1st year of marriage is not what I expected

[justtryingtodomybest]

After being single for a (very) long time, I got married for the first time last year. DH is divorced (long before I met him) and has 3 teenage DSs from his first marriage. They don't live with us but visit fairly often.

I always knew that there might be issues along the way as we were both used to being on our own and doing our own thing. But I feel like I'm the only one who has made any compromises.

DH does very little to nothing around the house. After a significant amount of nagging prompting, he will do some things but only certain tasks - he has never cleaned the toilet or put a washing on, for example. We both work full time so I think the household tasks should be split equally.

I earn more than DH so when we moved in together we agreed a split of the household expenses based on what we each earn. He gives me money every week but refuses to set up a standing order for this and insists on giving me cash. And then he'll say things like "Here's your money" or "I forgot to get your money today". I know it's very pedantic of me but I feel the need to point out to him that it's not my money - it's his share of the household bills. The house and all the bills are in my name - he wouldn't even know which supplier we're with for utilities or anything.

There have been a few issues with one DSS in particular. He brought friends back to the house when we were away despite being specifically told not to. He also brought his girlfriend back at 3am one night even though we'd said she wasn't to stay over. Household items were broken when his friends were round but we were never given an apology or offered any money to replace the items. I have asked DH to address this more than once but he constantly avoids the issue.

He is obsessed with the TV and sport in particular and will spend hours watching it in the evenings and at weekends. He won't even turn off the TV if he leaves the room to do something else - even if he's going out to the shop! He will watch any old rubbish rather than turning it off which makes any kind of conversation extremely difficult.

We sleep in separate rooms most of the time. DH has to be up very early for work and says I disturb him with all my "faffing about" when I come to bed (that is taking off my make-up, brushing my teeth etc.). There is very little physical contact in our relationship at all. Since we met I have gone up a dress size (to a size 16 so not totally ridiculous) and he has made it quite clear that he's not happy about that.

I feel more like a housekeeper than a wife. This isn't what it should be like, is it?

(Sorry for the length of this post - once I started typing, I couldn't stop!)

OP you are quite right that the 1st year of marriage should not be like this. No year of marriage should be like this.

You really need to cut your losses ASAP. Kick him out, start divorce proceedings and move on.

Heartbreaking that your big sister has seen how it's affecting you so badly

I'm shocked that you married him in the first place tbh, did he have none of these awful characteristics when you were engaged?

x posted with 2blessed. Why do you think this is the best you deserve? Because it isn't. Honestly, it isn't.

Didn't you talk to your DH before you married? Get some idea of his personality, whether he was kind, sharing or a selfish twat?

How can you get to marriage without knowing what he's like? Surely there would have been red flags all over the shop

Oh, and in all the 30 or so years we have been together/married, despite some really, really hard times, I have never had a year when I felt so unloved and unsupported as your Op comes across. If this is what he is like now, how is he ever going to support you when outside things make your life hard? We have gone through bereavements, MC', ill health (us and DCs), financial hardship, and I can honestly say, DH and I have truly supported each other through it all. Your Op and that of your sister, give the impression that the most your H can support, is his favourite footy team.

Sorry, I am all for working on a relationship, but yours doesn't sound as though there is anything to work on - it sounds like a house share arrangement, not a marriage.

Thought I would give a bit of an update seeing as you were all so good as to respond to my original post.

I had a very long talk with DH on Tuesday and I think he was genuinely shocked at how I am feeling. He promised to try harder but I still have reservations.

He admitted my weight is a problem for him although he tried to say he was only concerned for my health. Although he did then acknowledge that I go to the gym regularly and have a better diet than him. When I pointed out how shallow this is and that he should love me for who I am he tried to backtrack and agree with me. But it is obviously a fundamental issue for him and I don't see how he can just change his mind - unless he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

His drinking is also an ongoing concern for me. I've tried to be relaxed about it because I don't drink much at all so don't really know how much is too much. But I bought a six pack of beer yesterday - he got home about 4pm yesterday and there are already only 2 bottles left.

He is away to watch his team today and when I came downstairs at 8.30am he was already drinking beer. He couldn't see why I thought that was unacceptable.

He's never going to change, is he?

No. He will never change. OP I'm sorry but you've hitched your wagon to a right wanker. The good news though is that he'll be easy to get rid of as the house and everything is in your name and you've only been married less than a year.

He's actually made himself incredibly vulnerable by leeching off you. You can call the shots here and still walk away with everything (except a shitty marriage to a twat.) Hope he's got a plan b. The arrogant moron.

The longer you leave to get out - the worse it will be and the more money he'll try to get in the settlement. It sounds, no offence, that because you were single for a long time that you are willing to put up with more crap than most. He must have thought he'd hit the jackpot when he'd met you - a wealthy housekeeper with low self esteem. Seriously this is no relationship - you would be much much better off on your own. Better alone than poorly accompanied hon xx

I found the first year of living together pretty hard, I was in my early thirties and very set in my ways BUT at least we had fun together, and had a great physical relationship, this sounds really awful, as you say, you must feel like a live-in housekeeper.

I would be more worried by the lack of passion (separate beds don't necessarily mean lack of passion, but here they do) than anything. If this is disastrous a year in, what's going to change? And I think one of the best things about marriage is having someone to cuddle.

Having said that, we have had times in which there was little cuddling and lots of hostility, especially in times of great stress. But this doesn't sound like this, this sounds really really dull with a lack of affection. Was it drastically different before marriage? Are you planning on having children? It all sounds like you may be right you've made a bit of a mistake.

No, he won't change.

It's his fundamental attitude to you that is the problem. He sees cleaning as your role because you are female. Your needs will always come second to his because that is what he genuinely believes is right.

It would be interesting to ask him what he thinks you do for him as his wife. I bet he doesn't mention anything about emotional support or companionship or conversation. He will say you cook and clean and take care of me.

Right, so you try and have a talk with him - and the key way he responds is to cast around for an 'issue' belonging to YOU that he can focus things on, thereby making 'the situation' partly or mainly your fault?

What, he can't bear to divide housework equally, pull his weight financially, be supportive and loving to you, actually spend time with you instead of staring at the TV, but that's mainly YOUR fault because you have put on weight over the last year?

Right.

No, he isn't going to change. He is who he is, you have now realised that. Please, please don't sentence yourself to a miserable, lonely, pretty sexless life being sponged off by a lazy, boring, mean-spirited WANKER.

No, he's not going to change.

You can change your own life here, OP. You can be happy again. Are you prepared to do what it takes?

Kick him into touch. You went into this full of love, hope and normal expectations of married life in the 21st century. You haven't done a thing wrong - you're even taken the trouble to explain, repeatedly, what and why your expectations are reasonable. He is choosing not to hear you.

I don't think you'll see any but a short-term, superficial change intended to keep you in hand. Moreover, it's absurd to try and change the husband you've got into a better one. There's no way at all that you should be sacrificing your autonomy, freedoms and even your mental health to the selfish requirements of another. Forgive yourself and get back to single life asap!

I think you would be much, much happier if you ended this marriage. He offers you nothing.
I'm sorry he has put you in this situation.

Even if his lousy behaviour of you is "caused" by you going up a dress size, what is going to happen if you have an accident or get ill. Is he going to look after you? Is he going to work harder to support you financially? What about when you get old, can you see the two of you supporting each other?
That is what marriage is about (for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health).

The weight issue has to be a red herring, surely? You've gone up one dress size. Which means you are, to all intents and purposes, almost exactly the same size as you were before. I'm not saying it would be acceptable if your weight had changed significantly, just saying that in this case it simply cannot be motivated by anything other than a desire to upset you/exploit the situation to keep the upper hand. How can it be a problem for him? How would he even really know?

Why are you not sharing household tasks equally? And no, his drinking is not acceptable.

Which basically begs the question of why you would stay with this man. I honestly cannot see how this situation would improve in any real way.

Okay you talked, he listened, acknowledged and theb less than 24 hours later he ignored.

What more proof do you need that he will not change, he has given you lip service only.
Quit now while you are ahead and before he takes you financially to the cleaners

Apparently having a beer at 8.30am is acceptable because his team was in the semi-final - and he's on holiday this week. Not sure that his liver would agree. But apparently I am being unreasonable!

Ugh, what a loser.

The weight thing is a red-herring. One measly dress size is a non-issue, but he needs something to latch onto to make you feel shite about yourself (and take the focus away from his many failings). Even if you had put on a lot of weight, the fact that you're on AD's should make him think that he should be building up your self-esteem, but noooo he wants to make you feel worse.

I'd get out before you waste any more time on this wanker.