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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me deal with my mother's insults

46 replies

TheSmallClanger · 10/04/2012 10:37

I have a chequered relationship with my mother - I've posted on here about her before, and received good advice I've tried to use, sometimes with good results.

Most of the time, mum and I get on. Recently, we've been getting on better. She does have a tendency towards drama, which has been in check lately, and complains a lot, which I am learning to tune out.

However, sometimes she will blatantly insult me, usually completely out of the blue. This is a really silly example, but recently, I was visiting her and she made a really rude, hurtful and tasteless comment about my new hairstyle. I've been feeling really confident about myself lately and love my new hair, and it felt as if she thought I needed taking down a peg or two. I would never dream of even saying I didn't like her hair or clothing, as it would result in non-speakers for quite some time, and probably a tantrum. Plus, I don't normally say things like that to people generally, as it is rude!

This behaviour is part of a pattern. Every so often (and it isn't very often), she will say something really, really off that upsets me, and expect me to take it. Previously, it has been: accusing me of causing my own orthopaedic problems by deliberately assuming bad posture, ridiculing my limp in front of others, suggesting that a serious violent criminal was one of my friends and feigning interest in various things I do, only to ridicule them when they are brought up in conversation with others. I'm not going on as I don't want to remember the rest.

I've tried the "did you mean to be so rude?" approach, which she laughs off. She seems to think that because she is my mother, she has a "free pass" of sorts to say whatever she wants to me.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this? Has anyone dealt with it before?

OP posts:

colditz · 10/04/2012 10:43

If she is ridiculing you in front of your friends, say something like "Mum, I've told you, behave appropriately or I'll take you home and the community nurse can take you on your trips out"

Or, just tell her to shut up. Or don't spend time with her. We all love our mums, even when they arte shit, but don't force a relationship at the expense of your self esteem.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 10:49

describe hurtful behaviour
state how it makes you feel
demand alternative behaviour

For example:

"Mum, you just said x about my hair. I am really hurt that you would say that. I'd like you to apologise."

Repeat sentences 2 and 3 for as long as you can be bothered, as she tries to ridicule/scold/threaten/play "poor me". Walk out if/when apology is not forthcoming.

You can even just say the above only once, and walk out if the request in sentence 3 is not immediately forthcoming, as it would be from any normal respectful person.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 11:03

Everyone's being far too nice. Bullies (because that's what it is, essentially) only stop if they are stood up to. 'You're hurting my feelings' is exactly the effect they're going for so don't give them the satisfaction. Instead try...

"You're talking a load of rubbish again".... "I've never heard such ignorant crap"...."Do you have to work at being a vicious old bat or does it come naturally?".... "From someone that looks like a Dalek with a perm you're a bit free with the personal remarks aren't you?"

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 11:07

at Cogito's suggestions. Soooo tempting!

I stick to the method in my 10:49 post because I would not feel comfortable being aggressive or insulting, even to a bully. I figure that I can treat them decently and give them the chance to treat me decently ONCE, and then walk away if they can't respond in kind (which they can't, indeed).

upahill · 10/04/2012 11:11

Ha! my mother is the same and I have read your suggestions and tried various guises of them but mine just says 'there you go again, you can't take any form of critism!! you are just used to having you friends saying 'yes Upahill, you are wonderful! You can't stand anyone saying anything against you!'

My answer is to roll my eyes and ignore ignore and then ignore again. (and then yawn because I've heard it all before!)

TheArmadillo · 10/04/2012 11:16

Every time she does it - leave. Pick up bags/kids and go. Even if you just got there.

She's a bully and won't stop until you refuse to let her get away with it. Pointing it out to her verbally hasn't worked. Don't give her a chance to be overdramatic and make it all about her. Just leave and don't feed her attention seeking.

AgathaFusty · 10/04/2012 11:39

I've always been an advocate of the ignore, ignore method of dealing with my mother, mainly because anything else just results in tears and tantrums. Lately though, I can't help but think that that just encourages her to make ever more cutting remarks and nasty comments, in the hope of getting some sort of reaction out of me.

PurplePidjin · 10/04/2012 11:50

I quite like "Don't forget who'll be choosing the nursing home" for my mother's occasional lapses into spiteful personal comments

MummyPocPoc · 10/04/2012 11:50

Can you just keep away? My DB is constantly criticising me, he laughs when I pull him up on it. Now I just don't see him. So he can't criticise can he? I don't like it though, I'd prefer to have a normal relationship with him.

PurplePidjin · 10/04/2012 11:52

"Wow, all that time you spent teaching me manners as a child" also works

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 10/04/2012 11:59

'Dalek with a perm' OMG Cogito... you have met my mother?!?!?!??!

On a serious note.. I think Hotdamn's approach is excellent.. state you expect an apology and if one isn't forthcoming, leave immediately. She may act hurt and bewildered...but you won't be there so see it, and done consistently it may just work!

nenevomito · 10/04/2012 12:03

I have similar issues. I've found a simple "We'll agree to disagree on that one" deals with it at the time, and then I let it all out when I get home.

holyShmoley · 10/04/2012 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaFusty · 10/04/2012 13:56

holyS - it's great that you stick up for your husband. The trouble is, when it's your own parents it's really hard to be unemotional and objective about it when they are abusive or bully. I would never take the type of crap I take from my own mother from anyone else, yet time and time again I keep quiet when she spouts venom instead of challenging her on it. I suppose it's because those of us with a parent like that have been conditioned from childhood to take it from them.

CailinDana · 10/04/2012 14:07

I think the first step to dealing with this sort of shit is to convince yourself, well and truly, that you do not need your mother's approval. The reason you put up with such abuse is that deep down you're hoping that one day she will turn a corner and start being kind. She won't. You have to let go of that hope and accept that this is the way she is.

My sister is nasty and critical, and years ago I told her I wouldn't respond to anything that came out of her mouth that wasn't kind and positive. So now we don't speak. That's her choice, not mine. She was using me as a punching bag, and as soon as she realised I wouldn't give her the satisfaction she needed, because I wasn't going to respond to her shit, she just gave up.

One thing you could say to her is that she has no right to criticise you, no one does. The fact that she's your mother does not give her the right to comment on anything you do. You are your own person and you are entitled to live your own life without interference or judgement from anyone.

I'm sorry to say though that it's very unlikely that she'll ever change her ways. You fulfil a need she has by being the target of her insecurities. If you don't fulfil that need any more she will become angry at you and possibly won't want to see you much any more.

sincitylover · 10/04/2012 14:40

This is the thread I have been meaning to start since last week when my m & d came down to look after my dcs for a couple of days.

She started the minute she walked through the door asking if there had been an accident in the door way - ds1 had split a bit of red paint. Futher examples were - I don't know how you are going to move house with all this stuff, deliberatly forgetting my age and adding several years onto it, saying she couldn't handle my kitchen and proceeding to tidy it up and wipe down all surfaces (continually).

Complaining about my bed and how she can't get up out of it.

We were also talking about how we would escape in a fire and i said that i don't wear anything in bed and would have to put something on - she then made a nasty comment about me revealing my body to rescuers - wtf!! To which I retorted there is nothing wrong with my body!!

I now veer between calling her on it - she pretends that she hasn't said anything wrong and running in the kitchen swearing under my breath.

This has been going on for years and each time I see her it leaves me feeling really really low.

When I was a child she kept my hair really cropped short (against my wishes) and I wonder whether she has an issue with my sexuality or women's sexuality - of course if I said this she would say that I analyse everything too much.

She also referred back to a time when I was keen on 'getting too much education' - I did a degree in my mid 20s and a pt masters several years after that!

I do feel alot better knowing that others are in the same boat but really I would never make negative comments about her appearance, household competence, lack of education. Do people think that really these types of mothers are jealous and insecure?

sincitylover · 10/04/2012 14:43

And I know this sounds bizarre but I felt a very bad vibe from her from a very young age.

I think it would help me if I could actually come to terms with the fact that she is rather nasty and that I was not at fault or part of it as her daughter. It's as if despite all the evidence I almost can't believe it is true!

This was also the same with my EA exh and even now I almost doubt it although again the evidence is there.

How can you lay it all out on the table and deal with it?

LadyWord · 10/04/2012 14:52

I really identify with this thread and the OP. My mum does this - she can be SO hurtful, and thinks she has a right to say whatever she likes - about my weight, my body/hair, my kids, my failure to give birth properly, the horrible colour of something I gave her, yada yada. Yet we sort of get on, and she can be OK. That makes it so hard to just tell her to fuck off. And if I ever have pulled her up on it, she gets incredibly defensive and argumentative, and/or cries, and I just can't be arsed with it, so I mainly ignore. I try to laugh it off and not get upset, and I save some of her best "lines" to regale my friends and DP with. But sometimes it cuts right to the quick.

I don't have a close relationship with her, I see her as little as possible, and I'd never let her look after my DC. But she can't make the connection as to why.

So I'm not a great one to give advice, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 14:54

Yes, sincitylover, they are very insecure. That's why they feel the need to put others down all the time - it makes them feel briefly superior.

It's tiresome behaviour, and you don't have to tolerate it.

AgathaFusty · 10/04/2012 15:01

sincity that's just it - "I think it would help me if I could actually come to terms with the fact that she is rather nasty and that I was not at fault or part of it as her daughter. It's as if despite all the evidence I almost can't believe it is true!" - I feel the same way, that despite 44 years of abuse from her and a really horrible childhood at her expense, I can't believe she is that bad.

I read some posters who say they have gone no contact but just don't feel that I can justify it. I have minimal contact, and whilst that is good from the point of view that I only have to see her infrequently and no longer phone her, I really miss seeing my Dad more often. Unfortunately, he is not allowed to see me without her say so, so that really can't be helped.

What is it that gets people to that point where they say "that's it, no more contact"? How bad does it have to get? It just seems so final.

That could be because she cut off every family member (my Dad's family included) during my childhood, though.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 15:02

What is it that gets people to that point where they say "that's it, no more contact"? How bad does it have to get? It just seems so final.

Everyone has their own personal limit.

AgathaFusty · 10/04/2012 15:04

I guess that's it Hot.

LadyWord · 10/04/2012 15:07

I only realised as an adult that my mum only ever criticises/blames other people. No matter how badly she behaves, nothing is ever her fault. I have never heard her say a genuine "sorry" that wasn't really about being self-pitying, and I've never heard her say anything like "I fucked up" / "that was my fault" etc. If someone doesn't like her, it's because they have something wrong with them. She talks endlessly and judgementally about the failings of parents she knows, despite having been a pretty disastrous parent herself.

I guess she is insecure because she simply cannot cope with any admission of responsibility or being at fault.

TheCrackFox · 10/04/2012 15:19

Completely agree with you LadyWord - I have never seen my mum say sorry or admit something was her fault.

My mum also constantly criticises me and I sort of ignore it. I also limit contact with her which she can't understand. How thick can you get?

AgathaFusty · 10/04/2012 15:30

Oh, the self-pity too....

My mother is a marvel at the wobbly lip.

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