it just got worse, where do i go from here? :'-(

[nowthatyouremine]

i posted for the first time a few days ago. my bf is ea. i accept this but it hurts like hell. he has been on a 2 day bender and spent the last 60 or 70 quid to our names. on thurs he said he would leave- house owned in his name only. tonight i was very strong and said "you have ea for years, you have ground me down and ive reacted terribly at times but i wont let it happen anymore". he laughed, smirked, said i was as bad as him, he hates me, wants me to die etc. this makes me so angry and i react when i know i shouldnt. i know the issues in this relationship are down to him am.nd his awful attitude life but in particular me.
i tried to ring my dad, basically so i wasnt alone with him and try get him to leave as he said he would. of course this made him angry- "you are just a problem to everyone, you want to get everyone involved etc"he spat at me, called me no end of names and grabbed my phone out of my hand.
hes now left, im devaststed at what this relationship has come to. we have a gorgeous 15month old son- thankfully flat out in bed- who doesnt deserve this one bit. i feel so guilty that i cant make this ok for him.
part of me does question mypart in this, ive stayed and reacted to his psychological bullshit for months going onto years and its basically turned me into a demorilised, stressed out and resentful person. i also question whether he would treat anyone like this or is it just me? do i genuinely make him treat me like this or is it just that theres no love left?!?
a few nights ago i asked dp to see to ds during night(hes teething and isnt sleeping well) as im working full time, dp isnt and id seen to ds every niht for weeks. he rolled over and went back to sleep. i admit i got a bit peeved and said something along the lines of "ffs. ....give me a break will you" his reply?? "ill put you through that wall if you want you dafc c*nt". he thinks this is normal!?!
i know if i did everything around house and with ds without asking dp for anything we would be fine, we argue cos he is lazy so yeah im probably 'on his case'.hence his reasoning that its just as much me causing these problems.
i dont want to split this family up, id love him to seek help and change his ways.i dont ask much, im a good person who works hard and worships my ds and dp. is there a way of showing him how appalling his behviour is or is he a lost cause?
anyone with similar experiences with a happy ending with their dp?? im.clutching at straws i know...i just want to be cared for a little and to have an easy life

Leave. He will NEVER change and he has zero respect for you.

So sorry but this is not normal.

Contact women's aid x

I think he's a lost cause & you need to stop him returning. This is domestic abuse. It's not your fault.

Agree with Pumpster
He threatened to put you through a wall
That's your wake up call to leave

This could have been me posting three years ago. I clutched at straws, tried to rescue a relationship when I was essentially the only one in it.
I got similar to you. I worked, he didn't. He used to put the earplugs in when I cried, ignore me when I ranted because I wanted to fix it, I wore myself out coming up with solutions that he ignored. Then he left for OW, lucky her!
So no you can't fix it. Only he can do that and only he can do it if he wants to.
Look at the EA thread and follow the links.
Great starter is Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? The very simple answer is because he can.
He knows you are vulnerable, you love the DP he was at one point, but that man was an illusion. He probably hates you because you are strong and he is weak.
Please get out so that you can think straight. As well as WA, ring Respect as they deal with men who are trying to change and have a great understanding of the very predictable scripts these men use.

Its not you, its him. He is a lost cause and there will be no happy ending for you here if you were to stay with this man. He will do untold emotional harm as well as you further if you remain within this.

You cannot resuce him and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. You're the last person who can help him, besides which he does not want your help.

This is no legacy to leave your child; you and your son deserve far better.

Do contact Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

is there a way of showing him how appalling his behviour is or is he a lost cause?

Only by leaving him. Then perhaps he may realise how bad it is, but it may be too late for you.

He doesn't seem to have any respect for you or care at all. Or to care for your DC for that matter.

:(

This is domestic abuse and you should contact Women's Aid. Look on their website to see if there is a service local to you as it's often easier to get through to them than to the national line. Read the Lundy book if you can, it will help you understand what you have been through. You owe it to yourself and DS to get out of this horrible environment. You will find it much easier to manage once you're on your own without all the stress your bf is putting you through.

Good to hear he has gone.

Can you go and stay at your dads?

You deserve so much more than this, you asked him to help with the night time shift and even though he doesn't need to go to work in the morning but you do he threatened to smash you through a wall and called you a cunt?

You will find supprt here but you already know the answer to what you need to do.

sounds like this post could have almost been written for me! only I've very slowly come to terms with the fact that he is never going to change. After splitting up 6months ago it's only been the last few weeks that I can say him and his attitude towards life is not what I want for me or our dd! There are times when I still hope that things could change but deep down I know they won't! Now I have dd, thinking of her and her future makes me even stronger and more determined.

You want to be cared for and have an easy life...start by letting him go.

You can make it OK for your DS. Leave.

Letting him grow up in a world like this will do him (and you of course) untold damage. If you cant go for your own sake, go for his. Your 'partner' wont change and he IS a lost cause. Save yourself and your son, your partner can fuck off, and I dont normally swear on here.....

Please get yourself some help to move on, and rediscover the person within you that this man has destroyed xx

ntym - So sorry that you are going through such an awful time; think of your gorgeous little boy!

Have nothing to do with the twunt and make a new life for yourself and your lad!

Best wishes!

you cant stay with him. He doesnt love you. No amount of therapy or going to the doctor is going to change him. Its not like he doesnt know its not right to speak to you like that. Its blatant. You need to get out for your own self respect if not safety

It's not you that is the cause of splitting your unit up -its him.

It is NOT acceptable for you and your child to remain in this situation.

You should not feel any guilt but you do need to take responsibility and act on the facts of his behaviour and your need to be cared for.

There is NOTHING you can do to show someone how appalling their behaviour is when it is this extreme (spitting at you? threatening to put you through the wall??? calling you a *unt? spending your last pounds on booze?) other than starting a new chapter of your life without him. Yes he is a lot cause. You and your son are NOT lost causes. Please ask for help to move on and ask your Dad for support. xxxxx

thank you for your repies, i know i need to leave. i need to find the strength to do so.
my family know what he is like but certainly dont know the extent of it. i think i need to tell them- ive hushed thing up and covered for him for so long. its utterly exhausting.
ive already ordered the lundy book having seen it mentioned on other posts several times.
i feel foolish for staying so long and ashamed that ive allowed myself to be drawn in and retaliate, i know he will make life as difficult as possible. i really need to know how to rise above it and stay calm. i have a counselling app on wed and im going to bring all of this up having previously (stupidly) covered for him/ protected him etc.
thank u for your thoughts, its unbelievably helpful just to talk!

Don't feel foolish, it's not easy to admit to yourself and others how things really are and every time things are OK you kid yourself things have changed? But they won't and you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and don't be manipulated - when he realises that you are toughening up against him he might have an attempt at trying to get you back onside - don't fall for it.

OP, it would help you to stay strong if you were to read what you've written. He really is appalling.

I realise you have no money so there's no point in suggesting anything like you should pay for a new flat etc. I don't think he will leave home so that you can live in it. If you remained there without him, he'd give you no end of hassle.

Is it possible for you to stay with your family until you sort something out? If not, I think you should contact Women's Aid. Your boyfriend's language isn't just abusive; he's threatening to really badly hurt you and has said he wants you to die.

For your sake and your child's sake, get out of there as quickly as you can.

ok ive taken the first steps, my mum is aware of whats happening. ill be ringing tomorrow to enquire about housing benefit to see how quickly i can get somewhere else.
bf is being an arse, talking access already. he insisting on 50/50 time with each of us. i dont think this is right for ds at all. ive been main carer since day one, dp did v little and although he has started to do more its not a great deal. im so scared of being seperated from my ds at all although i do want his dad to be in his life. im thinking of 2 overnights a week to start with, he digging heels in. does anyone know where we would stand in court?! court is the last thing i want for my ds but i know dp's demands are just an extention of his bullying ways and dont want to just roll over and give up time with my son- time ive always treasured when he hasnt basically. god the thought of this is killing me, i know it needs to be done but losing time with my ds breaks my heart. any advice on what court would decide, im assuming they would agree with dp?!?

Great news that you have taken your first steps!

He is now trying to control you over childcare, if it was me I would agree with him on his stupid requests.

Tell him it will all work out, I bet he doesn't put as much effort in arranging the contact as he does bullying & scaring you over it.

Don't be afraid of going to court. If he's a bully, that would be noted immediately. In reality there's no way he'll actually want your son 50/50 - he'll get used to going out drinking at night and won't want the responsibility. Tell him your solicitor will speak to his about it. Once he's had a few nights going out, he won't be hassling you for contact.

"ill put you through that wall if you want you dafc c*nt" ???

Run for the hills. Seriously.
I'm glad you are telling your family, pull no punches.

I'm sorry i have no legal advise but maybe contact CAB and make an appointment?

Are you staying in the house?

im at the house at the minute, only for ease and as its my sons home. he only left when my mum came to ask him to. ive emailed womans aid.
he has made it clear he wants house although i know at the minute he is saying anything to be awkward. i will be leaving. im looking at rental properties online, just got to work out how much help i will get etc so im hoping theres someone i can speak with at the local council offices.
the thing is he has me questioning whether i am just as bad as him. the things he does and says are so utterly cruel and unfair that i have reacted. i react angrily and sob and call him names back. i try to hurt him like he hurts me and i know its not right. it gives him ammunition, he can say im nasty too. im scared that if it comes to solicitors it will appear that it is me just as mich as him. i know i shouldnt react like this, i think i do because i have loved him so so much. ive been to hell and back with hima nd been worn further and further down. im ashamed of myself. utterly utterly ashamed of myself for letting it get to this point. i want to be the strong confident fiesty girl i once was.
i worship my son, we have an amazing bond. ive probably been over protective but im a first time mum and he was a very poorly preemie. ive been like a single mum since he was born and the thought of being seperated for any length of time physically hurts. it shouldnt be like this,when he cries during night i should be there, WE should be there.
im so sorry for rambling. i really appreciate every reply, each one has an effect and strengthens me. i know if it wasnt for ds and the sharing custody id go tomoro, change my number and not look back.
im trying my hardest to stay strong,i really am x

Listen, phone women's aid ASAP & also get down to housing first thing & say your safety is at risk - they will arrange emergency housing. Your family support worker at your nearest children's centre & health visitor will also help. You are NOT as bad as him. Please get out ASAP. Re the contact I agree - just agree with whatever he says & then when you're safe it can all be sorted through mediation and/or support workers etc or legally if necessary. You have nothing to fear except if you stay.

The strong, confident woman is showing herself again. Great steps with your research and getting your mum onboard...now you just have to keep on pushing, pushing, pushing your way out. There is NOTHING that you won't be able to handle or sort. YES get yeself to Housing asap and local DV org/Women's Aid. Research, talk, ask, act quickly xxx

Just get the fuck out. Your baby doens't care where his house is as home is where you are. Go and stay with a parent until you can get your own place and don't look back. Your ex will soon bugger off. He no more wants 50/50 custody than I want to grow another head.