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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i believe him?

33 replies

hmm2012 · 07/04/2012 08:47

name change Test

OP posts:

Original poster

hmm2012 · 07/04/2012 08:58

Hi, Wanted to test my name change before i posted this as i like my normal name.

I need to know what to believe as i really do not know what to think right now. My DP (Who i am supposed to be marrying next weekend) is a lovely man, great dad & partner has his moments of man like behaviour but that is all, i have been genuinely happy and so has he (i thought) we have been through some very awful things in the last 2 years but made it through.

I am rambling sorry, so.

Last night i went onto his email address to retrieve a password request i had sent from another site (we share email addresses) decided to have a inbox / junk clear out whilst there and found in the JUNK inbox hundreds of emails from this dating site things like 'message for you' 'your daily update' I clicked on one of the emails and on the email it said 'user id - numbers'

'password - same as another password we use, this is the first thing that is making me doubt the truth as the password is the one he uses for facebook and is not one that can be guessed by someone.

i then logged onto the site... and viewed the 'profile' it has his email, date of birth, password however doesn't have his name - it has his dad's first name (WTF?)

I had a look around it and it doesnt look like it has been accesses or used atall, there is a history tab and when i clicked that there is nothing. All our internet history is in tact and none has been deleted.

I got him out of bed as i was having a full blown panic / freak out and made him come downstairs and explain what it was, he swore on our daughters life that he hasn't joined anything and that he doesn't know where it has come from, he said maybe it has linked from facebook with all the stuff they are changing at the minute.

Now this may be true, as i signed up for a months trial with netflix to watch a programme i couldn't watch on normal tv, and it appeared in my facebook timeline when all i had done was use the same email address.

He is an honest, reliable person and i do have issues with trust and i do get paranoid. Well i used to weve been to relate etc and i have had no reason to ever doubt him.

Can anyone shed any light on this? Am i supposed to not believe him?

OP posts:

MrsEasterChickLegs · 07/04/2012 09:03

I would believe him as I get all this junk as well - I suspect through FB - it seems to be able to access and permeate whole reams of our lives just with access to our email
May be worth reviewing your FB accounts and changing your passwords, check your computer for viruses etc
If you know and trust this man normally a pile of junk emails from random sites wouldn't concern me that's the way the Internet works

Lueji · 07/04/2012 09:17

I'd br concerned if he had filled his profile and sent/ received emails from people on the site.

The password is odd.
Does he use that password for everything or just Facebook?
If it was in the junk someone would have delete it, but it's possible that he just clicked on it during a clear out and didn't even register.

Besides, it's odd that they are sending a password. Sites usually have a password reset link and don't usually send passwords.
Facebook security issue?

squeakytoy · 07/04/2012 09:17

I would be inclined to believe him too. If there were hundreds of them, going straight into the spam box, then it does sound like a virus rather than anything less innocent.

Lueji · 07/04/2012 09:18

Is his dad married,btw?

DinahMoHum · 07/04/2012 09:20

im always getting messages like this. Sometimes you put your email address somewhere online, maybe a competition or a site asks you to resgister with them and they sell your email address to shit loads of bloody spammers.
It does my head in

Hattytown · 07/04/2012 09:21

No I wouldn't believe him because it's obvious that he actually registered for the sites himself. There's a vast difference between getting spam emails that advertise a site and ones that reference that someone has actually registered. It would be illegal for FB or any other site for that matter, to register someone for a sex dating site without their knowledge. Of course the history is clear - he uses private browsing and when he goes on these sites, he makes sure he doesn't use the public browsing facility during the same sesssion.

You know that and he knows that.

I'm intrigued by what you mean by 'man-like behaviour'? I expect you mean among other traits porn use in which case it's not a surprise that he has moved on to sex sites.

The only reason anyone registers on a sex dating site is to have sex with other people.

Smugfearnleyshittingstool · 07/04/2012 09:27

Netflix is linked with fb though, you have the option every time you watch to share or not share that programme on your timeline or wall. Graze box also do this, again as an option. They don't randomly add users to other sites or sell email a dresses I don't think.

something2say · 07/04/2012 09:31

I would wonder to be honest. Using his Dad's name to try and keep it at arm's length would be the reason I'd wonder...

However, you are getting married next weekend - and if he has been 'looking' or 'seeing what else is out there' he would be completely normal. You aren't meant to know about it and - for me this is massive - he might have had his look and not gone. I look on dating websites. When me and my ex were starting to break up, with nothing being said, I looked.

I think the fact that he has seriously been thinking about the enormity of marriage and had a look to check you are the right woman for him is a positive sign. Have you thought similar thoughts yourself?

DinahMoHum · 07/04/2012 09:32

it doesnt look like its ever been used though

Hattytown · 07/04/2012 09:34

I might add that in the unlikely event that a social networking site had registered me for a sex dating site completely without my knowledge, I would be spending all day today phoning them, making official complaints and threatening them with legal action. If he's doing none of that then I think that tells you more.

something2say · 07/04/2012 09:38

I've suddenly got loads of emails coming in from dating websites, loads more than I ever used to get...quite suddenly as well. No need to complain.

MonsterBookOfTysons · 07/04/2012 09:38

I regularly get emails from men and women asking for a relationship off a dating website.
I have never even googled a dating website so I am guessing it is just spam, especially as it is in the spam folder. :)

Xales · 07/04/2012 09:41

I understand that websites pass on email addresses and you get spam.

Do they really set you up with your password, date of birth and fathers name? If they were going on your details they would put in your name?

If you have any doubts about this and personally someone swearing on their child's life always raises my hackles I think if you watch Kyle 99% of the people who do this are lying then postpone the wedding. The cost lost now is tiny to being trapped in a marriage you need to get out of if you find out he is lying.

Hattytown · 07/04/2012 09:47

This isn't about spam E mails and some posters are not reading the OP.

This man was registered on the dating site concerned.

MonsterBookOfTysons · 07/04/2012 09:52

I am reading that part. But I think if he had genuinely registered he would be receiving them into inbox not spam.
Also it is a shared email address, why if he was guilty would he not of deleted them, if there were hundreds then they must of been around awhile.

Xales · 07/04/2012 09:54

Things I register with don't go into my inbox until after I find them in my spam in hotmail and tell them to go to my inbox most of the time.

If I don't click they are OK they carry on going in my spam.

Hattytown · 07/04/2012 10:15

I get at least one legitimate message a week in my spam folder. I make a point of checking it precisely because it happens so regularly.

Those of you who genuinely believe that this man has not registered for the site himself - who do you think has registered him then? And if you believe that this is something Facebook does without its users' knowledge or permission, how do you feel about that? Because I can assure you, that is an illegal use of data.

I won't even get in to the post that suggested it was a positive and quite normal thing for a man who's getting married next week to have checked that he was getting the best deal

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2012 10:27

I went onto a couple of sites years ago - they were a kind of Friends Reunited site but for another country - I was trying to find out something. I had to register, username, password, email etc. I still get emails from them - often they're in junk mail, sometimes not. Sometimes I send myself an email reminder and it comes into the junk box of the same Yahoo email.

Your partner has registered himself on those sites. I get junk mail for dating sites I've never even heard of - that's normal when addresses are sold on. If the emails have his name and date of birth and father's name, then yes, he's signed up.

In your position, a week before you get married, I'd contact the website and ask them. I'd also look at the date of joining, if I could find that and try to figure out what was happening around that time.

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2012 10:28

Facebook doesn't sign people up for other sites - they would not be able - physically or legally - to hand over passwords like that.

Hattytown · 07/04/2012 10:32

Of course Facebook doesn't - and hasn't - done this. It's a ludicrous proposition.

The fact that the OP's H-to-be even tried this as a defence means he thinks the OP is stupid - compounding the original offence IMO.

puds11 · 07/04/2012 10:40

I once got a few emails from a gay dating website, including images of half naked men posing. I can honestly say that i have never been on any dating site let alone a one for gay men (im female) yet i still got emails from them! i asked my DP because i thought he may have signed me up for a joke but he hadn't, so it is possible to get random unexplained emails. However, the emails i got did not contain my name or any suggestion of a profile in my name eg. date of birth etc. That is the bit that would make me suspicious. I dont have facebook, so dont really know how it works.

MadamFolly · 07/04/2012 11:33

Actually its not true that people only sign up to dating sites for sex.

I signed up to a couple a while ago while I was in a relationship out of pure curiosity, the site was free and I couldn't search without making an account. I used a fake name and DOB but probably my same password I use for facebook. I just wanted a nose through peoples profiles I think.

I still have them as I can't remember which sites they are on and can't be arsed to delete them, I have not looked at them in years. I wasn't planning on cheating though.

mcmooncup · 07/04/2012 11:33

I have used dating sites and it is not possible to have any sort of profile / uname without registering - hence the password thing. Whether he has just been,erm, window shopping or has actually been emailing people is another story. I would imagine he will have received messages from people on there though......but you say there is nothing to suggest he has replied or messaged other people.

Not sure where your boundaries are on something like this, but sorry for your discovery at such a critical time

iscream · 07/04/2012 11:55

I have joined pof several times, but to look over guys my friends were interested in, and also, my brother wanted me to look at some women's profiles that he was interested in. My profile is also "invisible" so no potential persons will bother me.

I don't think sites are able to sign you up as you described, sorry, but he must of done it.

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