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Original poster

WWYD - issue with XH and XMIL's driving (very long, sorry!)

42 replies

ArghWWYD · 09/04/2012 08:26

NC for identifying details :)

My xMIL is a sweet, although tricky and complicated, woman who loves DS (4) more than anything in the world. DS adores her too and I am extremely grateful for the lovely relationship they have. She lives in Ireland, but visits several times a year. She would never hurt DS intentionally, but she is really very scatty, doesn't always concentrate and can be irresponsible. For those reason, XH and myself would never leave her to babysit DS for extended periods or overnight. I am actually slightly less vehement on that point than XH, but there is one thing I am absolutely adamant about - DS is never ever, ever allowed to be driven my her and I mean that. When we were still married, we drove over to Ireland to see her and XH made sure he always drove and somehow we've got to 4 years without actually telling her that neither of us want her to be at the wheel if DS is in the car.

She has a conviction for dangerous driving - overtaking on blind rise at 70mph causing a head-on collision which miraculously didn't kill anyone. She didn't lose her license at the time because she'd have lost her job, but got 11 (I think) points. She once drove XH and I to the airport (pre-DS) and I was genuinely scared for my life the whole way. I have never been so grateful to get out of a car and when we landed back in the UK, we got a call to say she'd had an accident and written the car off on the way back.

DS spends a lot of time with my mum and step-dad - at least 2 or 3 weekends a month and has had a week's holiday with them. XH is very happy with this, although we try keep it quiet from his mum obviously that he was on holiday with them. There are two of them vs one of her, my mum is 10 years younger and we're very happy with him being in a car with them. Anyway, my mum and step-dad very dearly wanted to take DS to Italy with them this summer where step-dad's daughter lives. XH said 'No' to the idea because he felt that DS was too young to leave the country without either one of us. My mum was very disappointed, but accepted she needed both our permission and that was that.

Last night, XH tells me that his mum is insisting (his words) that he visit in the summer for a long weekend with DS and she'll be paying for the flights. So far, fine, but XH says he can't afford to hire a car for the weekend so it'll be unavoidable that xMIL drives them to/from airport (over an hour) and they'll do loads of driving (visiting relatives) every day on country and steep windy roads over hills. I am really unhappy about this and so is XH but he is very reluctant to say anything to her. She will be very excited, quite manic in fact, and probably won't have slept when she would be collecting them and basically the idea sends shivers down my spine. My mum has offered to pay for the car hire, but I think that would be a bit strange?

I guess I could probably put my foot down over this (not sure if I could legally stop him taking him to Ireland) so ideally XH finds a way to get a hire car, although FIL has told us numerous horror stories about the hire cars not being safe so XH is pointing that out. It'd be really expensive (he has a thirsty big car) and take too long for him to drive over there.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:

catsareevil · 09/04/2012 08:36

It sounds like you and your XH are essentially i agreement that it isnt a good idea for her to drive but are struggling to find a way forward.

It seems that a hire car is the only real option. If you and your X both genuinely believe that you DS life would be at risk with MIL driving then you cant do it can you?

piellabakewell · 09/04/2012 08:38

Let your mum pay for the hire car, MIL doesn't need to know. Surely XH can persuade his mum that he is doing her a favour by doing all the driving? It's in the best interests of your DS.

MrsCampbellBlack · 09/04/2012 08:38

Could your XH not get temporary insurance to drive his mother's car? And come up with some reason as to why that's best - so she could sit in the back with her grandson or some such thing . . .

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 09/04/2012 08:43

Parenting is quite often risk management.

A hire car with your ex driving vs xmil is no competition really.

Crocodilio · 09/04/2012 08:46

Presumably he is passively aggressively making you find a way to get you to pay for the car hire, as if he was that bothered about his son not going in a car with his mother then he would either work out how to pay for a hire car, or tell her that the answer's no.

He's got plenty of time between now and the summer to save up/work extra shifts/whatever, or to tell her he can't come.

I'm not sure why it should be your responsibility. However, if it came to it, I probably would pay for the car if he insisted he was taking your son away and she would be driving, although I would be pissed off with him for not taking our son's safety seriously.

Original poster

ArghWWYD · 09/04/2012 08:50

Thanks all. Yes, I think that either my mum or me probably will just need to pay for the hire car.

MrsCampbellBlack He suggested that as a possibility but xMIL is extremely forceful and chances of her agreeing to it and then insisting on doing the driving anyway are quite high, if she remembered to do it and XH is not assertive at the best of times in those kinds of situations. Plus, we've always come up with excuses why we haven't put her on ours!

Think I'm just a bit peeved that he vetoed a trip just a couple of weeks ago and is now presenting this to me as 'Yes, I know it's terrible and I'm not happy either, but I can't do anything about it' Also, the bigger issue isn't going away as DS gets older. She thinks, for example, that DS is going to spend school holidays over there and XH will never ever allow that (for reasons above, plus he experienced abuse when he was a child on school holidays there) but doesn't know how to deal with his mother.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 09/04/2012 08:51

Just been thinking about this some more and actually if he's comfortable enough to veto a trip with your parents he should tell his mother the truth.

Her driving is insanely dangerous and therefore he doesn't want to be driven by her.

MrsCampbellBlack · 09/04/2012 08:52

Well he needs to toughen up with regards to his mother or you'll have to be the 'bad guy' and I have a feeling that is what he'll end up doing.

billgrangersrisotto · 09/04/2012 08:52

If you hire from a reputable, world wide company, the hire car you will get is usually very new (less than 2 years old). I'm not sure what horror stories your FIL has been telling but you don't have anything to worry about there! Definitely hire a car. No question. You can invent a reason, but to be honest, even if your exMIL does get suspicious, I'd rather have a slightly offended family member than anything happen to my DC. I completely agree with you.

RandomMess · 09/04/2012 08:53

Why doesn't your dh ask MIL for the money towards car hire so instead of flying they drive and ferry there - say that they want the adventure of driving over together type of thing????

If they're in Eire then surely you can put your foot down?

Remind XH just how bad MIL's driving is and how could he live with himself if there is an accident and ds is injured or killed?

RandomMess · 09/04/2012 08:54

Cross posts - if she is in the UK perhaps you should consider reporting her to the DVLA?

jkklpu · 09/04/2012 08:55

Nonsense about Irish hire cars being unsafe. But agree that your XH driving his mother's car seems to be a good option. I'd definitely say that this was the only condition on which ds was going to go in these circumstances.

billgrangersrisotto · 09/04/2012 08:56

Oh, and regarding the Italy trip vs. Ireland trip, I think they are different as your exDH is taking DS to Ireland, but it would be without either of you in Italy. I'd feel the same to be honest. However, I agree that your exDH does need to stand up to his mum, and quickly. It's a question of your son's safety, so no excuses!

FriggFRIGGItsEostreAgain · 09/04/2012 08:59

He needs to just tell his mother the truth.

EldritchCleavage · 09/04/2012 09:04

I would tell him he now has to come clean to his mother about how bad her driving is and explain she can't drive DS.

Tell your MIL yourself if he won't. He isn't the only parent with a right of veto and this is frankly a much much stronger reason to say no than the one he used to say no to your parents.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 09/04/2012 09:10

I think he screaming out for you to put your foot down so he can blame you, give it to him.

RabidEasterEgg · 09/04/2012 09:31

If your mum is happy to pay for car hire then please let her do so.
Youe MIL might be lovely but she is clearly a very bad driver

hathorinareddress · 09/04/2012 09:47

He wants you to either pay for the hire car or be the bad guy and put your foot down.

He doesn't want to stand up to his mother.

ScroobiousPip · 09/04/2012 10:10

Tbh, taking your DS's car seat on the plane is going to be expensive (assuming xMIL has booked budget flights for them) and a real PITA for your xDH if he's travelling alone with a small child and baggage. And you'll have the faff of getting it out of the car this end, refitted in her car the other end, then hauling it back again at the end of the weekend, refitting it to drive home....

Why not just agree to let her know that it'll be far easier for everyone if xDH hires a car with a carseat ready fitted?

SuePurblybiltFromChocolate · 09/04/2012 10:19

XH does alright out of this, doesn't he? Vetos your parent's trip and either you pay for his hire car or you take the blame for putting your foot down.

Scroobious makes a good point re the seat - tell him he tells MIL to pay for ferry/petrol instead, or someone has to hire a car with seat (which MIL won't be insured for and the seat can't be removed from ). I think if you or your mum pays, he should pay you back tbh.

Lueji · 09/04/2012 10:32

I'd be happy to take the blame for XH if that involved my DS being safe, so that xH did all the driving.

zipzap · 09/04/2012 11:15

Vetoes work two ways. If he is happy to veto your parents because he doesn't want your ds going out of the country alone without a parent then just say you are vetoing the trip unless he finds a way to tell his mum that the only way that ds is going to visit xmil is if she doesn't drive him.

Her driving sounds seriously bad. Can't believe they let her keep her license when she so obviously is a menace on the roads. What is fil like at driving? is there an Irish eqivalent of the dvla that you could report her to?

And if xh doesn't like it then tough, ds doesn't get to go. It's not like you are talking about something arbitrary like what to serve for dinner or what colour car to buy. It's your ds's mortal safety and something that your xh has always agreed with. If he's not prepared to tell his mum before going then ds shouldn't go - there's no way he's going to tell his mum in person when he can't tell her over the phone.

If his car is too thirsty to drive over there then would it be cheaper to hire something economical to drive over there from here?

DinahMoHum · 09/04/2012 11:21

if he cant afford a hire car then he cant afford to go. Its an essential part of the holiday and you should not have to stump up

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2012 11:33

It's disgraceful that you or your mum should have to pay for a hire car when he is the one going there! Presumably whilst he's there he won't have other expenses. He has plenty of notice so can put aside some money.

Your ex MIL sounds seriously deranged. Your ex (and I can see why he's an ex) really has to stand up to her.

Couldn't he be put on her insurance, so that he could drive her car whilst he's there?

Regarding Italy, would you be able to go with your son and mum? Could you afford that? You could get out and about on your own, giving her time with your son.

Hebiegebies · 09/04/2012 11:52

For your xMIL to drive your DS, your xH has to let your DS get into the car.

If xMIL refuses to let her son drive, he simply refuses to get into the car and let your DS get in either.

She can only drive people if they get in the car

Time for tough love.

My dad is a safe driver, but as he has a new car aged 78 we paid for an hours driving lesson for him in the new car. It has increased his confidence and shown him what he needs to watch out for to be safer. Could your xH pay for a driving lesson for his mum t show her where she is failing to be safe?

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