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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help with PIL madness

39 replies

louloutheshamed · 09/04/2012 19:38

Hello, I have name changed for this as is quite embarrassing although some people may recognised aspects of my story from previous posts. And I am not the poo troll!

I have a ds who is 14mo. On the night I returned from hosptial after he was born, my pils were staying at my house. Although I have always got on well with them, I was generally a horrid experience and the crux of it was that during the night my mil came into our bedroom and took 2 day old ebf ds from us because he was crying. I am still mad at myself for allowing this to happen.

Anyway, since then whenever we stay at theirs or they stay at ours, which happens quite a bit, I do not sleep. I lay awake listening for ds to make the slightest peep as I am worried that if he does he will disturb them and and she will come in and take him again. This has never happened of course, although they did always used to comment if they heard him wake up during the night in a kind of "tut tut, have you not got him sleeping through yet" sort of way. We have very different styles of parenting, they advocate CC and smacking etc whereas I am still bf ds at 14mo which they can't understand and have sometimes coslept if ds has needed it. I have felt undermined by them on occasion as they are quite judgemental, usual mil stuff really.

Anyway, ds mostly sleeps through now (well, until 5.30 but the early waking is a different story). We haven't stayed with them since before Christmas when we went on holiday together for a week. DS was not really sleeping through then, and I used to bring him into our bed when he woke up. I spent the whole week worrying that they would end up walking in and seeing us cosleeping and be horrified by it, and hardly slept that week. On the last day, I woke up and had terrible diarrhoea which I assumed was just a virus.

Anyway, we stayed at theirs for the first time in ages this Easter. Last night I was an absolute nervous wreck. Typically, having slept through for weeks, ds woke up and I was frantically trying to calm him down and shush him, I felt myself actually shaking and didn't sleep a wink all night. I know how ridicuous this makes me sound and I am quite a rational and sensible person in all other respects but something about this just makes me go insane. This morning I woke up with diarrhoea again.

So, I know it could just be coincidence but do you think the diarrhea could be stress related or something? And what can I do to sort out this situation? (am fully aware it is my problem not pils). We are suposed to be going away for 2 nights with them next week and I feel sick at the thought of it. What do I do?

Sorry for length!

OP posts:
LalaDipsey · 09/04/2012 19:50

Hi loulou.
Firstly you need to forgive yourself for 'allowing' you pil to take your baby that night - you were a mess of hormones and chronically sleep deprived and it wasn't your fault and your dc hasn't suffered.
Your diarrhoea probably is stress related so not much you can do except try and de-stress.
I completely understand your kind of PTSD reaction - a receptionist at our doctors surgery took off with my dd when she was a baby and it made me go the same way and I was petrified of her being ill and having to go back there. Of course, I have been able to change my doctors and you can't change your pil!!
Can you talk to them? Just say 'ds is a bit restless in the night atm but don't worry if you hear him - he settles best with me' or something so you know you have 'warned them off' coming in?
Does your dh know how you feel?

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 09/04/2012 19:58

Thanks Lala, I should be more assertive when I'm talking to them, I know. It seems like the problem is getting worse, not better, even though ds's sleep is much better. I just don't know what to do about next week. Dh knows how I feel. He is sympathtic but he thinks I am being over the top and should "just not worry about it". Which is easier said than done!

OP posts:
awbless · 09/04/2012 20:01

I think I may be missing something here. Have these feelings stemmed from that one night after DS was born?

Do you think PIL's may be horrified if they knew hoe you are feeling. Presumably MIL took DS to let you sleep and for what she thought was the right reasons?

It's a shame if you are letting one misunderstanding cloud you relationship and make you feel so stressed.

On the other hand if you feel that she did it to undermine you, then that is entirly different.

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 09/04/2012 20:04

I think she thought she was being helpful awbless but it was the worst thing she should have done. Since he was born I have felt undermined about a number of different things - the usual generational differences about weaning, sleep etc. But then there are occasions when I think she has been nastier, snide comments etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
louloutheshamed · 09/04/2012 20:04

*could have

OP posts:
awbless · 09/04/2012 20:14

loulou do you rely on them for anything? Money, childcare etc.? It's my experience that if that is the case then there is always a price to pay, and you just have to grin and bear it until those circumstances no longer apply (it does happen eventually).

If not, then there is no reason at all to put up with being undermined and have snidely comments made to you. I think you could let her know politely but firmly at the next opportunity that you are calling the shots.

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 09/04/2012 21:48

Yeah they have ds one day a week for us. Just have to grin and bear it then Sad

OP posts:
kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 09/04/2012 21:57

It is your baby and it is none of their business how you raise your child. In order to sleep in their house I would move a chest of drawers behind the door so she couldn't get in (I am aggressive!) My MIL has tried lots of that crap with me; we just don't visit at their house ever - her loss. Also, since SIL has had a child MIL has moved on to them and leaves us alone a lot more. You can only be bullied if you allow someone to do it to you and if it is a relative, you can just walk away. They have more to lose than you. You need to say 'Well this is the way I'd like to try it MIL' look her in the eye then change the subject. Good luck.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/04/2012 22:04

It does sound as if you are blowing this way out of proportion. Presumably MIL thinks she did a nice thing taking DS so that you could rest - and your behaviour since around his sleep when you are with them sounds utterly bonkers.

You need to develop a coping strategy for when things like weaning, cosleeping and so on come up - thinking around raising babies has changed a lot, so it is unsurprising that your MIL has differing opinions to you. You can either engage with it and open her eyes, or just smile and nod and ignore.

Can you stop the childcare aspect? Because obviously the more involved your MIL is the more she will (rightly IMO) feel like her opinion carries weight.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/04/2012 22:06

kumquats - nothing the OP has described sounds like bullying to me.

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 10/04/2012 12:26

I know it's bonkers! As I said I know the problem is with me not them but I just don't know how to get over it. I think it has got out if control now, like a panic or anxiety thing as I really feel like I have no control over it. As I said, I am usually quite sensible!

OP posts:
deste · 10/04/2012 12:54

I think she thought she was doing you a big favour by letting you have a decent sleep. She wasn't being nasty, you have to let this go. We went on a caravan holiday when my DD was a baby and I spent all night worrying she would wake up and disturb other people so I know where you are coming from.

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 10/04/2012 19:00

I know I need to let it go, I just don't know how. I am dreading next week with them when it should be a nice experience Sad

OP posts:
RabidAnchovy · 10/04/2012 19:12

I truly think your MIL was just trying to help, all be it mis-guided.

Would you have been so upset if it had been your own mother?

Have you thought of speaking with your MIL and saying that you do not need her to "deal" with your DS if he wakes when you are staying with them or them with you?

Personally I think this has been blown out of all proportion, but you do need to sort something out or it will become even bigger

bibbitybobbitybunny · 10/04/2012 19:16

I don't understand why you are in a situation where you have to sleep at their house or they sleep at yours so frequently, as they obviously live quite close to you? I would carry on seeing them but just not doing the sleepovers - isn't it all a bit of a pita, wouldn't you rather go home and sleep in your own beds?

pommedechocolat · 10/04/2012 19:18

Have a second child!

Seriously my mil has always seemed to undermine me since dd1's birth. Not as bad as yours in the night but similar - day 3 held her for hours while she wailed and didn't give her back. I couldn't forgive myself for not getting her back and just sitting in the corner trying not to cry.

With dd2 mil was holding her and she cried and I just went and got it. Five minutes later I realised what had happened and how things have changed!

Still some issues to deal with (she wrote a card to dd2 on behalf of dd1, wanted her bag of Xmas pressures to be santa's pressies to name a couple) but things are much better.

So if a second dc isn't on the cards then you have to find the confidence this brings somehow.

I would stop the child are ASAP.

pommedechocolat · 10/04/2012 19:18

It = her!!!!

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 11/04/2012 19:20

Yes, I think you are probably right about the second child! I would hope to be a lot more confident and assertive second time round. When ds was tiny mil would rattle a toy in his face for 20 mins before finally admitting that he was hungry 'again' and grudgingly handing him over. I just wouldn't put up with that again.

I hate the staying over and do much prefer my own bed. They live about an hour away so staying over not essential. This weekend is a little family holiday though and I am really really dreading it.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/04/2012 19:39

Well, I think you shouldn't go. It's not a holiday for you, is it? It's ridiculous that you have to sleep over when they're only an hour away - you should only do that if you'd have a lovely time.

I think your DH needs to speak to his mum when you're not there. He should refer back to that night and say that you are struggling to cope when you're with them because you feel she is judging you. I'm sure she'd be upset to hear that.

I think you might be suffering from PND. Has anyone ever suggested that to you? I had it and thought beforehand that it would involve sitting and crying all day - I knew nothing about it. I had it for quite a long time - certainly when my child was your child's age. Would you consider going to the doctor and asking for help? You know your responses are irrational - mine were too when I had PND. To lose so much sleep sounds awful and can only make you feel worse. Do you have a doctor you could trust?

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 11/04/2012 20:12

A few people have suggested that I get dh to speak to her but I sort of feel like this is a cop out and I should deal with it myself. Which I'm not Blush. Having said that I know I would defend or stick up for dh If any of my family said or did anything hurtful to him

I really don't think I have pnd. I am really happy, I am back at work full time and it is great, my ds is a delight, and I only don't sleep when I'm at the pils. It's the only aspect of my life that I am at all irrational.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 11/04/2012 20:48

Oh okay, well that's great.

I don't think you should sort it out yourself, because if you do they'll be thinking "Oh, loulou is a bit touchy" whereas if your DH says "Listen, do you realise what harm you're doing?" it tells them someone else has noticed it.

Just don't go. If you don't sleep well, then don't stay there. I know you'll be thinking you're committed to staying etc, but you're not. Just get your DH to say "We're coming for the day but we're not sleeping over. Loulou doesn't sleep well here and she needs her rest. We'll be going home after dinner, okay?"

Most adult children don't have sleepovers at their parents' home. It's normal to go home to your own bed.

ImperialBlether · 11/04/2012 20:49

If you don't want a showdown, just do it a bit at a time. Start with not sleeping over.

funchum8am · 11/04/2012 20:55

Would you feel better if you had a 100% cast iron guarantee that even if your baby did cry, she wouldn't come in? Maybe just getting her to agree that she will under no circumstances get up if she hears DS, since either you or DH will be dealing with it, would help you rest easier?

izzyizin · 11/04/2012 21:00

They advocate 'smacking' Shock

Do you really need them to look after ds one day a week? Can't you make other arrangements?

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 12/04/2012 07:29

This weekend isn't us staying at theirs it is two nights away with them, which is all booked so they will be annoyed if I drop out.

We have spoken to them about the smacking and told them how I want discipline to be handled when they look after ds. I feel happy that they wouldn't do it but they do roll their eyes and sigh and say it didn't do dh any harm...

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