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Relationships

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Original poster

Is casual sex EVER a good idea?

31 replies

toptramp · 07/04/2012 18:37

I've met a guy online. Things have got quite steamy and we havn't even met yet.I don't normally find this kind of sexual rapport online. He wants to ''hook up''. So do I. In the long term I am looking for a relationship. This guy works for a law firm and is retraining in another field so he dosn't have time for a full on relationship. I would like to meet up and have some fun but I am worried about getting too attached. Should I just resist my natural urges to shag his brains out or just have a bit of fun and move on?

OP posts:

Original poster

toptramp · 07/04/2012 18:38

What I am worried about is falling for someone who is unavailable.

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AKissIsNotAContract · 07/04/2012 18:40

I've enjoyed plenty of casual sex in the past. Don't do it if you think you'll get attached though. It helps to pick a man who'd make a shit boyfriend then you won't start thinking of him as a potential relationship.

UnhappyLizzie · 07/04/2012 18:40

It's better to regret something you did do than to regret not doing something. If you are both single I don't see what the problem is.

BeaMinor · 07/04/2012 18:45

I think if you're already worried about falling for him then maybe you're not ready for the casual stuff, especially as you say you are looking for a relationship LT.
I had some great casual sex when I was younger but it was because neither of us wanted a relationship. In contrast, my worst sexual experiences were with a guy I hooked up with but real wanted a relationship with. He was my dream guy in many ways but wasn't looking for a relationship and I (embarrassingly) thought I could change his mind. Needless to say, I didn't and it messed my head up for a bit.

Original poster

toptramp · 07/04/2012 18:47

You see I'm thinking I like him a bit too much already. I'm going to back off for a bit and not put all my eggs in one basket!

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Original poster

toptramp · 07/04/2012 18:49

But then again we have had some dirty discusions which have made me hot for him. grrrrrrrrrrr! I might just keep him on a back burner and find some other interests who might be in it for the long term in the mean time.

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BellaOfTheBalls · 07/04/2012 19:08

In my considerable experience casual sex rarely, if ever leads to a relationship unless you can guarantee that you are such dynamite in bed that once he's found you he will never want to let you go.

Give it up easily & often they'll assume you're good for one thing only.

izzyizin · 07/04/2012 19:22

What I am worried about is falling for someone who is unavailable

What you should be worried about is talking dirty to falling for someone you haven't even met!

From what you've said, he is available - but not all the time euphemism for married?.

If you meet up with him it could be that there's no chemistry, but if the force is overwhelming you can jump his bones and see where it goes.

If you don't meet him, you'll never know.

solidgoldbrass · 07/04/2012 19:25

Haven't you posted several times before about having casual sex, mistaking it for True Love and making a bit of a knob of yourself? Casual sex is great, and a very healthy thing to do as it shows you that you don't have to put up with crap from men. However, if you are basically desperate hopeful that a quick shag will turn into a relationship, you probably shouldn't do the casual thing. Because it's unfair on both you and the other person, who has, after all, been upfront and honest about having no desire for a relationship and therefore shouldn't have to put up with blubbing, stalking and slagging off after the sex is over and done with.

Original poster

toptramp · 07/04/2012 19:30

I think I need to just see him the once and then move on. Just because I will never know if I don't. He won't be what I want from a bf but he is most definately what I want from a shag !

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BeforeAndAfter · 07/04/2012 19:38

I met a bloke on-line. We were a perfect match and couldn't meet for a couple of weeks as he was abroad. Intellectually we sparred beautifully. Our sense of humour matched. Our professions and our ambitions matched. We spoke on the phone for hours. In writing we moved on from finding out about each other, with loads of jokes thrown in, to ranching it up big time. Then we met. He did not resemble his photos. He had about 10 photos on-line. He sent me 3 current photos. He is deeply photogenic and all photos excluded the massive stomach. It's not just the looks - he didn't have the presence, the dress sense, the pzazz.

We had talked about breakfast in bed the morning after we met and I'd bought croissants (yes, I'm a hussy these days ...) and I have to say, I did wonder if, given how far I'd lead him down the raunchy chat path, I owed him a "pity shag". I decided that hell would freeze over first so I told him that he was not my type and that I was really sorry to have lead him on. He did ask if that would change with time and I gave him a firm no. He texted me later that night to say he was sorry it hadn't worked out because he was so incredibly good in bed and I texted him to say sorry I'd gone along with the rauncy texts and messages and that I'd never meant to lead him on or hurt him. We've never communicated since.

I guess what I'm saying is be careful - chemistry on-line does not equal chemistry in real life.

sasslejaney84 · 07/04/2012 19:49

I've had a couple of 'sexual only' type 'relationships', basically a fuck-buddy to put it bluntly!!

The relationship started as a no strings relationship and ended when I got with my ex, there was no bitching, no fighting just us meeting for a drink and saying ok back to friends only! We are still friends and meet up once a month, my now OH knows what our friendship used to entail and knows that we are just friends, nothing else will happen!

One of them wanted more and I wasn't prepared to give him what he wanted... We no longer speak [busad]

I think as long as you know and are happy with it being just sex then go for it, in your case I doubt it would work though! (Personal opnion and that)

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2012 19:49

Imagine that you really, really like him when you meet up and the sex is fantastic and he's exactly what you hoped he'd be and then he just says, "Look, I'm sorry, I just wanted a shag. I don't want to see you again."

Listen to what he's saying. He's telling you he only wants a shag. If you met someone on a course and had a one night stand, that's one thing, but to plan a one night stand or similar with someone you really like? You'll get hurt.

ameliagrey · 07/04/2012 20:23

I'm maried so can't join in the fun, but for me I could not have sex with no emotional connection. I have to REALLY like a guy to have sex with him and the biggest turn on for me is the connection that starts in my head.

Years ago, pre- DH - I had a once a week relationship with a newly divorced man who told me from day 1 that he was not looking for another relationship- and that we were poles apart in what we wanted- he already had a child and an ex, I was mid 20s and looking for " the one".

I decided to keep on seeing him as I liked him. This lasted for a year. In the end he dumped me for another woman, then that fizzled out ad he came back to me, but by then I had met DH so we never met again.

I think the only way it worked for me was that although I liked him, there were some things that did put me off in terms of a long term relationship with him, so I wasn't too hurt when it ended. And as he had been honest from Day 1, I was able to keep a bit back.

In your case though, you need to be honest. There is lots of evidence around that fuck buddies do not work for women- someone was posting here last week saying that even germaine greer is now saying that the only people who really get much out of FB scenario is men.

purpleroses · 07/04/2012 20:28

I'd be worried about anyone on online dating who says he isn't looking for a relationship - I'd assume he is probably already married or in a long term relationship. Otherwise, ime, most people are like you - they might go for casual sex if it comes along, but they'd also be up for a proper relationship if they met the right person. If he's saying upfront that that's not even a possibility I would strongly suspect that he's already married.

Original poster

toptramp · 07/04/2012 20:37

Hmmmm.... I have thought about that.

OP posts:

Original poster

toptramp · 07/04/2012 20:38

I offered to make him a nice cup of horlicks if there is no chemistry. He has phoned me a few times late at night which suggests he might not be married. If he was he wouldn't dare call so late would he? He finished his last relationship about 1.5 years ago apparently. I wouldn't want to shag someone else's man.

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Original poster

toptramp · 07/04/2012 20:46

He said he would consider a proper relationship if one came along but tbh I think we have gone too far along the smut route for that to happen! I am going to cast my net wide again!

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ByAThread · 07/04/2012 20:50

I've had a similar experience to beforeandafter, I met someone online and there was loads of chemistry....until we met. Nothing. All the confidence and charisma he showed online just wasn't there in person and we didn't get past the first drink. Online chemistry definitely doesn't always equal real life chemistry.

purpleroses · 07/04/2012 20:50

I met up with a few guys from internet dating, and none, to my knowledge were married. But I did also meet a guy from a speedating event who only told me after several weeks into what I thought was a relationship that he in fact was . So I'd tend to be wary.

If he's been telling you about his last relationship, that's probably a good sign - but yes I think you can mess things up relationship-wise if you head too quickly down a different route

solidgoldbrass · 07/04/2012 21:39

Look, it's utter bullshit that women can't have casual sex without falling in love. That's just the patriarchy talking and it translates as 'women MUST be owned, they can't be allowed to be in charge of their own sexuality.'

This isn't to say it's necessarily a bad thing to prefer sex-with-commitment, just that it's neither inevitable nor compulsory to need or feel a 'deep connection' with someone just because s/he is a good shag.

Thing is, there are no guarantees. To have sex or even date, you have to understand that you are responsible for your own feelings and your own wellbeing, and that no one owes you either sex or a committed relationship, no matter how much you might want that from them.

ameliagrey · 07/04/2012 22:32

SGB do you think your views might carry more weight if you talked alittle from the heart and what suits you rather than trying to score points with the usual "My view's better than yours."

You are terribly rude and aggressive.

I do't think anyone on thsi thread has said that it's black and white. What has been posted are personal experiences/

BellaOfTheBalls · 07/04/2012 23:26

Not all men on t'internet who are "not looking for anything serious" are married. I got a message from a guy who having just got out a long term relationship that ended very badly just wanted to try talking to women again with no pressure. He was funny, charming, interesting & very flirtatious. We had a lot in common & found it easy to talk to each other. We exchanged numbers & spoke/text/emailed most days. Had we been closer I think we would have met up sooner, had the casual sex & made things ridiculously awkward but as it was it took us about 2.5-3 years before we met properly.

6 years later; I'm marrying him next month.

solidgoldbrass · 07/04/2012 23:46

Amelia, you're the one insisting that women can't do casual sex. As though having ovaries means our brains function differently.

AnxiousPanxious · 07/04/2012 23:54

I've done the fuck-buddy thing with no falling in lurve and no expectations.
It's totally manageable, HOWEVER I wouldn't have gone down the internet route fgs! It was someone I knew.
You do not know this person. I wouldn't even go near committing to sex with a totally unknown person.

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