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Original poster

Wwyd? Dh won't let my mum look after ds

47 replies

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 10/04/2012 14:00

My mum is an alcoholic. She has been for ten years+. She doesn't drink at all during the day, she drinks about six cans at night now. She's a lot better than she used to be.

She has never given us any reason to believe she can't look after our ds. She has a great bond with him and they get on brilliantly.

We have never let my mum look after ds1 on her own but I feel now is the right time to start allowing her short amount of time during the day with him.

Ds1 is 5. She wants to take him to the museum via a train while he's off school. I don't mind as I trust her during the day when I know for a fact she won't be drinking. If I thought she might I would agree with dh. If I thought she had a hangover she wouldn't be allowed to look after him either.

Dh flatly refusing to allow it. And although I see his point, he says he can't trust her. She won't be drinking and I know they would have a fab afternoon together.

Aibu? Wwyd?

OP posts:

Adayforthinking · 10/04/2012 14:37

I'm not sure to be honest. Although QIelf, I'm a bit surprised by what you say about the Childminder, Teacher etc bit. My CM may well drink 6 cans every night and I would have no idea (if she has no hangover and hides all the evidence!), the same with a teacher. Individuals may be alcoholics but may not realise and therefore haven't been 'labelled'. I know that the young girls that help out at my DD's preschool regularly go out on binges. Who's to say that they don't do that every night, but show no effects the next day.

The difference here is that the OP does know that her DM does that, and therein lies the problem. She is consciously aware of the risks, when actually, we could all be unknowlingly putting our kids at the same risk every day.

Slightly off the subject, sorry.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 14:40

I am afraid I agree with your H too

This trip she is proposing is too much, too soon

Start smaller, and let her earn some trust first

A horrible thought about your own mother, yes, but perhaps you are in some denial about how bad she really is ? (understandably)

thisisyesterday · 10/04/2012 14:41

DO you know for a fact that she won't drink?
alcoholics are bloody good at hiding their drinking.

can you say, hand on heart, that you know 100% that she will not drink?

if not then i would say no.

porcamiseria · 10/04/2012 14:42

OH I do feel for you, but you have to respect his views here

maybe arrange a nice day trip all the 3 of you

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 10/04/2012 14:50

It's hard to feel like you're excluding your mum, but I'm with your DH.

Alcoholics lie. If she says she only drinks x amount, that doesn't mean it's true. I knew a chronic alcoholic (now dead) who said she only drank in the evening. She had a job with a LOT of (potentially life or death) responsibility. When some work was done unexpectedly in her office they found vodka bottles hidden everywhere. Her family (husband and children) and co-workers had no idea.

I would not risk it.

Ephiny · 10/04/2012 14:55

I can see your DHs point of view. You might 'know for a fact' that she won't drink during the day, but he doesn't know that (and surely even you can't be 100% sure?)

Putting yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if this was not your mum, but one of his relatives?

QIelf · 10/04/2012 15:13

Adayforthinking - What I mean is, if you knew this of your cm/teacher etc., how would you feel about it? Happy, confident your child would be well cared for, or have a few worries?

My point is, just because it's your mum is irrelevant. If you know someone drinks heavily in the evening to the point of alcoholism, can you trust them in the daytime?

donotoutplz · 10/04/2012 16:28

you may think she'll cope well, but she's never had him alone for that length of time, and she is someone who drinks to cope with life.

sending them off together into another town may very well end with her needing to get a drink at lunch etc. and the whole thing may descend into chaos from there. there's a learning curve involved with caring for children... add to that a new setting, public transport, etc and you have no idea how she'll cope.

i am with your DH, you would be foolish to leave your DS in her care.

maybe when DS is 9 or 10 and is able to SEE Gran is drinking/drunk, smell it on her, and phone you for a rescue.... then you can start thinking about leaving her alone with him.

vintagewarrior · 10/04/2012 17:15

Really tricky one, I had to eject ex DP from the house as he was a highly functioning alcoholic, but made the silliest of cock ups. Car seat not clicked in properly, forgetting to change nappies, one pretty bad accident where ds ended up in A&E. Nothing on its own but all together very slack & sometimes dangerous. Because you love someone its easy to think the best of them, but the truth remains, they don't have the same brain function as us.
I'm with your husband I'm afraid, my son is scarred for life due to a silly error in judgement :-(

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2012 17:18

How do you know how much your mum drinks?

Hebiegebies · 10/04/2012 17:23

Having lived with a parent who was a functioning alcoholic, I remember the hours beofre the first drink of the evening were horrid. Also anything that went wrong during the day while sober was far worse to than it should have been. coping mechanism was not that of a non alcoholic.

For that reason I would be very wary and siding with your DH, sorry

Ragwort · 10/04/2012 17:23

I think you need to respect your DH's point of view - even if you (and I) don't agree with it, IYSWIM. The important thing is that you don't fall out with your DH over this.

Is your mother actually an alcoholic - I & DH frequently sometimes drink a bottle of wine a night (each) - is that more/less than six cans, I don't know but I don't consider that we are 'alcoholics' or incapable of looking after our DC. Anyway, that is a side issue, you shoudn't go against your husband's POV on this.

racingheart · 10/04/2012 17:26

Sorry, but I agree with your DH too, although it's a really tough decision. Imagine if it's all going well but they get hot and thirsty and they just happen to pass a pub with tables outside...

I remember being taken for a 'treat' by alcoholic next door neighbours when I was twelve and it was excruciating. There's no way a 5 year old could handle the situation if she came off the wagon and he was alone in her care miles from home. It could be embarrassing and traumatic at best, dangerous or lethal at worst.

PurplePidjin · 10/04/2012 17:27

I think you need to respect the fact that your dh doesn't trust your mum. She can have unsupervised access when she's earned that trust.

Annababy · 10/04/2012 17:29

Agree with your dh,my mil is an alcoholic and there is no way on earth that I would leave my twins with her.She doesn't drink in the day either but she is hungover most days,can't organise getting herself to get out of the house by a certain time,has been in rehab countless times and always seems to pick up new 'friends' while she is there who always encourage her to start drinking again.
She drinks because she is depressed and is a liability to herself,she has been in hospital countless times in the last year because she has fallen and broken limbs,ribs,collarbone etc.
I refuse to leave dts with her for even 10 minutes alone as I would never forgive myself if something happened-luckily dp agrees completely.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 10/04/2012 17:29

I agree with Ragwort and also your DH .
If she doesn't drink during the day, I am struggling to see how she is an alcoholic. She has self-control, more so than may people who feed themselves stupid on chocolate/crisps etc with no self-control. Also, 6 cans... round here that would be an aperitif...
However... if your DH is concerned then that definitely trumps your DM desire to have the DC.
How about talking to you DM about t?

oikopolis · 10/04/2012 18:14

many alcoholics don't drink during the day.

drinking during the morning/day is a sign of alcoholism, not the definition of alcoholism.

MardyArsedMidlander · 10/04/2012 18:40

If your mother is drinking six cans a night (and I bet you can safely double whatever she tells you..) and is NOT having a hangover the next morning, her body is seriously habituated to a lot of alcohol.
Plus I would balk at a long day out with a small child, when I had never been left with them unsupervised- and I don't have a substance abuse problem. The temptatioon to have a quick can at the train station to cope with the stress would be huge.
And as one who grew up with an alcoholic parent, I think you sound seriously in denial- she won't drink? they'll have a great time? she never drinks during the day time???? Really? And you know that how? because your mother - who has a drink problem- has told you this????

Original poster

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 10/04/2012 19:23

Thanks for all your replies.

To answer some of the questions:

My mum is definitely an alcoholic. She used to drink cider, wine, spirits, strong lager every night in excess and a few years ago we had loads of problems with her. She drinks between 4-6 cans of lager a night which is less than 4%.

I know she drinks this amount as she lives with my two teenage siblings who keep a very discreet but close eye on her.

Although I think she is functioning and controlling the problem, I agree she is an alcoholic still.

My ds was talking to me and my mum a few weeks ago saying he wanted to go on a train as he's never been on one. My mum only uses public transport and doesn't drive, which is why she came up with this idea of train and museum. 15 min train journey.

My dh won't let anyone look after our son and I just feel he is playing on the fact that she is an alcoholic.

My mum has plenty of patience and time for my boys and we regularly all go out for the day.

I went to see my mum before and told her we wouldn't be allowing her to take ds1 out alone at the moment as he still drinking albeit a little. She was hurt and upset but didn't make too much fuss about it. I suggested all ping on the train and museum but she just said 'it won't be the same' .

So thanks for your input. Definitely something we need to work on.

OP posts:

onemoreminute · 10/04/2012 19:30

How old are your siblings ? Would one of them tag along. If one was say 15+ i'd be happy with that.

Iggly · 10/04/2012 19:37

Agree with the majority.

My mum was (is?) an alcoholic. I had no idea how much she really drank because she hid it. I don't trust her even though she's been dry for over 15 years. I love her but there's no trust. I'd like to be able to but can't.

So agree with your DH.

However why won't he let anyone look after your ds?

Original poster

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 10/04/2012 19:45

Dh doesn't trust anyone really.

When he was little he never stayed at friends or family's houses over night, or even for the day without his parents. I think most of it comes from that.

His parents brought him up saying that no one could look after him like they could and that why should anyone look after him when his mum and dad were there. Iyswim.

Ds1 goes to parties and to friends houses for tea etc, but he won't let any family look after him. Very strange set of rules IMO but at least he let's ds1 go to parties etc.

Being parents is what we signed up for. I get that. But IMO, other relatives can give different information and experiences and knowledge that you don't always get from mum and dad. Iyswim.

Like when we go out for the day with my mum to a national trust park, my mum explains what all the different trees and birds are. Tells ds all about the birds and what all the nature things we find are etc. that's just an example, but that's her I retest so she knows all about things like that.

And I feel in the long run its my ds1 that will ultimately lose out on not spending time alone with other relatives. But it's something dh and I have to agree on and discuss and work at.

OP posts:

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