Can I train myself to be softer / more accepting of dh and like him more?

[stepfordKnife]

(Have name changed as this is a personal matter)

He is a good bloke (kindly, loved by children etc etc) but almost everything he says and does irritates the shit out of me and I find him contemptible . I am sure the problem lies as much (if not more) with me than with him. Can I train myself to like him better and be more accepting? I don't enjoy being in this marriage (and I expect it could be a whole lot better for him too), but feel I should appreciate that he is a decent man and make it work better

If he irritates you this much and the problem is with you, what do you think the problem could be with you?
I'm a bit like this myself sometimes - with everyone - but it's because I'm worn out or worried about something. Is there something else bothering you?

What does he do that you find contemptible?

Or is it him rather than his actions that you have contempt for?

Yes, you can train yourself, but you will get more and more bitter.

I think I am probably inflexible, dogmatic, like things done in a certain way. Can people changes fundamental parts of their personality to be more free wheeling and easy going?

Hotdamn

What does he do that I find contemptible?

• talks too loudly and draws attention to us in public - people do turn and look
• mumbles and I have to ask him to repeat himself (that sounds contradictory with the above) *questionable personal habits like constantly fiddling with his nose (looks like nose picking but he claims it is an itch)
• dressing like a hobo in his own time (but very smart for work)
• talking a load of crap *watches tv when you talk to him (pleasantly, not nagging) thus giving appearance of not listening, but claims he is listening etc etc

Yes, it's a long and petty list - am not proud of myself but can't seem to help feeling constantly irritated

Have you always felt like this? Did you marry him because you were under social pressure not to be single and he was there and keen to marry you? Because it will make you resentful to live with a man that you don't love and are not much attracted to - he may be a perfectly nice man but not one that suits you.

If you were passionately in love with him before, try to work out what's changed, not just in his behaviour but in your general circumstances. When you've some idea of the cause of your annoyance you can start to work out whether you can overcome it and mend the marriage, or whether it would be better to call time on it sooner rather than later. Because living like this long term is absolutely poisonous for all concerned.

I completely identify with this and imagine many women who are married or in long-term relationships do. Somebody has recommended to me a book, 'The Relationship Cure' by John Gottman - I've not got round to reading it yet so I can't recommend it myself wholeheartedly, but maybe you'd find it useful. He's the relationship psychologist who recognised that the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalyse' for a relationship are contempt, stonewalling (i.e. refusing to engage with your partner), criticism and defensiveness, and I believe his work's well-respected. You've mentioned feeling quite contemptuous of your partner (not surprisingly - dressing like a hobo, for example, indicates not much respect for himself or for you); I've got all of those four things going on in my relationship so you're not alone.

It's not your fault - he is failing to meet your needs (though you may be failing to meet his too).

I hope you (and I) get it figured out.

Sorry, that should have been Apocalypse.

I wonder why you are so self-critical.

Do you really feel "contempt" for him, or are you just annoyed by certain habits of a man you don't fancy, and castigating yourself very harshly for it?

SolidGoldBrass - I fear there is an element of what you said in your first paragraph, although I did enjoy being with him a whole lot more in the early days and we got on much better then...(we are 13 years married now)

Thanks NeedToDoDusting - I would certainly like to give reading that book a try, it is worth a go, perhaps it will help with some sort of breakthrough....perhaps understanding ourselves and our partners a little better might help with effecting change

Yes possibly HotDamn (I don't want to face the potential fact that this situation might be irredeemable, it is easier to stay married although not hugely rewarding)

Hmm. Well, I do think compulsive criticism is an easy habit to get into with a long-term partner. Often we feel kind of entitled to give vent to our irritations with a dp, whereas with a friend or colleague we would know we had to swallow it back a little. I am a very angry person, and I know there have been rocky stages in my relationship where I just allowed everything to enrage me. I think my dp was doing much the same. It came to the point where I realised we WOULD split up unless I decided to break the cycle. And that meant deciding to forgive certain things, and deciding to accept rather than change certain things. And I did that, which made her feel less embattled so she did it too, and that allowed us to rediscover all the things we really loved about each other.

That's sounding a bit Pollyannaish. I'm not saying it's that easy (not that it was easy!). But it does sound as though you have developed some bad relationship habits, and he has become fair game for every time you're feeling a bit mardy and wanting someone to take it out on. The question is: if you tackle yourself successfully, will you rediscover feelings of love and appreciation, or still find that here is someone you're actually incompatible with, unimpressed by, and generally falling out of love with? The only item on your list that really worries me is when you say he talks a load of crap. Even when my dp was driving me up the wall and back, I still thought her an impressive person - intelligent, talented, charming.

Was there a time when you found your dp intelligent, talented and charming?

Back later to check in on thread - ds is agitating for lunch atm! Thanks for talking to me about it, I appreciate you taking the time and giving advice

sounds like youve just gone off him completely.

I think it would be kinder to split up. You cant pretend you like someone if you dont, and i dont think you can go from finding someone irritating and comtemptible to being happy and in love with them, and i dont think learning how to accept him is enough for a relationship

Just 'going off' your partner is not a reason to divorce. What happens when she 'goes off' her next partner Dinahmohum - should she give that one up too? There are children involved here.

Most of us can't retain the initial feelings of a relatinship. Some people go from partner to partner thinking they are somehow entitled to feel in lust/love all the time - that's not real life (for most people).

It's hard living with another human being and all their foibles, habits, rituals.

I consider my dh and I to have a good relationship but he can do my head in. I can be irritable and snappy, but I've learned not to be too harsh and be more respectful and tolerant over the years. I'm not perfect either.

But when he doesn't wash his hands after going to the loo, or has bad breath or talks over my favourite TV shows then, fuck it, I'm human and I snap!

i think completely going off your partner and finding them comtemptible and irritated by everything they do is a very very good reason to divorce.

Its not a given that this happens in relationships.

You dont get a second chance at life. Its too short to be with someone you pretty much hate. Thats a lot stronger than just not feeling completely loved up anymore

tbh when I felt like this about an ex it was because I no longer loved them and it was a big red flag that I needed to finish the relationship. Maybe relate might be a good starting place to try and figure out whether this is a major red flag or an issue with you?

And I have been with my DP for 20 years and tbh I find with every passing year I get less bothered about any petty issues. Not because they are not there, but because our deepening love and the fun we have together seems much more important and the other stuff just seems more and more petty. I think DP is the same as tends to make comments about petty stuff in a lighthearted manner.

I think there is no hope here. You don't love him anymore (romantic love) and you should let him go.
I think constant criticism of him, whether verbalised or not, really is a sign that he is not the man you need to be with.
I'm not convince there is anything you could change about ow you are dealing with this, you feel how you feel. Any books you read or psychological techniques you use would just be a sticking plaster.

I'm with DinahMoHum. No-one expects to be in the first flush of romance for an entire marriage and no-one expects never to have a disagreement but it is truly desperate when partners can't even be bothered to be civil to each other any more. It can be tricky living with another person but if it's such a massive effort to even like them, what's the point? Why carry on making each other miserable?

I mean really... when 'itching his nose' is in the top 10 contemptible things that the OP detests about her husband, I'd say it's dead in the water.

and "talking a load of crap" :|

One of the more memorable reasons my exH cited for finding me annoying was 'the way you brush your hair'. When minutiae like hair-brushing & nose-itching (or 'talking crap') is allegedly causing problems I think it's past the point of no return.

Hmm. Tricky. I have patches with DH where I find the little annoyances become major irritations and I blow up about it. I find that afterwards, when I think about it, having gotten the irritation out, I've actually been really unhappy about something else between us - feeling that DH has been not really 'present' in the home or has been emotionally unsupportive.

The things about his dress, volume and nose fiddling sound like you're embarassed by him in public. Are you very self conscious?

Hmm - find myself oscillating between Dinahmohum's (and others') position and agreeing that the relationship is dead in the water but then agreeing with Proudnscarythat it is hard living with another person but that's not a reason to throw the towel in....I certainly don't hate dh, think there is love there somewhere (buried a bit deep down and neglected) and I can appreciate his qualities (from a distance). Devora - I don't find he talks crap all the time, and there are things I admire about him (he is intelligent and quick witted) but the balance is tipped towards irritation atm and we are not making each other happy (although we are not miserable either - more sort of discontentment). Devora - I find it encouraging that you were able to learn to accept things about your partner and thus became less embattled in your relationship (and don't think that is pollyannaish - am just impressed that you turned it around).

Yes NarkedPuffin - I think I am a self conscious person.....

Yes Dinah - the OP only has one life, but so do her children.

My parents argued when they were together, which wasn't always great, but what happened afterwards was much worse. New partners, new house, new life. I'm not even talking about abusive new partners. Just partners whose priorities are their own kids, their new relationship. My parents who were excited about their new relationships and unwilling to take on board that it was not exciting for us but confusing and painful.

I would have far preferred our family to stay together, however imperfect. My mother has intimated the same - the grass was not greener for her!

It is very hard for chilldren to adapt to all of this and if there is not very good reason to do so, then I don't think they shoud have to.

I think there should be far 'better' reasons to split than just 'I only have one life and I'm not skipping through meadows anymore so I'm off'. At the very least OP I think you need to give this a long and genuine last shot.