Get married/split up?

[puggirl]

I have been with BF for 10 yrs nearly. Lived together for 3 yrs. I accept I was slow to get home together but once bitten etc in previous relationship and I wanted to get a house of my own which I rent out.

He sold one of his homes (rents a property out with a mate too) and we both paid same deposit and split fees 50:50. He had £70k profit left and used this to pay for renovations and extension. I was happy to live in house in it's current ( as was) state but he insisted on doing it up.

He is very savvy/frugal/tight with money and this is often the source of most of our disagreements.

I am lately feeling v conscious I am not getting any younger, striking 37 soon and he is 40. Neither of us married before and no children. Over the last 2 yrs there have been around 3-5 occasions of horrible rows culminating with him saying ' we will get married and have a family' etc. He never mentions it again and I am the one that brings it up months later only for the discussion to go exactly the same way.

I mentioned it we'd night and again today. He always seems horrified. Surely we should get on well before we think of this etc? I say everyone has differences but if after 10yrs you still don't know then I don't really have any more time to waste.

The whole BH has been a disaster, we are nor speaking now and I look like a puffer fish from crying.

Sorry for gigantic post but hoping for some replies, what would you do? Has anyone been in similar situation - what happened? Do you stay and accept no marriage and probably no children or take the hurt and stand by your principles and go in the hope that someone
else will come along and it will work out? I am desperately confused and when I speak to close friends they give me their opinion if the whole situation through their eyes as they know both of us.

i'd leave him, and look for someone that wantsthe same things.

asap.

he sounds horrid with money

Your situation massively reminds me of a friend of mine. The rest of the group of friends really worry about her and want her to leave her dp so that she has the chance of having the life she really wants.

Please leave, move on and no that even if you remain childless you have given yourself the opportunity.
Staying with this man is not the way to have a happy ending.

Wow he has money issues! How tedious!

Putting the does he want to marry me issue aside, do YOU want to be with someone who is so tight?

It sounds like deep down you know what you need to do here, it's finding the courage to do it. If you were happy to be in the relationship without a ring or prospect of children, you wouldn't be puffy faced from crying. But it's scarey to take that step.

I thought my life was over after I split up from a previous bf after 4 years, he sounded v similar to yours, wasn't able to commit on many levels and made me weep regularly throughout our relationship. We split because I wanted us to take the next step and he didn't, a few months later he had change of heart and proposed but I'd moved on by then and was with someone who treated me like a princess.

In no way am I anything like a princess but it was an amazing revelation to find out how you're meant to be treated in a genuine, committed, loving relationship, I had no idea.

You deserve to be treated well and not be taken for granted. Agree with previous posts that the way he behaves towards you doesn't sound like he is very loving or fair to you.

No matter how lonely you might think you'll feel if you split up, you will come through it. You already sound pretty down.

Wouldn't issue any more ultimatums, he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't have same goals as you and you need to give yourself the best chance to achieve yours which means calling it a day.

This should no longer be about marriage or children but about splitting up, no matter how cumbersome the process.

If he really wants you then he'll come good and you might works things out but he needs to know this isn't an ultimatum.

A split can make or break a relationship. If you can afford to, move out or stay with a friend and start getting your head round things and he can start doing the same.

At the moment he's in control, you need to take control and start making the decisions. Be strong on this.

He'll probably respect you more for it too.

is it love or a state of being used to the current status quo?

not easy to distinguish

but I would NEVER marry a tight guy

it will make yo umiserable when you are with kids and he would watch you spending every single penny...

live's far too short to waste it on such worries

hope you will come to conclusion which is right - meanwhile try to get some sleep :)

A friend of mine is in a similar situation. My advice to her is that same as to you.....if you really love this man and he really loves you, would you rather be unmarried and with him every day or leave him and hope to find someone equally as wonderful whom you love and who loves you and who actually wants to get married. What's more important, a wedding or the relationship?

Children is a different matter. Personally not having children on the cards would be a deal breaker for me. Maybe you ought to deal with the two things as separate conversations? You don't have to be married to have children?

If you are a person who really wants to get married then this must be heart-breaking for you and I do feel for you. I think the question is, is he the one you want to be with forever and if he is, do you need to be married to do that? x

I think the split would be hard given what you have described, but being with him sounds harder.
If the mortgage is 50/50 then surely he can't really argue the toss legally? And if you have paid more of your salary as a percentage then it may cancel out the extension money?
Dh isn't tight but was very worried that I would try to take his house in our first couple of years together. This was based on his mum and sisters behaviour with their partners. As time went on he saw what I am like and knows that I wouldn't do this. If your bf is still such a tight arse after 10 years then I agree it's time to move on. Never mind the marriage and children bit ...
It sounds like more heartache on the way but I hope you find happiness in the long run

Sounds terrible, poor you. When I was first with ex-h, I was a recent graduate and he was earning a lot. We had an arrangement where for rent, holidays, bills etc, we paid a proportionate amount of our incomes, so obviously he paid a lot more but I still paid my "share". This seems a lot fairer if your DP earns more than you, but , different strokes for different folks.

It does sound as though he is never going to commit to you and why would you want him like this anyway? It will be hard to let go of all you hoped for together - it's a sort of bereavement in a way - but you will never meet the guy who IS "the One" while this oaf who's so clearly NOT "the One" is occupying the role of your DP. I bet if you leave him he will be really surprised, too!

Get out, definitely. This is what you need to think of: ?We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.? That may or may not be one with marriage and children in it, but it will be better than living with a mean man who looks horrified when you mention marriage.

peppin the 'paying a proportional amount of income' approach is the only fair one. We use it too. I can never understand why more people don't do this. And it was originally suggested by my DH, at a time when he earned far more than I did.

Please dont marry him. He doesn't deserve you. Totally agree with poster who says give yourself a year and then date men who are into you. This guy is mean and is not treating you seriously. It's time you treated yourself seriously. xxxx

10 years is a long time - what prompted moving in together 3 years ago ? Was he happy about it or was it because you precipitated it? I think you need to have a very serious talk about children - be prepared to leave if it's a deal breaker for you. I think your OH wants you to stay but is not willing to commit - hence keeping quiet about the Xmas marriage deal and hoping things will just carry on as normal for as long as possible.
I had 2 friends in relationships like this and they" forced "the baby issue in their late 30's with their OH's who weren't ready,hadn't thought about children etc etc and so left. These OH's had babies with new GF's in their 20's within 2 years!! neither of whom had good jobs or commited money to the relationship.
One of my friends met a great guy when she was 40 and had 3 Dc in quick succession, the other has no DC but has a really fulfilling life working for an NGO in Africa (we are all nearing 50 now)

Don't waste anymore time on this relationship. It's obviously not going anywhere I suggest you ask him directly what he wants for your future together. But I think you already know. Time think about moving on.

Ditch him. When I got together with my now dh, I said in my head a 2 yr time limit in which he had 2 propose. It only took him a yr, and we married after 2. Now have 2 dd's.
Free yourself of this man, and find a better model ;)

I think you need to have a think about what YOU want - if it's the opportunity to have children, then you have no time to waste biologically. That may sound harsh, but the realities of getting/staying pregnant in your late 30's onwards can be challenging to say the least.

You've already given the ultimatum & he hasn't responded - I think you already know your own answer & what you must do.

I had a similar situation a few years ago - age 36, 4-year relationship, living together, and things weren't moving forward - he claimed depression. I lost a lot of confidence & self-esteem staying in the relationship, hanging on because I'd invested so much emotionally & in other ways. Out of desperation & in order to force a conclusion so that I could move on, I issued an ultimatum. That should not be necessary in a committed, loving relationship!

He then agreed to move forward and much to my surprise I fell pregnant quickly. About a year later I found out that he'd been having an affair with a colleague, which continued during my pregnancy. I would NEVER have stayed with him had I known.

So what I'm saying is: 10 years is enough. Can you move out, even temporarily eg with a friend? Go away on holiday for a bit?

In my experience, giving him a lot of space (ie moving out) will be the shock you both need, one way or another. Continuing on as things are means you'll still be doing the same in another 10 years time - is that what you want?

Good luck - but don't waste any more time on this man

Give him an ultimatum, its the only way you'll know whether he really wants to be with you long term.

You'll just have to accept that ifit doesn't go your way, you'll be packing your bags.... and you can then make room in your life for someone who DOES want to get married and have kids.

I did this at 30 and left him, my BF is going through the same thing at the moment

I don't think he's going to change. If he wanted to marry you, or start a family with you, he would have been more proactive about it by now. He doesn't want those things, at least not with you. If having a baby is important to you, don't waste any more time hoping he'll change his mind, because chances are he won't.

Would you want to have a child with him anyway? Given how he is about money, would he resent the expense? Would he expect all child-related stuff to be paid for by you?

My exBF was similar - in his case didn't even want the commitment of a mortgage together, he sold his flat and we rented together.

I wish I'd struck out on my own and bought a property as an investment but whenever I suggested it he talked me out of it.

He finished with me when we were both 30 as he said he didn't want to settle down or have children. I remember saying to him bitterly 'what will I feel like in 5 years if I'm alone and you have a new GF and she's pregnant?' and he said 'that isn't going to happen'.

True to his word, 5 years later I'm married, own a house and expecting first child, and in the time we've been apart, he's lived in at least 5 different flat shares (that I know of!), continued living as if he was in his 20's and generally having a wild time, and only recently got a serious GF. Clearly our lives were on very different tracks, it just took a long time for both of us to work that out!

So it seems to me you kind of know how things are heading for you, you just have to get your head round it. It takes a while, but once you get there, things will be better for you, I hope.

So in Feb 2011 you said "ring or the door by xmas" and didn't follow through? What sort of impression does that give him? Basically that you make ultimatums but they have no consequences! You need to stick to your guns - say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Get out of there whilst you can. I was once with a man who was similarly obsessive about money, relationship dragged on for years, eventually got married (although had cold feet, it felt like I'd invested so much time and effort in the relationship that I didn't want to back out even if the voices in my head told me to!)... and divorced 2 years later.

Met a lovely man since, has great sense of humour, share all our resources (financial and otherwise, no 'his' car etc.), have 2 fab kids with him. Your life can change in a couple of years - but you have to make it change.... for the better.

Another vote for leaving, immediately. Sounds like you have wasted way too much time with him.

It may already be too late for you to have children (although it may not). But this is not a man to have a child with.

I have been completely honest about where I hope to see my future going and said as it is, the relationship isn't going to pan out for either of us. He seemed genuinely shocked and remorseful and wants to discuss it tomorrow (away at the Moment). I feel unusually calm about it now so we will see what tomorrow brings.

Thank you for support and advice, will keep you posted x

hows it going?

It went well thanks. Things are looking up now, said everything i needed too and he didn't realise I felt as strongly as I did.
We both know where the other one is coming from now, I feel much better about everything.

Thanks for all the posts, it really did help