Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mum keeps cleaning my house

54 replies

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 09:50

I am in my mid thirties with a DH and two young DCs. When DS was born three years ago my mum helped out loads with housework and washing while we adjusted to life with a newborn. But now she can't seem to stop! When she visits she seems to find it hard to relax and does the washing and cleans everywhere which in some ways is lovely but it tends to be accompanied with little digs about how we do things or don't do things. Our house is 'lived in' and we don't obsess about the state of it but it isn't a hovel. My mum even bosses my DH about telling him the bins need emptying etc. how does she think we manage when she isn't here?
I am starting to feel like she is overstepping her boundaries in our house. I think she wants to feel needed but she just makes us feel incompetent at being adults with our own home. My mum is single BTW and we live a few hours away so when she comes to us she stays the night.
I'm not sure how to resolve it. I've tried making jokey comments about it but not sure those are getting through.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/04/2012 09:54

I think you have to be blunt and say, "I love the help you give, but I'd rather you didn't give it, because the comments you make make me feel incompetent and ashamed. So next time you come, just don't help, okay?"

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 10:03

Thanks imperial
I think I'm avoiding a frank discussion about it because I don't want to seem ungrateful

OP posts:
MustControlFistOfDeath · 10/04/2012 10:05

Send her over to mine please. Does she cook aswell?

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 10:07

Nah she hates cooking. The help is great but the criticisms that go with it are not.

OP posts:
awbless · 10/04/2012 10:12

My parents did a lot for me when my DC's were small and I was working full time (my XH was worse than useless. They did to help and I was really really grateful.

However, much the same as your Mum, mine made comments as though I was incompetant (never been much of a cleaner tbh). I just ignored the comments 'cause I was grateful for the help. Mistake.

Dad was fine but mum went worse and it was as though she was 'in charge' of other aspects of our lives as well. We had a huge row (after I was 'summoned' to her house for her to have a go at me), one of the things I was accused of was 'leaving things for her to do'? Like the breakfast things still being in the sink when I left for work. I

I never asked her to do any of the things that she did and I let it get out of hand. Afterwards, when things had calmed down, I made a point of saying in a jokey way "don't be doing xxx" and "I'm not leaving this for you so don't do it". Things did get better (she's still tries to be in control but that's her nature - we just make a joke of it now).

So long-winded but my advice is nip it in the bud.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 10:14

My DM can't sit still either and seems to love cleaning, weeding my garden or doing other things around the place. I've long since given up feeling offended. Instead I put on a Brew and let everyone get on with it. Sarky comments aren't acceptable, obviously... but I find you can't hear them if you turn up the volume on the TV... :)

hariboegg · 10/04/2012 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dottyspotty2 · 10/04/2012 10:27

Had this with my MIL DH was off work ill I was trying to run the business 60 odd hour week do the house and look after the kids 3-7 including one with SN's she had digs at me constantly I'd come out of the shower to find her cleaning my house.

On one occasion when we just had DD1 she babysat whilst I went christmas shopping and rearranged my kitchen AND bedroom including going through my drawers.

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 10:27

Thanks all for the advice. The main cleaning frenzy happens once the DCs are in bed or early morning. I'd rather she sat down and relaxed but she can't seem to do it. She's like this when she stays at her friend's house too. It's probably just as well that we don't live a lot closer. My DM seems a bit incapable of recognising that this is our family home and not hers and how we live in it is up to us. DH and I would rather spend time with the DCs than clean all day.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 10:32

Just so I understand. Her cleaning doesn't prevent you and DH spending time with the DCs? Do your normal thing, don't take it so personally, let her get busy with the Marigolds and everyone's happy.

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 10:34

I try to ignore the comments but over the last few months they have been getting to me. I thought I wouldn't get nagged once I moved out of home. I used to get the comment "while you live under my roof it's my rules " etc relating to keeping my room tidy. Well it is our own place but the nagging continues.

OP posts:
FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 10:37

Sometimes it does because she delegates jobs to DH or me

OP posts:
FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 10:42

I think the main issue is probably not her cleaning but the criticisms. She has always been the same. It leaves me feeling a bit low TBH. I probably need to talk to her or ignore it. DH gets a bit fed up too but he's able to handle it.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 10/04/2012 11:02

I totally understand how you feel, both my parents are a bit like this. I remember once dad getting out of the car, and between the driveway and entering the house, he had found half a dozen things to criticize: 'that driveway needs fixing; your gutterings filthy, that bin needs a scrub"! Then I'd say "morning dad" and he'd walk in, touch the radiator, and say it was either too high, too low, depending on what setting it was on. I once got home from shopping after leaving mum with the kids when they were small for an hour, and found that she'd rearranged the furniture in the living room "much better this way, love" she said. It then got worse and worse, with her having a go at my housework - nothing was ironed well enough, cleaned properly, tidy enough.

So one day I thought sod it, had enough. When I next went round hers I rearranged her lounge whilst she was making the dinner. She went bloody mad. I think it got through to her how I felt!!

I don't think they realise how busy we are with kids and stuff. My parents are both retired, my mum has a busy life, but has all the time in the world to keep a tidy home - there's no teenagers messing it up, just the two of them. Mine have forgotten how busy it is in house full of kids. I'm on my own, and I work full time, so some things have to slide...I am happy with it, so tough if they aren't. I still get tut tuts from her when she visits, but I totally ignore them. It's my home, it isn't filthy, but it wouldn't impress Kim and Aggie either! So what, keep telling yourself that you're ok with it, and just ignore the criticisms, and tell mum that you appreciate her help, but certainly don't expect it.

Good luck

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 11:31

she delegates jobs to DH or me

WTF? That's absurd. Laugh at her next time she plays little corporal in your house. Or just say, "I don't want to clean the gutter, Mum", or "I don't think the gutter needs to be cleaned, Mum." or even, "Don't clean the house, Mum. I think it's fine as it is."

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 11:33

So one day I thought sod it, had enough. When I next went round hers I rearranged her lounge whilst she was making the dinner. She went bloody mad.

Grin that is just brilliant.

dottyspotty2 · 10/04/2012 11:35

I know my mil used to put me down in front of others thankfully once her daughter had her kid we hardly saw her she died last year but her daughter used to get her to clean her house before she had visitors.

If I was you I'd just tell her straight look mum I appreciate your help but this is my home not a showhouse and we like it as it is.

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 11:36

I love that saffysmum that's inspired and I may have to try something like that Grin
The situation is ridiculous really.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 10/04/2012 11:39

You have to be very, very blunt. Can your DH say something? She is not respecting the fact that you are now a grown woman with your own home and family.

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 11:43

He does respond to comments as they arise. Last weekend it was "felicity is messy she never puts anything away". So he said he was worse than me. And I am grateful for what she does and I always say thank you for her help

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/04/2012 12:58

He does respond to comments as they arise. Last weekend it was "felicity is messy she never puts anything away". So he said he was worse than me.

That's hardly telling her off, though, is it? More like: "Here, kick me instead."

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2012 13:16

He should have said, "It is Felicity's house, MIL. If she wants to be messy, she can be."

fiventhree · 10/04/2012 13:31

Well, clearly she is not reasonable, more particularly the comments.

MY MiL is not like this, so I am probably not in touch with the feelings involved.

But can I also play devils advocate?

When my second set of 3 kids were born (three in four years) I also had an older teenager and a young adult son, old enough to have partners at various times.

I used to go to an NCT group and also a couple of other kids and mums get togethers, and the favourite subject was mothers and MiLs.

This is what I gleaned-

  • those who dont help are lazy and possibly expect to be waited on
  • those who do are really trying to point out your inadequacies, whether they voice them or not.
-those who dont look after children for free are disinterested, and dont appreciate our concerns/money issues -those who do are harridans who try to control the GCs, and usually offer too many sweets etc.

I did remember thinking god help me, this could be me too in a couple of years time, I had better watch out and be mindful.

I do think it is an impossible line to walk along without making a few slips.

That isnt to say that some arent worse/better than others, of course. But we will have to match up ourselves one day!

starfishmummy · 10/04/2012 13:39

I think this could be tricky unless you want a major falling out!! COuld you direct her to jobs that you would like some help with?

My MIL just used to turn up and do jobs that she thought needed doing. Cue me with a huge pile of washing (baby who was sick all the time) and her insisting that she would take the nets down and wash them......leaving us to put them back.

Couple of years ago she came and weeded the tubs in our front garden. We were away, she hadn't asked us, and as she doesn't drive it was a properly organised thing (not just spur of the moment) as she would have had to have had lifts (and brought the gardening tools). Unfortunately we returned to bare tubs - all my herbs and ornamental grasses had been weeded out........
We said nothing. So of course she had to mention it - full of herself for doing a big favour - so I mentioned that all my herbs had gone, so she brought me a straggly bit of mint as a replacement.

FelicityElectricity · 10/04/2012 13:46

Yes it must be impossible to get it right all the time as a DM/MIL. Again it's not really the help but the ongoing criticisms that's the problem. Maybe DH should say something outright next time

OP posts: