Please help me deal with my mother's insults

[TheSmallClanger]

I have a chequered relationship with my mother - I've posted on here about her before, and received good advice I've tried to use, sometimes with good results.

Most of the time, mum and I get on. Recently, we've been getting on better. She does have a tendency towards drama, which has been in check lately, and complains a lot, which I am learning to tune out.

However, sometimes she will blatantly insult me, usually completely out of the blue. This is a really silly example, but recently, I was visiting her and she made a really rude, hurtful and tasteless comment about my new hairstyle. I've been feeling really confident about myself lately and love my new hair, and it felt as if she thought I needed taking down a peg or two. I would never dream of even saying I didn't like her hair or clothing, as it would result in non-speakers for quite some time, and probably a tantrum. Plus, I don't normally say things like that to people generally, as it is rude!

This behaviour is part of a pattern. Every so often (and it isn't very often), she will say something really, really off that upsets me, and expect me to take it. Previously, it has been: accusing me of causing my own orthopaedic problems by deliberately assuming bad posture, ridiculing my limp in front of others, suggesting that a serious violent criminal was one of my friends and feigning interest in various things I do, only to ridicule them when they are brought up in conversation with others. I'm not going on as I don't want to remember the rest.

I've tried the "did you mean to be so rude?" approach, which she laughs off. She seems to think that because she is my mother, she has a "free pass" of sorts to say whatever she wants to me.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this? Has anyone dealt with it before?

Just want to say thank you for the thread.. Very timely and helpful

Thanks for posting this thread. Glad to know it is not just me who has a Mum like this. There are lots of bells ringing here, especially never admitting fault.

She moans about other people mostly behind their backs, but she feels she can be very horrible to my face. If I do something she doesn't like (e.g. like the haircut in the OP) she can get very critical and take it personally. I think she hasn't fully realised that I am not actually part of her and that I can and will make different choices in life, and that THAT IS OK!

Sorry OP I don't have any good ideas but I think you've had a few already.

I think mothers like this often don't realise the impact of their words. They have such low self esteem that they honestly believe that they have no effect on anyone. They don't see that even a throw away comment can be hugely hurtful. Their thinking is totally skewed - they can say anything at all to you, but if you say something only mildly critical back it's the end of the world. They can't connect up the two events - they can't see that their words hurt you just as much your words hurt them.

Depending on what your mother is like you could sit down with her and say "Mum I love you so much that everything you say really means something to me. Do you understand that? So even if you say something really small about my hair it hurts, a lot. Maybe that's a bit silly, but I'm your little girl and you don't want to hurt me do you? All I ask is that you try to say positive things to me. Can you try?"

'the reason you put up with such abuse is that deep down you're hoping that one day she will turn a corner and start being kind.'

That is exactly right. I still hope that she will turn out to love me after all.

In fact, logically I think she is jealous and insecure.

I don't know if I do love my mum - I kind of do and I don't. I think the reason she can hurt me is that I think I have everything covered, that I am inured to any insult - then something will get in through a chink in my armour. It's not the need for her to love me so much, it's that it reminds me that I don't have that love, the loving, genuinely caring mum I would like to have, and never did.

(I think! - but then that could all be part of the barrier I've put up... )

The reason I don't just stop contact or just give her a mouthful is because I feel too guilty and unable to hurt her. I think that's because I grew up trying to look after everyone and be responsible for everything and felt responsible for her emotionally.

I'm just wittering on but I posted this because the things people have said about loving her so much don't ring true with me. I think if you don't feel that love for a mum like this, that's OK too.

a bit of tall poppy syndrome going on, is there?

I'd be tempted to say "oh you're eyesight's playing you up again, we'll have to get you back to the optician" or similar. Feigned concern, intimating that she's getting old and infirm - can work wonders.

Thanks for the advice and sharing. This has been an enlightening read.
I'm not sure how to proceed from here - this is a recurring thing, but it isn't all the time. She can go months without going on the attack, and we seem to get on fine in the interim - she is CAPABLE of kindness and good humour, which makes the insults even harder to bear.
She does know she's doing it, because I've noticed she never does it in front of DH or DD. She tried that once over something really trivial and it backfired on her spectacularly (had a tantrum over me not buying fizzy drinks to go with fish and chips - DH intervened and DD laughed at her).

My mum is like what you have described... My mum is insanely rude to me. Called me fat goes through my handbag opens my letters but if I dare say something back well get it. She thinks that she da can say what she like and get away with it.

When you and your mother can't be friends is a good read in this situation.

Worst of all my mum is a well respected ex Headteacher and everyone thinks she's wonderful..I on the other hand think she is insane.

My mother is cow to anybody she thinks is beneath her and she's racist, she lives abroad. I have reached the stage of telling her she's being out of order but just can't get over her nastiness to me. I just need to stop caring.

After my mum's last missive detailing my latest faults and misdeeds, I decided to quietly and without fuss, cut ties. She's welcome to see the DGC when she likes but I'll drop off and pick up and no further.

Breathes a huge sigh of relief and reclaims self esteem.

I think a lot of mothers are jealous of their daughters. I feel my mother is jealous of me because I am so much more independent and outgoing than she was. She takes my confidence as arrogance. I think sometimes mothers envy their daughters for what they could have been. I only have sons, and I am glad for that. I would have hated to do to an innocent little girl what my mother did to me. She was negligent and emotionally abusive. Now that I'm an adult, she is still verbally abusive. I wish it didn't get to me, but it does. I would love to know how to become immune to her insults.

I'm struggling with this with my mum at the moment - she can never apologise, it's all my fault, the dramatics or crying when she doesn't like a conversation are ridiculous and when challenged she resorts to loudly repeating "fine, everyone will do what you want, we're all here to please Ryma" or "stop being so pathetic" etc. it's very difficult, I'm sorry I don't have any advice, I generally deal with it by dropping off her radar and waiting for her to make contact

My mother was like this too. Relieved not to be the only one whose mother was like this. I only realised when I was well into adulthood that it was deliberate because I refused to believe that she could be so nasty deliberately. I didn't put up with it in the end and just told her to shut up, regardless of the resulting trembly lip and dramatics. Everyone else thought she was a bloody saint, as she was outwardly kind and generous.

I sometimes catch myself behaving the same way towards my own dd, too.

I think the OP is right. Mother is trying to belitttle her to make herself feel better. OP: don't let her get to you-live your life according to your own wishes. You are an adult now and not accountable to your mother!

If I tried to calmly reasonably point out to my mother why her comments had stung she'd do a mock lady bracknell handbag clutching face at me. Like 'listen to you with your psycho babble, you're so El AY'. I think the best way is to say, 'just remembered i have to go' every time you hear something nasty. it's more pavlovian than mere reason.

I would advise a head turn, bitchy side eye, look her dead in the eyes and ask "...what's that now?"

If someone says something outrageous then it's okay to get slightly confrontational. If you aren't a master of the bitchy side eye and she simply repeats it, then I would keep eye contact, give her a long, slow look up and down and say "I see". Just keep staring at her until she gets uncomfortable.

The point is basically not to back down.

If she does it in front of friends, then don't hold back. Just say "oh ignore her, we think she might going senile".

She isn't the only one who can make cutting "jokes".

Woah zombie thread

hi everyone I am dealing with a dilemma.My mum has been controling me all my life I am married for 29yrs and have 6 children I always let her come between me and my husband but August last year I went with my boys to see her with gifts and she had an argument with my husband so she threw out me and my gifts out and my kids as result I have not spoken to her since what shall I do