My mum keeps cleaning my house

[FelicityElectricity]

I am in my mid thirties with a DH and two young DCs. When DS was born three years ago my mum helped out loads with housework and washing while we adjusted to life with a newborn. But now she can't seem to stop! When she visits she seems to find it hard to relax and does the washing and cleans everywhere which in some ways is lovely but it tends to be accompanied with little digs about how we do things or don't do things. Our house is 'lived in' and we don't obsess about the state of it but it isn't a hovel. My mum even bosses my DH about telling him the bins need emptying etc. how does she think we manage when she isn't here?
I am starting to feel like she is overstepping her boundaries in our house. I think she wants to feel needed but she just makes us feel incompetent at being adults with our own home. My mum is single BTW and we live a few hours away so when she comes to us she stays the night.
I'm not sure how to resolve it. I've tried making jokey comments about it but not sure those are getting through.

My mum lets herself in while I am at work. Cleans the house ( not complaining). What gets me is when I get in she phones to tell me how long it took her, what a state my house is and how tired she is and moans about the general upkeep of my house . Have mentioned on more than one occasion that I have never actually asked her for help. Would rather live in a tip than have to be forever grateful for something I did not ask for !!!

That's appalling, redwine. Change the locks?

That's it redwine
I remember being told if I didn't do something with good grace there was no point in me doing it. My DM appears to resent what she does for us so I tell her not to worry but she does it anyway. She asked DH if she could help him with the cooking and he asked if she would mind preparing some potatoes. She moaned then about him buying ones that need the mud washing off. He said don't worry then, I'll do it. She said she would do it anyway. She thinks she's making a jokey comment.

No, she doesn't think she's making a jokey comment - that's her cover. What she's doing is engineering situations where she can put you down, in order to make herself feel briefly superior.

It's very tiresome behaviour. And comes from a place of such deep insecurity that it's unlikely to change. People like her have convinced themselves that everyone else is mad/bad/out to get them in order to avoid feeling bad about themselves (which is what they really feel, deep down, but they've buried it too deep to admit).

Thanks hotdamn
I do feel she has self esteem issues. Her own mother was hyper critical and extremely house proud. I can accept that she won't change. I think I just need to work out how to manage the comments. At the moment I manage them by seeing and talking to her a bit less. She admits she is a negative person. Spending a lot of time with her starts to make me a bit miserable. She is wonderful with the DCs though.

How about looking her in the eye and saying "I really appreciate the help mum, but really don't appreciate any negative comments about how I/we keep house". If she makes a negative comment - rinse, repeat until it sinks in.

There's something about being blunt with her that makes me nervous. I need to just say it don't I.

There's something about being blunt with her that makes me nervous.

Totally normal feeling. But ask yourself: what's the worst that could happen? She gets huffy, or blows up at you. And? She turns it on you. And? Is the blame yours to carry, or are you confident that you are right to state what you will and will not accept from her?

Mine tidies up,but doesn't put things in the right place,so I either can't find them or have to re tidy the tidying.
In order to stop this I try to leave the place tidy if she's looking after the kids and I'm out.
But it causes stress and adds work for me.It really is starting to feel a problem for me too - but I know she'd be horribly offended if I said something so I just grin and bear it.I wish she would do the dusting instead or run the hoover round if she feels she needs to do something...I really dislike the whole,'Mums round tomorrow so I need to tidy up ready' thing.

Skinny: you are stressed and inconvenienced. If you voice that, you say she will be offended. Is avoiding her being offended worth the cost of your continued stress and inconvenience?

And I feel if I have a few minutes peace to myself I have to fib and pretend to Mum that I haven't been being lazy,or make sure I've made the best use of my time.
Because she does stuff I feel accountable to her for having lazy time,as I should then really be doing what she is doing (but I haven't asked her to do....)

It shouldn't be Hot, but I find upsetting people so hard,especially when what they are doing is coming from a good place.

Because she does stuff I feel accountable to her

...and that's what makes her a very good manipulator.

You are not accountable to her. Nor are any of the posters on this thread accountable to any of their mothers about the state of their own homes.

My mum has a key as she does all our gardening ( we not all all interested in gardening ) so she comes when I am at work...fair enough and I really appreciate it otherwise would look like a jungle !! I have now been brave and have told her that I do not need her to do my housework. My new plan is that if she does do it again I won't thank her ( rude but tactic may work????)
Oh have also had took her not to do my washing when here.....don't really want mother washing my knickers age 41 ( me not the knickers )

You are perfectly entitled to say "I appreciate you wanting to help, but it causes more work for me in the end."

A reasonable person will appreciate you telling them, and be sorry that they caused you trouble.

An insecure manipulator will turn it on you in order to avoid what they feel to be "blame" - their kryptonite.

If you are afraid to tell your mother something really quite straightforward, it's because you know she will react like an insecure manipulator, with affront/denial/rage/blame/martyrdom.

ha ha sounds familiar. Mine empties the dishwasher contents and places it in little piles around the kitchen because she doesnt know where to put it (despite having lived with us previously for six months). Does any washing that "I have left for her" in the sink, dries it and then adds that to the piles, re-arranges the cutlery drawer in the order that she likes it (freaks me out) and irons my sons and husbands clothes but not mine because my clothes are 'fiddly'. She never sits still for a minute when she comes around, and often finds many negative things to comment on (state of carpet - was it a cheap one?, must clean the windows with vinegar - it will get the carpet stains out too..... and so on. Irritates me but hey, it lessens the workload!

Just to say when you are blunt, expect tears!

I had to mention something similar to my mum. She cried, a lot - she's very lovely, but something of a strong personality and does like things her own way!

I explained that I was sorry that I'd upset her but "wasn't it good that we had the kind of relationship that we can say when things bother us...!!" I think it placated her a bit, despite the fact that she thought I was being completely unreasonable.

I'm still blunt (read rude) enough to just tell her when things annoy me. As such, I have a better relationship with her than my sister who is (nicer) quieter and just lets annoyance build under the surface.

Oh my god...

She asked DH if she could help him with the cooking and he asked if she would mind preparing some potatoes. She moaned then about him buying ones that need the mud washing off. He said don't worry then, I'll do it. She said she would do it anyway. She thinks she's making a jokey comment.

I think we might be sisters

My DM does this - asks if she can help, you offer her a job, she either:
a) moans about it and tells you why she can't do it or
b) moans about it and tells you why, if you had done such and such differently (subtext - her way), you wouldn't be needing to ask her for help in the first place.

I'm afraid I have nothing helpful to add on this, but I do feel your pain!

It's not about whether what she's doing is useful; she's undermining you and thats not acceptable. You need to tell her you'd prefer if she left things as they are, or she won't know it's an issue. If she doesn't respect your wishes or wants to know why you don't like it, then mention the comments and how they make you feel.

Its tricky isn't it. When the Dts initially came home my mil did loads to help, and we were very appreciative. Sh'ed sometimes deal with washing up in the sink for example. A couple of weeks in and I'd progressed to managing breakfast most mornings, but not always clearing up from it. No biggie, it can all get chucked in the dishwasher when dh comes home. And we were pretty much on top of things by then between us.

Mil gave me a 5 minute lecture on why I should make porridge with water rather than milk as it would require less soaking.

I just stood there with my mouth open, thinking how DO you decide to tell another grown up what ingredients to put in their breakfast on the off chance you might occasionally wash it up?

I was blunt to my mother about another issue in October I've not seen her since or spoken to her since November that was only because she left her glasses in a shop she got my brother to collect them.

What irked me was she got a bus over an hour it takes to where I am from her and she didn't even come for a cuppa.

My mum once came to my home shortly after I was ill. Without me asking or even being there.
She cleaned a bit, fine. But then started with all the criticism.

We ended up having a bust up, but I did manage to tell her that it was the way she phrased things. I managed to be the adult and she basically acted childish. IMO. :o

But... It did set rules and she is took a step back.
Curiously, my sis doesn't have fights with her but she tends to avoid her, whereas I may actually be a bit closer.

A friend of mine complains of the same and it stresses her out because her mum makes it all about her. She supposedly goes to her home to help but just orders her about.

I think these women need to be needed and in control and even the criticism is about both aspects.

Just saying that sometimes it's best to say things and not let people walk over you.

I did:
I'm sorry... But...

She accepted the apology just after I said sorry :o but was thrown of by the But :o

I sometimes manage to put my point across to my dad, who I know will talk to her.

I think I'm going to try saying something like "I really appreciate the help but I feel like you don't approve of the way we do things in our own home because of the things you say. "
Still working on it..
I do think she needs to be needed. She lives alone and although she won't admit it I think she is a bit lonely.

Unfortunately my parents aren't together any more or that would have been another option