Can I train myself to be softer / more accepting of dh and like him more?

[stepfordKnife]

(Have name changed as this is a personal matter)

He is a good bloke (kindly, loved by children etc etc) but almost everything he says and does irritates the shit out of me and I find him contemptible . I am sure the problem lies as much (if not more) with me than with him. Can I train myself to like him better and be more accepting? I don't enjoy being in this marriage (and I expect it could be a whole lot better for him too), but feel I should appreciate that he is a decent man and make it work better

thats not been my experience of divorce, or my parents.

Im sorry for your bad experience, but id say its never a good idea to be in a relationshipo where you hate your partner. Ever. Or vice versa

What's the sex situation like, OP? If you're not having it much (or at all), how is he reacting to this? If there's not much sex but neither of you is bothered by that, the situation is more likely to be fixable than if one of you is horny and the other one not interested at all.
Also, when you say he's a 'nice' man, what was your previous experience of relationships and men like? Sometimes women who have been involved with horrible men, or sexually assaulted, set the bar for 'nice' men very low indeed, so a selfish, uncommunicative, lazy cocklodger can be described as a 'nice' man simply because he isn't violent.

I think in your position I'd look at getting some individual counselling/relationship guidance to work out my feelings before I said anything to my DH. I'd want to make sure that I knew for certain what was really getting to me - what I was really unhappy about. Sometimes unhappiness with a partner is a reflection of unhappiness with your life in general.

Once you know what the problem is you can decide what to do and maybe ask your DH about going to couples counselling if you feel it's something you can work on.

Is there anything else going on for you - outside stresses like work and areas of your life where you feel dissatisfied? I have found that I can be irritable with dh if life isn't in balance and I'm stressed in other areas.
Do you have an outlet for frustration ? Time with friends or hobbies?

I do think divorce can be difficult for children, how the parents react is the key but new partners are often not the solutionso I share Proud's view.

Looking at your issue list I would say dress sense could be viewed in a different way if you were trying to be positive.."In work clothes he looks great but he struggles with dress down clothes" (my dh was similar and I realised that I needed to help him with casual styling).

Also the nose itching - if he suffers from hayfever then this is a symptom that can be easily cured. I think you could try changing your focus and see if you could seek solutions to the irritations. You may feel happier in the end.

OP is concerned that the problems is as much (if not more) hers than his.

I would say that this isn't yet a 'chuck in the towel' situation. Or at least not until you've examined thoroughly what you think your component is in this. And this will need to include whether any other relationships (family, friends, colleagues) have also changed, or if any other habits have become more fixed.

It does sound as if it's possible you would actually like to be more flexible, perhaps less intense, and that although the relationship with DH is obviously showing symptoms, is it possible the cause is elsewhere?

Different people, different experiences, of course, Dinah. I'm glad that you had more positive experiences.

I wouldn't make the assumption that the OP 'hates' her partner though. Not from what she has said so far. As I and others have said, sometimes you cannot stand your partner and his/her habits. That doesn't necessarily mean you hate them or have gone off them. It can often mean the stressses and strains and irritations of life have got in the way. It can be perfectly salvageable.

I would get a therapist and talk this stuff through out loud. It's sometimes only when you hear yourself saying this stuff that you can see it for what it is and realise what needs to be done about it. I have found it massively helpful when stuck in a relationship rut.

Relationships can, and do, survive one person disliking the other one for a period of time (it does sound like you really don't like him at all). I don't hear 'contempt' though, I hear intense irritation, both at yourself and him.

Have you ever felt like this before and then had an upswing where you start to like them again, or has it just been a gradual decline? Do you have an interesting life away from him, e.g. career or great friends that could take the edge off your irritation?

I think most people find their partner irritating from time to time, but you sound ready to explode. I reiterate: find someone to talk with (a good friend if not a therapist) to work out what you want to say, otherwise living with someone who hates the way you scratch your nose, or the clothes you wear, is not nice for him, or for you either.

if you think you're generally a contemptuous/inflexible/etc person, and it affects you in several areas of your life, then therapy might help you very much. you might be acting out weird scripts from your childhood that you'd do well to reexamine.

for example, you say you're self-conscious... perhaps that's something you can experiment with leaving behind after a bit of talk therapy, and see where that takes you in your relationships. it may very well be that there's "parent" voice in your head (i.e. an internal dialogue learned from your parent/s) that shames you into feeling embarrassed about yourself in general, but you're projecting that onto your DH because you don't want to feel that way about yourself.

but if your DH is the only person in your life who annoys you like this, and in all other situations you are very happy and feel like you're an effective human being, you might be looking at him being the problem, and not you. insofar as compatibility goes.

i do think you can soften to a person. but only if you recognise their good points and don't have contempt for the person... as long as there's contempt, you've got a big problem.

and contempt, when it's directed at someone quite normal and nice, generally has a root that can be found through therapy.

you don't have to stick with him if you don't want to though. it's OK to just want to leave... i understand the impulse to want to try different things first though. it's sad to leave someone behind. (but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it iyswim)

How do you express your irritations OP? Are you openly critical, having outbursts of temper/irritation? Do you shut down and withdraw or yell at him?

I can really identify with your own wish to be a person with fewer sharp edges. I have achieved it and I like myself so much more now. Unfortunately, it took a 'skin of the teeth' situation in our marriage and an excellent therapist to reach this point. Mumsyblouse and Oikopolis are talking sense.

What would his top 10 list of things that irriatate him about you be?

Do your children see a couple who are generally loving (or at least kind to each other) and respectful?

if you feel entirely contemptuous towards him; don't like or respect him at all, you may well have gone beyond the point of no return and you'll almost certainly be a nicer person without him in your life.

If it's more that you basically respect him and are aware of his good points, but he's been getting right on your tits lately, it's got to be worth giving counselling a try.