1st year of marriage is not what I expected

[justtryingtodomybest]

After being single for a (very) long time, I got married for the first time last year. DH is divorced (long before I met him) and has 3 teenage DSs from his first marriage. They don't live with us but visit fairly often.

I always knew that there might be issues along the way as we were both used to being on our own and doing our own thing. But I feel like I'm the only one who has made any compromises.

DH does very little to nothing around the house. After a significant amount of nagging prompting, he will do some things but only certain tasks - he has never cleaned the toilet or put a washing on, for example. We both work full time so I think the household tasks should be split equally.

I earn more than DH so when we moved in together we agreed a split of the household expenses based on what we each earn. He gives me money every week but refuses to set up a standing order for this and insists on giving me cash. And then he'll say things like "Here's your money" or "I forgot to get your money today". I know it's very pedantic of me but I feel the need to point out to him that it's not my money - it's his share of the household bills. The house and all the bills are in my name - he wouldn't even know which supplier we're with for utilities or anything.

There have been a few issues with one DSS in particular. He brought friends back to the house when we were away despite being specifically told not to. He also brought his girlfriend back at 3am one night even though we'd said she wasn't to stay over. Household items were broken when his friends were round but we were never given an apology or offered any money to replace the items. I have asked DH to address this more than once but he constantly avoids the issue.

He is obsessed with the TV and sport in particular and will spend hours watching it in the evenings and at weekends. He won't even turn off the TV if he leaves the room to do something else - even if he's going out to the shop! He will watch any old rubbish rather than turning it off which makes any kind of conversation extremely difficult.

We sleep in separate rooms most of the time. DH has to be up very early for work and says I disturb him with all my "faffing about" when I come to bed (that is taking off my make-up, brushing my teeth etc.). There is very little physical contact in our relationship at all. Since we met I have gone up a dress size (to a size 16 so not totally ridiculous) and he has made it quite clear that he's not happy about that.

I feel more like a housekeeper than a wife. This isn't what it should be like, is it?

(Sorry for the length of this post - once I started typing, I couldn't stop!)

Just in response to those asking why the OP didn't know this before she got married - It is possible for people's behaviour to change after marriage. Or for things that seemed to be only a small worry to escalate after marriage. 'Wifework' contains some good material about the way 'being married' triggers a switch (as compared with living together) to behaviors modeled on ideas they have about marriage and what a wife 'should' do and what a 'husband' shall do. .

Right, do you want to be with him? Because it doesn't sound like you do, and the reasons are obvious - all have been pointed out above.

I can see what he gets out of this - and why he wanted to marry - I can't see a single positive for you.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you've made your bed etc. No, it shouldn't be like this. No, it's unlikely that he will change. The first year should be the honeymoon period FFS! He sounds AWFUL.

If you're going to split do it quickly, before this lucky parasite has a claim on your home.

God it sounds awful; I'm so sorry for you.

If you are going to split, I agree that you should do it sooner rather than later, for your health, for your finances, and for your happiness.

No, this is not normal - although I DO think the first year of marriage is the hardest.

I have to ask - why are you doing all of this? Is it because you wanted to be married?

The TV sport thing is awful. I know, an ex of mine was like this, it was unbearable and so intrusive. It really wore me down: the lack of imagination, the repetitiveness, the indiscriminate crap.

Why did you decide to marry him?

Do you love him?

Your life together sounds dreadful.

Did you live together before you married?

where did this sponger and his sons live before they got lucky and found you?

I don't think the first year is the hardest, but if it's like this only a year in, it's not going to last.

You're just not compatible. If you were good friends and your sex life was rewarding, some of the problems you outline could be ironed out. It's not unusual for step-children to push boundaries or for the non-biological parent to find their behaviour irritating and unacceptable. Your financial arrangements sound awful and if you told us that you were the lower earner and you were expected to pay for everything 50-50, I would say that was unfair and not compatible within a partnership where finances should ideally be pooled, or bills paid pro-rata to each party's earnings.

But you have no conversation, your husband seems to regard you as a housekeeper, you have no sex, he criticises your appearance, he is a telly bore and to cap it all, you're on anti-depressants.

I wish doctors would ask more questions about their patients' personal relationships before doling out medication. I'm convinced there are more women on tablets who are unhappy and in the wrong relationships than there are suffering from genuine depression. It seems to me that as a nation, so many women get medicated in order to stay in relationships that are no longer fit for purpose.

It's no failure to say you got it wrong and made a mistake - and it's very unlikely that this will get any better at all.

Chardon you made a very accurate point about so many women on AD because they're in unhappy marriages.
I actually asked my doctor for them once but she refused saying I just needed counselling for my problems not medication. I left in tears cause I didn't get them, I really wanted a quick fix just so i could cope with my life and continue with all my duties (work, kids, house etc).
However it was no to be and I had to wait until it was my turn on the waiting list for the counselling. I went for 10 sessions. They were great - so, so helpful. It's very hard work going over all your past and discussing painful things but you have to do it for your mental health and your future. You can only sweep things under the carpet for so long.
Things have improved so much. My husband got counselling too actually, from someone else. It's a bit embarrassing to admit that but it's saved our relationship. We communicate all the time now. It's so very very worth trying.
If that fails though, I'd chuck the whole thing and move on with your life.

I'm in my first year of marriage (together almost 7 years) and people who say it's meant to be the hardest-WTF?! It's you & your new husband all blissed up, smug, sex, contentment etc.
You aren't happy OP and your husband sounds uninterested in this fact and not particularly pleasant to be around. Only you can decide if you're happy to do this for the rest of your life, or get a divorce...he won't change as he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong...

i cant see how or why the first year of marriage would be the hardest?

Unless of course its a truly shit relationship, but you become more resigned to it after a year?

Op, how long have you been together? Did you cohabit before getting married and find that he has changed after tying the knot?

In my view, best be single than endure that life. Xx

OP, you've picked a dud. Accept it and dump him.

He's awful. Truly awful. You are a meal ticket to him. You are a cleaner to him. You are someone he feels free to criticise in the most personal way. You are someone he feels free to reject, sexually. You are someone he doesn't want to chat with (or more likely doesn't have anything to chat about.)

You are on ADs because of him.

Chalk this one up to experience. Tell him to get out of your house and that you are going to divorce him the minute the year is up.

Keep posting throughout and I promise you soon you will feel years younger and as though a (12 stone) load has lifted off your shoulders.

he sounds like a really bad catch

Sounds like the first year of my marriage...took 14 years and an escalation of all his abuse before I realised that it wasn't supposed to be like this. It never got better, I couldn't change enough to keep the peace and he never took responsibility for anything. I believed the lie that the first year is the hardest...and am a person who "believes" in marriage and commitment so i didn't think I could get out.

I hope your OH is not like this...but I would not be surprised if even in counselling he remains a selfish man-child...then you will know.

No this absolutely isn't what it "should" be like. I've never heard this "first year is the hardest" thing, in my experience the first year should be the honeymoon period and one of the best bits. But he is already showing his true colours, and sounds likely to get worse rather than better.

If you can be bothered, you could suggest counselling - but I suspect he would refuse anyway, as everything's fine from his point of view, he has a nice cushy life being looked after and doing as he pleases! But I would be tempted not to bother and just to dump him before you get pulled in further.

It would also be a good idea to be very careful with your precautions if there's any risk of you becoming pregnant. A baby with this useless lump would complicate things a lot more...

Just read this again and find myself thinking, "What a hateful pig of a man!" Please, please kick him out on his ear - he is just too pathetic to waste your life on.

Aw love,
There are all sorts of marriages, but even stretching the definition, this looks like he's a bit of a cocklodger to be honest. Or incredibly clueless and selfish.
No shame in ending it now. At least then you can do all this work for yourself.
All the best.

It doesn't sound like much fun to me. Lots of the things you mention might be fine in themselves (sleeping in separate beds, separate bank accounts etc) if that's the way a couple prefer to do things, but it doesn't seem like it's working for you.

He's more interested in watching tv than having conversations or intimacy with you, seems annoyed by your existence, criticises your weight, doesn't pull his weight with chores or take any responsibility for the household? Not sure what you're getting out this situation really!

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what's going on here, whether he really wants a marriage, or just someone to provide him with a home and housekeeping/laundry services.

Agree with Charbon.

He wont improve and now you know why his first wife and he are not together any more.

He wanted someone to 'look after him', involving you in a great deal of change, whilst he continues as before. In fact worse, because when he was single he must have looked after himself. Some men do see women this way.

My own h forgot how to wipe his arse practically within weeks of moving in with me years ago, and it was the source on many a long argument, which I never really won, (OK, in part, but god, the hassle) and which ended with me going part time to save my sanity after kids came along, despite being the major earner at the time.

But he wasnt as sexist as this man sounds, didnt bring step children for me to look after, and the sex was not crap at all.

So sadly, I think you are onto a loser here.

So sorry to be so blunt, I am not usually one of the 'leave him' brigade. You dont have kids, either. Just imagine that!

He isnt a baby- he knows what he is doing, and he doesnt care what you think.

I'm struggling to see what is in this relationship for you (it is easy to see what is in it for him!). And I've never heard before that the first year of marriage is supposed to be the hardest. For me, it brought an unexpected contentment. I had never really been interested in marriage but I found that I did feel pleasantly different afterwards.

when we moved in together we agreed a split of the household expenses based on what we each earn

Does this mean that he pays less than half of the outgoings?

It's easy to see what benefits this man has gained by marrying you, but what advantage has married life given you over the single state?

Exactly what ImperialBlether said, sorry OP.

Reading your post as an impartial observer your 'D'H has a truly cushy ride; wealthy wife, house provided, not accepting shared responsibilty for the joint household...not good.

By all means, try to resolve these issues if you can, but I suspect he's quite happy to remain ignorant of any demands beyond his own.

Get out, and quickly, before he can claim any substantial legal access to your hard earned £££.

Disclaimer - I am justtryingtodomybest 's big sister, so not exactly impartial here. She has been more than fair to her H in her OP - hasn't mentioned that he's never learnt to drive, but expects lifts for himself and the dss - not a problem necessarily, but anytime petrol or mot or repair is required, he says "its not my car", drinks quite heavily ( and sometimes is ill in hotel rooms after drinking heavily - which she cleans up, and he doesn't apologise for), and wouldn't let her put all the plants in the garden that she wanted to, because "he needs space to kick a ball around" - the man is 50 years old ffs!
I have been begging her for months to get rid of him - its breaking my heart to see my lovely, kind, gentle sister being squashed down by him...I just hope she'll listen to all of you.

I have a certain sympathy for the idea that the first year of marriage is the hardest. But that is based on my own experience and I think it does matter whether you have lived together first. We didn't - it wasn't as acceptable in the late 70's and early 80's as it is now ( more accepted for those on a second relationship than a first IME), the most time we had spent together was when we had a couple of holidays together, but after the fortnight, it was each back home to their parents' houses and back to 'dating'. For us, the first year was the year when we were getting used to each others little foibles - leaving the lid off the toothpaste, dropping dirty socks on the floor instead of in the wash bin, etc etc. and yes, there were some (minor) disagreements but, over the course of that year, we each leaned to compromise about certain things. It doesn't sound as though that is what is happening for you though.

I understand that it is more complicated when there are step children ( I was a step child), but I don't see that it should be quite as difficult as it appears from your OP. You sound very down and almost resigned to the way things are. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that if I had felt the way you do after the first year, I would have been heading for the divorce courts fairly sharpish!

Sad as it is, I think I would be looking into ending this marriage, you deserve far, far better than this.

well in terms of whether this manner of living is good for you OP, I think we will all post on here that it isn't. What you feel for your husband is something else of course, we don't know and I expect it is hard for you to imagine divorcing just one year after marriage and obviously you had hoped for something different.

I think it sounds like a dead end with this man unfortunately. If you could imagine getting a divorce, I would suggest you see a lawyer and get some good advice. As I understood it, you own the house and he moved into it, also you are the higher earner. Have a look into the legal situation and then armed with all that knowledge, go off on holiday without him and give it a good long think and when you come back, make up your mind.