nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

sorry I didn't mean to imply everyone was like that - certainly not anyone who has been so lovely and supportive of me on here!! Badly worded generalisation there. I'm just a bit blue today. Partly because I am sad about my own situation of course. The closer I get to baby coming the more upset I am about H's lack of care for me/our kids. I find it so upsetting that while I prepare for our precious little man to arrive, he's out getting pissed with his uni friends like a perpetual teenager, telling everyone what a fab dad he is and how unfair it is that I'm 'punishing' him wrt to not seeing DS (which is ridiculous, I've never stopped him :() or wanting to have him at the birth.

Someone asked me yesterday if he wanted to come to the birth of DS2. What he has said is 'obviously I would want to be there, but...' he's never once actually asked to be there, or shown any kind of sadness that he will miss such a huge thing. He's given no indication that it means anything to him at all - the emphasis on obviously is just about making sure everyone knows it's me being a bitch by not wanting him to come, and he's only being nice by not pushing it. :(

choco you have been exposed to a dramatic and extreme example of selfishness so of course you are very attuned to see signs of it everywhere you go.It is normal to be weepy and hormonal at this point of pregnancy and to feel vulnerable. You need to grieve for your marriage and the hopes you had.
No-one over about 12 will feel sympathy for your x. The obvious retort is "if you love your kids so much, why walk out on their mother?" Everyone in his vicinity, even drunk students, will be thinking this.

:) thanks saffron

have decided to chalk up my tearyness to hormones and the fact that you are quite right, my H is an undeniable shit. The two things make me want to cry in equal measure :) But both are pretty fair reasons to cry!

When my painkillers kick in I'm going to pootle into town and take myself out for a hot chocolate before I collect DS from nursery.

It's 'parent's day' today so I'm going in for a little chat about his progress which I'm actually quite looking forward to.

Hey Choco

I too wonder if there's too much of the old 'L'Oreal becomes I'm worth it' attitude around ..

I also have been on the same OW threads and I don't know how anyone would consider becoming involved with someone who they know is attached .. I guess it is about values and moral codes and theirs are lower than ours??

Your H is a shit - there is no doubt .. and you are truly an inspiration ...

Enjoy parents' day!!! xxx

hope you feel better soon and enjoy your hot Chocolate. I find them very comforting especially with cream and marshmallows, yummy!

These men really do only think of their own happiness. As you know, my H walked out on me out of the blue and I didnt even know he was unhappy. He decided all on his own that the marriage was over and that his need to be happy and free to do what he wants when he wants, is more important than anything else, including his 4 year old daughter. Extremely selfish.

She woke up crying for him again this morning and is talking about him all the time and how he doesnt live here any more. It is so so sad. But as long as he's happy, thats the main thing isn't it ............

I agree with you about the OW, they swallow the excuses and call the wife every name under the sun. They cant see that they are being fed a line by the H just to get what they want........

choco...hope the painkillers are kicking in and you are having lovely chocolate.
Undoubtedly you're upset with hormones doing what they do to make sure that you are set up for new baby.
As for OW- I dont know about kicking them- its the 'D'H who make the decision to cheat, to break promises, to play with the integrity and importance of their kids and family. The OW to me is pitiful; someone who thinks that she can't do better than a second hand man

I know you didnt mean everyone, I was just making sure you knew that not everyone was like that.

EXH is a total shit and he wont change his behaviour. All you can do is change how you react to it.

You know how rubbish he is and how he has no interest in you/bump or DS, most people who know of your situation will know for sure how badly he has behaved and they probably wont say anything but they will know he is a shunt.

chin up, its not raining here today - that alone is something to celebrate!

I spent the last month of my first pregnancy in floods of tears, sometimes over things like the freezer door not closing, or our flat being so high up (erm, it was ALWAYS 3 floors up!) ... so I think YANBU to have a bit of sob over the selfishness of humanity, frankly.

That thread is incredibly sad. And no-one's mind is being changed - all the cheaters are so certain they're righteous... ach well. Can't polish a turd, no point trying. :)

I hope you've had a nice hot choc and heard lovely things about your DS today.
I had a friend over with her kid on Saturday, and we pulled out the pack 'n' play (spare folding cot thingy) for her to use. With it came a slew of teeny tiny baby clothes.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah :)
I am so excited for you! Can you tell?

aaaaaaaaaaah blackcurrants teeny tiny people clothes!! eek I hope you're sorting out your own keepies and getting excited too :)

I'm feeling better thanks all, DS had a glowing nursery report - he's in the 22-26mo developmental band for two thirds of the observations they do, which is fab as he's exactly 22mo so there are no worries/concerns despite his unsettling time moving down, changing nursery and missing his dad. However in one or two of the obs he's in the 33mo+ band which just makes me glow with pride lol. (This is not a stealth boast about my child btw, it's an out and out yeah my DS rocks scoop-him-up-and-give-him-a-cuddle cheer haha.) He's particularly starting to socialise more, apparently this means less 'alongside' playing and more 'together' playing. They took some photos for his records of him joining in with imagination tea parties which is very, very cute. I'm not sure what it all means tbh really but it sounds like he's confident and happy and that's all I care about.

The nursery staff said they have a lot of children with absent or p/t dads as well, and that they haven't noticed anything that makes them concerned about him recently. Obviously he was a bit upset when we arrived and it was a big change for him to move house/nursery/get used to the split etc. But his key worker said you can really tell with some children if they hear lots of arguments/crying or one parent slating the other... and DS seems very secure which is a huge relief. They are going to help him make a card for fathers day and copy the written report so I can pass it on to H. It makes me feel proud of both of us (me and DS) that despite all the upheaval he's still thriving. Happy days :)

That's lovely to hear Choco, and its all down to you!!!

Oh that is lovely - and a fine testament to all the hard work you're doing, choco, keeping things on an even keel for him.

Sometimes when reading this thread I think of one of my very best friends from Uni days, who was brought up by his mum after his Dad fucked off when he was very little. His relationship with his mum is just wonderful - not overpowering or clingy, but they have a nice affectionate, jokey relationship, and he's always had wonderful relationships with female friends and his current DP has been with him for 9 years now - he credits his mother with 'not taking any shit' and 'teaching him about respect' and a whole bunch of other things. He's an absolute credit to his mum (whom I've met and really liked) and sometimes when I think about him I think about your lovely DS, and how he will be a credit to you in the same way. Hurrah for him and you!

Ah, see it shows what a fab job you are doing Choco. Has made me vow to be more calm and considered in front of DCs too, thank you.

I know they don't need to keep hearing that 'daddy said mean things to me', so I've told them that I don't think he's very happy in himself and he needs some space to himself, so that when he sees them he can be relaxed and refreshed.

Starting to make me see that I will actually get some time to myself too - 2 evenings a week when I won't have to cook dinner and make lunchboxes! Even if I'm working more, I will get some me-time - every cloud and all that!

I know you can't bear the thought of your little bubs being parted from you at the moment, but once they're both a bit bigger you will start to reap some benefits from this situation too.

If your XTwunt is anything like mine, I imagine he wouldn't have been much use if he were still around, so its just one less toddler for you to take care of

Congratulations Choco - your DS's security & progress is down to your constancy & love. You are a wonderful mum!

thank you lovelies :)

I took him out to our local supermarket cafe for tea (classy mummy me!) to give him a treat for being so clever. I know he won't know that's why but it was partly also a really nice chance for me to do something with him just the two of us, before baby comes. It was just lovely to have some one to one time chatting nonsense and feeling proud of how grown up and sweet he's getting. He insisted on saying 'Hiya Nana' to every woman over 50ish and offering out his sliced apple to all the old duffers sitting around with their early suppers

All your positivity is rubbing off on me you know. Thank you!

my daughter likes the supermarket cafe, they usually have crayons and chocolate with the meal, lol.

glad you had a good day.

I remember when my 2 DC were littlies and they loved the supermarket cafe. All the old dears chatted and fussed over them and kids pretended to be angels!

Glad you are feeling more positive my lovely.

choco I love bringing mine out for tea and cake as our treat....they love feeling so grown up. Glad you are feeling better.

You inspired me to take DS to the ice cream shop this afternoon, after he had been an absolute sweetheart all around the bank and the shops. I am sure he would thank you if he could- it was pretty much heaven for him!

Kids eat free after 4pm on school nights - what's not to like?!!!

I know! £3.50 for both of us for tea!! bargain, I tell thee

I am determined to have a good day today. Who's with me?

Incidentally, just seen on Lorraine this morning about the Telegraph article written about teaching girls to find a supportive husband...

"It's not just about finding a husband who does the Hoovering and makes the dinner. It's about finding one who really understands it is important for you to thrive and do well in whatever you choose to do."

Now ain't that the truth?

It certainly is!

I noticed on the 'good relationships' thread in this board that some people were just heartbroken/blown away by the suggestion that good partners cherish and promote the happiness of their chosen life partner. That was ... so sad.

Although, if I were really honest, I'd sooner that we taught girls that you don't need to 'find a husband' at all. So many women have children with men who aren't actually making them happy, because they feel like they haven't 'done well' in their lives if they don't have a husband, or even just a man, to 'complete' them. Urgh. Why is being partnered so important in our society?

Ahem. Well it's 7am here and I don't have time for philosophical musings. 12 week scan today! HURRAH! And I must walk the dog... :) I hope you're having a SUPER day, choco!

you're totally right of course. It shouldn't be teaching girls it should be teaching everyone, boy or girl, and having the opt out that being single and fab is fine!

Day is going well so far. I've seen the midwife and it's all systems go, no problems to report so I'm just waiting for the contractions now! eek :) This could be a long few weeks.

SO exciting about your scan!! Good luck I hope it's a lovely experience x

:) thank you! I've done a really sound 2 hours' dissertating (clearly this baby is becoming realer and therefore the pressure for me to complete the dissertation before December is also becoming realer. Well done baby!)
I must confess to a small theft: I have stolen your nom de womb: DH and I have been referring to this foetus as "sprout" for the past two months. During my previous pregnancy DS was "The Phenom" for some silly reason, but "sprout" seems to work well for this one.

Some people find out the gender at 12 weeks - I think only if it's terribly obvious and there's a massive wang or something (Why oh WHY do I keep on posting about willies?) but frankly that's not what's exciting .. it's just the whole thing, the heartbeat, the waving limbs, it all being really real... last time the ultrasound technician was a bit of a mardy woman who couldn't get DS to position himself properly for the Nuchal measurement, and did a lot of jabbing at my (chocolate-related) belly and tutting. Here's hoping this one is nicer, or I might be inspired to tell her to eff the eff of to the far side of eff, in true Mumsnet fashion! - I really don't suffer fools gladly when pregnant! (which is one reason why I am so in awe of your patience and forebearance - if your exH had done any of that to me while I was heavily pregnant he would have been found in seven pieces under the patio... you are an amazing woman, you really are!)

how did it go blackcurrants? I really hope you had a lovely positive scan and the sonographer was nice. I was thinking of you! Aww, I think it's lovely there will be a new sprout on the block! This baby is welll and truly baby-bean to me - although he's a bloody big bean now. I keep getting feet and elbows sticking out all over the place! And just when I thought I'd got away with it, my old stretch marks are all pinging at the edges and giving me a lovely new tiger belly lol. I didn't even know you could find out gender at 12 weeks, they don't offer to tell you til 20 weeks over here!

Well done on your dissertation efforts - I'm impressed. So far I've done precisely faff all on my written work for my diplomas, despite being very certain that this needs to be done!! I'm sure at some point the pressure will kick in and I'll crack on! :)

DS had a good asthma review in hospital today, sticking with the extra meds for the forseeable though. I was bloomin' exhausted getting him up and over there for 9am I can tell you!! And he's had his sleep in the car on the way home, so no rest for the wicked... yawn!!

H has suggested naming DS2 after FIL. I don't think so. Will find a way to diplomatically refuse at some point... He did also suggest naming him after my DF, but I don't actually like that name either so shouldn't be too hard to say nope! I would much rather just decide and tell everyone on the day... I don't think that's unfair. I said I would consider suggestions, I have, and I still don't like them. Considering them isn't a promise to use them is it now?

I really think in the circumstances it's totally up to you what you call DS2!!