I need help with PIL madness

[louloutheshamed]

Hello, I have name changed for this as is quite embarrassing although some people may recognised aspects of my story from previous posts. And I am not the poo troll!

I have a ds who is 14mo. On the night I returned from hosptial after he was born, my pils were staying at my house. Although I have always got on well with them, I was generally a horrid experience and the crux of it was that during the night my mil came into our bedroom and took 2 day old ebf ds from us because he was crying. I am still mad at myself for allowing this to happen.

Anyway, since then whenever we stay at theirs or they stay at ours, which happens quite a bit, I do not sleep. I lay awake listening for ds to make the slightest peep as I am worried that if he does he will disturb them and and she will come in and take him again. This has never happened of course, although they did always used to comment if they heard him wake up during the night in a kind of "tut tut, have you not got him sleeping through yet" sort of way. We have very different styles of parenting, they advocate CC and smacking etc whereas I am still bf ds at 14mo which they can't understand and have sometimes coslept if ds has needed it. I have felt undermined by them on occasion as they are quite judgemental, usual mil stuff really.

Anyway, ds mostly sleeps through now (well, until 5.30 but the early waking is a different story). We haven't stayed with them since before Christmas when we went on holiday together for a week. DS was not really sleeping through then, and I used to bring him into our bed when he woke up. I spent the whole week worrying that they would end up walking in and seeing us cosleeping and be horrified by it, and hardly slept that week. On the last day, I woke up and had terrible diarrhoea which I assumed was just a virus.

Anyway, we stayed at theirs for the first time in ages this Easter. Last night I was an absolute nervous wreck. Typically, having slept through for weeks, ds woke up and I was frantically trying to calm him down and shush him, I felt myself actually shaking and didn't sleep a wink all night. I know how ridicuous this makes me sound and I am quite a rational and sensible person in all other respects but something about this just makes me go insane. This morning I woke up with diarrhoea again.

So, I know it could just be coincidence but do you think the diarrhea could be stress related or something? And what can I do to sort out this situation? (am fully aware it is my problem not pils). We are suposed to be going away for 2 nights with them next week and I feel sick at the thought of it. What do I do?

Sorry for length!

OP you just need to grow a bit of backbone. Your MIL hasn't really done anything wrong, the whole issue is purely down to how you have reacted to various things.

If your DS yells in the night and she does come in, just say 'we're ok thanks, see you in the morning', which is what anyone else would say.

imperial what do you mean it isn't normal to stay with your parents?
We do all the time, as do most of my friends. What an odd generalisation to make!

pomme surely what you've just said demonstrates that it was you with the issue, not your MIL creating it?

But OP you need to find alternative childcare, otherwise you are going to get yourself in a state.

if they stay at yours, can you put something in front of the door, or put a little lock on the inside?

I also don't understand why you're staying over if it's only an hour away, the only reason I can think off is you and your DH both want to have a drink, offer to drive so DH can have a drink but don't stay - you don't need to make a big fuss, just tell DH to say "no, we've got an early start so best we go home." (if need be, arrange friends to be coming over the following day)

You also need alternative childcare. Who has your DS the other days you are at work? could you go up to full time? The cost would surely be worth it for peace of mind.

This is really similar to my pil situation and strangely i had a bad attack of the shits last weekend when they were here up to their usual tricks.
They did something similar when dd was born and found it really hard to move on from it (also 14 months)
I am a very assertive confident woman with a professional job and 5 dc but i go to peices around them too.
My theory is that because i dont want to cause family rifts i keep quiet thus causing myself extreme stress and anxiety.
Dh is gradually seeing them in thier true colours and taking charge and tbh i void situations like the plague,i keep visits short and take myself off if i need to whist they are here or us there.
I am also finding that the more i speak up the easier it gets but i completely get where you are coming from.
Defo dont stay overnight,get a hotel.

The true test here is if the OP becomes more assertive will the MIL undermining situation get worse or will she say "oh I'm so sorry I didn't realise you felt that way". The second response will show that the OP is little over th etop and does need to relax a bit but the first will show that there is something subtle and undermining going on.

A reaction this extreme (physical symptoms) does suggest there is more than just a simple misunderstanding. OP, is there an accumulation of "little things" that make you feel uncomfortable?

Try to be more assertive with your PIL, be calm and just state your case. If they argue just repeat what you have said. Don't rely too much on your DH judgement, he grew up with them and they are normal to him. Then look at their reaction to your assertiveness, if they acknowledge youa re uncomfortable then it is just a misunderstanding and you can relax. If they keep on at you to do things "their way" and assert MIL actions over your wishes then I would quietly distance yourself from them as yes, they have control issues.

sorry, my earlier message was a little short, you need to to stop staying over and get alternative childcare because you obviously don't want to cause family rifts, so you need to take control of the situations with them - if you're leaving at some point, when it becomes too much you can leave (or have a clear end of visit time of DS's bed time). You also need to not feel like you 'owe' them (by getting free childcare) so need to stop that too so that you can feel you're 'allowed' to be the one in control of how DS is cared for.

Good luck.

I hate, hate, HATE people coming into my bedroom. Just about tolerate dh and the kids .
My mother is inclined to do it still, albeit knocking first, although she's through the door before I've had a chance to respond "fuck off."
I totally understand your distress, then and now, about her taking your new baby away although I agree with others that she almost certainly didn't realise it would be a problem. I've found that locking/blocking the door helps me relax. They'll soon get the message if that's followed up with "we'll be out shortly," or something.
Are these the ILs who insisted on staying at your house when you came home with your newborn, despite you saying (to your dh) you didn't want anyone there?

That night they stayed because we live close to town and they live out in the sticks and fil had meetings in town. They do this a lot. It just happened to coincide with me coming out of hospital. By her coming in, plus other things that she did, made me feel like she had absolutely no confidence in my ability to look after ds.

I have seen much less of them since I went back to work and have been much much happier. But it seems to have made my anxiety when I do see them now much worse.

My mil gets all po faced and evil looking on the rare occasions im assertive,she likes to think she is the boss of everyone.
I have fretted and stressed my way through it all but this weeked she began to pick on my dd1 who is 10 and not dh's natural child.
I saw red tbh,she told her to get dressed and stop eating chocolate on easter day fgs.I told dd she could do these things and fixed mil with an icy glare.
Later when she picked her up on some minor (manners) i reminded her that her son and dh both leave up the toilet seat and i find that bad manners.

Ok, I have told dh to tell his mum that I am not going this weekend. I am generally run down. I am a teacher and always get ill during the hols and so far I have had the shits and now cystitis . So i can not cope with the stress of going away with them on top of this. dh has told them I need some time at home. Not sure if I have done the right thing though

I think you have. Will be interesting to hear her reaction.

Trust your instincts - if people believe in smacking, they will think they are justified in doing it if the child annoys them .... as apparently WTF? the child was asking for it. DM did it, despite very, very clear instructions, when DD answered her back aged 18mths ....... so DD starts turning round and going "so smack me then" - aged under 2. Once done it can't be undone! I loathe my DM for that one and my stupid ineffectual father who justifies her behaviour. But they now get much less access to DD ..... as I've told them, it was their choice!

Treating them like an errant toddler / 4 year old does help - and my DM can turn me into a gibbering wreck - just the thought of her coming to stay makes me feel physically sick and distracted for days. Now I just walk out of the room and take DD with me. My attitude is that I can't change her behaviour, but I can choose how I react to it - so I tell her I accept that she has the right to behave how she wants, but I have the right to react to it how I want. That way I am not disputing what she does - as she thinks she is perfect - but simply giving her a consequence. DM now behaves much better as she has gone over 3 months without seeing DD on more than one occasion (despite living on the next door farm at the time) - as she knows I mean it.

You've done completely the right thing - most important for your DS is that his parents are relaxed and happy ........good on you - and I hope they manage to draw the conclusion that visiting them is not a relaxing event!