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Original poster

Get married/split up?

48 replies

puggirl · 09/04/2012 20:00

I have been with BF for 10 yrs nearly. Lived together for 3 yrs. I accept I was slow to get home together but once bitten etc in previous relationship and I wanted to get a house of my own which I rent out.

He sold one of his homes (rents a property out with a mate too) and we both paid same deposit and split fees 50:50. He had £70k profit left and used this to pay for renovations and extension. I was happy to live in house in it's current ( as was) state but he insisted on doing it up.

He is very savvy/frugal/tight with money and this is often the source of most of our disagreements.

I am lately feeling v conscious I am not getting any younger, striking 37 soon and he is 40. Neither of us married before and no children. Over the last 2 yrs there have been around 3-5 occasions of horrible rows culminating with him saying ' we will get married and have a family' etc. He never mentions it again and I am the one that brings it up months later only for the discussion to go exactly the same way.

I mentioned it we'd night and again today. He always seems horrified. Surely we should get on well before we think of this etc? I say everyone has differences but if after 10yrs you still don't know then I don't really have any more time to waste.

The whole BH has been a disaster, we are nor speaking now and I look like a puffer fish from crying.

Sorry for gigantic post but hoping for some replies, what would you do? Has anyone been in similar situation - what happened? Do you stay and accept no marriage and probably no children or take the hurt and stand by your principles and go in the hope that someone
else will come along and it will work out? I am desperately confused and when I speak to close friends they give me their opinion if the whole situation through their eyes as they know both of us.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 09/04/2012 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

awbless · 09/04/2012 20:04

Aere you happy? Or are you just putting up with it/him hoping that things will change?

If the former then fine, if the latter - leave, stop wasting your life. It's too bloody short. And yes someone else will come along - they always do!

AmethystMoon · 09/04/2012 20:06

Are either deal breakers? Personally marriage doesn't bother me ( been there done that) but no children I could see could lead to bitter resentment once it becomes too late. I'd that happens you won't have much of a relationship left. You need to have a good long hard think about what you want and need to be happy, good luck

Greatherbert · 09/04/2012 20:08

Oh love. No way is this going to work for you. Marriage is hard enough when you could eat the other person up and never foresee any problems/falling outs or general being cross with each other over mundane stuff.
I would call it quits. It will be a wrench but the better option I think.

StrawberryMojito · 09/04/2012 20:12

You don't mention how you actually feel about him. If time wasn't an issue and you're finances weren't tied, would you even want to marry him? I presume he's not stupid and knows about decreasing fertility, so does he really want children? I'm sorry but I suspect that he's not suddenly going to propose (although what do I know) and you wouldn't want to force him into it anyway, so maybe time to decide what you want more, him or the chance of meeting someone who wants the same things you do.

ToothbrushThief · 09/04/2012 20:17

I would want to be married to the man who fathered my children. Having children is a BIG commitment.

If he's not happy to proceed after all this time... he's never going to be

Sorry. I'd cut your losses. Hard to accept but if it is that important to you, you need to find someone who shares that value

squeakytoy · 09/04/2012 20:18

You can get married at any age.. doesnt matter if you have been together 30 years or more... but kids are a different thing. 37 isnt old, but it is also quite late, especially if you discover (as I sadly did) that there are fertility issues.

If you have been together for ten years, and he is showing no inclination to want to start a family, then I would say cut your losses now and run, rather than wait around until it absolutely is too late. Men are ok, they dont have a body clock that limits them. I have known men in their 50's suddenly decide they want to have a family.. that option is not one for women.

Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with each other?

Original poster
puggirl · 09/04/2012 21:18

I do love him and would be happy to get married and possibly start a family if we both wanted that. As things stand I can't help but feel he thinks getting married will entitle me to half his -brewsters millions- money he spent on extension. He says he doesn't think he ever wants to get married, and doesn't really expand on the having a family conversation. I get upset and he generally placates the situation then never brings it up again.

I dread the whole splitting up/agreeing the finances.

I am really confused but I think if I dint have children I would rather that is because I can't or decide not to, not because my partner decides it isn't for him at the moment then buggers off and dies it when he is 50 and I am on HRT by then.

I can't help but think, rose tinted spectacles aside, if he was sure about me and loved me he would want to get married?

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/04/2012 21:19

I agree with the others.

I have seen friends (male and female) dragging out relationships, even swearing they don't believe in marriage, only for them to find someone else, get married and have children.

You'll probably better off leaving him and freeing yourself for someone who deserves you.

Fanty · 09/04/2012 21:34

I left. He was an alcoholic cokehead scrounger so nay prize but i loved him and wS v upset. Overriding sadness was, thats it, no kids. Two years later i was married to a wonderful fella curently snoringbaway beside me, lol, and we have our baby. I have friends in the same situation as i was and i keep saying to them that its not always a case of better the devil you know.

Some rhinfs you xant compromise on, imo.

legoballoon · 09/04/2012 21:38

Throw in the towel, give yourself a year to get over him. Start dating nice blokes - lay your cards on the table early on (no timewasters need apply) - and come back in 3 years to announce the birth of your DC. xx

rightchoice · 09/04/2012 21:42

It pretty much sounds like you would have to drag him down the aisle kicking and screaming, not very romantic IMO. Not a good start, as he obviously does not feel you get on together. He always seems horrified. Surely we should get on well before we think of this etc

He seems horrified, I would be out of the door before you could blink.

Gumby · 09/04/2012 21:47

Have you ever told him you're leaving?

His reaction will be all you need to know

Or ultimatum time - we either try for a baby this year or I'm outta here

rightchoice · 09/04/2012 22:14

Please, no baby until you BOTH love each other and value each other.

Original poster
puggirl · 09/04/2012 22:16

Thank you everyone. It really does help to hear it from someone else, even though the voice in my head is saying the same things.

Feb 2011 I did deliver an ultimatum, ring or the door by Xmas. It's been over a year and he hasn't actively mentioned it once... Christmas came and went and not a word.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 09/04/2012 22:26

Reading this from the outside, does not sound like a good bet for a happy life together, if you get on this badly when there is not the stress of a new baby, toddler, how would it be once this was added?

You made an ultimatum and did not stick to it so he is not going to take you seriously on this is he?

Are you tenants in common or joint tenants on the house? Why do you think that a split would be financially difficult?

ToothbrushThief · 09/04/2012 22:34

He's misleading you so don't feel apologetic for the reasons for your split. You've been honest with him.

I'm sure a split and financial disentanglement is dreaded but you are just delaying what seems like the inevitable. You are also reducing your chance of developing a new relationship during your fertile years

Original poster
puggirl · 09/04/2012 22:34

Joint names on mortgage but he put the money for the extension, we paid same deposits and split the fees.

He is so funny about money and split will be awful. But I know you can't stay together for the wrong reasons. As I speak he has his sparkly new £35k car on the drive (all paid for) and he made no effort to get me a Xmas present. I didn't get him one as he was deciding what he wanted then it didn't ever come to anything. And just for good measure, he earns twice what I do and wants me to pay 50% of my net salary into joint acct for mortgage and bills etc while he pays in something like 36% on a bad month and still has more left after than I get paid in the first place.

Now I am just wallowing in self pity again.

OP posts:
rightchoice · 09/04/2012 22:38

Not wallowing, just waking up. x

Vicky2011 · 09/04/2012 22:44

puggirl he sounds horrid. Though I admit I find being a tight-arse (unless no option of course) is an awful characteristic so it may bother me more than you...but imagine having your kids dependent on such meanness! He is truly not father potential.

The other thing is that if you have given him an ultimatum which he has ignored then really you have your answer.

Sadly, time to move on, but no more prevarication as you do still have time. Just.

choux · 09/04/2012 22:46

Ok so money isn't a problem - he can't be waiting till you can afford marriage and kids as you clearly can. So what is he waiting for?

I was in a similar situation and after 4 years I left. I hoped he'd chase after me and propose but was ready that he might not and accepted that i just needed a decision even if that decision was going to shatter my lovely day to day life as our relationship worked day to day - we just didn't have the same timescale for when things should happen in the future.

Once out of the relationship I realised how mcuh of my own needs I'd sacrificed to keep him happy and keep the relationship ticking along. Life is less stressful now and I am in charge of my own life. I am glad I left.

4 years later I don't have kids and at 42 I'm unlikely to but I am STILL glad that I left and stopped letting someone else dictate my future. Either he wants what you want or he's the wrong guy for you!!! Good Luck!

Eurostar · 09/04/2012 22:46

This man sounds more like a flatmate than someone who wants to be part of a team. Imagine what a disaster it would be if you had a child with this man and stopped work for a while, he could be so controlling about money.

If you are joint tenants on the house (not the same as the mortgage, I'm talking about how you are registered with the land registry), I think that proceeds of a sale are split 50:50, although you'd need to check that.

superfrenchie1 · 09/04/2012 22:55

run for the hills...

this really doesn't sound like the person you need to be with for the rest of your life. is he supportive, loving, caring? would he do everything for you, put you first, defend and protect you and any future babies? hmm doesn't sound like it from your posts.

splitting the finances will be fine - there will be practical discussions and toing and froing but you can totally handle it - don't let that stop you

you don't want to be having this same discussion in 3 years time, right? or, worse, staying, having a baby, and then having to separate once there was a small child on the scene. get free now while you can...

NotDavidTennant · 09/04/2012 23:05

He doesn't want to marry you or have your kids. I think it's quite obvious and deep down you must know this but are clinging on to any shred of evidence that might convince you otherwise because you don't want to deal with the fall out if you split up with him.

piprabbit · 09/04/2012 23:09

I started dating my BF in 1987. Eleven years later and he'd never so much as whispered a mention of getting married or having children.
In the end I contracted a life-threatening illness. He had a shock when he realised that he wasn't my next of kin and my parents were the only ones being spoken to by doctors. He and my mum had a heart to heart while I was in ICU and he proposed 2.5 months later on my first evening home.
We are now married and have 2 DCs.

OK - so that's quite a drastic approach, but you might find it helpful to avoid the whole marriage/children debate and to try instead talking about how you would both feel and react if you weren't a part of each other's lives in 2/5/10 years time.