I've had ENOUGH of his stupid bad mood and weirdness!!

[NomNomNom]

Right. This is it! There's a long backstory, but short summary is this: Husband was sex addict, turns out he was abused quite horrendously by parents and someone outside the family. Since the big reveal he's been on antidepressants, and once he got started on antipsychotics too, his moods levelled out a bit.

Now he has to reduce the antipsychotics as they're only meant for short-term use. Ideally you would think such a move would be planned carefully in advance with the mother of one's child, but why do this when you can just do it on your own without keeping people in the loop!

I've just had my family to visit for a few weeks which is usually a big emotional stress for me (not best relationship). H was no support, in fact I barely heard from him apart from when he picked DD up etc.

Now it's Easter and bank holidays, so he has 4 days off work. We both thought we would do something fun together because he rarely has time off work, but when he turned up yesterday morning he was SO ANNOYING that I said no to doing anything together.

It's rubbish from the second he knocks on the door. He comes in, sits on the sofa and does.not.move. Won't suggest anything specific to do, won't get things or DD ready to go. He offered to take us out for lunch, which is nice, but I know he's overdrawn (because he told me), but he thinks that's fine and he doesn't need to work on getting out of his overdraft because he has a regular (good) income. I disagree because why should you be in debt if you don't need to be. So anyway, it all kicked off from there. I was feeling rubbish anyway, and usually when I cry he does absolutely nothing, just keeps ranting at me. Then he cries, because he cries every time I cry.

I really wanted to keep things civil because I'd love to have another baby soon, and had convinced myself I could do it all on my own with no support or input from him (apart from the obvious). But then I thought pregnancy is difficult, and it would be more enjoyable with someone who is fully involved and supportive. He can't even be nice to me when everything is going fine!! So why would he be nice to me when I'm pregnant?!

Wanting another baby has been the main thing tying me to him and making me hang on to the hope of a better relationship. But he will not change anytime soon. It takes a truly nasty person to see your wife crying and not trying to make her feel better.

Having read a few websites linked to on other threads I wonder if he has narcissistic traits. He can't deal with criticism. In counselling the counsellor had me almost convinced I was too critical and had to phrase things differently, but now I think he just can't take anything that is not admiration. He is quite full of himself when it comes to his work, although oddly he also seems to struggle sometimes. He prides himself on being different from his colleagues and how he's so much more clever, always trying to convince the bosses with random ideas on how to do thing better.

He seems incapable of understanding my feelings or the fact that I have them. Sometimes he's ok, but things are usually only bearable if it involves food or spending money in some way, which doesn't seem right to me.

Now I am so fed up with his behaviour and how little he seems to care about me that I am done!!!

You're still married and want another baby with him but you don't live together or share finances? Is that part of his treatment or as a result of something?
Sorry if I've missed a big backstory, I have no memory.

We haven't lived together since I found out he had contacted escorts and done the webcam sex thing and various other things I wan't ok with. While I was pregnant.

I wanted another baby so that DD could have a sibling and I really want to have several children, and I thought we've done it together once before, I kind of know how he ticks, and he's reliable when it comes to financial and practical support. When it comes to doing things I ask of him, he's great!

The silly thing is, I could forgive him for all of the sex stuff, but I can't get past how he's been treating me. I suddenly realised that during my pregnancy with DD I used to get up in the morning and cry because the SPD was so painful, and he wouldn't say anything! Not once! If we had another baby, I don't think he'd be lovey-dovey in any way because he is not now, so why would he be different then!

I can't make out for your OP if you are in fact over critical of him or not.

One thing that did stick out is that you complain he just comes in and sits on the sofa . . . he is on very, very strong drugs! I am impressed he can even stay upright! I was on much milder anti depressants and my friends and family tell me that during that time I used to just sit and hardly move. I was aware that I felt very tired but I wasn't aware that I wasn't moving much.

So to me that seems harsh, as though you are making no allowances for his medication and the fact that he is going through something enormous. Confronting the fact that he was mollested as a child will be turning his whole life upside down.

All your OP says to me is that you are thinking of you. YOU don't want him to be in his overdraft for eg. I don't see why this is relevant really, to anything. Some people don't like debt, you are obviously one of them, but not everyone agrees. You don't get to dictate to him how to live.

His liking of spending money or eating sounds like he uses those things to try to make himself feel better. It's not a surprise really. Has it not accured to you that this is linked?

You say he's not nice to you but you haven't written HOW he is not nice to you. You say he doesn't care about you and is not nice to you and isn't bothered if you are upset, but you also say that he cries if you cry. That sounds like a man who is bothered.

It doesn't sound to me like you like him much, you just want both your children to have the same dad. You want him to change so that you can borrow his sperm in the future. How about thinking of him and the horrific time he is going through.

All I know is that a baby puts strain on the strongest of relationships and yours sounds far from strong at the moment. I kind of understand you wanting a sibling for your dd but I think your priorities are a bit mixed up. Your dh sounds like he's going through turmoil emotionally and I think you should cut him some slack and try and support him at this time.

I agree the overdraft thing is irrelevant, some people mind being in their overdraft, some don't, you shouldn't force your opinion about this on to him.

Is this a wind-up?

Let me get this straight.......you got together with a guy who was sexually abused as a child, however, it is a complete surprise to you that the guy might actually have behavioral issues.
Oh dear, the male utility device is playing up.....why can't they just do what us girls expect of them, eh?
This will come as a shock to you, but men are actually human beings, with feelings and that. They are not a consumer durable product designed to perform specific tasks or make you happy or do anything for you. He is not "your" husband, not "your" anything, and if he is not giving you whatever it is you think you need to fulfill your life then I suggest you consider doing it yourself, cut the guy loose and if you have any sense of compassion or empathy, get him some help.....not pills!

you only want him for a baby and you seem to have no patience for him

I've been cutting him some slack for 2 years!! He's on ca. his 20th chance!

Yes, he definitely uses money to make himself feel better. The number of things he has bought for his displacement activities is unreal.

I know I probably sound extremely critical of him. The effect of his medications is visible.However, he drives fine, and can keep it together for his full-time job. When we meet up with joint friends he is attentive and charming. As soon as we or they leave, he retreats back to his grumpy aggressive self while I tidy up and get dinner/DD's bedtime/everything else sorted. I am sick of being the emotional punchbag for the frustrations he builds up during work or has to put to one side to get through the day. Sometimes I ask him to listen to my stuff for a while, which he dutifully does before launching into yet another lecture about his work without addressing any of what I said.

I don't think he cries because he feels bad for me. He can't give my issues any attention because that would mean not talking about himself for a couple of minutes. He cries to make it all about him again. He seems incapable of recognising my emotions and appropriate responses. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

Yes, he has gone through a very hard time, but at the same time he's not changing anything. He still reacts to things and says the same things as he did 2 years ago!

I have been having patience with him for 2 years.

He only mentioned the abuse when I found out about the escort and webcam stuff. I had no idea about this before then, he never mentioned anything.

Don't have another child with and don't waste another two years on this man.

it sounds a bit of a no brainer to me. Youre not very well suited

He sounds very unwell in at least two ways. It's interesting that you suspect Narcissism. This: He prides himself on being different from his colleagues and how he's so much more clever is a classic symptom. Like all symptoms, it could be caused by something else.

But, in summary, he doesn't treat you well or cherish and respect you. It's been going on for years. You're not condemned to put up with this, you know!

How about making a pros and cons list of staying together or splitting up? Do it on here if it helps. And evaluate your practical options for splitting - it sounds like you're reasonably well set up as a family without him, so would that not be an issue at all?

Then you need to realise that its not going to work trying to make this man change just so that your children can all have the same dad.

I have gone out with several guys who all wanted to be with me but at the same time wanted me to change into someone else and told me i should change for them if i loved them. I seem to attract guys who like me for being sociable and friendly but when they are with me don't want me to be like that anymore because they want me all to themselves.

What i am trying to say is that i learnt from it that there is no point ignoring who someone really is or trying to change them into the perfect partner for you if they are not already. Accept what they show you about themselves. If you don't like what you see then walk away.

There is no point continuing because its backward. Finding a man and THEN trying to make them into the perfect man!

You need to accept where this man is at the moment. Focus on making your life as positive as it can be without him contributing at present and do not have another baby with him, that would be a really silly thing to do.

We're pretty much split up, and living on my own with DD has been excellent.

Ok, so I don't live my life by pros & cons lists, but to get an overview, here it is:

Cons

Erratic moods are difficult to deal with, I can't be sure how to talk to him in the best way to keep things peaceful

He doesn't do a lot without instructions

Our attitudes to finance are incompatible

I will never be able to trust him; I always worry that he is still doing the online sex thing or seeing escorts in his lunch break

Sex issues - is he thinking about the other women, am I trying to please him too much or not paying enough attention to issues he might have from the abuse; he rarely initiates which makes me feel even more pathetic after what he's done

I have to make a safe space for DD so that his attitudes to women and sex can't influence her too much

I don't want to recreate my parents' marriage of always struggling and always fighting

I could only keep things peaceful by agreeing with him all the time and never having my own opinion

DD needs to learn what healthy relationships are, and ours isn't it

Neither of us wants to give in first when we argue

He is messy and does not clean a lot

He takes no initiative when it comes to DD - I inform myself on developmental stages, when to apply for schools, which nursery etc, and then pass my knowledge on to him

He will always have mental health/addiction issues

I will always be completely on my own emotionally

I feel more in charge when I don't see him

I feel more 'authentic' when I don't see him

He sometimes gives me guilt trips when he's done something for me like babysitting DD; he keeps track of exactly how much he's done for me

He always has to be superior - e.g. as he studied politics, his opinion on political events counts more than mine, I am always wrong

He never apologises for having made me feel rubbish followed by giving me a hug to make things better

There are always things he doesn't tell me

When there's a conflict, he tends to side with other people rather than me

He knows exactly he'll always have another chance and behaves accordingly

Pros

He is dependable - he will always help out in a practical way, give me lifts, pick up shopping

He's very generous

He'll go along with most things I suggest, but also put thought into it and make suggestions

We more or less have the same attitudes to parenting/weaning/healthy food for DD

We now know all about each other's families' dark secrets and have the same opinions on family involvement (i.e. as little as possible); someone else might make me feel bad about how I deal with my complicated family

DD is beautiful and extremely bright (if I do say so myself)

We have similar attitudes to food (I have some slight issues around food because of my upbringing)

He's DD's dad

I would imagine it's administratively and emotionally easier to have all children with the same dad

I don't want a complicated family life, having to deal with potential new partners for each of us, their families and their potential children

He doesn't think less of me when I wear comfy clothes and no make up and still tells me I look nice

He has a good job/career prospects

He is intelligent

Sex works ok as we know each other's buttons

Pregnancy is likely to be complicated in my case, and he knows the issues already

Erm... that's it. Still not convinced by either side. The cons are all big issues for me, but I can't stop thinking aww, but we have such a long history, or ...yes, that's all bad, but I just want a baby and it'll all be fine somehow.

I know pregnancy and having a new baby is hard, but I've got through so much on my own the last couple of years that I really think I can do it. Just occasionally I think I don't want to do it with him again because he would not appreciate what I'm doing for him, because the effort that goes into growing a baby and looking after it should be appreciated by the dad, IMO.

I know, it's all really stupid.

i think to be so awfully sexually abused as a child by your own parents, really being judgemental over the fact he has found it difficult with staying faithful to his partner, and now hes had to go on anti psychotics and antidepressants, so its understandable that he wont be able to be more proactive and exciting about activities when he comes round.

I think this guy needs to concentrate on sorting his own head out as an absolute priority, not your relationship, and certainly not another baby. It may be that hes too damaged to ever come to terms with things properly and behave in an acceptable way to/for you.

He isnt your responsibility though,and youre not obliged to be there for him though.

Im not sure that's what john meant. I got the impression he was saying that the op shouldn't be surprised that he has issues that are going to take a lot of work to get through. That just because he's a man doesn't mean he's going to be unaffected by that happened and that if he isn't the perfect man the op wants him to be then tough.

That was for leverette by the way.

A lot of your pro list is superficial. Not good enough reasons to be with a person. Some weren't to do with him as a person at all but more to do your convenience.

Your con list has some deal breaker stuff there there which it seems you are ignoring for the benefit of the convenience things on your pro list.

i agree with above poster, your cons list is chock full of red flags, if not deal breakers (or should be) and your pros list is a bit wishy washy.

I dont think it can work

Seems to me a lot of your pros and cons contradict each other.

It really is not fair to add another child to this mess. Look after and protect the one you have!

Oh and he doesn't babysit his own DD

Also, i can't find it at the moment but i think you said something about your parents always fighting and wanting to avoid that. I think by staying with this man for the wrong reasons you are actually headed in the same direction.

Perhaps your parents did the same thing and you have learnt your ideas regarding reasons to stay with someone, values and priorities from them.

Sorry for saying this, but you don't seem to live him or care for him and only seem to want to stay with him (sort of) so that you have more children.

This is not fair on anyone, including the unborn children.
What prevents you from moving on and finding a new partner?

Ultimately you and everyone else might be happier

Wat prevents me from moving on and finding a new partner? That I could end up with someone who is like this too, or that that relationship could end too, and that I could end up with several children with different fathers. It's not that I think that's bad, I just think emotionally it would be too much to handle. Plus I'm not British and would eventually like to go back to my country. H has at least indicated he's not completely against the idea, but he wouldn't agree to it if we got divorced.

I know the pros and cons list is contradictory in some places, but that's how it is. The cons are things I never wanted to deal with in my life, but the baby urge seems bigger than them somehow. Some women have babies on their own from the outset, why would it be so different if I did the same but with the dad more involved than a sperm donor? With my parents' situation I was sometimes glad to have my sibling, so I think life might be better for DD if she had one too, even with her dad and me being separated. I'm scared I'll never find anyone else to have a baby with, so I'd rather have a baby and be unhappy for a little while than risk never having another one.

*Wat?! - What!