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Original poster

Would you think ILs might have contacted me after DH left us?

28 replies

TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 19:52

Bit of background: Three weeks ago DH walked out on me and our 3 DCs (DTs 9 and DS 2) to be with someone else. We'd been together 15 years and married for 10. I was just so happy with him and thought we had the perfect relationship. Turns out he'd been "falling in love" with her for 6 months and screwing her for nearly a month. The whole situation is compounded by the fact that about two months ago we moved into a big house which we were sharing with OW and her DH and DCs (some of you might recall a thread I posted last year when we were thinking of going into it: Long story short, we did). So when it became apparent that the other couple's marriage was in trouble, I did my best to support her, not minding when DH was spending massively long periods of time out with her because I assumed that he was lending a friendly ear. I cooked meals, did the family's laundry, looked after their DCs as well as my own - basically played unpaid housekeeper and surrogate mother whilst all the time she was out having sex with DH. When he finally told me, my world fell apart. It was like being hit by a train. I know I probably should have seen it but I just couldn't. I trusted them both completely. Needless to say, I'm devastated.

DH (and OW!) went over to see his parents (they live overseas) a few days afterwards to tell them what had happened. My relationship with ILs has always been a struggle on both sides. We're just very different people and we each find the other very hard work. They think I'm cold and aloof, I think they're shallow and boorish. But there was never any open hostility and we maintained a sort of truce for DH and the DCs' sake. I told him to assure his parents that no matter what the situation was between me and DH, I would always make sure they could see the children and that they would always be welcome in my house. AIBU to imagine that they might have contacted me? Even if not to see how I'm doing, to ask if the children are all right during such a stressful and traumatic time? I know DH is their son and they're bound to side with him, but I seriously doubt even he could have spun this to make it my fault. He did exactly the same with his best friend the day before and the first thing he did was send me a lovely e-mail to say how sorry he was and see if I was OK. Even SIL, who I've always got on quite well with, hasn't been in touch. Not a phone call, text, e-mail, nothing. It's not as if I really need any support from them - my own family and friends have been amazing - I just feel really hurt that they've cut me off like this. I have asked DH why they've stayed away and he says they're "Giving me some space". That doesn't explain their apparent lack of concern for the children though does it?

Am I being uncharitable towards them? Should I be contacting them? I really wouldn't know what to say even if I did. Can anyone think of any logical reason or justification for why they're staying away? I know in the scheme of what's happened it's pretty low on the list of things to worry about, but it's just really bugging me. Any advice?

OP posts:
puds11 · 10/04/2012 19:59

In these situations, i think people really struggle with how to talk to the other person (you), or some people feel that they have to 'take sides'.
I think its extremely shitty that they havnt been in touch with you.
Are you getting on ok otherwise? I cannot even comprehend how much of a shock this must have been for you.

Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 20:01

Well, we're still having to live together for now, so we're maintaining a business like relationship and making sure we're civil around the children. It's really hard though.

In ILs' defence, they're not the sharpest pencils in the box so they may well feel that they have to take sides.

OP posts:
NotInGuatemalaNowDrRopata · 10/04/2012 20:05

I'm so sorry you've been through this hell.

Yes, I know why they haven't contacted you. Because they're spineless, cowardly arseholes, and hopefully, they are deeply ashamed of your exDP's behaviour (though I think it's more the former).

Hassled · 10/04/2012 20:05

I'm really sorry you're going through this - you must feel like you've hit by a train.

It is early days, though - it's quite possible the ILs/SIL think the last people you'd want to hear from at the moment are his family. When my Ex and I split, his parents (who I was close to) kept very quiet for ages, but as soon as I made some contact they were delighted to hear from me. I think they thought I'd tar them with the same brush, IYSWIM, and the contact had to come from me.

ohmygosh123 · 10/04/2012 20:06

They might (just might) be feeling guilty that it is their son who has stuffed things up in such style.......or they simply don't know what to say. Yes ideally they would, but it is hard (and I say this from when I was stuck in the middle, being confided to by both parties). Theory is great - stay friends with both - but reality can actually be quite hard.

Maybe send them an email saying its happened - yes its very upsetting, but I want to try and maintain some degree of normality for the children. Please stay in contact with me despite what your son has done - I don't hold it against you - I would like you to keep in touch for the children's sake.

Then the ball is in their court, and they can't turn round later to the kids and say you made it difficult for them.

Equally I might be giving them too much credit, and they don't give a monkeys ....

Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 20:07

That would explain an awful lot, DrRopata.

OP posts:
MajorB · 10/04/2012 20:08

What a horrendous thing to happen, how awful for you.

I think it's very poor of the ILs not to get in touch with you, you've been in their lives for such a long time, and as the mother of their DGC you deserve that courtesy at least, but the reality is that some people are rubbish and simply don't know how to behave when something unexpected happens.

I'd give them the benefit of the doubt for the time being (as you say, you have enough things to be worrying about at the moment) but long-term if they don't put the effort in it simply means that you don't have to either - they can build their relationship with their DGC when your XH has his access time.

I'm really pleased to hear you have some RL support, make sure you do ask for help when you need it, after you've been treated so appallingly you deserve some human kindness. Take care.

Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 20:09

So you think I ought to contact them, then?

OP posts:
hathorinareddress · 10/04/2012 20:09

My ex and I split three years ago.

I have never had any contact from his family.

Blood's thicker than water in these circumstances I think - especially if they didn't like you to start with. What would you want from them?

Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 20:09

Thanks MajorB.

OP posts:
puds11 · 10/04/2012 20:11

is the OW still living with you?

Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 20:15

What would I want? Don't know really. I think for the children to feel as though their GPs gave a toss about them. But then that's never been the case anyway. They make all the right noises about loving them and stuff, and tend to shower them with presents when they visit (which is rarely), but it's not backed up with anything concrete IYSWIM. They don't phone to ask them how their school play went, or show any kind of interest in them. It's like they're trophies to be carted round to all their friends when they visit. They couldn't tell you what the name of their school is, or what they enjoy doing, or what their best friends' names are like my mum could. Perhaps I'm being unfair. Not exactly thinking terribly rationally ATM.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 20:16

God, no Puds. I told her to get out immediately and I've not seen her since. Her DH and DCs have gone too. He's looking after them at his mother's.

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/04/2012 20:19

Give it some time - you have enough to deal with without getting het up with people who are either a) mortified by their son's behaviour and too embarrassed to get in touch or b) spineless twats who don't give a toss or c) assuming you hate them and don't want to hear from them.

When you're feeling a bit stronger (which will happen, I promise) send a vague polite email and their response will tell you whether it's a, b or c.

ZZZenAgain · 10/04/2012 20:19

if the grandparents are only really involved during visits, probably the dc are not picking up at all on their silence atm.

Feel sorry for you, sounds like you've had a horrible time. Maybe the ILs are not really important right now

puds11 · 10/04/2012 20:23

Good for you! You sound like an incredibly strong woman

MajorB · 10/04/2012 20:24

Well my only experience of this is with an XP whose mother had on many occasion thanked me for "turning her son's life around" and who said I was like a daughter to them.

When I kicked my XP out for cheating I never heard from his parents again, even when I had to contact them as my X had left me with a load of his debt and more in his parents name, they never returned my calls or emails (even to say thanks for stopping the bailiffs going to their house).

I felt heartbroken that they dropped me that easily, so I know how you feel, and from my experience I wouldn't contact them to avoid more hurt, but your ILs could just be stunned at their son's revelation at the moment - let's be honest, it's a biggy so give them a bit of time before writing them off and hopefully they'll prove us both wrong.

MajorB · 10/04/2012 20:27

I really need to type quicker, I was responding to the OPs question of whether she should contact the ILs, and I see things have moved on a bit...

renlo · 10/04/2012 20:45

I learned the hard way that blood is definitely thicker than water. I was with ex partner for 8 years, two of that he had been leading a double life another woman. His sister and mum who I thought I was close to knew about it for 6 months before I found out. I was devasted, more so when his family basically closed ranks and froze me out over night. Till today, none of them has ever so much sent me a text to ask of me. These were people I went on holiday with and saw regularly. This was 6 years ago,.

You're feeling hurt and wounded and part of that is needing others to recognise that, especially those who you feel should care about you. The harsh truth is that they probably don't and the acknowledgement you're waiting for will never come. Sorround yourself with those who genuinely care about you and trust that you will heal and be normal again. It takes time but it will happen. My gran said that for every minute of your life you waste on someone who doesn't deserve you, the longer you keep away the person who is right for you. I am sorry you are going through this, especially with kids as well. Pick yourself up, lick your wounds for the terrible hurt your H has inflicted on you and look towards a day when you don't feel like your world has ended up on top of your head. It does get better, believe me.

birthdaygurl · 10/04/2012 20:54

Sadly I know that my PIL would do the same. Sad

Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 21:16

Gosh, Renlo and Major, that's just horrible. Did either of you ever get close to finding out why?

Hassled, I like your idea of sending something vague and polite. I was thinking about something along the lines of:

"Dear MIL/FIL,

I don't know whether or not Mark mentioned that DGS1 was on TV on Easter Sunday. If you click this link: www.yourgransdonstvdebut.com it'll take you to BBC iPlayer where you can watch it.

Hope you're both well.

Regards,

Knackered"

Only thing is I'll have to send it soon because iPlayer drops stuff off after a few days doesn't it? Is it too soon? Do I need to address 'the incident'?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 21:17

Puds, don't be fooled. It's all a front. I'm a crumbling wreck under all this ice.
:(

OP posts:
puds11 · 10/04/2012 21:29

Im sorry knackered i hope things start to look up for you soon Smile

iloveACK · 10/04/2012 21:43

I'm so sorry you're going through this Sad. I have no advice unfortunately, but wanted to wish you & your DCs the best.

Original poster
TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2012 21:44

Thanks Puds.

OP posts:
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