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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very Odd Sister - What would you do?

33 replies

Roseformeplease · 07/04/2012 19:26

My sister was due to come and stay for the weekend from abroad. She rang to invite herself and we said fine and agreed to come back from holiday early to meet her in the city. She rang to say she had missed her flight and would be a day late. We were already committed to leaving a day early so left anyway. The original plan was for her to meet us at our flat, probably arriving an hour or two before us. During the day she began texting as we journeyed home, eventually saying that unless we would drive 3 hours today to pick her up from the airport (through 2 cities) she was not coming. She had been due to get the train - 40 mins very comfortable and easy. She has accused me of not loving her and of depriving my children of the chance to see her. Alcohol maybe involved but what would you do? She didn't turn up and instead flew somewhere else - not sure where. Advice? She is a bit of a toddler and am inclined to ignore but she is alone and lonely so still feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 07/04/2012 19:33

It seems a bit much to expect you to drive 3 hours when a short train journey would have got her there much quicker. She will need to make the effort if she has invited herself and not expect people to drop everything at her say so.

Conflugenglugen · 07/04/2012 19:42

Roseformeplease - Is this behaviour in or out of character for her?

Helltotheno · 07/04/2012 19:44

Don't feel sorry for her, she is selfish and manipulative. If she really wanted to see you and your children, she'd make an effort. It's not all up to you. Whatever you do, don't give into her and say you're feeling bad etc etc, it was HER decision to change her plans, just because you didn't give into her childish demands. I have experience of dealing with people like this and trust me, they are best left to their own devices.

Original poster
Roseformeplease · 07/04/2012 20:36

Definitely in character. She always wants things done her way and usually gets it by paying. Hence, we will go to this restaurant - I am paying etc. I think she felt that buying the flight (her choice) meant getting her own way in everything. Alcohol may be a factor. I held firm because my husband helped me be strong but I usually cave in so she gets her own way. Last time she stayed she spent most of the time moaning about the cold (heating on full blast, own heater and log fire) and bitching about us on the phone. I just feel so sorry for her that she has ruined her weekend by being such a stubborn princess. We have each other but she is alone and it is only going to get worse as she pulls more stunts like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseformeplease · 07/04/2012 20:44

Her final message reads" you can't be arsed to drive 52 miles to come and pick me up. I adore your children but you ? My god you have no love or regard for me. Never have. Never will. and * always picked me up (nb 15 miles to airport no bus or train) they care about me. You don't. Never have! Doubt will get on plane tomorrow or ever and you rob your children of a fantastic loving aunt."

When we visit another sister we always get the train to the centre of town and this one has never picked me up from an airport, always got bus, tube etc as we are all adults.

So upset by all this. The children, thankfully, are not bothered at all.

OP posts:
awbless · 07/04/2012 21:01

I think it's up to your DC's to make their mind up if she is "fantastic loving Aunt". Anyone who feels the need to tell people what they are - usually aren't.

Get on with your own life and let her crack on with hers. She sounds far to much like hard work to me.

Original poster
Roseformeplease · 07/04/2012 21:08

Thanks so much. Am beginning to feel better. Love MN.

OP posts:
Conflugenglugen · 07/04/2012 22:37

Yes, Roseformeplease, perhaps what MN does is to offer perspective when we are just too close to a situation to see clearly. Heaven knows I find it hard to separate things out with my often very dysfunctional family. Getting an outside opinion is often a revelation ... if I manage to hold on to it for long enough without my history distorting it, iyswim.

So, here you go - perspective: what your sister wrote is utterly hurtful but it has little or nothing to do with you. Often when people are hurting deeply whether anger, pain, fear, grief -- they'll throw it out in the hope it'll stick to someone else. Family members are good recipients for this because they, to a greater extent, buy into the story that person is spinning. You might love her, but you don't have to buy it any more. I hope you can hang on to that.

UnMNetty hugs.

RandomMess · 07/04/2012 22:41

Eurgh she was just using emotional blackmail on you, you are entitled to have a relationship with her on your terms. You were very reasonable in changing your plans to accommodate her self-invite Smile

Ignore, ignore, ignore!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 07/04/2012 22:42

wow! Your sister is a selfish, self indulgent brat. Where is she from? How old is she?

Obviously indulging her behaviour is not on at all. Stick to your guns. You left your holiday early to have her stay with you. Surely if she can get on a plane to fly to you she can get a train to the town you live.

Original poster
Roseformeplease · 07/04/2012 22:50

Jax - my sister is, believe it or not, 41 years old with a good job. She works overseas and I haven't seen her for nearly 2 years, since our Dad's funeral. She lived in the UK for part of that time but never came to visit and never visited my Mum who is very upset. My holiday had been to see my Mum and another sister and so I feel terrible as I could have spent more time with them instead of coming back. She has pushed too far but I have always felt that I didn't want her to be alone. But will now ignore and come here for added spine when required!

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nolongeramug · 07/04/2012 22:53

My god.. Sounds like she has no DC as she is behaving childish, pathetic and self absorbed. I would not even bother to reply, that is what she clearly wants. What is wrong with some people!

Helltotheno · 07/04/2012 23:03

Sounds like she has no DC as she is behaving childish, pathetic and self absorbed

Plenty of people with DC are childish, pathetic and self-absorbed though!
And of course plenty without DC are none of the above. It's down to personalities imo.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 08/04/2012 10:12

She has obviously been seriously indulged by her family (take it no husband/children) in the past, please dont allow her to treat you like this.

Dont you worry, MN will strengthen your spine. Grin

ImperialBlether · 08/04/2012 10:15

She does sound awful. Have you ever been to see her? What's her hospitality like?

squeakytoy · 08/04/2012 10:18

Is she saying the airport is 52 miles from you? That isnt a 3 hour drive? But she does sound very much hard work.

heliumballoons · 08/04/2012 10:26

52 miles away is a 3 hour round trip though. Maybe longer on a BH?

YANBU, she is. She made you leave your/her family early so she could visit and then kept expecting you to run around after her. Arrangements were made and she should stick to them IMO.

CailinDana · 08/04/2012 10:30

She sounds very like my sister. I would still be getting this sort of manipulative crap if I hadn't laid down the law with her years ago and told her to her face that I was ignoring anything that came out of her mouth except positive, kind words. That's the reason we have barely spoken for about three years. The last time she texted me was when I pregnant with DS, to tell me what a bitch I was for asking our parents to stay in a hotel when they visited after DS was born. Bear in mind that she never texted me once at any other stage in my pregnancy to find out how I was. I texted back saying "Remember what I said" and I heard nothing more from her.

I know it's hurtful, I know she can pull your strings, but you really have to draw the line and stop being her punching bag. I know for a fact that my sister sets people up to "hurt" her - for example by asking people for money they don't have and then throwing a strop and making out the whole world is against her and we're all "inconsiderate" (her favourite word). It sounds like your sister has done the same thing, by making you come home early (which you could have refused to do - instant strop) and then when you agreed to that, by demanding you come and collect her. She is trying to get you to do things that she can strop over. She is playing you. Don't let her.

I do feel sorry for my sister, she is lonely and bitter. But until she sorts herself out and realises that she needs to change, then there's nothing I can do to help her.

Original poster
Roseformeplease · 08/04/2012 12:30

It is 52 miles each way through 2 major cities to the airport. I estimated 3 hour round trip but it could have been longer with parking etc.

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Original poster
Roseformeplease · 08/04/2012 12:35

Cailin, I really like what you said to your sister- can I borrow that? We have only stayed with her once overseas and never in the UK. She was out of work so we paid for everything - fair enough as it was only 1 extra and she has been generous in the past. But on our last night she left the apartment to go out drinking with friends and came in at 4am so drunk she tried to climb into out wardrobe. We had to leave for our flight an hour later. I think alcohol has a lot to do with it but being alone has made her very bitter and twisted. No children and a messy divorce along with many, many failed relationships mean her life can't be much fun. But we wanted to show her our favourite city and try to make her happy. However, I think MN is right. We can't give in and she is responsible for her own life.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 08/04/2012 14:47

Leave the doors open for her metaphorically speaking so she can return to you when she has worked through her issues

fiventhree · 08/04/2012 17:02

H's sister is over 50, and an alcoholic, and spectacularly self obsessed. Wants everything her way too, so h prefers to keep her at a distance anyway. I think overuse of alcohol and that kind of selfishness often go together.

We also have another friend who I have sadly really distanced myself from, after very many years, too. A real pity. Luckily she lives 3 hours away by train.

The issue with her is similar- she is a truly dreadful house guest and flies into a rage if things dont go her way. She came here last for a 50th birthday party (mine) and embarrassed me in front of every one with her tantrums and selfishness all weekend. Other friends and family were Shock.

Interestingly, she is mid 40s and single. She lies alone and always has, although a couple of longer term lodgers have been given the boot over time as 'they drove her' mad. She also spoiled a holiday we paid for in a nice villa, offering her a free room, over all sorts of small nonsense. I am not sure she was always like this, but I do think a combination of living alone for along time and no kids have not helped her to fit in around other people at all. This has not occurred to her, and she wouldnt have it at all when I raised it. So I did wonder whether that might be a factor with your sister, too.

fiventhree · 08/04/2012 17:03

lives!

Original poster
Roseformeplease · 08/04/2012 19:05

It is interesting, isn't it, that there are such similar kinds of behaviour from people who rely on alcohol so much. Do you think the alcohol leads to this kind of behaviour or the personality type leads to becoming alcohol dependent? Chicken or egg?

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Squeegle · 08/04/2012 19:17

I definitely agree that alcohol and "I am a poor victim" behaviour go together. Probably a bit of a vicious circle: " poor me, poor me, pour me another" . I am really sorry your sister is laying the guilt on you like this. And that's what it is. You are definitely not depriving your kids of a loving aunt. If she was loving she would not be so rude to their mum. You sound kind; I guess now it's time for your love to become tough, you're not doing any favours by bending over backwards for someone who is unkind to you. I know, I've done it myself.