joint therapy I meant. Go for personal counselling, you'll need to heal from his behaviour, you can't do that on your own.

Houdini, is that really true about splitting up in oz you couldn't come back?
Even if uk citizen, children born here etc!?

Yes Hissy, that's him

We decided last night just to get some space between us, hence the holiday tomorrow
Grandparents are over the moon!
All packed now

I know it's just putting it off

Xmyboys, I think Hissy just means that it would be very difficult to get DS back from Aus once schools/friends established and dh would be in a better position to fight him leaving.
Not going to happen though.

He sounds controlling and manipulative to me in which case joint counselling is definitely not a good idea. Let him piss back off to Oz if he wants to. Sounds like you'd be better off without him.

I've heard (on here) that if the DH is from there, if the kids get settled, the H and the courts don't want the DC to lose touch with the Oz parent so the children (if settled) can be made to stay resident there. The therefore DW has to too. Not sure if that applies to uk and oz borne DC, but if one parent is from Oz, there is dual nationality. I could be wrong tho...

This refers to situations where the family all move there and settle.

I would be inclined to call his bluff, TBH. It doesn't sound as though you have very much to lose with regards to the relationship.

Sorry, I think the possibility of losing child support and security is part of the price when thinking of divorce - depending on the reasons for divorce or separation and the various shades of grey involved.

Why should a loving husband and father be expected to pay for his wifes mental illness when she commits infidelity? Especially if he has tried to do everything possible to help make it work? I just read the various stages as detailed on WOMANSINFIDELITY.COM and it makes perfect sense but dont kid yourself and think the man is 100 percent to blame.

Just because the law has not caught up to balancing out this huge injustice doesnt mean that a man wont sort it out himself!

The choices for this type of man are not always logical nor in the realms of sanity.

If you dont know all the details then dont be so quick to offer such stupid advice as I have seen posted in some of the comments as simplistic and practical as some may think!

I am now in this position and I can tell you that dissapearing in both ways is sincerly being contemplated because I cant live with the fact that my wife and kids might be living with another man and father and I nstelieve in commitment and my role as bread winner. I do not treat her unkindly or with disrespect. Agreed the marriage is not perfect but for the sake of the children I am and was prepared to pay whatever price, just not for another man.

Best she find a rich guy to pay for it all. of course I will offer to take the children and look after them myself AND I wont expect or demand any maintenance just as long as I never see her again albeit she can see our children when she wants to - practical as possible. There are no second chances after this type of betrayal and even though I have read that her mind might not be all there, when this finally happens I will be 100 percent convinced that she understands the reasons SHE has chosen this future for all of us.

and I wont be reading comments becaue they will just upset me more

It can be a very real threat.
My sil thought her dh would do this when they split as his brothers had.
The women in question were quite happy as they were complete tired and they were happy they have to deal with them.
Not all situations are the same, but I would ensure you are as independent as possible in case.
I get so fucked of with this type of black mail I would drive him to the airport and tell him to fuck off.
Not the most practical response, but I would.

12th April...

The choices for this type of man are not always logical nor in the realms of sanity

Say's it all really.

Yes heaven forbid you should be upset more bushwacker

Are you ok op?