Wwyd? Dh won't let my mum look after ds

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

My mum is an alcoholic. She has been for ten years+. She doesn't drink at all during the day, she drinks about six cans at night now. She's a lot better than she used to be.

She has never given us any reason to believe she can't look after our ds. She has a great bond with him and they get on brilliantly.

We have never let my mum look after ds1 on her own but I feel now is the right time to start allowing her short amount of time during the day with him.

Ds1 is 5. She wants to take him to the museum via a train while he's off school. I don't mind as I trust her during the day when I know for a fact she won't be drinking. If I thought she might I would agree with dh. If I thought she had a hangover she wouldn't be allowed to look after him either.

Dh flatly refusing to allow it. And although I see his point, he says he can't trust her. She won't be drinking and I know they would have a fab afternoon together.

Aibu? Wwyd?

I'm with your DH. Even if she doesn't drink while watching your DC.

Alcoholics are selfish. Selfish people are not very good care-givers, or role models.

People can still be affected by what they have drunk the night before, If they have excessive amounts.

I would not trust your mother to babysit a Gnat !

Sorry I agree with your Dh.

I agree with your husband, im sorry but i don't think alcoholics are the most trust worthy people.

I'm in a similar situation with my mum and dp as well. She also doesn't drink as much as she used to but her behaviour is still all over the place. She has good days where I think she'd be great looking after ds, then she has other days where I wouldnt even dream of it.

I can see why your DH is so against it, but then I can see why it would be important for you to be able to give your mum this trust.

Have you spoken to your mum about it?

I think you have to allow DH to make his own call on this, simply on the grounds that you're both the parents.

I have to disagree with the proposition that all alcoholics are selfish, though.

I am afraid I also agree with your DH.

I feel sad to say that.

I think I would continue to enjoy times together with your Mum,when you or your husband are present.

I agree with your husband.
A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic.
It's not about whether she has a hangover.
It's about priorities - and you cannot prioritise your mother's feelings above the safety of your child.

This could be the chance she needs to seek help - what better incentive than to be able to spend time alone with her grandson once she has conquered her alcoholism?

I think insisting on going on a "big" trip involving train and museum is telling - why not walk to the park and get an ice cream? Why does it have to be a performance?

I speak as the daughter of an alcoholic who, although might not drink on a particular day, is all about the Grand Gesture

The potential for it all to go pearshaped when they are far away would be too great for me.

Sorry but here you definitely owe your DH the respect of making that kind of decision for his child. Afraid you owe your mum far less.

I agree with your DH, too. Why don't you go with her, that way she can still give her grandson a treat, yet you will be there to ultimately be responsible for him?

Would you be happy for ds to be looked after by a childminder, or a teacher, or a nurse who drank as your mother does?

And whilst you say she only drinks in the evening, it's the nature of alcoholism to vastly improve the sufferer's likelihood of and ability in lying. So she just isn't to be trusted.

I completely agree with your dh.

She's never looked after him on her own and you/she want(s) her first time to involve a train journey to a museum???

I'm going against the grain and say that I think your dh is being a worry wart, and that you seem pretty confident that your mum is more than capable, so I'm siding with you.

What does he think will happen on a train trip to the museum?

I think he's being peevish.

Sorry, another one who agrees with your DH. What if having your DS stresses her out and she feels the need for "just the one drink to calm her nerves" or whatever excuse?

Really, I don't think you should take the chance - after all, if something did happen you'd never forgive yourself, and neither would your DH.

Absolutely agree with your DH.
There's no reason why she needs to have him alone. Plenty of grandparents get on perfectly well enjoying their grandchildren and they don't necessarily take them on grand days out alone.
Let her take him to a nearby park. Or go round there and let her have a nice afternoon with him whilst you sit and relax. but no way would I be letting her take him somewhere on a train. 5 is very young and he is still very vulnerable. Once he's 11, has a mobile phone and would be capable of bringing himself back home if anything went wrong, then maybe. But not at 5. No way.

agree with you dh but try a compromise - start small. sort trip to park for one hour. build up gradually. dont start with big trip involving tains etc!

I agree with your DH

I think it might be ok, as long as she doesn't drive.

I'm with your husband, and he has the right to veto something, with reasonable grounds, as her parent. I'd actually be livid with you for even suggesting it, tbh.

It would be fine with me I think. You know your own mother.

Can you build up slowly? Will DH be happier if you all went to the local park then your mum watched your DS while you and DH had a walk together? I can understand your DH, my grandma was an alcoholic, she hid it well but sometimes there were problems.