Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I am selfish vindicative and hateful

33 replies

ChablisLover · 08/04/2012 23:08

When all I did was switch tv off in bedroom to go to sleep while dh wanted to watch the golf.

I said he could go downstairs

It's a culmination of things really.

He's sat on his backside all weekend watching rugby while I've been slogging getting ready for Easter lunch. Then he had the gall to say when am I starting the spring cleaning- to which I reply when I get the time. Which he says means never!

Dm and df came for tea not lunch because of the rugby - dh(?) comes out fir half hour and then returns to more rugby and just ignored us for most of the day.

He is the most selfish man I know.

Even friends said yesterday's at a kids party it's the most hrs been intetactivr with ds and to calm down.

Fed up to the back teeth but if I say anything I am hateful vindicative bitch. Sometimes I'm much worse too!

Why do I feel in the wrong when all I wanted to do is sleep as I feel like a cold is working on me. Plus I wanted a rennie for indigestion and get a lecture about not eating healthy etc etc. about all the crisps and sweets which he ate! He's even opened ds Haribo and ate them!

God I am angry but don't know how to formulate the argument to show him he is in the wrong.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 08/04/2012 23:15

Your H is a dick. But it sounds like you know that already. So the real question is, what are you going to do? What do you want to happen?

JustHecate · 08/04/2012 23:17

Did you take the remote and turn off the tv without a word, or did you engage in conversation beforehand "I want to sleep now, if you want to carry on watching this, can you go downstairs..."

It sounds like it's about far more than a tv programme though. calling you names is unacceptable and it doesn't sound like he's, erm, what's the word? can't think of it so will say 'participating' in the relationship very much. What are you getting out of the relationship?

Original poster
ChablisLover · 08/04/2012 23:20

Yip he is a dick

I don't know what I want

Fed up and under appreciated. But if I say this I get told I am a martyr. And to wise up.

Would really love to shock him into being more proactive in helping and showing appreciation but don't know how to do it, - really just want him to know he has a good thing and he shouldn't risk it by behaving like this. If his dm knew the way he actrd she would be appalled but to the outside world we are the perfect family (allegedly).

OP posts:
ecclesvet · 08/04/2012 23:30

Turning it off suddenly without warning while he was watching it (if that's what happened) would come off as very passive-aggressive, no matter how justified you think it was.

Original poster
ChablisLover · 08/04/2012 23:31

He told me to go to sleep so I picked up the remote and turned tv off. He knows I prefer to sleep with tv off but he insists on watching it in bed so most nights (except for the ones hrs away) I go to sleep with the tv on cos he's watching it. I try to tell him to turn it down but most nights its I can hardly hear it well go back downstairs and watch tv then. And he wonders why I don't want sky installed in the bedroom

OP posts:
Original poster
ChablisLover · 08/04/2012 23:34

He was surfing internet at the same time so he was hardly giving the golf his full attention. If he was watching it fully then yes it would be seen as passive aggressive but to be surfing Internet at same time to me is not watching a tv programme.

OP posts:
ecclesvet · 08/04/2012 23:35

Well I would definitely see turning off the TV while your partner is watching it a "what are you going to do about it"-type move. Perhaps you should agree a time when the TV has to go off, or a time when you both go to sleep? Or ask him to watch it in silence with subtitles?

ecclesvet · 08/04/2012 23:37

Ah, x-post. If he's on the laptop, he should watch TV on that, there are various ways.

Original poster
ChablisLover · 08/04/2012 23:38

I think the tv is the straw that broke this camels back,

It's been a culmination of everything. I even asked him to put ds to bed and he was like why? Sure you're here why would I? Again am selfish vindicative and hateful for suggesting he spends time with ds and gives me a rest.

OP posts:
DeepThought · 09/04/2012 00:23

he TOLD you to go to sleep?

Does he tell you you when to do other stuff?

Original poster
ChablisLover · 09/04/2012 00:29

So we've had an escalation and I think it's over - this crap has gone on too long and it's not healthy.

So I've told him its over.

OP posts:
DeepThought · 09/04/2012 00:41

okay

has he left the home?

Babylon1 · 09/04/2012 00:46

It does sound like there are things which NEED to change.

Agree a TV off lights off time - sun to thurs in our house it's 10pm. If either of us wants to watch tv later, we either do it online with head phones of go downstairs - but we also don't have sky installed upstairs, bloody thing would never be off!!

I'm a bugger for wanting to read at night, hence the lights off time, only fair IMO!!
Just a thought but have you suggested relate at all?? X

Original poster
ChablisLover · 09/04/2012 00:49

Think things were said in the heat of the moment

He has now come to bed.

Am feeling so confused lonely and upset

I can't talk to anyone in rl.

I think we need something even time apart to assess situation

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 09/04/2012 01:13

Can you not talk to his DM about it?

I've certainly talked to mil about my DH on occasion, and sil too - not to get them involved with petty stuff, but in the face of something potentially marriage breaking??

To talk to her in a way that doesn't pull him down or slag him off, but to make get realise not all is rosy in the garden and you need some advice?? Xx

JustHecate · 09/04/2012 08:06

so you told him you want the relationship to end?

and - he isn't talking to you about this? about what makes you feel this way?

It's been put down to 'heat of the moment'?

That's not good.

Abitwobblynow · 09/04/2012 08:18

OK suddenly switching the TV off added to the prob.

He is on a good thing right now. He sits, you express unhappiness, he knows that if he resists a little bit you will carry on as before so he can sit. All payoff for him! All the time you focus on what he 'should', you are wasting your time energy and emotion.

So forget about him, YOU need to change:

  1. work on stating your truth calmly and clearly without emotion. Setting a consequence, carrying out consequence.

ie. today, Dave, at 6pm I would like you help me and put the children to bed. (Repeat). I will not start on dinner until you have. Do not start until he does. Simple stuff, that affects him.
If he turns it into a confrontation, put the children to bed and leave the house. Take yourself off to the movies/pizza hut and have some time away.

  1. Arranging counselling / Relate so that he gets to hear your unhappiness. At the moment he can deny it, so put him in a place where he can't.

His responses to 1. and 2. will let you know if you have any hope. But YOU need to change YOUR teamwork and automatically doing the right thing - that he both relies on, and takes for granted.

PS Remove the television from the bedroom. TVs should not be in bedrooms!

Gumby · 09/04/2012 08:21

How are things this morning?

Rowood · 09/04/2012 09:03

I have a situ like this too. When my parents or DM is here, he says hello and then fucks off, I would never do that. It's so rude! Angry
When I list all
Of the things I do when I am trying to ask him to be more helpful he says I am throwing anything nice I do for him back in his face????? Don't get it. He massively unappreciates anything I do and criticises it. If I ever criticise him- I am going on at him.....don't know what to do either Sad goodluck

Original poster
ChablisLover · 09/04/2012 09:33

Abitwobblynow - thats very good advice. I must try things like that

I get too emotional - think it comes from Dear parents arguing most of the time

Things are ok this morning in that I got up with ds and left him sleeping in bed.

Can get more things done when he is out of the road.

I really want things to change as it affects everything -my mood, ds mood everything.

Plus then he wonders why i don't want to have sex with him - but sorry when you are exhausted and feel unappreciated and unattractive to him why would you want to get intimate with him!! Men!!

Rowood - it sounds like we are in the same situation. If i ever criticise i am in the wrong as he is always right. He thinks he knows ds really well and an example is to keep him up later so he sleeps later. Whereas I know by keeping him up later he gets more tired, he wakes up at the same time tired as he didnt get a good sleep and I get more exhausted. BUT DH never gets affected by this so he does not see it. Bit like the washing and ironing - he never does it so does not see it but he can focus on the small things like a pile of cds with no case and he says that makes him so depressed. I could tell him being in a marriage where you are taken forgranted and underappreciatted and unattractive makes you depressed!

OP posts:
joanna2012 · 09/04/2012 10:00

id refuse to get upset about it

if he said I never spring clean, i would just shrug and say well you know where the dusters are love

if you let people get to you, thats your weakness. just shrug it off

struwelpeter · 09/04/2012 10:59

You need to call him on "vindictive bitch", that is verbal abuse. Does he call you any other names? Do you call him names? Do other people you might have annoyed without meaning to call you that? Unlikely.

As someone upthread said, set some boundaries re TV, the amount of sport he watches or you getting some time to yourself in lieu i.e. if he watches all this because it is important to him, you get to go out with friends or whatever.
This is clearly not a partnership and his reaction to your calm, unemotive request to change the dynamic will tell you what you need to know.

Original poster
ChablisLover · 09/04/2012 18:25

So forced family day out for sake of ds and he again raises the tidying up.

I just happened to say we would go out tomorrow morning to get ds feet measured and to give him peace as he works from home and he says so you're not tidying up then. I can't win. So just told him I was not having that discussion and it would get done.
Seems like he wants to pick on me. Now it's about books I ordered from amazon and I am sending back and he's all I thought u were sending those back so I say the printer isn't on to print off labels and besides post office shut!

Just staying out of the way till ds bath time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChablisLover · 09/04/2012 18:39

God now he's starting on the Easter eggs! That I should throw them out as he'll eat them all! He threw out the leftover chocolate cake yesterday !

Sorry but they are not yours to decide what to do with them.

OP posts:
Doha · 09/04/2012 18:51

So you told him it's over and he didn't believe you..so what did you do?
You went on a day out together--that's mixed messages you are sending him.

So now tell him it is over and MEAN IT. you obviously backtracked and he doesn't believe you.

He is emotionally and verbally abusive and will continue to be so until you decide what to do and call the shots.

Stop tip toeingabout and pandering to this man.