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Original poster

One minor indesgression

32 replies

HowamIgoingtocope · 09/04/2012 08:53

Okay not sure where to start but last year DH had a minor indescresion with a "girl" at work , basically she pounced on him and he recipricated the kiss.

Our relationship had been breaking down according to him , I just thought he was working alot , he works from home as well as a full time job.

Anyway , after this his anger became worse much to a point where he moved out of the family home to a small town 40 miles away from us. He has no landline and is hard to get hold off.

Anyway we started talking and agreed there were things that had to change if we were to make things work.

One thing he wouldnt change was to stop his freindship with this girl.

I have 2 young children who are suffering with this as my PND is creaping back in and Im finding it hard to cope.

He is confusing me with his actions and at the moment I feel he is having an affair emotionally or otherwise with this girl. he has done more for her in the past month than he has for me in the past year.

I am destraught and now need to think about the kids and my wellbeing, but have no idea what to do.

I also think he is storing a vehicle for this girl in a parking spot we have paid for.

He tells me what I want to hear. I have not been able to get in contact with him over the past few days so am seriously thinking of dumoing his stuff in the street.

This post is really bitty , i will have to find a better explanation of it all.

My husband suffers from major depression and his actions are not like him, no excuse I know, he is currently waiting for treatment which doesnt seem to be coming.

Any advise would be helpful. Ill post back soon whenI have got my head to gether a little bit.

OP posts:
BigTeuchLittleTeuch · 09/04/2012 09:03

Did you discuss what your relationship would be after he moved out? Are you both clear about whether you are actually still in a relationship?

I think you need to have a think about how much you can invest in trying to 'make things work' in a relationship which doesn't seem to give you much in the way of love and support. It sounds like the friendship with this other girl is a deal-breaker for you, in which case you and he have reached a bit of an impasse.

It is not okay that your husband - the father of your children - is out of contact.

glasscompletelybroken · 09/04/2012 09:03

There's lots I could say but will keep it short.

The very first thing that needs to change for your relationship to have a chance is his relationship with this girl.

If he won't change that then you are wasting your time and need to move on - painful though it is. He will only cause you more pain in the long run.

bigbuttons · 09/04/2012 09:03

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I could tell you what is obvious, that he is a shit etc etc. But that won't help you. You know what he is.
What I would ask myself in your position is:
What do I want?
Am I prepared to pay the price?
How much of my personal integrity am I prepared to compromise?

Xales · 09/04/2012 09:05

He is not having an affair with this girl. He is now in a relationship with this girl in my opinion.

He has left your marriage. He may not have told you that it is over and he wants a divorce, that is because he can then come back with his tail between his leg if this new girl doesn't work out.

I would think the normal reaction to someone pouncing on you is to push them away not grab them in shock and snog them back unless you really wanted to.

He told you hoping that you would throw him out over it. You didn't so he escalated until he could justify leaving.

He is re writing your past so that your marriage has been on the way out for a while. A shame but makes it understandable why he went elsewhere... Words to make it look better.

Uncontactable means he doesn't want you to be able to contact him. You are just an irritant and he only wants to deal with you on his terms not when you may want or need him or in an emergency with your children.

He is not storing a car, it is parked there when she stays over.

He won't give her up for his wife and children... Says it all.

His actions speak louder than his words. Words to keep you waiting around are easy.

You need to get legal advise and an STI check asap.

Sorry.

tribpot · 09/04/2012 09:06

Did anything change after you had your big talk and agreed things had to change? Obviously you're summarising in your post but this relationship with the girl feels like the deal-breaker, and I can see nothing in the post to explain why he would continue it in these circumstances - unless he wasn't serious about his marriage or respecting your feelings as his wife.

catsareevil · 09/04/2012 09:08

I think that Xales is probably correct.

SleepySuzy · 09/04/2012 09:13

Yes catsareevil, so do I. Been in a similar position. I don't think he will return. Sorry to say that.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 09/04/2012 09:14

Okay , to clarify he didnt tell me about her I found out . his behaviour changed . he was txting alot , she accused me of using my works systems to find her address.

He has given me the option to have out I said no he then put the tears on and said he was in love with me still.

I asked him saturday if he wanted out he said no.

I will organise an STi check and am looking at legal advise, does he have to know im doing this.

Its a motorbike he is storing. Her car was there yesterday , when I went to take his easter presents, however his wasnt.

I am being stupid, I have 14 years of marriage 17 years knowing him. I need to get my act together , i have been to the flat numerous times but have yet to see them together. It is a deal breaker , worst being she sees more of him than the kids and I do.

We agreed what had to be changed , we are going about it , the contract is up in may. I want to ruin her. I want to cry . I have supported him through his depression but i dont know what is true and what isnt .

Le sigh

OP posts:
SleepySuzy · 09/04/2012 09:17

I really feel for you. A lot of it sounds similar to me. You will get through it, as shitty as it is now. You have to be string for the kids.

catsareevil · 09/04/2012 09:17

Why do you want to ruin her?
From her perspective does she thing that he separated from you some time ago, and that you are not managing to move on? (I'm not saying that is how it is, but what has he told her?)

fluffiphlox · 09/04/2012 09:23

Easter presents?! He has left you for another woman, it seems.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 09/04/2012 09:26

No he was still very much living at home and she knew he was married , to me regardless of your feelings for someone if they are married they are strictly out of bounds.

Im angry thats why , ive been angry for 6 months.

I am going to loose some lovely freinds im so sad.

I want to go up there today , but ill look like a mad woman]

OP posts:
Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 09/04/2012 09:27

fluffi , from the kids as he said he didnt want chocolate.
I had been organising an easter breakfast for weeks and realy didnt put two and two together till yesterday.

OP posts:
Xales · 09/04/2012 09:28

he didnt tell me about her I found out . his behaviour changed . he was txting alot That makes it even worse. He only confessed to the bare minimum (a kiss) when you got suspicious over his behaviour. A kiss forced on him doesn't lead to mass texting.

Did you find her address? If not why would this even be said unless to discredit you in his eyes as a raving (maybe revenge driven) nutter?

It is easy to say I still love you and don't want out to keep you hanging on he doesn't exactly show he means it does he?

Do you make appointments to go and see him? Or just turn up as and when you want?

worst being she sees more of him than the kids and I do because in the first flush of a new relationship he wants to be with her more than you and the kids. Your marriage is never going to recover while he continues this level of contact with her. If he doesn't stop seeing her you will never be able to rebuild your trust and marriage.

And no don't tell him anything about legal advise. You may want to tell him if you do have an STI as if you have never had one there is pretty good evidence you got it from him Sad If you don't have an STI please still do not sleep with him until he has a test.

Sorry you have all this stress. Have you been to your doctor to see if there is something to help you maintain your balance with this going on?

catsareevil · 09/04/2012 09:28

He has probably been lying to you both to keep his options open as much as possible.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 09/04/2012 09:33

Did you find her address? If not why would this even be said unless to discredit you in his eyes as a raving (maybe revenge driven) nutter? - im a researcher and 192.com is a wonderful thing. I suggest you all check your details are not on there . Her mobile number was on his bill.

It is easy to say I still love you and don't want out to keep you hanging on he doesn't exactly show he means it does he?

Do you make appointments to go and see him? Or just turn up as and when you want?- I wont be making appointments , ill just turn up at the flat , at work I will cause merryhell if I have to

worst being she sees more of him than the kids and I do because in the first flush of a new relationship he wants to be with her more than you and the kids. Your marriage is never going to recover while he continues this level of contact with her. If he doesn't stop seeing her you will never be able to rebuild your trust and marriage. - agreed hes refused

And no don't tell him anything about legal advise. You may want to tell him if you do have an STI as if you have never had one there is pretty good evidence you got it from him If you don't have an STI please still do not sleep with him until he has a test.- i havnt slept with him in 5 months - or anyone else for that matter

Sorry you have all this stress. Have you been to your doctor to see if there is something to help you maintain your balance with this going on? - no but i will do when i go for the sti check

OP posts:
Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 10/04/2012 08:50

we are sitting down tonight to talk , he has alot of explaining to do. I have met the OW now . \but he says I have the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:
AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 10/04/2012 09:09

I am really feeling for you....you've obviously tried to save your marriage but he's making it obvious that he wants his cake...he can''t bear to finally finish things and maybe will push and push until you snap or something.

WHat are you hoping will come from meeting him? If I were in your position I would be telling him there's nothing to talk about...he's with another woman ffs....he's being a wimp and a coward.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 10/04/2012 14:28

Hes adament there is nothing going on . I have a few things to put to him I will let you know. Im not quite sure what freind takes a female freind car parts shopping, isnt that what a dad usually does.

OP posts:
AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 10/04/2012 18:34

Or a lover How it's not good and you need to face facts so you don't get too upset when you meet him...

tribpot · 10/04/2012 19:07

I'm not sure taking someone shopping for car parts is the most compelling evidence you have - I do that stuff with a male friend because my dad lives in another country (and knows knack all about cars).

Doha · 10/04/2012 19:11

Take the initiative here--you tell him that it's over. He had his chance and time has run out.

Once the choice has been taken away and he has no longer got you hanging about waiting for him, he may then realise what he has lost but l would't hold me breath.

Don't cry or beg, even although your heart is breaking make him realise you mean business and wont be walked over or made a fool of any longer.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 11/04/2012 01:23

Right we have talked . He has decided he wants to make a go of it but needs a few days he is 100% sure . Ive come to the conclusion he needs to step up and grow some balls as we both need to change our ways a little to do this . He is afraid he has broken us too much , however he will give it a go. He has lied abnout something I know he has but will keep that one as ammo .

The "girl" and I use the term loosely will not be going away , he knows he is being a funt about it but he misses having freinds . I have given him a link to a social website .

You may all think im an idiot , but I have stated to him if he messes me about I will become the loopy wife she thinks I am .

I have met her on monday , shes a timid little thing . but i will not give up on 17 years without a bloody good fight .

I now have a strategy in place , all benefits will be applied for tommorrow , and i am arranging a free half hour with a few solicitors so I know where I stand .

At the end of the day I cant stop him seeing this girl as he works with her , but he knows how much I now know .

I am just waiting now , but I have told him I have put my life on hold for 6 months and it wont be on hold for much longer , so he wither mans up has some balls and sorts it out or we call it a day .

Tribot is your make freind married and if so does his wife know.

My husband has chosent to be leiniant with information as he says i will snap. I have told him no details is worse than anything.

One condition of us starting a sexual relationship again will be an STI test . I havnt been touched down there for months , may need to blow the cobwebs away.

but at the end of the day he is lucky this wife hasnt hung him from the rafters by his gonads, because that is certainly what I will do if I find out there is a sexual thing going on .

In the 17 years i have been with him he has let me nag him and it has slowly ground away, he said he wish he had said something sooner , maybe 5 years before. tbf I wish he had as i wasnt aware i was doing it .

It always annoyed me he just agreed. Im not giving him an excuse , but tonight he would have won an oscar if he was able to act . He seemed genuine, I know you will say he isnt and just wants his cake , but im afraid before I go that far which I really do not want to I need compelling evidence to say he has actually slept with her. Sorry for the long and late post . I have so much going through my head again im gonna be useless at work tommorrow .

I think she is now pressuring him , and if I keep up with the niceties it may just bug her enought to start nagging. I will fight for my marriage , but at the moment im taking it that he is telling the truth as I have no compelling evidence to the contary.

OP posts:
AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 11/04/2012 01:28

So is he moving back in with you?

tribpot · 11/04/2012 06:48

Blimey. Well, I hope it works out for you, OP - but I think he is playing you for a fool. Who decides they want to make a go of it but needs a few days to be sure first? And he appears to have got you to accept having him back without him having to give up the girl who he sees more than you, so it's win-win for him, I'm not sure it's win-win for you.

Just re: my friend who helps me with cars, he isn't married but has lived with someone for many years. His DP is fully aware of all the time we spend together and is always invited to come too.

But the girl is not the problem in your story, your DH is the one who should be treating the mother of his children with a proper amount of respect. I hope he realises this soon.